Jon Lester is punishing us for taking away the chicken.

Do you ever think it’s on purpose? Like, for some reason, Jon Lester is mad at us?

My puppy does this sometimes. Not so much anymore now that she’s a grown up (take note, Jon Lester). But you hear about it. Your puppy is angry at you so she poos in the middle of the floor. Or on your Fortune magazine.

Is this your middle-of-the-floor poo, Jon Lester? Okay. We get it. We’ll walk you. GEEZ.

Baaaaaad Pirate loss aside (the fricking PIRATES?), things aren’t so stable in the nation.

And, despite what you may read, it’s not just the rotation that’s breaking like hips on osteoporosis.

Check out this depressing read on Carl Crawford. Actually… don’t. You might not want to… Here. Read this pointless article on A-Gonz instead. Or this!

Oh good. Media reports of “trouble brewing.” I’m so glad we have the media to interpret horrible losses as horrible losses.

Okay. 6-5 wouldn’t be horrible. You know. Unless it was against the FRICKING Pirates.

But, let’s be comforted in the fact that it is just a dress rehearsal. Let’s all take a deep breath and…

Hi, Media. You’re back.

Is Bobby Valentine taking the right approach? <- Really? How can we POSSIBLY know that when haven’t even played a REAL game? Seriously, people. I’m not going to say I’m wading in tulips over the way this week has been playing out, but it’s SPRING TRAINING. They don’t always nail the soliloquies weeks before the show, guys…

The losses aren’t what fills me with motionsicky dread. What fills me with motionsicky dread is the overall organization, or lack thereof. How we’re still in rumored talks with Roy Oswalt (SERIOUSLY) and don’t have a concrete rotation. Or a concrete lineup. Or a concrete anything, really. It’s like a dress rehearsal with only half a script. THAT is what we should be freaking out about. Not specifics. The general icky disorganization.

Panic about the CORRECT thing, Soxies.

Bobby V is still not sure about Bard- I’m okay with that uncertainty. It’s this thing Bobby V and I share. If we were friends, we’d talk about this over cheesecake. Bobby V, unlike most of you, Twitter world, gets the free pass dilemma. Bard keeps handing them out. I think it’s because he’s charitable. There’s no room for charitable DURING the games, Bard. That’s what Jimmy Fund events are for…

“I don’t think that even with his good stuff I could handle the walks,” Valentine said. “Now I don’t know if [it's the] spring…and trying to impress. That’s why I looked for the changeup. If there was a pitch he wasn’t comfortable with and that was causing some of these negative counts, I would have been able to use that as an excuse.”

Of course, look at our options… Doubront… MILLER…

Sigh. With the current troupe of players, Bard might be the default…

I have said all along I trust Aceves’ experience over Bard’s mound moping… I like Bard. I do. I like him in the bull pen. And, for once, I am not alone in the universe…

Speaking of things to get dizzy about- the Red Sox, at $1 billion (which will buy you a lot of yachts, eh, John Henry?), is the THIRD most valuable team, behind Stanks ($1.85 billion) and Dodgers )$1.5 billion). I’m telling you, it’s all those damn trucker hats the Stanks sell.

The Sox were FOURTH highest in TV rankings… But see, no one actually had to watch us last year, with the media’s careful attention to September highlights…

Fun facts to know and tell-

Revenue $310 million
Operating Income: $25.4 million
Debt/Value: 24%
Player Expenses: $191 million
Gate Receipts: $180 million
Revenue per Fan: $69

Do you think they’ll  refund us our $69 from last year? I sure could use that money. I’d buy eggs.

Have you tweeted me yet? You should.

Speaking of Twitter, apparently, Red Sox Nation was baffled by an Aviles impersonator on Twitter…

PS- They’re trying to make me forget about Jason Varitek again, you guys. I feel as though we should all buy matching NEVER FOREGET bracelets. Who’s with me?

L

Vicente Padilla went serial killer on his hamstring but I think Neve Campbell got away.

Padilla, arguably the scariest man to ever wear a “B” hat, says he pulled a hamstring lifting weights. But there are lots of ways scary serial killer-looking people pull hamstrings, you know…

To be clear, Vicente, I’m not saying you ARE a serial killer. I’m just saying you LOOK like one. PLEASE DON’T HURT ME.

Anyway, in grand Sox fashion, Padilla is out before he’s even gotten a chance to give his crazy face to Verlander.

Did those eyes mangle anyone else’s soul just now?

It’s okay, guys. ONE injury isn’t going to… oh. Hi, Andrew Miller.

Red Sox left-hander Andrew Miller threw only three pitches in the seventh inning before signalling to the dugout that he was in physical distress.

Okay. I get that you want to fit in, Andrew. Can I call you Andrew? But pulling a SEPTEMBER isn’t the way to do it.

Wait. Hold the phone.

YOUR HAMSTRING TOO?

Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?

THERE ARE TWO KILLERS!

Quick! Let’s go upstairs!

Is anyone else really not caring about this ST game? It kind of just makes me, like ALL Toronto games, miss John Farrell…

John Farrell, BY THE WAY, doesn’t seem to think Bard’s so smacktastic either.

“It’s getting back to the full length of the season and the total number of innings pitched,” he said. “So when you’re counting on a guy to be an inning-eating starting pitcher, that might be a (multi-) year process.”

See- and we don’t have multi-years, sir. We need to start kicking ass yesterday. That is the ONLY way to get them to shut up about the damn chicken.

You kicked ass today. That’s great. I’m thrilled. Truly. But I’m not dazzled. You can’t dazzle me in an ST game. I’m still wait and see on you, Bard. Wait and see.

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So, I have decided to be much more interactive, Soxies. Hence the renewed action on Twitter. Don’t follow me on Twitter? Just a hint- but there are some neat things coming in April- so you might want to get into the Twitter magic by clicking here.

Anyway, I asked the Twitter kids what THEY would like to see in a blog- and they responded. So, stay tuned for that. A nice, easy way to bring back everyone’s favorite… ASK TOO SOXY!

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So. TWITTER ME. ASAP. And don’t change that dial. Neat things are coming. Neat things.

I’m very twitterable. Just ask around.

L

Maybe Brian Cashman isn’t (entirely) evil and other stories to spin your Sunday.

So. Brian Cashman of Stankees infamy does have a redeeming quality: His taste in players. When asked to identify his favorite player to watch from another club, he only said what everyone was thinking.

“Kevin Youkilis probably. He really grinds out an at-bat and just kills you. He is so determined,” said Cashman. “You can pitch him in. You can hit him. Whatever. He just gets back in there and it’s sheer determination. It’s never a comfortable at-bat when you’re watching this guy try to do damage against your pitchers. He just finds a way to do it. I appreciate watching how he goes about his business and just how tenacious he is. A lot of these guys are very controlled in this sport, unlike football. But he’s got a tenaciousness that just oozes right through his bat, right there at the plate, and it’s pretty special to watch.”

He IS pretty special, isn’t he?

And, before you totally blink out of oppositeville, guess who Sox scout Galen Car said: DEREK JETER.

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PITCHING NEWS

In good news, Captain Obvious’s messages are finally hitting home, as Alfredo Aceves is being conditioned to start in the Sox rotation.

The “I-told-you-so” chorus would be louder, but it is currently Papelgrieving, so…

There are also rumors that Bard’s being looked at for rotation. But that’s a bad idea. Why?

Were you watching baseball this summer? Do we really have to relive the pain? He’s a short-term pitcher with not a lot of inning depth- and his eyes bug out in pressure games. Let’s work him in the bullpen until he’s unJenksed, k?

And rumors are circulating about Matt Cain.

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The MANAGER Search

And Torey Lovullo (ex Paw-Sox manager) and Gene Lamont (Tigers) are adding their names to the dating pool for the management gig. And I have a TooSoxy endorsement that may not be the most popular.

TOREY LOVULLO.

Yes, I know he’s a Jay- but just hear me out. Not only has he ALREADY had to deal with Sox drama (Paw Sox, yep, Paw Sox) AND is familiar with the players- he’s currently the righthand of John Farrell. Something HAS to have rubbed off. Darkhorse? Yes. Popular? No. Sveum? No. My choice? YES.

To be fair, Lamont and Sveum have also worked with the Sox- but in a bigger capacity- so they could already be tainted by Front Office whimsy. It all makes sense in my head, see.

Besides, the killer is always the person you least suspect. And NO ONE suspects Lovullo.

And, since I know how much my opinion means to you, America- start reaquainting yourself to Clam Chowder, New England style, Lovullo. And the rest of you, start learning to spell his name. THREE Ls, people. Come on.

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Our FAs

So. Paps is out. But that doesn’t mean we have to lose the rest of our hopes and dreams. There’s Jason Varitek, and FireBrand says it’s time to let go:

Based on what you can expect from a 40-year old catcher, it might best to move on. It’s Lavarnway time but it’s always great to remember how important Varitek has been to the Boston Red Sox and how lucky we were to have him.

TooSoxy has a different opinion.

We’ll never let go, will we, Soxies? (Yes. I went there)

So he’s no spring chicken (Is it too soon for chicken jokes?). Tek needs to retire in a Sox uniform. He’s more than a glove. He’s a leader. I say slide him into Curt Young’s vacancy. He’s more than the catcher. He’s the captain. And after what we’ve been through, we need stability, continuity and JASON VARITEK.

David Ortiz. If Tek is the soul of the Sox, Ortiz is its heart. And he’s not going ANYWHERE. Right, Ben Cherington? Right?

“There’s some interesting guysout there that could factor into our right-field mix,” said Cherington. “A lot of that depends again on David. If David’s here, we’re going to go in a certain direction with the outfield. If he’s not here, it sort of opens it up a little bit. There’s alternatives, both in free agency and in a trade market for guys that can play right field.”

Is anyone else NOT comforted by that?

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Letting go

Theo Epstein is really gone. Really, really. And, even though HE CAN’T SEEM TO SHUT UP AND LET GO… we have to.

“How do you describe a death spiral?” he said. “We knew we had issues going into September (even though) we were on pace for 100 wins. We just couldn’t stop bleeding. A lot of things happened at the same time. We lost a few key guys to injury, a few guys had a significant downturn in their performance, and all of a sudden we looked up and we didn’t have enough pitching.”

SHUT UP!

“There weren’t players getting drunk during games. And it wasn’t widespread — it might have been one, two, three guys,” Epstein said.

Stop talking! You are making it worse!

I think this is alllllll part of the plan to steal our manager candidates.

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Bizarre News

And, in bizarrely horrific news, remember the Washington Nationals catcher kidnapped in Venezuela? (This really happened) He’s been rescued.

What is the world coming to?

So much news. Anyone else’s eyes rolling around in their heads?

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TooSoxy has Twitter

And, in the most exciting news news of the weekend, we officially have a Twitter page. Tweet me. Tweet me like you’ve never Tweeted before.

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So, thoughts people! Manager search! Ortiz! Tek! Who should stay? Who should go? Who should be kidnapped next in Venezuela (too soon, Lauren. Too soon)? Onward to the caffiene.

~L