Winnin’… or not. DAMN YOU, 8th INNING!
See? I put the apostrophe in “winning” to indicate a southern accent. Because, ladies and gents, I am blogging from Lexington No’th Carolina (see the apostrophe in North? That’s how you say it), Bahbeecue (<- like that) capitol of the world. At a wedding. A dry wedding, mind you. At a… winery? But beautiful wedding!
The Chicago smack down (as historians will call this weekend) was predictably smacktastic. I am watching the end of the game today and saw the score last night and… I know I said I wanted to go easy on the Cubbies. You know, for the sake of sweet, sweet history… but my boys just have to keep applying themselves..
David Ortiz hits his 300th homerun as a Soxie.
And I didn’t see it.
I, you see, was eating crab dip and chasing two-year-olds. Do you know how fast a two-year-old can barrel down a hallway? Because I do. Fast. They dart. They dart between legs and into corners and they goose strangers.
WAIT A SECOND. 4-3?
I was JUST watching you, stupid game. JUST watching you.
Okay, guys, really?
I already used the term smacktastic. Don’t make me take it back. I was going to bring you BARBECUE, K-Youk.
NO BARBEQUE FOR YOU.
Is it barbeque or barbecue? Or bbq?
There are a lot of ceramic pigs in this town.
I don’t actually eat pig.
Speaking of pigs, there’s some oinking going on in Fenway. What. The. Hell???????
And JENKS could be back Monday? TITO, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?????
I thought… you know… if I could survive two-year-old wrangling…
But I am going to blow an artery and it will be YOUR fault.
Now. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN THIS STUPID, UNHOLY 8th inning?
Okay, I’m getting caught up now. Apparently, we sent someone to the hospital.
No. It wasn’t K-Youk.
It was Byrd. WHAT PART OF, ‘WE LIKE THE CUBS, GO EASY ON THEM’ DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!
I was gone for like a day. The world changes.
We are tied for FIRST in the ALE. FIRST. And the Stankees are winning. PLEASE don’t mess this up. I’m still not sure who to yell at!
You know what will make us feel better?
THIS video Fire Danny Ainge took yesterday of the hottest person in the world: Kevin Youkilis.
Okay. I don’t feel better. ONLY ONE OUT? This is the WORST 8th inning EVER.
YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO PITCH AGAIN.
This isn’t a rally. This is SUICIDE.
Don’t talk to me. Just. Don’t. Talk. To. Me.
If I hadn’t thought far enough in advance to buy airport bottles of liquor, this moment would be worse.
Did I mention I am in a hotel room with my mother?
I hate you Kerry Wood, and all that you stand for.
If EVERYONE homers…
Okay. How about EVERYONE but Jacoby?
I want to wash my mascara off, but the last time I left the room YOU DESTROYED MY HOPES AND DREAMS.
Okay. I am going to go wash wedding makeup off my face. If you kill us, I swear to Fisk I will hunt you down and scream at you. Loudly. With the aid of something electronic. Like a bull horn.
Maybe the 8th inning is the apocalypse everyone’s been talking about.
The CDC has NOOOOOO advice for what to do during a RED SOX apocalypse.
It doesn’t matter. This is inter-league. No one cares about inter-league. I don’t.
And now my mother wants to watch a Nicholas Cage movie. You have ruined my ENTIRE day.
And it’s up to the big three. I hate you, Nicholas Cage.
Okay. The Gonz (said with “the Fonz” inflection). K-Youk. And Papi.
A single! Okay. We’re a fourth of the way there! You know, times several. Since they have NINE runs.
DAMNIT! Youkie-Bear! You ruined it for everyone!!!!
Come on, Papi. Please?
The biggest streak in baseball…
Damn it. Don’t talk to me.
I’m going airport bottle hunting.
Don’t talk to me.
And now my mother is watching a Nicholas Cage movie. Great. ALBERS. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
Facebook status reads: See, if the world HAD ended, I wouldn’t have had to see that 8th inning, MATT ALBERS.
And Jeb comments: “Maybe the world did end and you’re in hell?”