Home > Sox Game Recaps > Stop nailing rocks at my husband’s head, damn it.

Stop nailing rocks at my husband’s head, damn it.

 

Dear Terry Francona,

Why?

Tell me the truth. Is it because I stepped out for those two minutes? Gwen needed a cigarette break. I was gone two minutes. Less than two minutes. A minute and a freaking half, Terry.

 Is this Gwen’s fault? Is this the tobacco industry’s fault? Is this my friend Joel’s fault for poking me in the face during the 8th inning?

 Curtis Granderson. Oh, Curtis Grandersnake. Curtis Grandersnob. Curtis Grandershit.

 No, Lackey outpitched Pettitte. That was fun to see, Terry. Kudos to team Theo. You kids had a plan. And this week, your plan was 1-2.

 And Ortiz… oh, I’ve never jumped up and down like that for a single. I think he still has it. I’m keeping the faith, just like you said, Terry..

It was fun to watch for awhile, Terry. You had all the makings of a classic Sox standoff. The characters were there (Hah, Pettitte, Jacoby), the setting, even Nomah.

Where did it turn into a bad Nicholas Cage movie?

 “Ah, but then the hidden horror of 2010 reared its ugly head—our woefully sub-par bullpen. The “Not So Great Scott” brigade (Schoeneweis and Atchison) were sandwiched around Daniel Bard and Papelbon, who coughed up a mammoth “no-doubter” home run to Curtis Granderson in the 10th.”

 Oh, Paps…

What is going on with him, Terry? It’s okay. You can tell me. Is it trouble at home? Is it the pollen? Is it because I’m not in Boston? It’s because I’m not in Boston, isn’t it? Is it because I wore a sundress instead of my Yankee-hater shirt? Because my friend Melanie said I looked cute in the sundress.

 And did you see that ass nail a rock at my husband?

No wonder he was hitless! A ball caught him in the freaking head.

And WHAT is up with JD Drew? That’s a problem. That’s a big problem. Do you know that’s a problem, Terry? Are we on the same page here?

 You know who I miss? Jason Bay.

Yeah, the Mets lost last night… (to the Marlins. Yay) but their opening day was pretty… and I couldn’t have been the only one wishing he was up next in the batting order last night. He misses us too. I can tell.

Excuse me, I have “Break” by the Script in my head for some reason…

How’s he doing, Terry? Did he ask about me?

 At least it’s an off day. Because I need a day.

 Could you work on your pep talks? Get up with that Sacco kid. Bet he’s got some ideas. Find out whatever they said to Park before shoving him to the mound, then get Sacco to say it in his “Screw ’em” voice.

Thanks,

 Lauren

PS: Have you read this?  Can you confirm or deny? Is Jason Varitek still alive? Thanks.

 You know what would make us feel better? I know what would make us feel better.

 

In the grand scheme of things, it’s just two games. Two games against the Stankees’ offense. That’s about as rock hard as it gets. It will only get better from here. And, the next time we meet, we’ll have a lot more to talk about, Yanks.

In other news, Red Sox just surpassed the Mets in over-all value, says Forbes Magazine.

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Categories: Sox Game Recaps
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