Home > Sox Game Recaps > Dearest Clay, Learn to pitch. Love, Lauren

Dearest Clay, Learn to pitch. Love, Lauren

Dearest Clay Buchholz,

Sorry to miss the game today. This is what I was doing.

Yep. That’s me.

Apparently, this is what YOU were doing.

Yep. That’s you. And JOHN LACKEY (just ’cause).

FIVE RUNS? In under FOUR innings? Really, Clay? Really? Is that what they do in Atlanta?

AND YOU PEOPLE. I left you people, yes YOU, reading this, in charge! And you let Francona send in LOWRIE? But I digress. This letter is for Clay. Who can’t pitch, but I’m assuming HE CAN READ. Maybe someone should write you a pitching manual! No, not you, Curt Young. No, DEFINITELY not you, JOHN LACKEY.

Post-Watauga River I got a text that you were in dire straits, Clay. I drove through a “city” called Elizabethton desperately seeking a television for YOU (where, by the way, all the restaurants have pictures or sculptures of what they serve. for some reason, people in Tennessee need visual aids like giant hotdogs on top of hotdog restaurants. It took me awhile to realize this didn’t extend to sports bars. I kept looking for the giant bottle of pbr…) I braved country gospel radio stations, scary fly fisherman vests and banjo music (I swear I heard it by the river bank…) for YOU, Clay Buchholz.

Found a Beef O’Brady’s in a strip mall. SAVED, I thought. Except that Fox had the rights to the game and, since I am so fricking far away from Boston, Fox was playing the BRAVES game (this is YOUR fault, Buchholz). So I managed to miss the entire game. I had to watch fifteen minutes of GOLF to justify my drink tab, CLAY. And then I had to drive through a hail-driven thunderstorm. A thunderstorm brought on by your POOR PITCHING, no doubt. When you mess with great forces (like our one game winning streak, you turd), it’s innocents like me who suffer the consequences.

Rushing, rushing through sky raining hell and fury on my poor Chevy Aveo… speeding through the curves of 321 and why? FOR YOU.

And what did you do for me Clay? What did you do? You allowed me to get back to Boone just in time to see the score. 9 to fricking 4.

Tito tells us it’s not Salty’s fault or Young’s fault. It’s the “execution.” YOUR execution, Clay Buchholz.

After you are finished massaging the feet of the only starter I currently respect (JON LESTER), I want you to move on to Josh Beckett’s feet, okay? Rub his feet like they’re bread dough. Because we need him tomorrow. And your hands haven’t done anything else useful today.



So, kids, what did I miss? Any silver lining? Anything at all? You sure? Want to make something up? I’ll never know… For the love of Fisk tell me something good.

At least the river was amazing.

Replace the word Elliot with Beckett. Pretend Carla is Terry Francona. Pretend JD and Turk are the bull pen. I bet this is what it’s like.

I wish I was still on the river…


Addendum: Who misses PEDRO?

Categories: Sox Game Recaps
  1. April 9, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Clay didn’t pitch well. New York’s lineup is ridiculous and is probably the best in baseball. Boston will bounce back. There is too much talent on that club to keep playing like they are. Love the post.

  2. Jeb
    April 10, 2011 at 12:18 am

    I TOLD YOU! You thought I was joking but I wasn’t. This is what happens when you ditch me. God gave you a reprieve on Friday but now he strikes down with great vengeance and furious anger!

  3. April 10, 2011 at 6:05 am

    I’m happy you arrived safely at your destination. I’ll tell you one thing…the Fenway Faithful will demand a great performance from Josh Beckett tonight. As will Red Sox Nation. If he “messes” up, the boos will rain down and rumble every seat at the Park, sounding like a veritable earthquake. Let’s hope not. Your blog is great!

  4. April 10, 2011 at 7:11 am

    In his post-game remarks, Clay indicated he needs to do better. Nowhere to go but up, of course…but the first step is recognizing you have a problem…so mission accomplished there.

  5. FireDannyAinge
    April 10, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Clay had no choice but to admit he sucked because he sucked.

    I am sick of hearing It’s early. Actually I am more sick saying it then hearing it.

  6. April 11, 2011 at 5:14 am

    Josh Beckett made up for it. Buchholz will be fine. I worry about Lackey and Daisuke. That worry comes with the territory.

  7. April 11, 2011 at 11:42 am

    I’m much more worried about Lackey.
    I think Dice-K can pull it together. He didn’t pitch THAT badly last week. Mediocrity, I can deal with in April. Of course, he had the Tek at the plate.
    I don’t even know if the captain can help Lackey.

  8. April 11, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    Oh. My. God. I was wrong. God help us all.

  1. April 10, 2011 at 6:45 pm
  2. April 15, 2011 at 12:23 am

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