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How ya doin’ this morning, Tom Brady?

February 6, 2012 5 comments

I’d like to dedicate this song to Mr. Tom Brady.

I’d continue to harass you about your devastating loss to New York last night, Tom, but if TMZ is correct, you have enough problems this morning, don’t you, tough guy?

Click here, Pats fans. This will make it all better.

Congrats to PAUL for winning the TooSoxy Super Bowl contest and rightfully predicting the Brady smackdown.

While it was fun to watch the close up of sad eyes through the helmet (TB, I’m talking to YOU!)… I couldn’t actually sit through the Eli Manning dance…

Anywho, back to the GOOD part of New England- the RED SOX.

Yay, Red Sox.

—-

Reports come out today that Jason Varitek is still “deliberating.”

“He’s deliberating what he wants to do,’’ said his agent, Scott Boras.

And that deliberation has to include the very difficult reality of possible retirement.

Varitek will be 40 years old on April 11. In his heart, he believes he can still play. His body feels as good as it has in a long time. So why quit now?

That probably is his mind-set, but the reality is that there is no room on the Red Sox roster for him.

Whatever, Nick Cafardo!

But seriously, what Scott Boras SHOULD be doing? Sorting out a way for the Cap to coach. Or buying balloons for the retirement party. Please don’t send Tek to Minnesota.

Tek shouldn’t have to fight for a roster spot. I really hope that’s not the route this takes…

—-

Speaking of our classics, David Ortiz is saying he really wants to avoid arbitration. Really, Papi? Because there’s a really easy way to avoid arbitration. Don’t arbitrate!

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And Roy Oswalt drama is STILL going on? Seriously?

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A sad analysis that Josh Beckett 2011 will return in 2012.

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And apparently we could trade for Jason Bartlett, who, as the Bleacher Report points out today, would be a terrible, terrible idea.

Bartlett managed a batting line of .245/.308/.307/.615 in 2011.  His worst full season in his career.  If that isn’t bad enough, he broke his own record by beating his previous worst career season, which came in 2010.  His batting line then was .254/.324/.350/.675.

Hey, you know who WAS NOT having a record bad season? Marco Scutaro. Let’s see if he’s available to shortstop.

—-

In unadulterated wallowing fashion, Over The Monster has released its collection of the worst baseball moments of 2011.

The Red Sox were going to win the World Series. At least that was the prediction before the season started. After all, they signed Adrian Gonzalez. And Carl Crawford. And the pitching rotation was healthy. All signs pointed to destruction and devastation of any team that could potentially stand in their way.

Oh, how wrong that prediction felt in April.

This is too depressing to keep quoting.

Yuck.

I made my own list, if you’ll recall, last year. Here it is, if you didn’t get a chance to marvel.

On that note, have a happy Monday! I’ll be 28 tomorrow. Do you think I’ll feel like an adult?

~L

PS- If you like politics, you will giggle at the comparison between the Curse of the Bambino and Mitt Romney, made by Matthew Dowd at the National Journal:

The legendary Curse of the Bambino fell upon the Boston Red Sox when they sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees in the 1919-1920 season. The Red Sox went nearly a century after that without winning another World Series. The curse was lifted in 2004. But could it then have moved on to haunt another team? A political team?

An ode to Timmy: Timmy Wakefield

January 30, 2012 5 comments

Tim Wakefield, aka Father Time- as the media would have you believe, wants another year. See, Wake’s the definition of a utility player- the first to raise his hand and literally the last to leave the bullpen. He’s like our “Wonder Years” dad. You know. But happier and slightly less curmudgeonly. There with supportive words of wisdom and the occasional scowling wisecrack. Working quietly in the background. But highlighted in select episodes so that we’ll be guilted into telling our own fathers “thank you?” But, you know, not always integral to the front-and-center Fred Savage-Winnie plot today?

What a great show...

In other words, Tim Wakefield is a workhorse. Just one that may be working at spending his money next season, not getting ours…

“I just saw that (Jorge) Posada retired, you know it’s something that my wife and I need to talk about,” Wakefield said, according to FloridaToday.com. “I’d probably need to talk about it with my kids, too. Ultimately, I would like to obviously play for the Boston Red Sox for one more year and see where it goes.”

Anyone else imagine his voice all mopey when he says that?

Okay. Now imagine it in this voice!

With the Sox since 1995. I was eleven. MLB debut in 1992. I was six. 200 wins. 2,156 strikeouts. A bazillion smiles.

Despite suffering through one of his worst seasons of an otherwise solid and sometimes spectacular career, the Eau Gallie High graduate and Florida Tech baseball standout is convinced he can still help a team win.


And it’s not that repetitive denial that has-beens repeat on their Facebook and Twitter feeds. Wake DOES have stones left.

It’s just- do those stones fit into our ball park and our ALREADY cramped pen?

“There have been a number of clubs who have called, who have an interest in signing me but I’m kind of just weighing my options right now,” he said, obviously waiting and hoping that Boston will make an offer. “I think I can be a valuable asset to them as an insurance policy, you know a fifth or sixth starter or if something doesn’t pan out for some of the guys they have already penciled in to the rotation. You know that’s kind of been my job these last two years; I don’t have a problem doing that.”

Getting past the condescension of the author’s “obviously waiting” remark (I hate condescending reporters, don’t you?)… He knows his value. As an insurance policy.

If the choices for No. 5 starter come down to reclamation projects like Aaron Cook, Carlos Silva and Vicente Padilla, or a number of other untested or questionable choices (Junichi Tazawa is one), is Wakefield really so undesirable?

And that is assuming Daniel Bard fits in as No. 4 starter, which remains an assumption for now.

Bobby Valentine has already said he cannot imagine Wakefield competing for a job. That might sound cold, but whatever the Red Sox owe Wakefield (and a roster spot is not on the list), the newly hired Valentine owes him nothing.

He’s not asking to take the lead. He’s not asking for $$$. He’s not asking for fame. He’s just asking to keep playing baseball, with a humility that SOME people (ahem, Lackey. Papelbon. Probably Jacoby next year) could learn from…

And even at 45-he can still be a benefit. My thoughts? We hold onto him. Not make him part of our regular rotation. Not make him part of our bullpen. But keep him for a clutch moment when everyone’s arm is shot. Going to happen. Late this summer when the rotation is tired and we need a miracle. A hero. Someone with a good attitude. Because when Tim does rise from the ashes of everyone else’s failure- that’s when he pulls it out. That’s when he shines. And that’s when debates start about his robotness. Save him for when we need him. And let him retire in a Sox jersey. He’s earned it.

And seriously, Benny C. Call. Him. Back.

You NEVER forget to call your father. Bad things happen, Ben Cherington. Bad things. He’ll just show up at your doorstep. He’ll just show up. And demand to see your packing progress. And when you don’t have packing progress, he’ll compensate by packing your coffee. And you won’t be able to find it. And you’ll have to go to a gas station Monday morning. A GAS STATION. That’s $1.99 you’ll NEVER get back, Ben.

—-

PS- and this is random- but I miss Mike Lowell. I miss Mike Lowell so much that it hurts sometimes.

Mike Lowell would NEVER have let Soxsplosion happen. No, sir. Not Mike Lowell…

I’m okay… I’m okay…

—-

In less somber news (because that was somber, man), Curt Schilling is expressing his opinions again. This time about something waaay more relevant than his usual cup of bitters. He’s defending something video gamey that I’ve never heard of. Whatever, Curt. Did you know he owned a video game studio? Did you care?

HuffPost released an interesting list today- the 10 worst contracts in baseball. Carl Crawford is #10. John Lackey is #6. Alex Rodriguez is #3.

There’s no way for the Yankees to get out from under a contract that will pay A-Rod $21 million during the season he turns 42. And then there’s the $30 million in home run bonuses he stands to earn. The Yankees print money, but yikes!

Jason Werth is #1? Really?

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Manny Ramirez, Juice King, may be back in the MLB fold, as the A’s are rumored to crave juice… Be a part of the collective eye roll in 3, 2, 1… NOW.

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MLB is reeealllyyyy struggling for news. So they popped up a craptastic piece about how we don’t always know who wins or loses pre-season. Wow with the ace reporting, skip. We allllll know which team this article aims to scrutinize passive aggressively.

Roy Oswalt, enjoying the attention, clearly, is going to milk it just a little bit longer before taking a deal with (probably) the Cardinals.

And here’s a theory about putting Jose Iglesias in the shortstop dance.

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So. How’s your Monday?

I’d quit again, if I could.

Is a dramatic exit redundant when you’ve already put in your two weeks? I think it might be time to stage “I quit: The Musical.” I’m good on vocals, but I’m going to need a five string…

~L

Well, there you go. Pedro says keep Tek forever.

January 14, 2012 5 comments

When Pedro says something, the gods themselves listen.

True story. Like, this one time, he was like, wow, I wish I had a grilled cheese sandwich. And these birds flocked from the trees and learned how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Like how they made the dress in Cinderella. Except with, you know, toast and cheese and stuff.

That could have happened. You don’t know. You’re not here. North Carolina is a magical place.

Pedro said something amazing today.

“If there are any Red Sox management here, you cannot let ‘Tek go,” Martinez said at a charity dinner in his honor at the Liberty Hotel. “You have to keep him in Boston. He was our head, our captain. He should retire as a member of the Red Sox, and never leave.”

AND NEVER LEAVE.

This comes the same day we hear Tek’s been given a pity invite to spring training.

Yeah, well you know what, John Henry? He’s going to go to spring training. He’s going to train like you won’t believe. He’s going to train so well that you’ll beg him to come back to the roster. BEG HIM. Right Tek?

Um… Right Tek?

Um… So… Tek’s been awfully quiet through all of this…

Does that bother anyone else?

The Red Sox fairly have made clear to him that if he did come to camp, he’d serve mostly as “protection” in the event one of their two catchers, Jarrod Saltalamacchia or Kelly Shoppach, is hurt. Ryan Lavarnway is seen as Boston’s catcher of the future but is expected to start the year in Triple-A Pawtucket.

Then again… there’s another option.

The team has offered him an invite to spring training as a non-roster player, and if he elects to retire, the team is interested in having him in their front office.

Add in circulating rumors that he could be Pawtucketting... Really?

And, well, at least you’re in the news today, Tekky.

I’d kind of like to hear exactly what Tek thinks. Because, see, I’m kind of in favor of whatever Tek wants to do. I’m kind of hoping Tek wants to relocate to Boone, North Carolina and be my personal mentor. But, you know, whatever.

I do wish he’d say something.

I love you, Jason Varitek. Like, love-love. And I’d like you to live forever. Thanks. So. Um. Wake up. Stand up for yourself! Be assertive! And make sure that “C” is still attached to your jersey. I bet he sews “C”s to his pajamas. Tek, I bet you have manly pajamas.

My feelings can best be expressed through the following song by Wakey Wakey.

So, whatever YOU decide, Tek. I will support. Because you saved me life once. Or twice. Or. Um. All the time.

~L

Johnny Damon? Seriously? We’re talking about this? I blame YOU, Nick Cafardo.

January 11, 2012 10 comments

(WARNING. The following post contains multiple, gag-inducing pictures of a jackass)

“There’s no way I can play for the Yankees, but I know they’re going to come after me hard. It’s definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It’s not what I need.” ~Johnny Rotten.

That was after winning a World Series. Remember? Oh, you know, I think he said something else after ANOTHER World Series… what was it… what was it… oh. Right.

“This is the greatest organization I’ve ever played for.” “Winning a world championship in New York is the most amazing thing I’ve experienced.” “I’ve always been a Yankee.” “No matter what happens in my career, I’ll always have this.”

See. I think that makes you a jackass, Johnny Damon. But not everyone agrees with me…

Alas, Bleacher Report. Our alliance was too good to be true. You go and print this filth:

Why not bring back Johnny Damon to start the season in right field?

Really, Bleacher Report? Really? You are going to force me to answer that moronic excuse for a question????

Let’s take away the fact that he’s old and gets taken down by fake grass. Let’s take away the fact that he’s been passed around to more teams than… than… well

Oh, and the fact that he’s a complete, egocentric jackass (can we take that away? Can we fit that through the door, guys?) who writes his own praises on, perhaps, the LAMEST personal website in an ever…

He is the biggest whiner in baseball!!!!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE NOT SEE THAT???

Seriously. I think I do a gooooood job of documenting every time he whines. Do an archive search on my site. Go ahead. And I don’t get all of them. EVERY TIME he is in Boston, he says something snarky. EVERY TIME he plays Boston- he says something snarky. EVERY TIME he’s given an opportunity, he says something snarky. He is a bigger media whore than Curt Schilling. And he’s supposed to be busy. You know. PLAYING BASEBALL. And when he’s not being snarky, he’s acting all whimpery and hurt. Puh-leeze. Go blow your nose on your money, JD and leave the media out of it.

So, let’s take a September Soxsplosion team that’s disheartened and, let’s face it, whiny (how else would you describe the “unnamed sources'” state of mind?). And let’s add a whiner so weepy that he makes Andy Dick’s character on News Radio look attractive.

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE FENWAY PARK BLOW UP????????

The REALLY scary thing? There’s a poll. And, as of 10:53 a.m. today, 54.8 percent of Soxies say they’d welcome him BACK.

WHAT AM I MISSING? Is 54.8 percent of America on crack cocaine?

Seriously. Someone tell me when we decided to forgive the Idiot? Because I didn’t get that memo.

John Lackey doesn’t get a free pass for his jackassishness, and he still proudly wears the uniform. Johnny Damon??? Really???

Someone explain this using bullet points, please.

The reality is, Johnny Damon knows Boston.  He knows the city, the fans and the ballpark.

Really?

Because he was “surprised” at the fan reaction to his Stankee switch.

And he was “surprised” to hear boos upon returning to the park that let him grow his hair out.

Does that sound like a guy who knows the fans?

Or do quotes like-

You’re welcome for ’04. You’re welcome for making it fun again over there.

Make him sound like an egotistical jerkwad with a hankering to whine?  You tell me, America.

Seriously, Red Sox. You have pissed us off enough over the past year. You really want to throw Johnny Damon at us NOW? Not a good plan, guys. And Benny C- I don’t think you’re that stupid.

Johnny, go back to Tampa and leave us alone.

~L

Curt Schilling talks too much for HOF. Pedro doesn’t talk ENOUGH. Oh. And some jackass likes Johnny Damon.

January 10, 2012 5 comments

Bah. Day fifteen bazillion of crutches. Let’s call today the WORST day. I am at a meeting right now. It is HORRRRRRIBLE.

It’s so horrible that I am sitting here looking at Red Sox news. Okay. So I do that on the occasional not-horrible meeting. Whatev. Can we just be in agreement that my time would be better served blowing on cement to help it dry quicker?

In today’s news, people are already talking 2013 HOF ballot- a ballot that could have juice king Roger Clemens. It could also have Curt Schilling.

In complete opposition to my headline (I’m still mad at Curt for certain September comments), anytime a Soxy makes the HOF I’m excited. So, go Curt. What are your thoughts? Curt a HOF contender? Or should he first master the quiet game?

—-

In other news- better news- much, much, much better news- PEDRO MARTINEZ WAS ON THE RADIO TODAY! The gods themselves rejoiced.

AND- he talked about… VERLANDER’S MVP. I LOVE you, Pedro.

“I was kind of pissed off at first [when Verlander won the MVP], but then I went to realize that they are the [voters] are going to have to live with that label on their back. If anyone calls them prejudice or racist for not voting for me, everyone will have to understand that it’s their responsibility for not voting for me at that time,” said Martinez. “I feel kind of bad, but at the same time, I was really happy that the pitchers who really deserved it like Justin finally got the monkey off their backs, that a pitcher can have such an impact on his team that he probably deserves the MVP sometimes. It has to be an exception, like the year I had in ’99, the year that [Dennis] Eckersley and those guys that won it, Roger [Clemens], had the impact that they had on the team. Justin Verlander was one who really had an impact on the success of the team. I really believe that the most important person they had on their whole team was Justin Verlander. That’s what makes you an MVP.”

Pedro. You are so classy. Would you like Ben Cherington’s job?

Or… um… you know… a spot on a rotation… say…. OURS?

I was never approached by the Red Sox. I actually thought about maybe going back and trying to do something. I knew that they needed someone. But I have a hard time leaving the lifestyle that I’ve chosen now. Leaving the family wasn’t going to be easy. Even if it was the Red Sox, I was going to have a hard time leaving my family.

But… but… but… WE are your family, Pedro! WE ARE.

My favorite comment Pedro made came from a discussion on steroids-

…when I was in Triple-A, I was told that I was too small, that I was too fragile to pitch in the big leagues in the Dodgers organization. Back then, I felt tempted. One of my teammates said, ‘I have a doctor, if you want to go and get a shot and get whatever and get big…’ He never gave me details. I asked him what would happen. How would that work? He specifically said that there are certain areas of a man that will get damaged. As soon as he said that, I said, ‘No. There’s no way that I will go for that.’

I love you, Pedro. Like, love you-love you. Like, on the Yes, No or Maybe boxes- you’d be a YES. Every. Single. Time.

—-

In less lovable news, some jackass named Sid thinks we should re-sign Johnny Damon. I’d rather eat this table.

Some jackass named Nick thinks it’s a great idea:

It would be awesome to have Johnny Damon on this team. Precisely the personality they need in the clubhouse to lead as he did in 2004. But I’m afraid he has no arm and he’s a lefthanded hitter.

I bolded the parts that made me snort. Audibly. In this meeting.

Feel free to be as sarcastic as possible in the comments.

~L

The Bleacher Report AGREES with me on something. And I think Ryan Braun might have leprosy.

January 8, 2012 6 comments

The Bleacher Report agrees with me on something.

And that something IS… RYAN BRAUN!!!!

If he is indeed innocent and did not take performance-enhancing drugs, he needs to do everything he can to clear his name.

If it’s leprosy, you can just TELL us, Ryan.

Bud Selig would MUCHHHHH rather you have leprosy than juice in your veins.

Leprosy is nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of famous people have leprosy! Like Nicholas Cage.

My advice? (BR’s too) As I have said on this blog at LEAST twice now, Ryan- it’s to un-privatize that “private medical issue.”

Really, Ryan. No one cares if you have leprosy. Or. Whatever. Well, your random hookups might. But I bet you and Derek Jeter could hang out and make gift baskets as an apology. Jeter’d just appreciate a friend. So would Minka. Think of all the happy times you could have together. Make a sleepover out of it! Play “never have I ever” with jello shots!  “Never have I ever juiced…”

See, it’s not just about you, Ryan. It’s about the Brewers. And MLB. And little kids with chewing gum and Ryan Braun trapper keepers (do you think they HAVE Ryan Braun trapper keepers? I want a Kevin Youkilis trapper keeper. Can someone get on that?). When you bring steroids into the mix- it’s about more than your career.

So, how’s about setting a few rumors straight?

Doesn’t look like you have a lot of time.

~L

Seriously? Nicholas Cage does NOT have leprosy? What’s leprosy again?

Oh. OH! Ew.

DODGING (hah! a pun! a pun!) Joe Torre. Carlos Silva. Jason Varitek. And other news to whimsy your Wednesday.

January 4, 2012 6 comments

Joe Torre is NO LONGER AT MLB! Why? Because he wants to be George Steinbrenner when he grows up.

Sorry, Bud Selig. You’re going to have to find another sleepover pal to play Truth or Dare with on those long, lonely nights… you could always hire a friend. You can afford it.

This was right before they did each other's nails.

Joe Torre resigns from MLB!

And there was much rejoicing.

But I don’t know if they’re rejoicing in LA. Of course, I do think I heard a chorus of Well-it-couldn’t-be-worse-than-McCourt. A catchy tune, that one…

Joe Torre resigned his executive position at Major League Baseball on Wednesday to join with Los Angeles developer Rick Caruso in bidding to buy the Dodgers.

You’ll recall he stuck it to NY by managing the Dodgers in 08- a role he won’t be returning to…

And NY stuck it to him in a… well… we don’t have to go down that awkward memory trip again.

—-

I hope you’ve got another facial expression…

And the Sox could be hoping newly signed Carlos Silva hulks into a badass…

Last January, the Yankees signed Colon to a minor league contract. The one-time Red Sox starter made New York’s roster in spring training, and for the bargain price of a $900,000 base salary, the 38-year-old right-hander made 26 starts, logged 1641⁄3 innings and posted a 4.00 ERA.

Nick Cafardo reports we’re still interested in Roy Oswalt, Hiroki Kuroda, and Joe Saunders- but not their price tags.

…the price tags on them are not compatible with their budget restraints for the 2012 season.

But Nick Cafardo gets nothing from me until his other prediction comes true- the one about Jason Varitek.

I'll never let go, Tek! I'll never let go!

While there’s lots of Tekky speculation- nothing is coming from the actual RED SOX- a point gracefully pointed out today by MassLive.

Maybe the Red Sox are formulating a creative plan for Varitek to return in some non-playing role but stay in shape, just in case.

If it’s anything else, they are not being polite by stringing Varitek along.

Seriously.

If the Sox hired Varitek as a coach or advisor, but told him to stay in shape in case an emergency need for a catcher occurred, I could see the logic.

Let’s do that.

In other news… Snowpocalypse averted in Boone, North Carolina.

And I get to write about basketball Friday. The new guy (UNC-Chapel Hill fan/musician. Let’s call him “Sweaters.” Yes. Because he wears sweaters.) is big into basketball. So, I guess this will just give me an excuse to nab a couple study sessions. Is it tacky to bring wine?

~L

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