Home > Previews and pep talks > I can hear it from Florida

I can hear it from Florida

As the sun rose this morning, I thought I could make out a distant murmur. It was quiet at first… and then, slowly, gradually, it became clearer. See, I don’t know if you can hear Florida from Boston, but I’m separated by just two states.

“We’re not the worst,” it said. “We’re not the worst.”


It wasn’t just a nyquil-induced nightmare.

Leach says Tampa’s in the tough spot.

“They’re going to hit. They’re going to pitch better than they have. They may not win 100 games, as some folks figured they might, but the most important thing for the Red Sox, even after Monday’s debacle, is just to stay with it.”

I’ll be interested to see what he has to say today.

And then Tito talks about Tuesday.

“We were facing one of the best guys in the league, just like they were,’’ said Sox manager Terry Francona. “We didn’t go into the game thinking we were going to knock him around the ballpark.’’

And then Jon Lester talks.

“[Four] singles beat me,’’ Lester said. “You know what? I’ll take that every start. If you’re going to beat me with singles, then I’ll tip my hat.”

But he doesn’t sound like Jon Lester.

He sounds like …


“Probably the only pitch in that inning I wanted back was the ball I threw to Damon,’’ Lester said. “Right side of the plate, up a little bit, and he was able to put a good swing on it.’’

Damnit, Jon Lester!

And Youk. A DH. Hmmm. No, I can see it. Really I can. Like last year. Or the year before. You know how I’m slightly fanatical when it comes to my Youkie-Bear. But this was not the time. And for what? To accommodate JED LOWRIE?

But this post, you see, isn’t a recap. It’s not a place for negativity. It’s about a pep talk. A pep talk for… um… John Lackey. Okay. Ahem. Deep breath.

Dear John Lackey,

Hey, John. Johnny. John-John. Big John. That’s what they used to call you, isn’t it? Hmmm. Where to start, where to start. By now I’m sure you’ve read my blog history. I’m sure you’ve caught the Facebook status where I call you an “awkward clown with too much lipstick in a bobsled on a highway of broken dreams.” What I … um… meant to say was that you are an “awkward clown with too much lipstick in a bobsled on a highway of broken dreams with potential.

Yeah, so… um…

You know what, John? I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Just please don’t suck. I’m… um… sure you won’t.

Cordially yours,


Dear everyone else,

Ohmygod, Youkie-Bear! John Lackey’s going to suck! You’ve got to get it together guys. Get. It. Together. Crawford, you’re on protein shakes. Use the chocolate kind. Not the vanilla. We’ve got Jacoby and you know how much he likes his milkshakes. Pedroia! Quick. To the motivational quote book! Look for something from “The Mighty Ducks.” That usually puts Scut in a good mood. And someone, for the love of god, someone (McDonald, I’m talking to you!) give David Ortiz a hug. And the rest of you! Work on the harmonies for Sweet Caroline. The bass is a little stale, PAPELBON.

Okay. 1, 2, 3, break!

Knock ’em down, boys.




So… um… anyone got any good Johnny Damon jokes?




PS- Someone just told me the Red Sox are the Rebecca Black of baseball.


Addendum, 9 a.m.: Okay, guys, someone just searched for this website by typing the following into Google: “should i start john lackey april 13, 2011”

Tito. Curt Young. If this is you- NO. For the love of Fisk, NO.


  1. April 13, 2011 at 8:55 am

    I hadn’t even HEARD of Rebecca until Jimmy Fallon did a take-off…check out this post for both her video and the alternative…ya learn something new every day…


  2. April 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Hi to you. I’ve seen her video once and in this case, once was more than enough. You wrote a GREAT post. I wish the Sox were playing to the same caliber. Right now? You know the answer. Lackey-daisical is going tonight. He has to shine. We’re already saddled with a Matsuzaka. Plus WHERE ARE THE BATS? I’m clueless.

  1. April 13, 2011 at 4:16 pm

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