Home > Drunken Live Blogging > Not sucking. Take THREE. Sox vs Tampa, Live Blog.

Not sucking. Take THREE. Sox vs Tampa, Live Blog.

Dear Jon Lester,


So. Um. How you doing?

Do me a solid and pitch?




1:21. Twenty minutes… As usual, I’ll blog what’s happening- you comment- I’ll respond… and it’s like we’re not pathetically watching Red Sox games by ourselves!

10th Anniversary of Sept. 11 attacks. What I have been writing about all week. Listened to the NPR special earlier. It’s interesting- interviewed college kids who tell me that they are the generation 9/11 impacted because they can’t remember a time before 9/11. Fourth graders, some of them. Doesn’t seem like it has been ten years.

I was a senior in high school. US History had just let out and he turned the television on and we were all late to class- because that’s when the second plane hit.

Eery bit of history that’s uncomfortable to write about. But these stories must, after all, be told. So my newspaper joined newspapers around the world, with a pull out flag and a special section. Because it’s not just a story. It’s history.

But this? This is baseball. And. It’s just a game.

“The Rays join the rest of the country and MLB to remember…” Tampa blond girl said.

Now they’re talking to Don Zimmer.

About his 9/11 memories.

I think this is the most sincere I’ve ever seen baseball officials.

And no cheesy music in the background. Just the story. Good job, MLB.

Oh. Here’s the cheesy music.




S36. I appreciate your enthusiasm.


Ground ball to the right. And a quick out at first for Jacoby. Excellent start. <- SARCASM.

I am happy to see Jason Varitek in the lineup.

Pedroia at the plate. Trying to do something. Starting with strikes. Uhuh.

Now we’re talking about the horrible game last night. Of course we are.

Pedroia out at first.


Seriously, people, what gives?

A-Gonz. Okay. Gonzalez, if you manage to hit it- and, since we’re not ahead, I know the chances are scant, but IF you make the decision to actually hit it, could you do me a solid and RUN?

Strikes. Great.

Okay, Gonz. Use your imagination. Pretend that the score is like 30-2, Sox, k? Your homeruns are completely unnecessary.



Oh! Tampa has given its five audience members little blue firefighter hats. That’s kind of cute. Or would be, if more than five people showed up to Tampa games.

Hi, Jon Lester. Remember your last outing, 7 innings? No runs? Remember that?

Daniel Bard, pay attention.

Ball? We start with a ball?

Daniel Bard, stop watching. YOU ARE JINXING US.

Base hit on fastball.

Frick. Tampa runner on first. BJ Upton trying to bunt. Jon Lester looks psyched out. And it is 1:48. Chin up. Don’t give me that confused look. It is NOT comforting.

These announcers are annoying. Now they’re talking about pitchers and lollipops or something. I like the Canadian announcers better.

So, a guy is supposed to call me today. It’s 1:49. Is there a particular time they usually call? This is a new thing for me. I usually do the calling.

The stands are so empty!

Tampa, you make me cry.

What terrible fans you have. We will take you in. Not Damon. But we will take the rest of you in and have a really big team and you can hang out at Fenway with us. I mean, Johnny Damon will have to stay. And Joe Maddon. And, well, we’re probably not going to let you play. But we’ll let our fans cheer on you.

And Jennings moved to second. Upton went to first. And we could have gotten there. But we didn’t. And BJ Upton’s helmet is super shiny. It is unsettling.

Evan Longoria.

We could totally, totally get a double play. Totally.

9.11.01 is written on the pitcher’s mound. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

“You get the feeling Boston is just trying to hold on and get out of here with some semblance of a good feeling.”~Announcer.

Okay, who told him?

Lester is at ball three. And, of course, it is the first inning. Because, apparently, this is how we do things.

“September has been a major problem for Boston,” ~States-the-obvious announcer.

Ball four to LOAD THE BASES.

Lester is pursing his lips. It’s a secret signal to us all that we are doomed.

Yes, Varitek. Talk to him. Yes.

Oh no. Zobrist.

And a psyched out Lester who has clearly been drinking the Lackey juice with Bard.  This is painful. When I get my phone call, I am leaving.

If you said you’d call me on Sunday, YOU would, right?

Another away ball.

Someone isn’t focusing.

“As a pitcher in the big leagues, a pitching coach can’t come running out of the dug out all the time,” announcer says, offering advice to OUR Jon Lester.

And, a base hit.

And two score.

And it’s 2-0.

And so it is…

Oh. And no outs.

I hear boos. Oh, hi, Johnny Damon.

Please, Jon Lester? Please?

Or, if you are just going to walk him, you could just hit him. I didn’t say that. Nope.

Damon is holding the count by fouling. Fouling. Fouling.

Zero outs. Zero outs. And another ball. A full fricking count.

If you walk Johnny Damon…

Well. We got one out. I mean, Johnny Damon is on first. But.

We were forced to reach or something. Which apparently means we can’t throw to first? Whatever.


ONE out.

What do you call a minimullet? A mulletlet? Because this guy has the makings of one. Just one scissor snap and I could fix that for you, buddy. Two seconds. And I wouldn’t mind at all. Stupid baseball music in the park making me cringe. STOP EATING SUNFLOWER SEEDS AND WATCH THE GAME, TITO!

The mulletlet just flipped a little bit in the breeze.

Lester has thrown more nonstrikes than strikes of the 27 pitchers he has made so far, announcer said.

Pitch goes right center. Jacoby catches. Throws. 3-0. But an out. But 3-0.

Of course, we started a game 3-0 the other day, and you saw what happened.

Casey Kotchman just did a hip dance. From the side, he looks like a troll. The kind with the goofy hair. But without the goofy hair. I never noticed that before.

What a terrible game.

Oh. A strike. ONE strike.

32 pitches thrown, for those keeping count at home.

This game is going to last until nine o’clock.

Keep Kevin away. He doesn’t need to see this.

Full count. Four of the last five hitters have had a three ball count at least, announcer said.

I want someone examining all the gatorade the pitchers are getting. Test it on Bobby Jenks.

And base hit. We’re on first and third. And Curt Young has decided he’s pitching coach today and is going to talk to Jon Lester.

S36- at 6? At this rate I’ll be inebriated and pissed off. Hope I can’t find the phone.


Yes. Let’s just go through their whole lineup.

Another ball.

Yes, Curt. Your talk was quite effective, clearly. <- SARCASM

A strike! A strike! 2 and 2! A strike!

Lester’s shortest outing ever was 2 innings against Toronto last year.

“Now it’s to the point where even a foul ball to extend this first inning, that’s important…” ~Announcer.

They’re trying to squeeze him out.

Ground ball. And out. At first.

And this horrible inning is over. From our own recent failure, we can take comfort. 3-0 leads bleed dry really quickly.


Announcer says the sign of the year is a sign that says fix your broken hat by putting a T over the B. Really? Sign of the year? Really?

Shields, apparently, doesn’t get run support often. You know, like how Tampa Bay doesn’t get fan support very often.

Ortiz is out on strikes.

Ew. I think Shields has dip. Ew. Or his cheek is swollen. Ew. He’s chipmunking something.

They error on the play and we get to first! That was lovely. Yes. Let’s replay THAT. How do you like them apples, total of three Tampa fans in the world?

My phone is working. I just checked.

Crawford. So. I’m not expecting… oh, anything.

Ground ball right side? Really?

So, Crawford is at first. And Reddick is at second.

And… hmmm.

Jason Varitek!




Double play.

Why? Why?

Lester. Pitches 2 balls, no strikes because no one showed him the MEMO at the top of this page.

Ground ball. Base hit. Uhuh.

And we’re trying to look surprised.

So many people in the crowd with Sox hats. Total infiltration.

Lots of people in full American flag body suits.

Lester has had the highest winning percentage in the American League.

See, the announcers are surprised, because they haven’t thought of my gatorade theory yet.

Okay, Lester. If you are going to miss anyway, could you hurl a rock at the announcer booth?

They’re playing gypsy music now. This is such a weird stadium.

Over half way to 100 pitches. No one out. His last 7 inning outing was 100 pitches.

So. Aceves? Hope your arm’s okay.

How much did Aceves pitch yesterday?

That information will be important.

BJ Upton.

Blah. Steal.

Ball four. We walk them. Meaning we’ve got First and Second with men on and only ONE OUT.

Come on, Lester. This post is called NOT SUCKING.


Strike three. Okay.

S36, why do you think this is happening to us?

Our season is like a sandwich of suck. Suck, you see, is clearly the bread.

Pop. Foul. Catch.


Sound. I turned you off. Because you are irritating.

Scut homers. 3-1. Thanks Scut. Really. YOU are playing baseball.

And yet, they are still talking about the high pitch count for Lester. So the sound goes back OFF.

Okay. Mike Avilles breaks the ball away. Gets to first. Okay.

And James Shields is doing this indignant headshake at Mulletlet.

And Jacoby is at the plate. And it’s his 28th birthday!

3-0 for Shields. And Jacoby walks on. So we’ve got first and second…

Shields. You are going to get mouth cancer. And dip is just gross.

I am sleepy. This game makes me sleepy. They are still talking about the pitch count. GET A NEW TOPIC.

Pedroia strikes out swinging. Oh, yes. They’ll replay that.


Bases loaded.

Hear that? Bases LOADED.

And David Ortiz at the plate. One out.

Pops out. Second out. Bases still loaded.


Pop out foul.

I need a break.


I am still watching. I saw the Damon triple of epic crap. It is 3:28. This game is stupid.


8-1. It is 4:04. Top of the 6th. blah.


DD- I hope you’re wrong…


It’s 9-1 if you’re still stomaching this.


Top of the ninth. Ohmygod.

Well. That was fun.


Categories: Drunken Live Blogging
  1. September 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    The Sox’ll win today. I can feel it!

  2. September 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Hmmm. This “Lester starts slowly” thing is getting a bit old.

  3. September 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Oh, and I usually called at 6…but today’s a football day. So, maybe between games.

  4. September 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    6 is after dinner, so there’s no real time crunch. But, like I said, today is football Sunday…so who knows. You’ll just have to stay a little more sober a little longer.

  5. September 11, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Because the media has convinced us that a five game lead with three weeks left is too close. remember, though, in April when the Sox were four games back and it was all over?

  6. dd
    September 11, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    I was at work and followed the game on my phone walking home. After we left the bases loaded I shut the phone off. Checking only once more. It turned out to be the next inning. Tampa was now leading4-1. I have not checked again.

    Lester is the best pitcher we have and he is nothing but a third starter.

    We should have thrown all our money at Lee.

    I don’t think the issue is it’s now all over. The issue is, the writing is on the wall. They are not good enough to win a world series.

    We will be swept by Philly with this pitching staff. Healthy or not.

  7. September 11, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    So, did the guy call?

    • September 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm

      No. But it’s still an improvement over basketball-come-back-from-the-dead-guy. My life is so like a teen angst show, it’s not even funny. Stupid boys. And stupid Red Sox.

      • Jup
        September 12, 2011 at 8:14 am

        They’re a very inconsiderate team to not give you anything good to keep your mind off the phone.

  8. FireDannyAinge
    September 11, 2011 at 9:17 pm
  9. September 12, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    What kind of guy doesn’t call a girl with her own baseball blog?

    • September 12, 2011 at 6:59 pm

      i know. this has NEVER happened to me before. clearly, it is a sign of the end of times. the sox sinking after an unprecedented comeback. happy feet the penguin goes missing. boy doesn’t call. this is the end of times. wait… sox sinking… it’s… familiar…

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: