The only split we’re eligible for is pea soup. Thanks, ANDREW MILLER. Red Sox vs Blue Jays: Live Blog
6:46. In about fifteen minutes, I am going to destroy this pillow or cry relief tears. Because Andrew Miller, see, is going big. He is. You’ll see. We’ll all see…
Bored and masochistic? Feel free to review the stomping from last night. I can’t get enough of it actually. You’ll find it here, here and here. As usual in the drunken live blogging that we so proudly offer here at TooSoxy, I watch. I rant. You watch, you comment. That way, we’re all in this together. And I’ll respond to your comments so I don’t look quite so pathetic, sitting here watching the game with the ONLY other Red Sox fan in North Carolina. My puppy.
I have this don’t kill the messenger attitude. Kind of vital for a reporter to have, see. So, I really like these Canadian announcers.
I am thrilled to see Varitek in the lineup.
McDonald? Not so fricking much. Lowrie? Bah.
Ricky Romero on the mound. First inning, baby. Yesterday? What yesterday. There is only today. Now that the irrelevant self pep talk is out of the way…
Jacoby at the plate. First pitch is a strike. Yep.
“Ellsbury has had a terrific series,” announcer said.
Ellsbury has had a terrific year.
Breaking ball. Fouled out. Blahblahblah.
Yes! Dropped ball in the outfield. Ellsbury at second. One of those he’s running this way, he’s running that way… ball bounces off the field moments.
Lovely. And a good pan shot to the mass of blue. Further proof that NO ONE IN CANADA is actually watching this game. Out at first. One out.
But Ellsbury is at third base. So.
What just happened? Red Sox bench being “jumped on” by an ump? Why, exactly? Did I miss something?
“This line up that’s in here tonight is combined four and seven against Romero.”
Something happened, because everyone but Wake is laughing.
“Pedroia for his career is 8 for 16 against Ricky Romero,” announcer said. Thanks.
Beckett is back! Beckett is back! Look at him smiling.
Tests- good, announcer said, but no word on when Beck will pitch again.
Two outs. Ellsbury at third. David Ortiz.
“He too has had a big series,” announcer said. 7 for 14 in the series.
“he’s in one of those rbi modes right now,” announcer said.
Ortiz thrown out at first. Ellsbury becomes the first island casualty.
Blue Jays trying to get .500. Oh. Cute.
Miller’s last outing? When he could go out for an inning and a third before imploding in a sea of baseball dirt and shame. He has no fans except John Lackey.
Good. Miller’s first career start against Toronto. Good.
What a grreeaaattttttt start. <- Sarcasm. He comes from North Carolina University. North Caroline University? That’s not really how we refer to schools in North Carolina. Do you mean NC State? UNC? North Carolina University? Really, Canada?
Fair ball up against the wall. Bounces away. And it’s a lead off double. I saw that. Did you see that? How about you, Curt? Tito?
I hate being right. I feel like Cassandra when she saw the walls of Troy fall in a premonition. It must have felt exactly like this.
“That might just be Miller’s best pitch, the breaking ball.”
The breaking ball that keeps bouncing in the dirt? THAT breaking ball?
Popped into center. SCARY.
Jacoby makes one of those nifty runs…. and then Scut is the hero, “comes out of nowhere,” and almost doubles Escobar. One out.
Bautista hits it, Bautista out at first on one pitch.
Thanks to… oh… everyone on the field EXCEPT you, Andrew Miller.
I really don’t think I can watch this. Not after last time you hit the mound.
Breathe. Just breathe. Edwin Encarnacion at bat. Andrew Miller at… yeah.
In the dirt. Mmmhmmm. This is why they didn’t bring out Tek for Wake! They wanted Tek with the rookie. Cleverish. I say ish because of what happened. OUT. Thanks to Kevin Youkilis. Did you see that, FDA? Kevin Youkilis. Ah….
Offense. Offense. It is time for you. Youkilis at bat. Starting things off swimmingly. Romero has established he is going to pitch ahead? That’s what the announcer just said. Youkie breaks his bat and gets an out.
And we are subjected to some cheesy Canadian Blue Jay graphic.
“This is a battle,” announcer said.
Zero-Zero. No one has actually played yet.
Lowrie out at first. Of course Lowrie is out at first. Lowrie LOVES being out at first. And now we’re watching a video clip of some Blue Jays playing football. Oh, Canadians and your relevance. Guess we can’t talk. I had to watch a two minute clip of Heidi eating a sandwich a few weeks ago.
Jason Varitek at bat. One ball two strikes.
“If you get ahead earlier it makes things that much easier for you,” announcer said.
I take it back. These announcers are annoying.
Strike out. so.
Rookies have Dora the Explorer bags? I think that’s awesome. Oh, Canada. You wily country with traditions.
Miller is trying to decide if he wants to play more than one and a third innings. Anything I can do to help you with that decision?
And Kelly is safe at first. But you know that, Miller. Because you sort of invited him to the bag. Planning a tea party?
If you kids want to compare your cartoon backpacks, do it on your own time.
I wonder what Kelly just said to Kev. Something. I saw an eyeroll. I wish I could read lips.
Brett Lawrie. Zero outs. Kelly on first. Miller just here to hang out, apparently. Because he just sent Lawrie to first. So now the enemy is at first and third with zero outs. Just in case you aren’t paying attention, CURT YOUNG.
Inconsistent results? Um, yeah, announcers.
“I think the thing he needs to do is reduce the base runner,” announcer said. 105 baserunners.
I think the thing he needs to do is sit in the bullpen. But that’s just me.
And ANOTHER ball drops in the field. Thanks, Miller.
And it’s 1-0 Toronto. First and second base, full.
Now the announcers are trying to make us feel better. They’re saying it’s always hard the first time. It’s always HARD, Miller.
Seriously. Are we done with this guy yet? Bring on Lackey. That’s right. I said it. Bring. On. Lackey. Ball. Of course. Because Miller, with ZERO OUUTS, is still trying to figure out Canada time. I’ll give ou a hint. It is EXACTLY The same as Boston time.
Terry Francona needs length for Miller, announcer said.
Well, I need $27, but it’s not falling from the ceiling tiles.
Tito, spit out the sunflower seeds and pay attention.
Now they’re talking about how the pitching sucks because Beckett is injured.
No. The pitching sucks because people like ANDREW Miller allow HOMERUNS. It is now 4-0, Toronto. With zero outs. And indigestion for ALL.
Really, Tito? Seriously. Someone explain to me why THIS guy is in our rotation and Aceves is still Mr. Support? Please? Use bullet points.
And your hair is stupid, Miller.
Full count. Of COURSE it is.
And the ball bounces over the mound. I mean, you could have reached up, Miller. Thankfully, the other players are here to PLAY and he’s out at first. Which brings the grand out total to…. ONE.
Back to the top of the Blue Jay order. And we’re kicking things off with another ball. I feel like Eeyore.
“He has talent, obviously,” the announcers say. Still trying to make us feel better about our Mega-Miller-Fail.
“The question is, did the Tigers bring him up too soon?”
“He’s got the size and the arm stuff, but he can’t throw it over the mound.”
That’s kind of crucial.
ERA almost at SIX.
Comes out of Florida. Just turned 26.
Double play. Thanks, again, to EVERYONE BUT YOU, Andrew Miller. And YOU, Curt Young. AND YOU, TITO. WAKE UP. Tim Wakefield, you’re haunted and can’t sleep. Will you nudge thing one and thing two?
“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.
“Why, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”
John Farrell. How. DARE. You.
This is YOUR fault.
And Theo’s fault for not wrapping his arms around your legs and making you stay.
Get off camera!
Josh Reddick is looking at the mound quizzically. Before popping out.
McDonald. Sounds like a good time to grab that beer.
And… walk? McDonald walks. It’s the top of the third. One out. ONE person on base. It’s something. Let’s multiply that one by three, k? Hi, Jacoby. Gets McDonald out. See, we didn’t expect McDonald to do anything anyway. Jacoby is on first. Scut at the bat.
“It’s just like facing the Yankees,” announcer said.
Hi, FDA. Welcome to the party. Today’s theme is Winnie the Pooh. I’m playing the part of Eeyore today. You can be Piglet if you want.
“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily.
“So it is.”
“Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.”
And Andrew Miller is still in. OF COURSE HE IS.
John Farrell wouldn’t leave him in. Oh no. John Farrell would give the kid a lollipop and send him on his way.
Oh? Oh? Miller caught a ball? Threw it to Youkilis? First out?
Miller did something.
“No messing around,” announcer said.
ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME GAME?
Just throw it, Tek says. JUST THROW IT. But he says it in a nicer, more understanding Tex-voice. And Miller is doing the adolescent wide eyed nod of an eleven year old being told to mop the floor or no video games.
And, despite a valiant effort by Reddick at CLIMBING UP THE WALL, Miller gives ANOTHER homerun.
5-0. Toronto. 1 out.
And Curt Young is nowhere to be found. Probably hiding from the whimsical gaze of John Farrell.
Strike. What, You want a cookie for that?
YOU GET NOTHING.
Cookies do sound good about now. Maybe we should do a recipe swap instead of a live blog. Maybe that would be less stressful. And I make a MEAN praline.
Another hit. Darnell McDonald runs it down.
Darnell McDonald just SAVED you, Miller. If containing a FIVE RUN deficit to FIVE RUNS is saving you, Miller.
You can TOTALLY be Tigger.
I just don’t feel very bouncy. I am going to boycott all the cars in the commercials MLB is playing. That’s why I’m not buying a new car. Not because I’m poor. But because Tito won’t pull Miller.
“Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him.
Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.
I don’t know, FDA. John Farrell’s there now. And he’s soxified. I don’t think he’d steal signs. And why would they risk it when they know it’s just Miller? Bah.
Now they’re talking about last night again.
SHUT YOUR FACE.
Dustin Pedroia struck out.
I am angrier than a… I wish I knew more southernisms.
Now they’re talking about how the BLUE JAYS are looking for pitchers.
One out. STILL. 0-5. And we are more interested in sultry camera glares than hits. Yeah. I said it. That was for you, Papi. Stop growling and HIT THE DAMN BALL.
Okay. there’s this guy in the Canadian dugout with the BIGGEST most ICKY sideburns I have ever seen. Are you seeing this guy? Who is that? I want his name so I can rhyme it with something.
Ortiz is thrown out. Two outs.
See how innings are supposed to go, Miller? Just for reference. I hope you’re taking notes. STOP SITTING NEAR LACKEY. STOP IT.
Maybe Miller is like Terry Francona’s longlost son or something.
Okay, announcers, SHUT UP. It is Kevin Youkilis’ turn.
“That’s half the battle right? That you believe in yourself.”
Maybe in hopscotch, Canada, but this is baseball. They just called that breaking ball “wicked.”
SHUT UP. Stop using Boston phrases. We don’t use Canadian lingo to describe OUR guys.
As in, eh, K-Youk. That was a syrupy drip on that two out walk, eh.
Tonight, announcer says, Romero looks like a different pitcher against Boston.
Tonight, Lauren says, Boston looks like a different team than Boston. YOU LOOK LIKE THE FRICKING ORIOLES. WAKE UP.
FDA, you’re closer. How fast do you think you could hop on over to Toronto?
Because Miller looks like he’s about to go up AGAIN.
Now Canada is at second.
My feelings can best be expressed through the following image:
Strike three? My first thought is, what is wrong with YOU Canada? Then I have to swallow that thought and spit out a wry, barely awake “Good job, Miller. Wooooooo”
Mike McCoy at the plate. Canadians are singing something that sounds a lot like the Cleveland chant. Michael Bowden is warming up.
Out. Two outs.
Now that Miller is on his way out, we’re all starting to play.
It’s this crazy little thing called hope.
I’m not a huge fan of Peppermint Patties. What were those coconut ones? Caramel delights? I’m glad I don’t have a box. Eating would be a great way to deal with you, Miller, but I don’t need the calories.
Do girl scouts deliver?
Five, zip. Blue Jays. Bottom of the fourth.
Oh good. Walks another one. See, for a second, with that strike out, I thought maybe my vision was blurry and it wasn’t Miller at the mound. But it is. See how there’s a man on first and second?
STOP TALKING ABOUT DANIEL BARD.
Bard is sitting in the pen grinning. Did you see that close up? Yeah. I’d be grinning too. After this, no one will be talking about you tomorrow, Bard.
You SHOULD start a twitter and tweet through the game. I don’t have a twitter either. But I’ll tweet if you tweet. We could be like TWO CALLING birds! Like in the song! Oh. Wait. It’s four calling birds.
Why didn’t Francona bring in Papelbon?
I’m watching and blogging so you don’t have to, really. Just don’t leave me. Because then it will be me and my angry, angry tears.
Varitek. Did you just see the trucker hat K kid? Our K guys are soooo much cooler. Out.
Josh Reddick. See? Serious face. That’s what you look like, people, when you come to play.
Some Boston fans right at the wall. Reddick is doing a lot of pacing. Does pacing really help?
See, people? REDDICK came to play. Off the wall.
And we are ON A BASE.
Farrell has definitely proved he is not on our side. Of course, maybe he’s texting Curt Young right now telling him what to do. But Curt Young, see, left his cell phone in the locker room. And Bobby Jenks is in there using it to play Tetris.
It’s okay, JF. You tried.
I have never tweeted a tweet. I am nervous.
They keep talking about how Tito needs pitching depth. You’ve got to work with what you HAVE, Tito.
McDonald popped out. I’m trying to be surprised.
Thanks, FDA- for passing along the following tidbit:
So soon enough, Francona will be offering his own explanations, but here’s why Francona didn’t bring in Papelbon. Even before facing Bautista, Bard was at 30 pitches, meaning he wouldn’t be available for Thursday. Bring in Papelbon there for four outs, and chances are you’ve used him up for Thursday, too. The primary argument put forth by many agitated fans is that you try to win tonight and worry about tomorrow when it comes.
Fair point. But you also have to weigh everything, and Francona, unexpectedly put in a bad spot because Bard was as off as he has been in two years, took a chance that someone else could get one out, and have Papelbon to close out the ninth, then be available Thursday.
Oy. Focusing on the crapfest at hand. Ellsbury at the plate. Two outs. Top of the fifth.
Farmville? Really? FDA! I do hope you have it blocked so you don’t clog up newsfeeds asking people for carrots.
I am kind of numb inside.
In that teen-angst-wanna-bash-my-head-against-the-screen-just-to-feel kinda way.
Keep getting calls to try to get me to be social tonight. I am in the opposite of a social mood.
Andrew Miller? Bottom of the fifth. Edwin had a solo home run last time he was at bat. What are you going to give your buddy this time?
You know, Andrew Miller is very young. Maybe he thinks John Farrell is HIS pitching coach? That would explain a lot.
Close up on Wheeler. Bah.
And a hit off the walllllll. Headed to second. Miller’s just kinda hanging out… and…
Yeah. That’s what happened. Yeah.
Oh, Miller’s leading us to a SPLIT, alright. Split pants and shaking fists.
Inning over. Out.
If this game starts a ridiculous spiral that kills wildcard for us…
I don’t know.
I DON’T KNOW.
Dustin Pedroia. 5-0. See that, Dustin? See that?
Out. But Dustin made it to first.
That almost killed David Ortiz. And Canada cheers. Of course.
Ball and a strike. 0-5. Still. In case you were wondering. I am bored. Can you play Netflix AND MLB at the same time?
It’s okay, guys. Kevin Youkilis! We’re SAVED!
I do not eat carrots. Real or imaginary. Ew. Or carrot cake. Cakes should not have carrots in them.
It’s just wrong. It goes against the laws of nature. And the world.
Youkie’s doing his dance. And… strikes out.
Um. Baby, I’ll support you in whatever you choose to do. But if you could just explain to me why you CHOSE to strike out…
Bowden takes the mound. I am indifferent. Remember how happy we were yesterday when Bard took over for Morales? Yeah. I feel nothing.
David Cooper is at the plate.
Two outs. Okay.
One more. It’s the bottom of the sixth, by the by.
Ellsbury makes a sexy catch. Out.
FDA, your optimism makes my mouth smile. But my heart breaks with the knowledge of the inevitable, soul-crushing tears that accompany false hope.
STOP TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY’S GAME, I BEG YOU, CANADA. Look at this! Talk about this!
Lowrie is out at first. Of course he is. That’s one out.
Oh no. They just compared us to… TAMPA.
Varitek is stretching out the pitches. Anddddd walking.
Every time I get a sliver of indifference, you take it away with your cruel hope.
Josh Reddick. Three balls, one strike, one out. Pop up… and caught. Two outs.
Darnell McDonald. Good. Exactly who you want to see in a two outer <-SARCASM.
STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW INTIMIDATING THE RED SOX ARE TO ROMERO. WE ARE NOT BUYING IT.
Don’t make me mute you.
Ask Jerry. I do that ALLLLLL the time.
Bouncing ball. They’re going to throw him out at first. And… They didn’t! They didn’t! He’s safe? Safe? We have runners on first and second! First and second! We could get… THREE runs! We could get… THREE runs!
Jacoby at the plate. exactly what I want. Fair ball around left. Varitek SCORES! McDonald stops at third. Jacoby stops at second. Two runners! Two!
One out left. Okay. Now we’re playing baseball.
Romero gets an ovation as he leaves. He’s leaving, guys!
Scutaro at the plate. Announcer calling him a “very hot hitter.”
Base hit, left field! McD makes it HOME! Jacoby FLIES.
Scutaro in scoring position????
5-3! 5-3! 5-3, Toronto.
Scut is on second.
Romero shrugs. Sit down.
“When they smell blood like this, they have another gear,” announcer said.
Pedroia out at first.
5-3. We … can do this? We can!
Ricky Romero was pitching, FDA.
I feel… um… hopeful? Um… cautious? Um… hungry?
Bottom of 7.
5-3, Toronto. Bowden. Please contain this leak.
Out. Do. It. Again.
Oh, hope. You left a sweet taste in my mouth when you left.
Eric Thames. You just got killed by a guy named after a RIVER. Ball wasted on those empty, empty seats. It is 6 to 3. Bottom of the seventh.
If you have cream cheese and powdered sugar, you don’t need milk.
Bahhhhh. Crawford sitting this one out. Close up on him looking irritable. I like that, see. Too many of these close ups are of the guys laughing. Smiling. This is NOT the time for smiling.
OHMYGODITHOUGHTTHATWASAHOMER. Foul. Oh, thank you, Fisk.
That would have been nasty.
The two Toronto fans in the stands are looking for the ball. And badly. Looking in the fair zone seats. Canadians.
That guy- the foul ball guy, looks totally wasted.
I am jealous. Because I am only tipsy light.
Why did you walk Bautista?
Since I’m trapped all alone in North Carolina, you should send me cupcake care packages.
Ohohohohohohohohohoh I am bored again. I don’t know if it is boredom or the fact that I am afraid a homerun will etch another sliver of my soul away.
Swing. Yes. Do that again. That part where you completely miss the ball by like seven inches.
Bowden! It’s going to be okay. Oh, look at him. Puffy eyes, dejected look, wide eyes. I want to give you a hug. And would. I mean, you’d have to take a shower first. Because that is a lot of sweat. But once you showered and put on a collared shirt… I would give you a big hug.
I saw Bowden pitch in Charlotte.
Strike three. Two outs. Yes.
Good job. It was the virtual hug, wasn’t it? Could have been the virtual shower. That sweat must be unhappy. Bowden turning it over to Felix Doubrant. Okay. Bowden’s not ACTUALLY doing THAT badly- and you pull him out. And yet yesterday-
No. I shouldn’t go there. I will have an aneurysm.
6-3. Top of the 8th. David Ortiz starts things off.
Ortiz strikes out.
Yay! Kevin Youkilis is here! It’s okay! We’re SAVED.
He’s 1 for 10 against this guy? Grounder…. Out at first.
FDA’s bringing it out in the 9th prediction may come true…
Jed Lowrie. Let’s all hold our breaths.
Come on, Jed. Prove my irrational ire at you is irrational.
I can’t help it. He just has that look.
That look of…
Did you see that fly ball?
I want raisin bread. This is a very weird and unfamiliar craving. But yes. That is what I want.
Get on it, FDA.
Brett Lawrie at bat.
One out. and the swings keep coming…
Two strikes. One more, Doubrant.
Fair ball. Ripped into the corner. He’s headed for second. And. That’s the way it was.
Can’t beat NY, but they sure can jump up and down on our carcasses.
Drives it to second. And. Against the wall. And Lawrie scores. And. Yep. 7-3.
And a runner at second.
When does hockey come back, FDA?
Hah. Love the shirt.
Why are we still watching this?
Look at what it’s doing to my poor, overtyped fingers.
Oh good. Look who’s back. MATT ALBERS.
Yes. Just who you want as your closer.
Just who you want as….
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, CURT YOUNG???????????
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Use a power point presentation. With bullet points. My e-mail is email@example.com. Thanks.
Yucky goatee, Albers. Did Bobby Jenks make you do that?
Stop slapping us with graphics created in 1995, Blue Jays producers!!!
And two outs.
There are three outs in an inning, see.
Albers came from the Orioles. That explains it.
Blue Jays would have .500. Apparently Curt Young wants that to happen. Maybe Farrell’s his idol and he’s working against us.
STOP WORKING AGAINST US.
Thrown out. Inning ends.
And now we have THREE outs to fix this.
See, Curt? They put in THEIR closer.
No. I get what you’re doing. Tampa games count. These are just irritating. My brain knows that. But my heart is so irritated.
Now they’re talking about Avilles AGAIN.
JASON VARITEK HOMERS.
THAT is why he is the captain.
Okay. This crapfest was worth it to see that.
His homeruns are my FAVORITES.
I can’t speak right now. I am overcome.
That was glorious.
Okay. Now we’re winners in my brain.
Reddick. Get. It. Done.
Zero outs, 7-4 game.
Reddick pops out.
I don’t know you, Spears. I don’t…
WHY ARE WE PLAYING PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW IN THE 9TH INNING?
Clearly, Tito is not as emotional about the Tek homer. Clearly he has already given up.
Does Nate Spears remind anyone else of a deer? Look at his facial structure. I hit a deer with my car that loked a lot like that.
Grounder. Out at first.
THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW PLAY IN THE 9TH INNING.
Ohmygod, Jacoby. MY LIVE FEED CUT OUT! My live feed cut out. I have no idea what is happeninggggggg.
Seriously, MLB. NOT COOL.
The Red Sox website says Scut is up. So Jacoby has to be on base, right? DAMN YOU MLB.
Okay, now Sox site says Pedroia is up. So Scut has to be on base too, right?
What just happened? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Did Pedroia… Strike OUT? Did…
MLB, THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOUR FAULT. I pay $20 bucks a month for you and-
I need to go to sleep.
Cupcake care package. STAT.
OHMYGOD It is like the Whipping Post song.
Oh Lord, I feel like I’m dyinggggggggggggggg.