‘If there is a God, he is laughing at us. And our baseball team.’
“If there is a God, he is laughing at us. And our (baseball) team.” ~Ben Folds. Saw him do this live at Farthing Auditorium the other day and just knew it was appropriate.
I am upset.
It’s like that time in the middle school spelling bee where I could spell words like “propinquity” but got knocked out in a humiliating failed attempt at the word “friend.”
Suckerpunched. Bewildered. Exhausted.
And the more upset I get, the more I turn to YOUTUBE and the less sense I make, so be warned.
DICE-K, NO COOKIES FOR YOU.
See, I’m not only beautiful, intelligent and Sox-savvy. I’m also one hell of a baker. Chocolate chip delights could have been yours, Dice-K. AND THEY ARE AMAZING. But no. You will not know the mouthwatering, gooey chocolaty drool-inducing dessert coma creating goodness of my cookies. Instead, you now know the salty faithful-stained tears of failure (Not that you were exactly a stranger… but I digress). I would have preferred the cookies… but that’s just me.
I asked you to do ONE THING. You know what’s NOT wiping the smirk off of Johnny Damon’s face? Handing him a giftwrapped homerun. And Fenway, apparently, was just as unforgiving as my kitchen. I hear you got booed, Dice-K. I hear you got booed. THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN. STOP STEALING JOHNNY’S BOOS. He deserves them for winning the Most Horrible Human Alive Pageant!!!
Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck!
Really. What’s wrong, buddy? Are you hurt? Is your toe broken? A lumbar problem perhaps? Is it the turf? Are you allergic to red baseball dirt? Hot dogs? WINNING?
Because there has to be something I don’t know. Something that compels Terry Francona and Curt Young to pop you (AND JOHN LACKEY. DAMNIT, JOHN LACKEY) onto the mound over and over again.
Dennys Reyes would have at LEAST hit Johnny Damon with a pitch!!!!! Um. I didn’t mean that. Um…
AND YOU CURT YOUNG. What is wrong with the 2-8 picture? Let’s break it down. That’s two wins to eight losses. Both, primarily, blamed on the pitching. What do all the pitchers have in common? Hmm. Let’s see… oh, that’s right. YOU, Curt Young. What does Tito know that we are not seeing?
And Tim. Timmy. Timmy-Tim-Tim. I expect this from Dice-K. There’s something wrong with him. But you? My knuckleballer? What. Is. Going. On.? Is it Tek? Because he just got engaged. There’s going to be less time for us, Timmy. He’s going to be fawning all over that long-named-Nick-Swisher-cast-off and- I’m okay. I need another moment. TEK! Okay. I’m okay.
But back to you Dice-K. TAMPA IS THE WORST TEAM. THE WORST. 16-5??? How can this happen?
Let me break it down for you. SEVEN RUNS. That’s how.
Tampa. Already considered by sports announcers the worst team. Tampa. Humiliated by Manny Ramirez. TAMPA.
David Ortiz. We are okay. Gonz. We are okay. Jacoby. We’re cool. K-Youk. Marry me.
The rest of you?
Laundry duty. I want to see those uniforms pish-posh (that’s fancy for clean, I think). I want to see some feet washing. You better get in-between K-Youk’s toes. AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU, JOHN LACKEY (just ’cause).
So… what to do? Something, Curt Young. It’s time to do something.
What to do.. what to do…
Well, it’s Monday. at 11:26. There’s only one thing to do. Cheers!
Sober up before you trek to work tomorrow, k?
I’ll be more coherent in the morning.