Home > Ask Too Soxy > Ask Too Soxy: Who’s afraid of the big, bad Verlander?

Ask Too Soxy: Who’s afraid of the big, bad Verlander?

In today’s Ask Too Soxy, we hear from Conor, who operates Sox Rox, a valiant soul who would probably take the bats to the plate himself if he could.

Too Soxy,

I feel like I’m the only person who’s really not scared of Detroit right now. In fact, I’m exhilarated that we are set to face them instead of the Rangers. The Rangers have destroyed us this year, and we’re 5-1 against the Tigers. So, they have Verlander and Fister, but I’m just not scared. Help me out here!


Oh, Conor. There are lots of people who aren’t scared of Detroit. Like people with short-term memory loss. People who don’t watch ESPN. Amish people. Oh, and my mother…

No, in all seriousness, I am with you. I am not scared of Detroit. Not really even a little bit. It’s probably because of my hostile work environment. I sit across the office from a Tigers’ fan. Every day. I get to hear about him tout Justin Verlander this. Justin Verlander that. So they’re GRRRRRREAAT. In the post season, there’s a lot more to it than being Grrrrreeeaat, Jeff. But seriously, I get Tiger spam, Tiger talking points, Tiger facebook posts…

Here’s a quote for you: “Lauren, I’m going to come in and leave a stuffed tiger on your desk and it’s going to have a red sock in its mouth.”

Yeah? Well Verlander will be ONE game, Jeff. ONE GAME.

And once we start winning, we’ll have ALL the games. Or. Um. MOST OF THE GAMES.

And Tigers? I mean, really. How creative is that team name? And when was the last time you saw a tiger in Detroit? Is there a Detroit zoo? There might be a Detroit zoo. For the sake of intellectual discourse, let’s say there’s a zoo in Detroit. Okay. So you want to name your team after a caged animal? An animal limited by bars and glass? An animal that, may want to swallow that child with the snot and the binoculars, but instead gets to munch on frozen antelope? Which everyone knows is much less Tiger satisfying than kids with snot and binoculars. A far cry from Siberia, eh, Frisky?

Oh, I read here that Tigers may have gotten their name from striped socks. Oh. Um. I guess that’s cool… to be named after… um… socks…

At this point, at this particular point in my week, I just want to get there. I don’t care if we play a Chipper Jones mash-up of baseball’s greatest hits with a chorus line in the dugout (best musical idea ever!). I just want a fricking chance.

You’re right, Conor. It’s about the numbers. The numbers tell us the Tigers are just cats in sneakers (the new Puss n’ Boots movie preview is out!) as far as the Red Sox are concerned. Our set with Detroit earlier this year didn’t exactly put the fear of Fisk in our cerebrums, and this is no different.

What is different? Injuries. Rotation. Snap, pizzazz. What I AM afraid of, doesn’t come with metaphorical claws and cereal box covers. What I AM afraid of are the Red Sox.

We are much more likely to implode on ourselves right now than the Tigers are to excel over us. Sure, we reigned victorious yesterday. But I watched that game, teeth gritted. Missed opportunities. Bullpen risks. It’s not the Tigers who are going to keep us from the Series. And no, it’s not the Stanks either. It’s our own bullpen. Fear Daniel Bard. Not Verlander.

But, on a happier note, we won yesterday and, despite those missed opportunities I mentioned, it was a tooth and nail, fingers in the grit, claw yourself out of the coffin kind of fight. I saw a hint of the snap we’ve been missing, and it had nothing to do with runs scored or balls caught. It was that spark, the one that shows it’s more of a job. That they want the win more than a fricking paycheck. I saw that yesterday and, I’ll be honest- I haven’t seen that in some of our other recent wins.

That spark gives me hope and, in my heart of hearts, I think we’ll beat the big bad Tigers in the end.


So chin up, my friend, and help me come up with creative things to do to my coworker during this time of great struggle. So far, I’ve got to beat stuffed tiger with sock in mouth, taunting and squinty glares. I think I can handle squinty glares. I’m putting a $5 limit on this because I’m poor. Best idea gets a winning smile.

How about you, soxies? Why should Conor and Red Sox Nation NOT fear the fricking tigers?

Oh, and here’s another thing:

The Detroit Tigers are looking more and more like a team of destiny.”

That quote from Bleacher Report should make you feel great. Because everyone knows the universe has got a beef with destiny.


Speaking of destiny, I’m proud to be able to confirm to you that a terrible, horrible, no-good, icky era is over. Without no-neck Jorge Posada in the Stank lineup, how will my “You’re Posada-ed” phrase (meaning “you’re screwed”) EVERY catch on with the general public? Quick! Use it a lot this week before it’s too late!

And yes, we won yesterday. And yes, I cried irrationally. And yes, I’ll get to that. I just need a moment for that win to settle. Maybe ten moments.

That was fun! Ask me more questions! ohnolauren@gmail.com.

Categories: Ask Too Soxy
  1. September 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Maybe the Sox should just put Lackey number 1 in the rotation to have him face Verlander. They’d lose Lackey games anyway.

    • FireDannyAinge
      September 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm

      I am 100% with you on this one. Sacrificial lamb.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    September 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    There is no one in the American League that scares me. We all have issues. There is no way in hell we are beating Philly though.

    I am not into a collapse (fuEspn) so it looks like losing in the first round is our destiny.
    I would rather lose to the Tigers without Demon then Texas or New York.

  3. September 19, 2011 at 8:43 am

    FDA is correct Boston should fear no AL Team. FDA is also correct there is no way in hell Boston…or anyone else for that matter…is beating Philly. No one is beating Philly.

  4. September 19, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Oh, they should fear an AL team. The should fear the hell out of an AL team. Specifically, the Boston Red Sox. Striking fear in the heart of… well, the Boston Red Sox…

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