Behave, guys. MIKE LOWELL IS WATCHING!

8:15 p.m. So, I was not going to live blog this one… see… I have a date with stardom… ahem… my karaoke girls at 10. So I’ll have to jet… and it irks me so when I can’t watch the end of a game.

But did you see that up the wall catch just now by Ellsbury?

I think I will sing about it tonight.

See, I was going to go low key with some Nancy Sinatra… maybe a little Queen… but a catch like that? I think it’s time to Elton John it.

—–

Ohmygod! Mike Lowell. I just cried a little.

“I’m trying to milk this as long as possible,” he said to announcers.

Us too. Us too.

Oh, Mike. Look at you in your green collared shirt.

How’s retired life?

“It’s been good, it’s been good.”

Post surgery?

“My only fear is that you’ll go back to playing because you’ll feel so good,” his doctor said.

“So what are you saying?” announcer said.

“No, I’m not coming back,” Lowell said.

And the nation cried.

What’s that song- you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone…

“The challenge of every day is what I missed,” Lowell said.

We miss your face. And your bat. And your smile. And your… whatever. I don’t care about the game anymore. I just want to hear you talk, Mike.

“I haven’t been shy about the fact of how much I enjoy playing here in Boston,” he said.

See, that jackass catch on Salty’s pop would normally piss me off. But not with you here, Mike. Not with you here.

—-

Top of the 5th and Mike Lowell is back!

He says he hasn’t watched 9 full innings of a game.

Reddick just interrupted my Lowell drooling for a kickass slide catch.

Whatever.

Go back to Mike Lowell.

Oh, now they’re talking about JD Drew vs Reddick.

“It’s kind of the nature of the beast, you know. When you’re playing you know there’s guys in teh minor leagues looking at you, and in a nutshell, they’re looking at your job,” Lowell said.

Stop showing Lackey’s face. Go. Back. To. Lowell.

Last year’s post DL homerun. Oh, I loved you then, Mike.

Let’s talk about that.

Oh, they’re showing a clip. August 3, 2010. Oh, it was sexy.

I’m okay. I still have Youkilis.

You know, Mike Lowell is a Miami guy. And I’m a Miami gal.

Just saying.

2-1, Boston, top of the 5th.

He says post-game, winding down includes watching replays and listening to what announcers say. Noooo. Don’t go! Come back, Mike! Come back! No!

Stupid announcers and their stupid goodbyes.

Stupid game interrupting my Mike Lowell interview.

Curses.

Would it be cheesy to express my feelings tonight through this song?

—–

Scut got to first on a role and it was sloppy and cringy but did the trick. Thanks, Mike Lowell. I’m sure inspired that. You would have gotten a home run. And we would have stood and cheered and… I’m okay-I’m okay. I need a minute.

Jacoby Ellsbury. To left. And a catch. It’s okay, baby. You’re not Mike Lowell.

Dustin Pedroia has extended his hitting streak to 19 games. Come on, baby. Mike is watching. Up the middle! Into centerfield! 3 for 3, baby.

Seattle sure looks sad.

—–

Gonz is up. 0 for 2. He looks perplexed, don’t you think? Something about his eyebrow today. Not both of his eyebrows. Just his right eyebrow. The one to our left. Two on base. One out. Would be a great time for a homerun. Or a single. Or, you know, a walk. Or… um… not an out.

Maybe I will sing some Pat Benitar. I mean, “Hit me with your best shot” is kind of appropriate for this moment.

What is that booing about? Did you hear that?

Full count. Another foul. What is with your eyebrow today? Seriously.

“Johnny Damon makes his HOF decision. All that tonight on NESN.”

Shut UP announcers. Okay, now Johnny Damon’s media whorage is affecting my game concentration. I have to leave in thirty. I should. Um. Put on makeup or something? I can do that.

And Gonz walks. Load ’em boys. Nice.

And Youkie comes in for a landing. A grand slam would be swell. Right here. He looks amazing toda. Amazing. See, Youk? I’d never leave you for Mike Lowell. Ever. I’m quite happy with you, really. Really. Where do you think Mike Lowell went? Think he’s sitting where I can see him? Because I don’t. See him. I’m looking. I’m… I mean, I’m watching you, Youkie. It’s only you.

Strike two. Hmm. Looked like something Mike would… I mean, I’m sure you tried your best.

A double play. Oh. Hmmm. Look at that.

It’s okay, Youkie. I’m sure… um…

I hope Mike didn’t see that.

—-

Lackey. Hi. I forgot it was you.

Carl Crawford makes a catch.

And now it’s Heidi Watney. Eating something else. Grrreat. Seriously?

Why is your job not mine? I can totalllllly eat.

And I used to be just as blonde.

I could do it again.

Damnit! Something crazy is going on down on the field- but can I see it? No. Because of Heidi freaking Watney. We missed a base steal and a ball hit because we were learning about eating oysters at Fenway Park. If I were Heidi Watney, that would NEVER happen. I wouldn’t do that to you, America.

—-

Still top of the 6. ONE out. John Lackey is starting to do his thing. I can feel it. Curt Young, you best e paying attention. You best be. That’s a southern thing. I can’t pull that off, can I?

Crawford makes another catch. So, basically, he’s the soul out machine of this inning.

Mike Carp, are you aware your last night is a fish?

Just checking. There’s something… fishy about this batter. I see why you read me. I truly am hilarious.

And Salty catches. Ending it. Nice.

Okay, John Lackey. Our trust is starting to build. I want to trust you. I do. I really do. I mean, remember when Chunk trusted you and you found all that pirate gold together? And battled kidnappers? I want us to be like that. Oh. That wasn’t you? Coulda sworn…

—-

David Ortiz, I’m glad to see you.

—-

Ew. Hernandez just scratched his nose with the ball. Ew.

—

Another double play. Didn’t the Mariners lose like 12 games? It’s supposed to be a blow out. Why isn’t it-

Oh. No. I remember now. That curse! That thing we do, where we only lose to crappy teams! Oh now! It’s- wait a minute. We won against the Orioles. And they’re crappy. Okay. I think we’re okay, guys.

—

First out of 7th. KKK for Lackey.

I’m trying to trust you. I am. But it is hard.

Oh, look! An article by someone else who watched Lowell talk! I’m going to read it and pretend you’re still with us, Lowell.

—-

Clay continues to struggle. Read about it here.

—-

John Lackey, John Lackey, John Lackey. I have to leave in 20 minutes so I can sing my brains out. You are going to influence what I sing, see. Don’t make me sing angry. The last time I did that I lost my sunglasses.

—–

Okay. Mike Lowell is no longer with you, so you serve me no purpose, announcers.

—–

Lackey throws pitch number 100. And it’s outside. Of course.

This guy’s mustache is very Fievel Goes West.

—–

Youk fires it to first! Out. “Lackey’s out of a jam.”

Yeah.

—-

27 isn’t too old for glitter, right?

—-

Miniskirt-check. Glitter- triple check. I am so ready to sing.

So can you people handle things while I go and live my life? I am so fricking excited. This is my first Friday night off ever. See, we have a 9 a.m. Sunday deadline. So even when I have the day off, I have to wake up at like 4 sometimes for late adds. But today… oh, today… huzzah. You don’t even know how great it is to have Thursday night amnesia and stay up and do Friday work.

I mean, it sucks Thursday, but…

I’m going to stay out past 10 like a real adult!

—

I’m worried about Youk. They keep replaying him catch that ball barehanded, shaking his hand. That Mike thing earlier was nothing, Youk. You don’t have to show off.

—

Jacoby’s solo home run in the third is the “difference in the game.” And he’s going to do it again. Watch.

Base hit! We’re on first and third.

—

Alrighty. I’m mascara-ed. I’m glitter-ed. I have to go. I trust you’ll be able to keep this lead going? Awesome. Thanks.

~L

Seriously? I looked away for a second. A second. Bottom of the 7th. And I missed what must have been amazing. Okay. Really leaving now…

6-1!!!!!!!!! You are making it so hard to leave my computer, game! I love Kevin Youkilis. I never doubted you, baby. You’re my one and only.

If Mike comes back on, could someone call me?

—-

I love coming home to a win at 3 a.m.

I just saw a guy in a Stankees hat singing “Sweet Caroline.” Really.