Home > Previews and pep talks > The elephant on the mound

The elephant on the mound

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Two games high with a fire-breathing obstacle in our midst:


And, while it may just seem like two games to YOU, to a battered and bruised Sox nation, it’s an eternity. And it’s a long way down.

Dice-K is all that stands between the nation and what COULD be its first series take in 2011.

The United States versus Canada.

The south versus the North.

Good versus Evil.

Too harsh?

What used to be our secret Japanese weapon, however, has become the elephant-in-the-bullpen. The big, pouty, crazy pitchin’ elephant.

(Did that scene terrify anyone else as a child?)

And, while elephants make great Disney movies, they don’t make great pitchers.

So what to do… what to do… pack it up? Retreat to our dugouts like Tampa did in that World Series that one time? Whine, cry and sneer like Johnny Damon did that one… um… ALL the time?


We do what all good Americans do. We compensate.

Only, instead of increasing our tire size or buying gas guzzling SUVs and relaxing our lower jaws in a Vin Diesel sneer, we’re going to bat like hell. Bat. Like. Hell.

You hear me, K-Youk? This isn’t a time to back down from that bee dance you do at the plate. And you, Jacoby! Steal like you’ve never stolen before. And Dustin, baby, you knock them out of the park!

Gonz! Drew! Step the frick up. Lowrie! Don’t get injured!

And Crawford… um… intimidate them with your …. um … Look for the walks!

If we all work together, maybe no one will notice that we’ve draped an elephant over the mound.

Now back to that elephant…

Dice, baby. You’re 6-1 against the Blue Jays. SIX to ONE. But with a Fenway era since your last win of 9.36… you’re broken.

How can we fix you?

Do you need a hug? How about a cookie? A Hallmark-esque greeting of encouragement? Or maybe, just maybe, we should clap our hands together as a nation. You know? Like how Peter Pan saved Tinker Bell?

I do believe in Dice-K. I do believe in Dice-K…

Did… did it work?


Quick! Someone find more fairy dust.

Maybe if you say it too… maybe if we all say it together…

“We do believe in Dice-K. We do believe in Dice-K.”

Humor me, okay? Say it out loud

Oh, don’t give me that. We’ve all told lies before. Don’t think you’re special.

Say it again. I think it worked. It felt like it worked.

I guess we won’t know until tomorrow…

Say it a few more times before you go to work, k? Just in case.


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  1. April 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

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