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Posts Tagged ‘Roy Oswalt’

Jon Lester is punishing us for taking away the chicken.

March 21, 2012 8 comments

Do you ever think it’s on purpose? Like, for some reason, Jon Lester is mad at us?

My puppy does this sometimes. Not so much anymore now that she’s a grown up (take note, Jon Lester). But you hear about it. Your puppy is angry at you so she poos in the middle of the floor. Or on your Fortune magazine.

Is this your middle-of-the-floor poo, Jon Lester? Okay. We get it. We’ll walk you. GEEZ.

Baaaaaad Pirate loss aside (the fricking PIRATES?), things aren’t so stable in the nation.

And, despite what you may read, it’s not just the rotation that’s breaking like hips on osteoporosis.

Check out this depressing read on Carl Crawford. Actually… don’t. You might not want to… Here. Read this pointless article on A-Gonz instead. Or this!

Oh good. Media reports of “trouble brewing.” I’m so glad we have the media to interpret horrible losses as horrible losses.

Okay. 6-5 wouldn’t be horrible. You know. Unless it was against the FRICKING Pirates.

But, let’s be comforted in the fact that it is just a dress rehearsal. Let’s all take a deep breath and…

Hi, Media. You’re back.

Is Bobby Valentine taking the right approach? <- Really? How can we POSSIBLY know that when haven’t even played a REAL game? Seriously, people. I’m not going to say I’m wading in tulips over the way this week has been playing out, but it’s SPRING TRAINING. They don’t always nail the soliloquies weeks before the show, guys…

The losses aren’t what fills me with motionsicky dread. What fills me with motionsicky dread is the overall organization, or lack thereof. How we’re still in rumored talks with Roy Oswalt (SERIOUSLY) and don’t have a concrete rotation. Or a concrete lineup. Or a concrete anything, really. It’s like a dress rehearsal with only half a script. THAT is what we should be freaking out about. Not specifics. The general icky disorganization.

Panic about the CORRECT thing, Soxies.

Bobby V is still not sure about Bard- I’m okay with that uncertainty. It’s this thing Bobby V and I share. If we were friends, we’d talk about this over cheesecake. Bobby V, unlike most of you, Twitter world, gets the free pass dilemma. Bard keeps handing them out. I think it’s because he’s charitable. There’s no room for charitable DURING the games, Bard. That’s what Jimmy Fund events are for…

“I don’t think that even with his good stuff I could handle the walks,” Valentine said. “Now I don’t know if [it’s the] spring…and trying to impress. That’s why I looked for the changeup. If there was a pitch he wasn’t comfortable with and that was causing some of these negative counts, I would have been able to use that as an excuse.”

Of course, look at our options… Doubront… MILLER…

Sigh. With the current troupe of players, Bard might be the default…

I have said all along I trust Aceves’ experience over Bard’s mound moping… I like Bard. I do. I like him in the bull pen. And, for once, I am not alone in the universe

Speaking of things to get dizzy about- the Red Sox, at $1 billion (which will buy you a lot of yachts, eh, John Henry?), is the THIRD most valuable team, behind Stanks ($1.85 billion) and Dodgers )$1.5 billion). I’m telling you, it’s all those damn trucker hats the Stanks sell.

The Sox were FOURTH highest in TV rankings… But see, no one actually had to watch us last year, with the media’s careful attention to September highlights…

Fun facts to know and tell-

Revenue $310 million
Operating Income: $25.4 million
Debt/Value: 24%
Player Expenses: $191 million
Gate Receipts: $180 million
Revenue per Fan: $69

Do you think they’ll  refund us our $69 from last year? I sure could use that money. I’d buy eggs.

Have you tweeted me yet? You should.

Speaking of Twitter, apparently, Red Sox Nation was baffled by an Aviles impersonator on Twitter…

PS- They’re trying to make me forget about Jason Varitek again, you guys. I feel as though we should all buy matching NEVER FOREGET bracelets. Who’s with me?

L

Of COURSE you did cocaine, “Oil Can.” Of COURSE you did.

February 9, 2012 2 comments

Cocaine. OF COURSE YOU DID, “Oil Can” Boyd. And yes, thanks, America- for making this relevant JUST as the beer stains and chicken grease were starting to fade. And THANK YOU, “Oil Can” Boyd, for your sudden AND SUPER RELEVANT, BY THE WAY, admission. Why the FRICK would you start word vomiting? Oh. OF COURSE. So blow, hmm? You sure?

“Oh yeah, at every ballpark,’’ he said. “There wasn’t one ballpark that I probably didn’t stay up all night, until four or five in the morning, and the same thing is still in your system. It’s not like you have time to go do it while in the game, which I had done that.

“Some of the best games I’ve ever, ever pitched in the major leagues I stayed up all night; I’d say two-thirds of them,’’ said Boyd. “If I had went to bed, I would have won 150 ballgames in the time span that I played. I feel like my career was cut short for a lot of reasons, but I wasn’t doing anything that hundreds of ballplayers weren’t doing at the time; because that’s how I learned it.

“It was something that I had to deal with personally and I succumbed. I lived through my life and I feel good about myself. I have no regrets about what I did or said about anything that I said or did. I’m a stand-up person and I came from a quality background of people.’’

Oh. Okay. So you were loaded. Awesome. Here’s my favorite part. Where he says he was ousted because of his color and not his nose candy.

“The reason I caught the deep end to it is because I’m black. The bottom line is the game carries a lot of bigotry, and that was an easy way for them to do it,’’ Boyd said.

REALLY?

Who are you anyway?

Wikipedia says you stopped playing because of blood clots in your arm. ARE YOU ACCUSING WIKIPEDIA OF LYING?

Seriously? That’s your REAL picture? And we didn’t know you were on blow?

See, I’ve heard of you, Boyd. But, since you stopped playing for the Sox about the time I turned five-years-old, I find you irrelevant and you give me this guy-under-a-bridge-vibe. I think it’s the facial hair. Could be the hat.

Is there a particular reason you are publishing this tell-all book, BOYD? Other than blow money?

This stuff really irritates me.

In feign-your-shock news, Roy Oswalt and Boston are still pretending to talk.

The Boston Red Sox have been talking to Roy Oswalt off and on this winter, but it doesn’t appear that a deal will be made.

Roy Oswalt, I’m going to try to say this WITHOUT rolling my eyes. WHATEVER.

Seriously. You’ve burned the Tigers. The Reds don’t give a frick. The Cards can’t put out. And you’re just standing there, shivering, naked without a team. Game plan, Roy. Whatcha going to do?

If you don’t decide soon, we have a Green Monstah outfit that looks about your size…

Seriously. Play for us. Don’t play for us. Dance a Papeljig off a dock into a shark sea. I don’t give a frick. Just please, please, please stop distracting my news alerts with your repetitive crap.

And ALWAYS wear a hat. Your head looks ridiculous.

~L

PS- Seriously! Someone did cocaine in the 80s????? Send out a full press alert.

Sox sign teenager. Benny C will do ANYTHING to keep beer out of the clubhouse.

February 8, 2012 9 comments

What a ridiculous news day.

In a move that has this song in my head all day-

-Ben Cherington adopted a child for us. His name is Daniel McGrath and he’s 17. And now the Red Sox are his daddy.

DANIEL McGrath is 17. Yesterday he earned a $400,000 sign-on bonus after agreeing to a seven-year contract with the Boston Red Sox. Yes, the Boston Red Sox.

”It’s always been a dream of mine to play major leagues for the Boston Red Sox,” said Daniel, who used to watch games at the famed Fenway Park with his American-born mother, Dale.

”It’s a seven-year contract and hopefully I’ll be in the big league in that time. It’s just the start of the journey and I’m going to have to work really hard to make it,” he said.

Daniel McGrath. Hmmm. It’s the 5th highest $$$ signing out of the 435 Aussies signed to play. Don’t worry. He’ll “complete year 12″ before Soxing it to spring training next year. And, hey, maybe the beer store will start carding. So, there’s that.

Maybe that’s Benny’s plan. Import people who CAN’T buy beer for the clubhouse.

It doesn’t say how he got his super powers… but I think we all know where that 150 km/hr fastball pitch REALLY came from.

Do you think he’ll introduce us to Gary Busey?

In other news, Trot Nixon is heading this Hall of Fame class… but the REAL news is that he went to New Hanover High School in Wilmington. Did YOU know that? I’ve been there like, a bazillion times. It’s the high school that every movie/tv show uses when they film in North Carolina- a high school I became acquainted with during my actor days. And, apparently, Trot Nixon could have been in the same town. You’d think that someone would have told me.

Oh! Oh! Oh! But there’s more news!

Giving us yet another reason to roll our eyes at New York, Mayor Bloomberg called Boston “Loserville.” Really. Mr. Bloomberg, do you know what comeuppins are? Because they’re comeuppining in April. Loserville? Really? Tim Thomas? Are you going to stand for that? I’ll be checking Facebok later for your statement.

I will remember this, Mr. Bloomberg, and I will rub your snotty little New York nose in it on behalf of all New England (just don’t cry again, Tom Brady) in April. Seriously, footballians, stop crying. How many rings does New England have? Honestly. You’d think you were Michelle Kwan. And a silver medal isn’t THAT bad.

And stop. STOP. Pulling baseball fans into your web of depression with whiny reminders like:

If only Wes Welker caught the ball. If he had, the city of Boston would still be sweeping up the confetti and Tom Brady would be resting comfortably in the pantheon of football greats. We’d still think Giselle Bundchen was charming and we’d be practicing dance moves to imitate Rob Gronkowski’s postgame partying. Eric Wilbur would be living a peaceful life.

Sound familiar? Sure does. In fact, it sounds a lot like last September.

SHUT. UP. Seriously, New England. You WON the Sandwich Monday Contest. Who NEEDS the Super Bowl?

Arbitration has been scheduled for Papi. Here’s to hoping it’s quick and painless!

I’m not the only one, btw, who rolled my eyes at Dan Shaughnessy yesterday. Our friends at Fenway West also voiced their whatevers at ya, Dan.

Speaking of rolling our eyes, the Roy Oswalt drama continues. And my eyes? They’re still rolling. You’d think they’d get tired.

So, kiddies, what do you think? Teenagers. Papi. Roy Oswalt. I’d like to hear your thoughts of the whole mess that is the Red Sox offseason.

~L

Oswalt, no one cares about you. It’s my birthday.

February 7, 2012 6 comments

Roy Oswalt and the Sox have no “traction.” That’s what’s being reported today. Again. I care about this… oh… as much as I did LAST week when a similar report surfaced. Oh. And the week before. And the week before. And… tell me, was this Oswalt crap going on THE WEEK BEFORE THAT?

You know what’s more interesting than ANYTHING you have to say, Roy Oswalt? This morning’s Bleacher Report on the five players under the most pressure.

Got me thinking. The five- the Beckster, A-Gonz, Carl Crawfail, Papi and Bardlebutt. And, since I’m a Sox fan, a cynic and in an irritated mood today, obviously, my thought is the following question:

WHICH ONE OF THE FIVE WILL CAVE FIRST? My guess is Daniel Bard.

What do you think?

And what do you think our most controversial offseason move has been thus far? I’m going to go with Marco Scutaro…

—-

In other news, the Patsies are still sobbing Giant tears. So, this morning, Shaughnessy tries to make us feel better by telling us the Red Sox failures are worse. Gee, thanks, Danny.

Speaking of the Patsies, I know I haven’t done an ASK TOO SOXY in awhile, but I got a super cute e-mail yesterday. Ahem:

Dear Lauren,

I can’t believe you John Denvered (Hah. I did that, didn’t I? Oh, the cleverness of me… I like that. I hope that catches on. John Denvered! Oh, classic) the Super Bowl. Do you know that most of your readers are Patriots fans? (I have readers?!) And you get really off topic. Reading your blog is ALREADY annoying (So is your face). Maybe you shouldn’t alienate the fan base you have left. If the Sox had lost to the Giants (um) you’d have a sappy, dramatic One Tree Hill song for us (you do read me! you do!), not John Denver. Maybe you owe your readers an apology.

Cash

Brian Cashman, are you an inner New England fan?! I never knew! See, the usual me would mock you for your mixed sports similes and ponder at why you, a good speller, has so much fricking free time. I’d thank you over and over again for your clearly obsessive fanship of my blog and probably send you a commemorative silver star in my mind. But you’re right. The new me should be more sensitive. Should humor you. After all. I am 28-years-old today. Much more mature than yesterday’s 27. So. No John Denver. Here you go. This is me humoring you. And your humiliating, humiliating, excruciating Brady (that’s my new word for LOSS. It’s a verb AND a noun) yesterday. I mean, I did expect you guys to Brady to the Giants. But maybe I should have been more sensitive when you Bradyed. So. It’s just one Brady, after all. I mean, it’s a pretty super Brady. And Madonna was watching. But really, she slept with A-Rod. Her credibility is shot. But I loved her outfit. Did you love her outfit? Life is a mystery… Sing it, blondie. Sing it. Right. Back to you. And your team’s humiliating, nationally televised Brady. Let’s all sway to Joseph Arthur. Who was NOT in an episode of One Tree Hill.

Here. Stare at this while that song is playing for the full effect, k?

So, Soxies, happy my birthday to you. I hope it’s filled with sunshine and wins. You know. And not Bradys.

~L

How ya doin’ this morning, Tom Brady?

February 6, 2012 5 comments

I’d like to dedicate this song to Mr. Tom Brady.

I’d continue to harass you about your devastating loss to New York last night, Tom, but if TMZ is correct, you have enough problems this morning, don’t you, tough guy?

Click here, Pats fans. This will make it all better.

Congrats to PAUL for winning the TooSoxy Super Bowl contest and rightfully predicting the Brady smackdown.

While it was fun to watch the close up of sad eyes through the helmet (TB, I’m talking to YOU!)… I couldn’t actually sit through the Eli Manning dance…

Anywho, back to the GOOD part of New England- the RED SOX.

Yay, Red Sox.

—-

Reports come out today that Jason Varitek is still “deliberating.”

“He’s deliberating what he wants to do,’’ said his agent, Scott Boras.

And that deliberation has to include the very difficult reality of possible retirement.

Varitek will be 40 years old on April 11. In his heart, he believes he can still play. His body feels as good as it has in a long time. So why quit now?

That probably is his mind-set, but the reality is that there is no room on the Red Sox roster for him.

Whatever, Nick Cafardo!

But seriously, what Scott Boras SHOULD be doing? Sorting out a way for the Cap to coach. Or buying balloons for the retirement party. Please don’t send Tek to Minnesota.

Tek shouldn’t have to fight for a roster spot. I really hope that’s not the route this takes…

—-

Speaking of our classics, David Ortiz is saying he really wants to avoid arbitration. Really, Papi? Because there’s a really easy way to avoid arbitration. Don’t arbitrate!

—-

And Roy Oswalt drama is STILL going on? Seriously?

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A sad analysis that Josh Beckett 2011 will return in 2012.

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And apparently we could trade for Jason Bartlett, who, as the Bleacher Report points out today, would be a terrible, terrible idea.

Bartlett managed a batting line of .245/.308/.307/.615 in 2011.  His worst full season in his career.  If that isn’t bad enough, he broke his own record by beating his previous worst career season, which came in 2010.  His batting line then was .254/.324/.350/.675.

Hey, you know who WAS NOT having a record bad season? Marco Scutaro. Let’s see if he’s available to shortstop.

—-

In unadulterated wallowing fashion, Over The Monster has released its collection of the worst baseball moments of 2011.

The Red Sox were going to win the World Series. At least that was the prediction before the season started. After all, they signed Adrian Gonzalez. And Carl Crawford. And the pitching rotation was healthy. All signs pointed to destruction and devastation of any team that could potentially stand in their way.

Oh, how wrong that prediction felt in April.

This is too depressing to keep quoting.

Yuck.

I made my own list, if you’ll recall, last year. Here it is, if you didn’t get a chance to marvel.

On that note, have a happy Monday! I’ll be 28 tomorrow. Do you think I’ll feel like an adult?

~L

PS- If you like politics, you will giggle at the comparison between the Curse of the Bambino and Mitt Romney, made by Matthew Dowd at the National Journal:

The legendary Curse of the Bambino fell upon the Boston Red Sox when they sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees in the 1919-1920 season. The Red Sox went nearly a century after that without winning another World Series. The curse was lifted in 2004. But could it then have moved on to haunt another team? A political team?

So THAT’S why Roy’s not signing in Texas…

February 3, 2012 3 comments

Today’s apartment search was a lot like reality television. Except uninsured. And I’m going to tell you about it in a minute. But to keep things relevant, I will show you the Onion’s rendition of the Roy Oswalt eye-roll marathon:

DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was “flattered and impressed” by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abundant, diverse, and thriving gay nightlife in Dallas.

“I know it’s traditional to tell a guy exactly how great the team is, and what a great city it is, and stuff like that,” said Oswalt, who returned to his home in Houston Thursday night after what he called a “stressful whirlwind tour” of the Rangers facilities and the city of Dallas proper. “And they did that, showed me around, but kept saying how Dallas had all kinds of people, and how they were pretty accepting, and no one was going to judge me, especially because I’d be a star there. I wasn’t really sure what the big idea was at first.”

Now back to me. What a bad day. It was like September, swirled inside four hours. With six hours of driving.

Seriously. While waiting on a property manager (who was twenty minutes late), I was approached by a guy in pajama pants (he says they’re $6) and a superman hat who said he was from Sudan… like Saddam Hussein, he said (um…). He opened the conversation by telling me how HIV free he was. And he should know, he said, he got tested at Duke University (I bet you did…). He tells me the apartments here are too expensive. But that he walks through the parking lot every day. Would I like a roommate?

Yep. And the second person I found said she was robbed at gunpoint… “but other than that, I love it here. You won’t get this much space for this little rent.”

And that place? 4 out of 5 safety stars.

Raleigh kicked my ass today.

The third apartment I looked at? Lady took my driver’s license. It’s something you have to do to show apartments. Except you’re supposed to give it back. She forgot she had it. Told me she had given it back to me. And that’s the story of how I have no driver’s license now. Was an extra-paranoid drive back to Boone today. Should get used to it since I won’t be able to get another driver’s license until I have proof of residency, address, etc in Raleigh.

I found a place. I did. But I keep second guessing. And third guessing. Why did I want to move again? I did confirm my membership in the Triangle Red Sox Nation meetup. That should cheer me up, right?

I got a fortune cookie today that said “The last choice is the best choice.”

Interesting because the apartment I chose WAS the last choice.

The Red Sox better hope my fortune cookie speaks the truth. Because at the rate we’re going, well… the last choice? It’s going to be the ONLY choice.

~L

PS- SHUT UP, CURT.

And GO HOME, Manny Ramirez. Please pick the A’s. I don’t want you in my ALE.

Oh! And if you haven’t entered my super bowl pool yet- you should.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: ,

A Soxy Super Bowl contest! And you get to roll your eyes at Roy Oswalt! What a blog- what a blog!

February 3, 2012 9 comments

Today, I will be in Raleigh looking at apartments. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, I will be the proud, yet naive renter of TWO dwellings.

I am such a sell out. I bet this is how Jonathan Papelbon feels. Except with less hair mousse. And a better house…

Speaking of decisions, Roy Oswalt still hasn’t made one. He is, however, letting other clubs in the “I’m just stringing you along” society. Welcome, Rangers. I saved you a seat. And the internet still cares, see. I think it’s because the 37,000 people that read this blog are not spreading my message adequately. Get on that, k?

A new report came out that says we almost got Curtis Grandersnot. You know what that is? Less interesting than my apartment search.

So. I’m trying to be footbally. It’s a thing. I’m trying to feign adequate interest in Sunday. You guys know how I feel about the Pats, right? Miami girl, and all that. So I’m kind of just cheering AGAINST you guys. Which works out, because my super bowl date is a Giants fan.

So, in a good faith effort to care (and inspired by Jere- whoa. That rhymes!) I’m going to start a Super Bowl pool too. Guess the score in the comments. Whoever is the closest to the Sunday total, will win an amazing Paint creation by yours truly. It’s amazing. And you can print it out and put it on your fridge. Get crackin’.

~L

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