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A Youktastic Wednesday. But Youktastic means something different, see…

December 12, 2012 4 comments

I don’t even want to go to work, you guys.

I think my coworkers are jackassy enough to make me a sympathy card.

Youktastic- The new word for ultimate, shoddy, heartbreaking betrayal with a side of suck that can best be expressed by the cult classic, Bloodhound Gang.

I didn’t mean that. That was harsh.

Yeah. I think I meant both of those.

I’m going to go eat ice cream for breakfast.

L

PS- signs your boyfriend is starting to get it:

“Well, at least you got to see him one more time before he, you know.”

Me- “Died?”

“Yeah.”

Canada, I’m sorry, but we have to take out our Verla-shame on you.

April 9, 2012 121 comments

LIVE BLOG: I’m not just blogging for the Red Sox tonight. I’m blogging for America. So don your American flags and your apple pie (ala mode if it’s heated, now) and join me for tonight’s match up against the evil north.

That’s right- John Farrell’s bringing out the birds.

The blogging will start (and probably more than a few fricks) at 7ish. Expect cursing. Expect beer. And expect videos with carefully constructed sharpie marker illustrations. They are dazzling, I tell you. DAZZLING.

See you at SEVEN? YES???????

Put your game face on. I MEAN it. That does NOT look like your game face!!!!! Canada rolls its eyes at you.

Let’s hope Doubront… um… does something.

No. Not that. A GOOD something.

SEE YOU AT SEVEN.

Dinner. Check.

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6:38. An American meal. Of Apple PIE.

6:46. Nervous yet?

6:54. One irritating face has been absent for opening week… JOHNNY DAMON! In fun, pre-game giggle news, Johnny Damon STILL hasn’t signed onto a team- a reality that has Scott Boras baffled. There’s Cleveland talk and the likely possibility that he’ll be teamed by May…

But hilariously out of touch people… you know, the ones who didn’t hear him cry last year at Turf-gate, or whimper at the scary mean Boston fans (lower lip trembling, poor ‘ittle guy), are calling this a MYSTERY. Nick Cafardo just can’t figure out why no one will sign him.

Allow me to Nancy Drew it for you.

1. He is old. 2. He is annoying. 3. His ego won’t fit in your ball park. 4. He is old. 5. the ‘tude. And 6. He is old.

Feel free to sleuth it out in the comments.

6:58. Wish the game would starttttttttttttttttt. I am ready to winnnnnnnnn.

YAY.

7:01. The intro music, though for Toronto, is eerily appropriate… “..forgiven my mistakes…”

Hope so, kiddies. Hope so.

There is a lot of music in Canada. This intro is quite dramatic.

“He is THE MOST FEARED HITTER IN BASEBALL.”

Really? Jose Bautista? Really?

I mean. Um.

Okay.

Oh. Now he’s getting his silver slugger award.

Were his ears always that big?

Oh no. They’re passing out those annoying towels. I hate those things.

This game is going to annoy me.

7:05. Remembering athletes who died. This is depressing. Oh no. The family is crying. Oh no. Why are you doing this to me, baseball? Don’t you know apple pie ALREADY makes me emotional? And the Blue Jays are making a $10k donation in the vics’ names. Wow. That’s nice. I’m sorry in advance for the pain our victory will cause you, Canada. You seemed like a really nice country just now.

Now they are defining the word anticipation. A little unnecessary for those of us who have dictionaries. Don’t you think? And there’s this weird intro where they are stitching a blue jay onto a hat. Weeeeeiiirrrdddddd.

I’m just ready to watch some baseball. Can we, um, do that now, please? Thanks. Now we are watching baseball players run? Or are they dancing? It’s hard to tell, actually. Santos just used the word “swagger.” Josh Morrow says he wants the whole country to watch him. Um. Okay. Seriously, kids. I am going to go get food. And maybe play three games of monopoly on my iPhone. I bet I have time. LONGEST INTRO EVER. “We can do all the talking we want but…” Apparently.

7:10. They booed us. I think they think they’re going to hurt our feelings. They REALLY booed Jacoby. Clearly, they haven’t been watching. Hi, Pedroia. A-Gonz slow jogs to the lineup. Yep. Is it just me, or was there more clapping at Youk’s name? Oh. That WAS me. Hi, Papi. Hi, Cody Ross. Hi, new boyfriend Ryan Sweeney. Hello, Jarrod Saltalamacchia. And. Um. Mike Aviles… And Felix Doubront. They didn’t even boo you, Felix Doubront. Poor Felix. Not even netting a boo.

While the Blue Jays are stepping out Kennel Club Dog Show style, I really am going to grab food.

7:15. They’re still at it. Hi, John Farrell! I miss you!

Do you think he misses us? I bet he does. Who wouldn’t? Haha. There is like one, lone guy booing the crap out of Bautista.

7:20. Some of the Jays were cutting up during the National Anthem. Kudos to camera man for THAT closeup.

Hi, Michael!!!! It’s going to be okay. Because they are going to win tonight.

Is it just me, or did Dr. Ron Taylor REALLY not care about that first pitch. He just sort of tossed it. I don’t think his expression changed. Um. At all. Remember last year when Pedro threw out that pitch? Sniff. I’m okay.

Maybe the game will start soon!

This intro is longer than the Titanic.

—-

7:30. Maybe there is no game. Maybe this is just an excuse to arm Canadians with hand towels.

Oh! Oh! Oh! There are people on the field! And Jacoby’s icon just went up! That’s something! Does it… Can it… FIRST PITCH! It’s a miracle. Oh. It’s a warm up. But it involves a baseball.

The announcers are on mute or something. By this point, I fully expect MLB.tv screwups. I’m just glad it’s not checkerboarding this year. I do like the Toronto ballpark…

And I do like you, Jacoby. Hi.

I didn’t like that. Grounds out at first. Blatantly. And the fans whip out those towels…

Pedroia is at bat. He’s three and thirteen, as the announcer kindly tells us.

In case you’re keeping count at home, Toronto announcers have mentioned that the sox are now 0 and 3. THREE times.

Alvarez just tried to kill Pedroia, but missed. I heard Alvarez is like seven years old or something. Remember when we put out our seven year old, aka: Kyle Weilland?

“Pedroia never gets cheated. He swings hard. Might be one of the best high ball hitters in baseball.” ~Announcer says. Right before he grounds OUT to first. Two outs.

We’re having difficulty pronouncing Adrian Gonzalez in the announcer booth. Gonzalez struck out twice, apparently, at his last Alvarez encounter… good. To. Know. I like it when the announcers are helpful. Gonz slugged 815 against the Jays last year, including 8 homeruns. THANK YOU. I like these announcers. I do. Full Count… It’s okay, though, because Kevin Youkilis is on deck. Not that it matters, because Gonz has struck out. Damn, those towels are annoying.

Hi, FDA. I am glad you are back. I KNOW you are annoyed by those towels. I find them more annoying than our scoreless first, actually. John Farrell knows that, I bet. Because he knows me. I bet he KNEW that the way to incur my wrath was to pass out those towels.

7:40. Bob McClure, our new pitching coach, is, apparently, impressed by Felix Doubront. Okay, then. Let’s see. You are not the only one being judged, Doubront. So is your puppet master. First pitch looked good to me. He has a strange clean cut bubble gum chew thing going on. The announcers cut out again. Fix that, MLB. I am determined to be optimistic about you, Doubront.

Ohno. Now they’re talking about Tek. It’s okay. I won’t cry. Now they’re talking about how Tek taught Salty how to catch. Nice breaking ball. Very dramatic. As long as it’s a strike, Doubront. Doubront reminds me of someone and I can’t place it. He has that jackassy indifference thing that is great when he’s striking them out but will be annoying when he makes horrible mistakes. Full count. This at-bat is taking a long time. Do you think Felix shaves his face like that, or is that just how the hair grows? Ellsbury makes a nice catch to save you from my wrath, Felix. One out.

7:45. I think towels are for swimmers, but that’s just me. Bautista is on deck. I don’t think the guy batting is important. he keeps kicking his knee up like a “fierce” chick on America’s Next Top  Model. Doubront definitely LOOKS like he’s keeping his cool. I miss Pedro. Okay, Doubront. These balls are getting irritating. I mean, 15 pitches for two batters?

OKAY, Felix. A walk? A WALK?

Not cool, Felix. Not cool. Oh good. Jose Bautista is batting. Not exactly the time you want to have a guy at first. On the ground…. And double play. Okay. Very cool. I get it. That was totttttally on purpose to move the game along, right? You almost had me going there, Felix. Into inning 2!

Silly FDA. You know I never move on (PEDRO!).

7:50. Kevin Youkilis grounds out but it shouldn’t count because the announcers weren’t paying attention…

David Ortiz will fix this. Alvarez looks a little shaky. I would too. I don’t care who you are, Papi is fricking scary. Unless you are a kid wanting an autograph. Then he’s a big teddy bear. Oh! Oh! Oh! The Papi clap!

A single! A single! David Ortiz, ladies and gents. I love him so.

Hi, Cody Ross. I want to like you. You’re just so happy. Um. That is NOT your happy face. Um… Wow. What a grimace. Cody… is that really you? Yikes. That’s the foulest face I’ve seen on a sox since Padilla…

Um. Double play. Um.

Well.

So. Um. Felix Doubront?

7:55 Hi, Paul!

I think we should have a contest to see who can do the Cody Ross grimace the best.

I don’t know where Jeb is. Probably pillaging.

We have now mentioned the 0 and 3 record in the announcer booth FIVE times.

Come on, Doubront! I believe in you. So does Paul. And FDA. WE believe in you. And that’s all you need, really. Someone to believe in you. Ask Tinkerbell. The cartoon version. Not the lame Julia Roberts version. You don’t have to ask lame Julia Roberts ANYTHING. You could move this game along, though.

NICE catch by my new boyfriend, Ryan Sweeney, for the out.

8 p.m. This is a very long game. Hi, Adam Lind. HURRY BACK, FDA. Tea is much less important than sweet, sweet victory.

TWO OUTS. Brett Lawrie is at bat. I secretly like him a little. Like, not enough to cheer for him. But enough to smile at his pretty face. Okay. That’s over. DESTROY, DOUBRONT. DESTROY.

Well, damn. Single. You were captivated by your crush too, weren’t you, Doubront? It’s not your fault, really. You are forgiven this once. But just this once. Steeeeeerike. Hi, Rajai Davis. You look very young. In the face. Hi, Brett Lawrie. With your juxtaposed clean cut-ness and your nifty tattoos. Stay on first, please.

Focus, Doubront. We have much to do, you and I. We can not be distracted by idle things. If you want to be my favorite pitcher (and this year you have a shot), you better stay FOCUSED and stop hitting on Brett Lawrie. Seriously. You and Brett can get a room after the game if you want. Do you think Brett Lawrie will read this blog?  Salty and Gonz try to catch a foul ball. This is neat, see, because Gonz actually RAN. Total miss. But Gonz actually HUSTLED. No one in the dugout helped. And the announcer commented on that. Ellsbury catches for the third out.

It is never cold in Raleigh, FDA. It’s probably like 111 degrees or something great like that. I love not living on a mountain…

8:08. Top of the third. My new boyfriend is batting. I hope you heard that, Kevin Youkilis. You are still my husband (I can’t quit you), but your recent tryst with a Ms. Brady, coupled by your lack of hitting, has you on thin ice with me, sir. That’s where Ryan Sweeney comes in. Oh. A ground out at first. It’s okay, Ryan Sweeney. You at least look sorry. Apologizing gets you mad points. Hi, Brett Lawrie. Was he looking at me just then?

Hi, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and your switch hitting. The announcer just called you “intriguing.” Yuck. Caught. It’s okay, Salty. Rasmus is such a weird kid. That was a neat catch. I guess.

Mike Aviles. Um. Okay. Maybe he’ll do something really great. Maybe Aviles will be like… a diamond in the rough. Like Aladdin. It could happen. Um. Okay. Clean slate, Aviles. I will seriously forget our history and praise you anew if you can just get on a flipping base. Oh. Swing and a miss. Oh. That was a painful strike too. Oh.

So. Um. Bottom of the third…

8:19. Well. That sucked. A triple. Um. Doubront? You in there?

Crap. Do you think Beckett chickened him? One out. Guy at third. Bah. Bobby V close up. He’s doing this sway thing. He knows. He knows this sucks. And he knows it’s his fault. Bah. Oh no. He’s smiling. Bobby V? Smiling? Really? “Directing the traffic on the infield?” Is it too late for Tito to come back? Do you think he likes his new gig? And John Farrell is watching. This is embarrassing.

And a WALK. Good. So. Um. Two on base now. One out. Good.

Oh. Good. With a dramatic slide, Rasmus scores. Oh.

Doubront has, at least, dropped the jackassy statue stare.

Bobby V has now decided to step outside of the dugout. I think I am just now grasping how irritating Bobby V is to watch.

Tito used to acknowledge suckiness. Remember? But Tito is gone. So really, really this is Larry Lucchino’s fault…

8:25. You’re right, Ellie. We shouldn’t dwell on whose fault it is. My dog is so smart. We should dwell on how we can FIX this problem. Edwin Encarnacion is at bat. Two outs. Can he be the third out? Thanks. It is 1-0. Still. One score is not the end of the world. Please do not be psyched out, Doubront. It’s really not a——

REALLY???? 2-0. This game is crap.

WHO PUT YOU IN THE STARTING LINEUP AGAIN? Oh. That’s right. Bobby V.

No. It’s April. It’s APRIL.

Bah.

We’re okay. It’s just one inning. Just two runs.

“John Farrell has already shown us he is thinking about matchups, thinking about…”

Bah. Pay attention to what the announcer is saying, Bobby V. We can ALL learn from our mistakes. Does it count as a mistake when you just don’t do anything?  Because that’s what is taxing about you, Bobby V. You just don’t do anything.

I know, I know, but Lauren! You don’t manage a team!

I do manage, actually. I manage TETRIS. And, when I’m playing TETRIS, and my L-shaped piece comes out upside down, I adjust.

Well, Bobby V, Doubront is UPSIDE DOWN. Hit the fricking space bar, already!!!!!!

Three outs. Fah-fricking-finally.

That’s dangerous, Paul. I mean, it IS only two runs. You don’t want to KNOW how Kyle would fudge that up…

8:32. I texted Jeb and said “FDA is asking about you.” I just got a response. “My girlfriend?”

Oh. It’s Friday, isn’t it? Yikes. I think the boy will be here Friday. Um. I don’t know if we’re at the “he-can-see-my-sox-side-stage” yet…

Two outs that are eye-roll worthy. Gonz is at the bat. He is more fun to watch now that there is a possibility of him actually running.

Dramatic pronouncements? Me? NEVER.

“Off to a rough start so far this  year.”

SHUT UP, announcers. I never liked you.

Hi, Kevin Youkilis. Love. Light. Seriously. FDA, does he look skinnier? Look at his face. His jowls, as it were. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan… but I’d sacrifice hitting power over aesthetics ANY day. Seriously. He’s so pretty today. WHY CAN’T HE HIT????

I do appreciate that the announcer just called Kevin one of the best in baseball. Okay, announcers. I guess we are okay. Oh. A look at Josh Beckett in the dugout. I am sure he is LOVING this game. I am so mad at you, Josh. So mad.

But this is not the time for anger. This is the time for Youkilis. Who I will love. No matter what. She said…

 Jeb and FDA, your love story is going to be so epic that it will become an internet meme and make me famous. I will be invited on the Ellen show and we will dance.

Can you name your first kid Kevin?

FDA! Kevin is my HUSBAND. Get it right.

Hi, Brett Lawrie. Keep your cool, Felix. I know it’s hard staring in the face of Lawrie. He is quite attractive. But if you could just hold on, all the rest of the Blue Jay players are ugly…

One out! Good job. It’s okay, Brett Lawrie. A trip to Raleigh would be worth the hassle…

That was the lamest not-bunt I have ever seen, Davis.

Oh good. Another Beckett closeup. By the way, we have talked about the 0 and 3 record 11 times now.

They just said Beckett got “torched.” Yep. But that was days ago. Literally days.

Doubront knocks another one out.

See? He’s not so bad. I mean… two runs? Wouldn’t be so horrid if… you know… we could hit something…

I am okay with you, Doubront. Right now. At this moment.

Arencibia is at bat and I think I ate too much pie.

Andy Pettitte is pitching in Florida tonight. Has anyone seen how that’s been going? I kind of hope it goes well so we can destroy him later this season.

Dice-K is throwing in Florida too!

And… of course. As always happens, when I praise a pitcher, he WALKS someone.

Really, Felix??? REALLY? Oh. And it’s Rasmus. He looks like he lives under a bridge. A bridge near a river. With frogs or something.

And not a nice bridge. Or a nice river. Like, a crappy bridge. And a crappy river.

He is NOT Uselesssss. I will not have you talk that way, FDA. I will not. I would NEVER talk smack about Derek Lowe.

Rasmus… He looks confused. He didn’t earlier when he got that fricking triple, so don’t fall for it, Doubront. I think he just naturally looks stupefied.

Yeah. I guess it would be silly if we gave our kids the same name, FDA.

Oh no. They just asked Ortiz about chickengate. Because we haven’t heard that enough.

Ortiz:

“Yeah, there were some guys having it (chicken) during the game yes but those guys, they wasn’t even in the  game. I’m not saying that what they were doing was the right thing to do, but what I am saying is it wasn’t affecting us on the field.”

He says he doesn’t eat fried chicken re cholesterol- and has lost 20 lbs… Oh. And he’s out. I think the announcers are in love with papi. They keep talking about how good he looks. It’s weird.

Cody Ross, scowling away again.

Base hit down the middle! Now maybe he has something to smile about. Cody, you have such a nice smile. USE IT.

Ryan Sweeney. Hello, boyfriend.

Hi, Steven. You should NEVER go to class when there’s a sox game.

A double! Back to back hits. Love this.

See what happens when you start watching, Steven? Never leave us for class again.

Two outs. Okay. It is fine. Okay.

I still love you, Salty.

Crap. I take back my love for all of you except Ross, Sweeney and Ortiz.

Bostonians also make good creme pie.

FDA, Kevin Youkilis is perfect too. Clearly there is an epic wind in Toronto.

Steven, I have thought about this (For like ten minutes) and I think Aviles is a double agent.

Escoblablah is batting. Doubront is going to take him out. Doubront will take them ALL out. You’ll see. It’s the top of the fifth and I STILL have faith in you, Felix. So does FDA. And Jeb. And Steven. And Paul. And the bazillion trollers my stats indicate I have. We ALL have faith in you. Quick! Somebody flap their arms like that Gordon Levitt kid in Angels in the outfield!

Christopher Lloyd IS watching you. Christopher Lloyd is watching us all.

OUT. See? I told you it would work. I am often right.

Oh.

A single.

Oh.

It’s okay. It’s just a single. It’s okay. I mean, it kind of looks like we could have nabbed that. Oh, Doubront just swiped the dirt in dismay. See, I like that. That’s acknowledgment. Pay attention, Beckett. It would make me glare at you less. Oh, Bautista. I can tell, because the annoying towels are back. A rip strike. It looks painful. Maybe he will be in pain. I didn’t mean that…

One out, fifth inning. It is 9:09. I want a salad. I have nothing in my fridge but an empty pie tin.

You know, the blue jay with the maple leaf? It kind of looks like a horrible wound on the bird’s head. Look at that.

Jose is not nearly as much fun to watch as Brett Lawrie.

That looked like a strike to me. Marlon Hudson is making some fudgy calls, if you ask me.

Youkilis catches and kills Bautista. Yay.

I love, by the way, how Salty talked Doubront off the metaphorical ledge just then. That was very Tekky. Sigh. I miss Tek. I’m okay.

I’m expecting my “never forget” bracelet any day now.

Focus, Doubront. It would be nice if you would just retire this guy so we won’t have to look at the blue jays for awhile.

FOCUS. Yes. That is called Focus. Encarnacionicusocus just had a killer strike. Ew. He is a spitter. Ew.

Don’t you know you are on television, Encarnaciocockus? Your mother is watching and she does not want to see you spit. STRIKE THREE. Out. And the inning is ova….

9:16. Those braves are so sweet, thinking of us like that, FDA. We should play hopscotch with them or braid their hair or something.

I miss Jason Bay. His alien face always made me smile.

I like Felix too. I just wish I could like our hitters…

All we have to do is hit THREE TIMES.

That’s it, really. No pressure, JACOBY, but you have done nothing for me. And Alvarez catches your bounce. And you sit down.

NOTHING.

Seriously, kids, let’s analyze this Jacoby situation. Did we drain him last year when he was the only one playing? Is that what is going to happen to Papi now that HE is the only one playing?

Yikes.

Pedroia is at bat and the announcers clearly have a crush on him too. If Dustin and Papi stood next to eachother, I think these announcers would pass out.

Seriously. This is weird. They didn’t even talk up Bautista this much.

HOME RUN.

And THAT is why the world loves you. And these announcers, apparently. Wow, announcers. Really?

I mean… I love him too… but… aren’t you supposed to root for Canada? Pedroia, I am promoting you to PRESIDENT of the those-who-give-a-frick club. PRESIDENT. I wish you were here so I could hug you. Even though, Ellie’s about your size…

DAMNIT, Gonz. The slow jog is back.

You are OUT of the club.

Hi, Youkie. Maybe you SHOULD eat chicken. Maybe that 20lbs you lost is the reason you just popped out…

2-1. I mean, Dustin, you could have done that when people were on the bases. But thank you. Thank you for not making us look ridiculous in Canada. America thanks you. And the announcers want… well… you.

IT IS NOT KEVIN YOUKILIS’ FAULT! IT IS THE WIND!

We are in the 6th and Bobby V has put Atchison in. I am actually really excited about this. Not you, Scott, stop smiling inside. I am just excited that, FOR ONCE, you broke your pattern of leaving pitchers in forever until they break and melt into a pile of strikeless goo. Thanks.

Come on, Atchison. Prove that you are not a failure. And by you, I mean the ENTIRE BULLPEN.

Honestly, Doubront was KIND of okay. I mean, you did leave in Beckett FOREVER the other day. Your brain is interesting, Bobby V.

Two balls, two strikes. Oh. Three balls. Two strikes. Oh.

Martin Short is here! Martin Short is here!!!! Who cares about those other two “celebrities?” MARTIN SHORT!

Can he hit?

Okay. Um. We are interviewing people from “Canada’s Got Talent” and not watching the game… um. And not talking to Martin Short. Seriously. If you are going to ignore the game, ignore it for MARTIN SHORT. Not hair chick.

Oh. Martin Short is talking about “Canada’s Got Talent” too. Okay. You can stop talking now.

I don’t even watch “America’s Got Talent.”

Now they are talking about belching instead of watching baseball.

There was a third out. A THIRD OUT? I missed like, ALL of those outs because of a cheap interview promoting “Canada’s Got Talent” where Martin Short wasn’t asked to do ANY impressions or anything. I feel cheated.

Papelpoo is dead to me. DEAD TO ME.

Sigh. I miss the Papeljig.

No I don’t. Yes I do. No I don’t.

We should teach Ryan Sweeney to jig…

Do you think we could buy Brett Lawrie? Just wondering. No reason. No reason at all…

Darren Oliver could be your dad, Alvarez.

Ortiz is 3 for 13 against this guy. Come on, Papi. We need you to get on base. Or better, really. Because the A-Gonz’ slow jog is back. And because Kevin Youkilis is broken. And because we need justice and harmony in this world.

Cody Ross. Apparently, his single did NOT make him happy. I am concerned. I do NOT remember Cody being this stodgy. Do you guys? He was … fun. Would this happen to Brett Lawrie? Would we break him? Because I don’t want that to happen to you, Brett. Stay free… free like that lion on “Born Free.”

What WAS that strike, Cody? Was that an IMPRESSION of a baseball player? Because you certainly weren’t even close. It’s like you were playing charades and the answer is “Julio Lugo.”

Hi, Ryan Sweeney. One on base. So if you could just hit a home run (no pressure), we would be winning. Because it is 2-1. There is one out. So. Um. No pressure…

Seriously? REALLY? David Ortiz????? You don’t steal!!!!!!

THAT is why! You lost twenty pounds. You didn’t gain wheels!

So. Ortiz got caught stealing.

So. Um.

So much for my “all it takes is one hit” strategy, Ryan.

Papi, you need to sit down and THINK about what you just did.

Seriously. WHY?

9:40 p.m. Damn it. really? We can’t hit DARREN OLIVER?

I think Dustin is a good leadoff candidate. Because Jacoby is BROKEN.

SIGH.

It’s okay. It’s OKAY. We need TWO fricking runs. TWO fricking runs. We will find them. SOMEWHERE.

And the first batter is out. That was actually kind of nice. Thanks to PEDROIA. Guys, pay attention. There’s no reason you can’t ALL be Pedroias. We could have a giant team of Pedroia’s. Well, it wouldn’t be giant…

Ellsbury makes an easy catch for out number two.

Atchison is kind of looking like a badass. Thanks for refraining from the chicken.

Oh! They just said 0 and 3 again! That’s 17 times, I think. Oh! 18. 19. Oh! And again! 20.

Last year it was 0 and 6. They’ve said that at least seven times…

That’s for reminding us, announcers. Soooo helpful. I guess it’s either make fun of us or make out with Dustin Pedroia.

Escobaby gets a single. Youkie, that was NOT your fault. Gonz, see how Escoblob actually RUNS? If that had been you, it would have been out number three. You know it. I know it.

Yes. This game SCREAMS Taylor Swift song, FDA. Let me know your selection, and I will put up the video so we can all listen and bemoan our fates together.

Oh! An out!

I think we’re going to be okay, actually. I feel good. I feel good about this game. We just need TWO fricking runs, after all…

Maybe we don’t need Taylor. Yet.

Paul- Atchison for PRESIDENT! I think he can last longer than a closer. Let’s make him bullpen president.

Salty. Hi. It is 9:50. Could you get a home run, please? I am very sleepy.

Hahahaha. Oh, Lawrie. You are even sexy when you super-fail at catching. He really smacked into that camera. I hope it got a good shot of his bicep.

ACK! They just tried to assassinate Saltalamacchia! ACK!

That was so on purpose. I officially hate this guy.

It’s okay, Salty. THAT strike out was not your fault. It’s because he tried to KILL you.

Let’s kill him with our glares, shall we?

I am glad you are still alive, Salty.

Oh. Aviles.

Oh.

Mike Aviles. Out at first. Yep.

Fricktastic.

WHO is Taylor Swift? Oh, Paul. You should be so glad I am in your life. Click here. And here. You are welcome.

I like this inning. I do. TWO outs. Eighth inning. Okay. All we need is ONE run in the 9th to keep this going. Just ONE. And we’ll be safe… and sound… like… oh, I don’t know…

Three outs!

10 p.m. Okay. All eyes on the screen. NOW. This is serious. It is even MORE serious than Taylor Swift.

DUSTIN PEDROIA IS SERIOUS>

Double.

DOUBLE!

DOUBLE.

SEE?! See? Dare we dream? Dare we hope?

It hurts so much more when we get like this… hoping…

DUSTIN PEDROIA I HAVE NO WORDS SO I SHALL USE CAPITAL LETTERS AND-

Oh no. Adrian Gonzalez.

Okay, A-Gonz. You need to run. No. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. RUN. Run like Bobby Valentine is chasing you. Run like I AM CHASING YOU. In a go cart or something so that my speed is more intimidating. You have to do this. You HAVE to do this. For freedom. And mankind. And AMERICA. AND MY SELF ESTEEM.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Pedroia steals third. Oh! Oh! Oh!

I just fell off my bed.

Oh. Okay. Come on, Gonzalez. R-U-N.

But, you know, hit first.

Full count.

And that foul fricking me the fudge out. Frick.

Look what you did. You scared my puppy! She just left the room.

Fuddgggeeeeee

Another foul. And a commercial? A COMMERCIAL?

Yeah, that’s right. Bring it back. Ohholyfrickmotheroffrick…

PEDROIA SCORES!

PEDROIA SCORES!

Bobby V gives him an ass smack and says, “do it pedey!”

Suddenly, Bobby V doesn’t look so bad and I-

Holy frick-We are. We are going to win. We’re going to  win.

It is tied. We have one out. And Kevin Youkilis is batting.

Holy fricktasticals.

Youkilis strikes out.

Um… It is 10:09 and I can’t sit still.

David Ortiz at the bat.

This is how it should be, really.

Bobby V, could you please leave in Atchison? Thanks.

It’s okay, FDA. I handled it. Just now.

Um… Aceves… um…

Uhoh.

Ortiz… Hi.

Ortiz is my baby’s daddy. True story. Just ask Elliot-May-Precious Ortiz.

Of course, his baby is hiding from me because I keep throwing socks.

Walk. He is ON BASE.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Let’s just all walk. I’d be okay with that. Let’s ALLLL walk.

We’re going to give Youk a cat scan. And then, if there’s nothing wrong, we’re going to feed him cans of Ensure until he gets his ass kicking weight back on, that’s what we’re going to do, Paul.

Cody Ross, stop frowning and play BASEBALL.

It’s this GAME that you get paid to play.

If I got paid to play a game, I would turn MY frown upside down, best believe.

10:13, And my last fingernail is gone.

We have two people on base. Two. And McDonald is going to run for Ortiz. So that’s goooood.

Ohholyfrickles.

Hi, Ryan Sweeney. Ryan Sweeney will save us.

He kind of reminds me of Jason Bay. Anyone else see it?

BASE HIT!

MCDONALD Slides in… SLIDES in… drama… awesomeness. We will win. WE WILL WIN. And that ball hopped and we scored and there was no tag and…

Remember to breathe, Lauren…

OHHOLYFRICK.

Salty.

And … and…

It’s beautiful. And Santos cursed. And it was beautiful too.

Isn’t it nice to see another bullpen implode?

It is 3-2. 3-2, BOSTON.

Did you see that, John Farrell? Were you watching? Because we can replay it. We can replay it.

And the ball runs away and Ross comes in!!! And it is 4-2!

And I LOVE baseball.

And I love YOU, Santos. I can’t believe that mean John Farrell is bringing you in…

Hear those boos?

Hahahahahahaha. I wish I had a towel too be obnoxious with. Who am I kidding? I am at my house. I have LOTS of towels.

10:22. Actually, Salty’s not so bad. I really think this is going to be his year, Paul. You’ll see. Mark my words…

10:25. BOTTOM of the 9th. OHMYGOD MY COMPUTER FRICKING FROZE.

Okay. Whew. It’s better. Hi, Alfredo. If you screw it up, I fear for your life.

One out. This is STRESSFUL. You know. Unless you’re my dog.

Aceves, I have ALWAYS loved you. I don’t think ANY of this is your fault. I blame Bobby V for putting you in this situation.

That disclaimer aside, I’m going to need another out in order to justify your existance on this earth, okay?

Holyfrickingfrick.

Did we… um… We… won. We WON. WE won.

Um…

Was it just me… or was that anticlimactic?

I mean, with the previous pedey lovefest, I was expecting like… confetti?

I think confetti would have been fair… um…

SCREW IT! We WONNNNNNNNN.

You’re welcome, Red Sox. On behalf of myself and all my commenters, who, undoubtedly, pushed you to victory, you are welcome.

Hah.

I am …

Happy.

~L

Jon Lester is punishing us for taking away the chicken.

March 21, 2012 8 comments

Do you ever think it’s on purpose? Like, for some reason, Jon Lester is mad at us?

My puppy does this sometimes. Not so much anymore now that she’s a grown up (take note, Jon Lester). But you hear about it. Your puppy is angry at you so she poos in the middle of the floor. Or on your Fortune magazine.

Is this your middle-of-the-floor poo, Jon Lester? Okay. We get it. We’ll walk you. GEEZ.

Baaaaaad Pirate loss aside (the fricking PIRATES?), things aren’t so stable in the nation.

And, despite what you may read, it’s not just the rotation that’s breaking like hips on osteoporosis.

Check out this depressing read on Carl Crawford. Actually… don’t. You might not want to… Here. Read this pointless article on A-Gonz instead. Or this!

Oh good. Media reports of “trouble brewing.” I’m so glad we have the media to interpret horrible losses as horrible losses.

Okay. 6-5 wouldn’t be horrible. You know. Unless it was against the FRICKING Pirates.

But, let’s be comforted in the fact that it is just a dress rehearsal. Let’s all take a deep breath and…

Hi, Media. You’re back.

Is Bobby Valentine taking the right approach? <- Really? How can we POSSIBLY know that when haven’t even played a REAL game? Seriously, people. I’m not going to say I’m wading in tulips over the way this week has been playing out, but it’s SPRING TRAINING. They don’t always nail the soliloquies weeks before the show, guys…

The losses aren’t what fills me with motionsicky dread. What fills me with motionsicky dread is the overall organization, or lack thereof. How we’re still in rumored talks with Roy Oswalt (SERIOUSLY) and don’t have a concrete rotation. Or a concrete lineup. Or a concrete anything, really. It’s like a dress rehearsal with only half a script. THAT is what we should be freaking out about. Not specifics. The general icky disorganization.

Panic about the CORRECT thing, Soxies.

Bobby V is still not sure about Bard- I’m okay with that uncertainty. It’s this thing Bobby V and I share. If we were friends, we’d talk about this over cheesecake. Bobby V, unlike most of you, Twitter world, gets the free pass dilemma. Bard keeps handing them out. I think it’s because he’s charitable. There’s no room for charitable DURING the games, Bard. That’s what Jimmy Fund events are for…

“I don’t think that even with his good stuff I could handle the walks,” Valentine said. “Now I don’t know if [it's the] spring…and trying to impress. That’s why I looked for the changeup. If there was a pitch he wasn’t comfortable with and that was causing some of these negative counts, I would have been able to use that as an excuse.”

Of course, look at our options… Doubront… MILLER…

Sigh. With the current troupe of players, Bard might be the default…

I have said all along I trust Aceves’ experience over Bard’s mound moping… I like Bard. I do. I like him in the bull pen. And, for once, I am not alone in the universe

Speaking of things to get dizzy about- the Red Sox, at $1 billion (which will buy you a lot of yachts, eh, John Henry?), is the THIRD most valuable team, behind Stanks ($1.85 billion) and Dodgers )$1.5 billion). I’m telling you, it’s all those damn trucker hats the Stanks sell.

The Sox were FOURTH highest in TV rankings… But see, no one actually had to watch us last year, with the media’s careful attention to September highlights…

Fun facts to know and tell-

Revenue $310 million
Operating Income: $25.4 million
Debt/Value: 24%
Player Expenses: $191 million
Gate Receipts: $180 million
Revenue per Fan: $69

Do you think they’ll  refund us our $69 from last year? I sure could use that money. I’d buy eggs.

Have you tweeted me yet? You should.

Speaking of Twitter, apparently, Red Sox Nation was baffled by an Aviles impersonator on Twitter…

PS- They’re trying to make me forget about Jason Varitek again, you guys. I feel as though we should all buy matching NEVER FOREGET bracelets. Who’s with me?

L

Vicente Padilla went serial killer on his hamstring but I think Neve Campbell got away.

March 20, 2012 3 comments

Padilla, arguably the scariest man to ever wear a “B” hat, says he pulled a hamstring lifting weights. But there are lots of ways scary serial killer-looking people pull hamstrings, you know…

To be clear, Vicente, I’m not saying you ARE a serial killer. I’m just saying you LOOK like one. PLEASE DON’T HURT ME.

Anyway, in grand Sox fashion, Padilla is out before he’s even gotten a chance to give his crazy face to Verlander.

Did those eyes mangle anyone else’s soul just now?

It’s okay, guys. ONE injury isn’t going to… oh. Hi, Andrew Miller.

Red Sox left-hander Andrew Miller threw only three pitches in the seventh inning before signalling to the dugout that he was in physical distress.

Okay. I get that you want to fit in, Andrew. Can I call you Andrew? But pulling a SEPTEMBER isn’t the way to do it.

Wait. Hold the phone.

YOUR HAMSTRING TOO?

Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?

THERE ARE TWO KILLERS!

Quick! Let’s go upstairs!

Is anyone else really not caring about this ST game? It kind of just makes me, like ALL Toronto games, miss John Farrell…

John Farrell, BY THE WAY, doesn’t seem to think Bard’s so smacktastic either.

“It’s getting back to the full length of the season and the total number of innings pitched,” he said. “So when you’re counting on a guy to be an inning-eating starting pitcher, that might be a (multi-) year process.”

See- and we don’t have multi-years, sir. We need to start kicking ass yesterday. That is the ONLY way to get them to shut up about the damn chicken.

You kicked ass today. That’s great. I’m thrilled. Truly. But I’m not dazzled. You can’t dazzle me in an ST game. I’m still wait and see on you, Bard. Wait and see.

So, I have decided to be much more interactive, Soxies. Hence the renewed action on Twitter. Don’t follow me on Twitter? Just a hint- but there are some neat things coming in April- so you might want to get into the Twitter magic by clicking here.

Anyway, I asked the Twitter kids what THEY would like to see in a blog- and they responded. So, stay tuned for that. A nice, easy way to bring back everyone’s favorite… ASK TOO SOXY!

So. TWITTER ME. ASAP. And don’t change that dial. Neat things are coming. Neat things.

I’m very twitterable. Just ask around.

L

Mulder says we should believe in you, Dice-K. But I have been hurt before.

March 19, 2012 7 comments

Happy Jon Lester day, everybody! Sorry, just practicing. That’s right! The most Lesterish of all the lefties is primed to attack opening day.You’re watching, right? Because apparently Lester’s father won’t be.  And that’s a shame, because Lester’s  a special, special guy, and I’m sure he’s sorry about Soxplosion, 2011. I’m sure he’s sorry and that I’ll be getting my apology letter any day now.

I’m expecting one from you too, DOUBRONT. I hate to judge games I didn’t physically watch… but REALLY? REALLY, FELIX?

They were saying NICE things about you. Remember that? Remember THIS?

And you go Lackey on us against the fricking Twins?

And I didn’t forget about YOU, Melancon. I’m just… I can’t… I WILL GET TO YOU LATER. What really frightens me about you, Melancon? Is that Bobby V doesn’t seem to think you are horrible.

“Melancon outing? I thought he backed up the bases pretty well. He had that down,” said Valentine when asked about the reliever…

It absolutely fills me with a cold, hollow, trapped-in-a-well kind of fear when the managers think Lackey-esque performances back up bases “pretty well.” We saw it with Francona and Lackey. We saw it with Francona and Timlin. Need I remind anyone of a man named Lugo? Nearsightedness is a part of the aging process, Bobby V. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just recognize it now and get some cool specs by April, k? They make prescription sunglasses and you could probably even get a fake nose and mustache for them.

Bobby V says he’s going to “sit down” and have a serious conversation about pitching. Um. Okay. Sure. I mean, I would have had that sit down, serious conversation about pitching while forming my rotation. You know. DURING THE OFFSEASON. But sure, with what,  TWO FRICKING WEEKS to go before Opening Day? Sure. Let’s all just SIT DOWN now. You sure you don’t want to wait two weeks? Maybe discuss it over CHICKEN?

I’m okay. I’m okay. Totally over September. TOTALLY OVER IT.

I have said it before. I shall say it again. Right. Now. Aceves for rotation. Do it, Bobby V. DO IT.  It’s not like we can…

Wait… what… wh… oh my God you guys… Could it… is it… DON’T TOY WITH ME, BOBBY. I have been hurt before. What’s that? Shining in the distance?

Oh hope, you calculating mistress… teasing us in the form of a…

This is exactly like that early 90s cult classic, “the X-Files,” available now on Netflix.

Allow me to explain.

See, for those of you who were like, seven when this came out with mean parents who didn’t let you watch the X-Files because of “graphic content” and nightmares and stuff (and you don’t have Netflix. Because, if you  have Netflix, I’m sure you’re already a “believer”), the X-files is about these two FBI agents. There’s a skeptic. Her name is Scully. She’s not relevant to my rambly metaphor. But I like her hair. And then there’s Mulder. See, Mulder, really WANTS TO BELIEVE in things like extraterrestrials and scifi stuff and an afterlife, right, because it gives his life’s mission purpose. It means there’s something out there that means something, see? Oh, and that his sister isn’t dead. But you can get a full explanation on that sideplot from wikipedia.

“I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us…”

Ahem.

Dice-K, I WANT TO BELIEVE in you, because that gives the 80 katrillion dollars and 17 gallons of tears I have shed for you a purpose. But I need evidence.

Much in the same way that, in season 2 of X-Files, Mulder needs EVIDENCE to continue his quest.

Can you tell what I was doing before I made Raleigh friends?

So see, Dice-K. You’re the aliens. We want to believe in you. But you’ve got to stop abducting people and just have a nationally televised conversation. And. You know. Pitch.

What do you think, Soxies? Do you believe in Dice-K? Or do you think we’re alone in the universe?

In other news, the media is really sorry about all that chicken sh#$ (see what I did there?) they spread in September and they’re trying to apologize by over compensating Lavarnway style. I appreciate the attempt to keep my cries of “VARITEK! WHYYYYY” at a minimum. But, seriously, Boston Globe. You don’t have to pander to me. All I need is time.

Some encouraging words about Jose… I mean, we didn’t win. But, apparently, he caught a cool ball. So that’s nice.

Oh, and the media, so astute they are, have decided to tell us all that Bobby V is not Terry Francona. Thanks, Yahoo Sports. What would I do without you in my life? I get you mixed up too, media. Like, just the other day, I was like, Why, Hello, Anderson Cooper! What are YOU doing in the booth? And then I realized it was Jerry Remy. You make THAT much sense, Yahoo Sports.

In conclusion, today was a sucky Red Sox day. Except for the bit about Lesterness.

So, comment, nation. Comment away. Doubront, or not to Doubront? Dice-K, or not to Dice-K? Aliens, or no aliens? Scully or Mulder?

~L

Oh, Media… where are you NOW?

March 14, 2012 1 comment

Yankees hat? Biebs? Really?

You were everywhere during Soxsplosion. You were so helpful, news media. Like the stalker from SwimFan.

Pointing out everything from our beer choices to our attitudes. I, for one, really appreciated the loyalty. You stuck it out with us, us specifically. I mean, one would think we would see more coverage of Bravesplosion. Since, numbers-wise, it was kind of worse. Or coverage of the Cardinals. You know. Since they won. And, see, I thought the World Series was a big deal. But I also like to listen to Justin Bieber on my shower radio, so, sometimes my thought process is different from that of other 28-year-olds. I kind of thought you would pay more attention to the Stankees, since their loss was pretty hilarious. Seriously, for like a brief second, I thought you were going to abandon us for ten minutes. But nope, you’re nothing if not loyal, you faithful ones, you. Through November, when you made sure that, even as people started to forget the Cardinals’ new rings, they’d NEVER forget that time Josh Beckett pudged up. Oh, and in December. When you were so considerate. Spreading your Soxsplosion evangelism. Just to make sure Americans really, really got those oh-so-subtle fried chicken cracks. (Can someone tell another chicken joke? I feel like it’s been a month since I’ve heard one) I love how you continued your close, personal relationship with us in January and February. Remember all those special blurbs about us? Even when everyone was paying attention to the Giants and the Patriots- you didn’t let them forget about how Papelbon left us and how Papi wasn’t worth the cash and how our players are old and how Jacoby is leaving us someday and … oh… something about chicken…

Where are you now, Media? When we do things like shut out the Stankees?

Suddenly, I feel so alone. It’s like, the world is dark and all I have is the ability to laugh at Justin Bieber’s hat.

Tell me you’re at least still bugging my closet.

I have my best phone conversations in there.

I’ve been working for sixteen hours. SIXTEEN HOURS.

~L

I miss you.

What the fricking FRICK, Kyle Weiland?

March 12, 2012 4 comments

SERIOUSLY, Kyle Weilland? SERIOUSLY?

In the Astros’ 4-3 win over the Yankees, Weiland threw four no-hit innings, using his sinker to get early swings and needing just 49 pitches to get through them.

Well that’s just FRICKtastic. Let’s sound the 76 FRICKING trombones in Houston.

Never mind that it’s a SPRING TRAINING game.

You know. AND NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT FRICKING GAME OF THE WHOLE FRICKING YEAR.

Oh, yes. Let’s take THIS opportunity to not melt into a blubbery mess on the pitching mound. Are you doing this on PURPOSE? Are you a double agent, Kyle? Because that’s such a cliche. You were working for Houston ALLLLLLLLLL along. Weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU? Where the FRICK was this miracle in September?

September was like “Misery.” The movie version. With Kathy Bates. You’re Kathy Bates, Kyle.

(And not the book version. With imaginary Hattie McDaniel. Hattie sure is scary in my imagination. But I think the Kathy Bates reference is more visual. Don’t you?)

We’re just lying there. Trying to collect enough painkillers in our teeth to put the fricking season to sleep, see. It’s not like we can go anywhere. Our fricking car hit a fricking tree, Kyle. And you’re Kathy Fricking Bates with a hammer making right angles out of our ankles.

AFTER WHAT MY ANKLES HAVE BEEN THROUGH, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

And now. ALLLLLL of a sudden. YOU GIVE US “GREEN effing TOMATOES?”

WHY THE FRICK DOES HOUSTON GET TO BE MARY LOUISE PARKER?????

I can’t even look at you, Kyle Weiland. You disgust me.

Oh, Houston.

I miss Whitney.

I blame you for that, TOO, Kyle.

I just…

I…

DAMNIT.

What are your thoughts? Choose an option below in the comments:

1. Kyle Weiland was body snatched.

2. Kyle Weiland is a jerk.

3. Kyle Weiland is a double agent assassin like that hot Russian guy in “From Russia With Love” who can’t open the briefcase on the train.

4. Baseball is a lie. There is no Kyle Weiland.

~L

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