Your guest blogger is a mosquito. He sounds like Arnold.
I am blogging under the influence of two things tonight. Flavored vodka (ew) and irritation.
No, Jon Lester. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to TAKE IT OUT ON YOU. Aren’t you paying attention?
Jason Varitek. You put the vodka in the gross watermelon flavoring that is this beverage.
With doublicious fury, we have a Tek double. An Ortiz score and… another Tek score!
Thank you, errors. I’ll drink to that.
There is a mosquito in my apartment. Ohmygod, I’m going to die.
Kill it! 7:43.
Oh, Jacoby. You little all star you. I’m going to give you a cookie.
7:44. I am TAKING BACK THAT COOKIE. You know what? I’m going to let Arnold do it. Don’t look at me like that, JACOBY. There is NO CRYING IN BASEBALL.
I’m sorry if it seems like I’m overreacting to ONE out in the second inning. But gotta nip this in the bud.
Like a plant. You nip those in the bud. 7:45.
Arencibia. Your name sounds like the reproductive organ of a plant. Just saying.
Okay, Jon Lester. You get ONE. ONE WALK. See what I did to Jacoby? Don’t make me pull out more Arnold. I’ll do it. I swear to–
ohmygod the mosquito!
I am going to get malaria.
Dustin Pedroia, you are so hot. Seriously. I mean, you might have to wear lifts on the dance floor, but not in my heart of hearts.
I would like to point out that Jason Varitek is a hundred thousand in dog years and he can STILL kick your can.
I don’t like that guy on second. Jonny, do you see that guy on second? You should. You walked him there.
He’s looking at me funny, Jonny. 7:51.
Citronella. I’m getting that. It’s tacky to wear bug spray in your own house. It’s somewhere. Hovering. Waiting to find me. I mean, if I were a mosquito, I’d go after the dog. But, whatever.
Just bet five dollars that Lackey gets on the DL before his next mound run. It’s two things. 1. Wishful thinking. And 2. A safe bet. Because, how can I pay you? It’s the internet.
Please do not hit Gonz with a pitch. He was just recognized for his AL badassishness. Using… psychic… powers… to make pitch bounce off mitt and hit pitcher… not… working…
Come on, Skippy. You blow this, you get some Arnold crap. I swear to Fisk.
I love you, Skippy. I’ve always loved you.
DAMNIT. I don’t want to talk to you people anymore. Arnold? Please?
Jose Bautista. You really don’t look all that intimidating, Jose Bautista. Even though you are taking a LOT of pitches. Lester, baby, could you end this already?
TWO OUTS. Watermelon shouldn’t be a flavor. It should stay a melon.
When we’ve had a really icky run, these random games just mean way too much in my brain. You know? It’s not just about our record. Or about Jon Lester. It’s bigger than him. It’s bigger than you. It’s bigger than me. It’s about something greater. Like… revenge.
You know. Like in Conan.
It’s exactly like that. With music.
JD Drew, I have been one of your rare supporters. And you forsake me so. I’ve had about enough of your attitude. Okay. THAT WAS BULLSHIT. But it was out number three. So you get some too. Hit it, Arnold.
Matt Albers! Why are you here? Did I miss something??? AND WHY THE FRICK DID YOU JUST WALK THAT GUY????
Don’t you understand what we’re trying to do? CRUSH OUR ENEMIES, Albers! CRUSH THEM. Listen to Conan again:
Okay. Two on base, Dusty. TWO. TWO OUTS. Need to see some magic. You don’t want me to go Arnold on you AGAIN, do you? No one wants that.
Remember that homer? I do. I believe in you, Dusty. Remember that kid in Angels in the Outfield? The Gordon-Levitt preppy kid? He believed in Angels like I believe in you, baby.
WHAT WAS THAT???? STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.
Anyone else super worried about Lester? 50 pitches. 35 strikes. And they pull him? Lackey supposed to be on the DL. Not you, Lester. 8:35.
I am really digging inning 6. You pump it out, Albers. I sure hope Lackluster is watching.
I changed my mind. TWO OUTS. STILL. You gave them a hit. AND you’re loading the bases. Albers, you better not load those bases.
That was wayyyy too fricking close, Albers. I’m happy you caught the steal. But really. My feelings about that outing can best be described through this video compilation:
It must be really scary to see David Ortiz come at you with a bat. Well, it must be really scary to see David Ortiz come at you with anything.
I’d walk him too.
Alright, Navarro. This is your audition. Your real one. Two on base. TWO strikes.
Come on. Please?
I didn’t mean that. Well. Um…
8:56! Top of 7. Aka: Shot thirty.
Hi, Morales. I’m going to trust you for a few while I walk the midget, k?
8th! Still 3-0, Sox. Yay. I’m so happy to see this. So happy that I’m done with Arnold. Probably.
Winning is so much more fun than losing.
So. A few bad calls. But a good game. Offense? Check. Defense? Check.
Anyone know what happened to Lester yet?
A good game. Back in it.
Bottom of the 8th.
Can mosquitoes bite you through denim?
2… 2? What the frick?! I was gone like… ten minutes. HOW DID YOU SCORE TWICE? It’s the ninth fricking inning. PAY ATTENTION, SOXIES. THIS IS WHAT A RALLY IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.
Crap. Oh crap.
A SINGLE? A SINGLE? Paps? Say it ain’t so.
That’s a song by Weezer.
OHMYGOD, Papelbon! Why?
Arencibia. You. Are. Stressful.
AND A WALK??? COME ON! Two on base. TWO outs. The fricking 9th. PAPELBONNNNNNNN.
Okay. We won. But that was ugly. That was …
Papelbon. We will have words. But I’m tired. Too tired for you today. But-