Home > Sox Game Recaps > Bobby Jenks. You made my soul cry. Your hater, Lauren

Bobby Jenks. You made my soul cry. Your hater, Lauren

Dear Bobby Jenks,

I do not know what happened.

I have been interviewing the Doobie Brothers all day. See, while you were hurling a ball around for funsies, I was actually doing MY job.

So… I have not had a chance to completely analyze your FAILURE. I haven’t had a chance to figure out whose effigy I need to construct before my million hour writing crusade tomorrow. But, Bobby Jenks, Youkie Bear says I should talk to you.

So I’m talking to you, Bobby Jenks. I’m talking to you and I am trying to use small words so you can understand me through that mass of irrelevant crap on your chin.


I don’t know whether to yell at you or do the defeated headshake.

I don’t know whether to shoot you a subliminal toe stubbing curse or throw a “trade him” temper tantrum.

And I’m too tired to think of how many ridiculous things rhyme with your name, JENKS. But I’m sure when I sing in the shower in the AM, I will be inspired to construct lots of nasty lyrics about how UTTERLY USELESS YOU ARE.

There’s this chess game where you play opposite chess. It’s called suicide chess, I think, where you TRY to get checkmated. The first person to force the opponent to checkmate them wins…


You know what? I can’t do this. My feet hurt. And my tolerance has been crushed by children with sticky fingers and funnel cakes.

So I am giving you a pass.

I’m giving you the whole night to think about what you’ve done.

Sob into your pillow, Jenks. Let it out now. Because Monday, when MerleFest is over, I am going to yell at your face so loudly that if your face was a house with pigs it would be like that fairy tale where all the pigs have to run into the brick house because their straw house dies.

Bobby Jenks, I HATE you.


PS- Random. A reporter today (not me) asked Patrick Simmons of the Doobie Bros if Jesus was still alright with him.

Patrick Simmons replied, straight-faced, “Jesus is just alright.”

You know what’s not alright, JENKS? LOSING TO THE MARINERS. I bet Mike Cameron glares at you in the locker room. You RUINED his homeruns, Jenks. Damn you.

At least it’s not the Orioles again.

  1. FireDannyAinge
    April 30, 2011 at 1:03 am


  2. April 30, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Great blog! And I’m jealous that you get to interview the Doobie Brothers. Wow. I’m not loving the Jenks much right now either. I think the Sox have made the same mistake with Jenks that they made with Gagne. Both of them are/were closers, and the Sox tried to make them set up guys. Can’t do that. A closer doesn’t pitch well if he’s not in a save situation. It just doesn’t work.

  3. April 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Doobie Brothers story…I was to see them perform with BOSTON (The group, not the Red Sox…) at the Civic Arena in Pittsburgh in 1976. Both bands got there…but Boston’s equipment did not. Therefore, it was an all-Doobie evening…and you may take that any way you wish. I also want to take note of FireDannyAinge’s comment. I laughed. I needed one today. Thank you FDA.

  4. FireDannyAinge
    April 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    No problem Sportsattitude. I aim to please:)

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