Mulder says we should believe in you, Dice-K. But I have been hurt before.

Happy Jon Lester day, everybody! Sorry, just practicing. That’s right! The most Lesterish of all the lefties is primed to attack opening day.You’re watching, right? Because apparently Lester’s father won’t be.  And that’s a shame, because Lester’s  a special, special guy, and I’m sure he’s sorry about Soxplosion, 2011. I’m sure he’s sorry and that I’ll be getting my apology letter any day now.

I’m expecting one from you too, DOUBRONT. I hate to judge games I didn’t physically watch… but REALLY? REALLY, FELIX?

They were saying NICE things about you. Remember that? Remember THIS?

And you go Lackey on us against the fricking Twins?

And I didn’t forget about YOU, Melancon. I’m just… I can’t… I WILL GET TO YOU LATER. What really frightens me about you, Melancon? Is that Bobby V doesn’t seem to think you are horrible.

“Melancon outing? I thought he backed up the bases pretty well. He had that down,” said Valentine when asked about the reliever…

It absolutely fills me with a cold, hollow, trapped-in-a-well kind of fear when the managers think Lackey-esque performances back up bases “pretty well.” We saw it with Francona and Lackey. We saw it with Francona and Timlin. Need I remind anyone of a man named Lugo? Nearsightedness is a part of the aging process, Bobby V. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just recognize it now and get some cool specs by April, k? They make prescription sunglasses and you could probably even get a fake nose and mustache for them.

Bobby V says he’s going to “sit down” and have a serious conversation about pitching. Um. Okay. Sure. I mean, I would have had that sit down, serious conversation about pitching while forming my rotation. You know. DURING THE OFFSEASON. But sure, with what,  TWO FRICKING WEEKS to go before Opening Day? Sure. Let’s all just SIT DOWN now. You sure you don’t want to wait two weeks? Maybe discuss it over CHICKEN?

I’m okay. I’m okay. Totally over September. TOTALLY OVER IT.

I have said it before. I shall say it again. Right. Now. Aceves for rotation. Do it, Bobby V. DO IT.  It’s not like we can…

Wait… what… wh… oh my God you guys… Could it… is it… DON’T TOY WITH ME, BOBBY. I have been hurt before. What’s that? Shining in the distance?

Oh hope, you calculating mistress… teasing us in the form of a…

This is exactly like that early 90s cult classic, “the X-Files,” available now on Netflix.

Allow me to explain.

See, for those of you who were like, seven when this came out with mean parents who didn’t let you watch the X-Files because of “graphic content” and nightmares and stuff (and you don’t have Netflix. Because, if you  have Netflix, I’m sure you’re already a “believer”), the X-files is about these two FBI agents. There’s a skeptic. Her name is Scully. She’s not relevant to my rambly metaphor. But I like her hair. And then there’s Mulder. See, Mulder, really WANTS TO BELIEVE in things like extraterrestrials and scifi stuff and an afterlife, right, because it gives his life’s mission purpose. It means there’s something out there that means something, see? Oh, and that his sister isn’t dead. But you can get a full explanation on that sideplot from wikipedia.

“I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us…”

Ahem.

Dice-K, I WANT TO BELIEVE in you, because that gives the 80 katrillion dollars and 17 gallons of tears I have shed for you a purpose. But I need evidence.

Much in the same way that, in season 2 of X-Files, Mulder needs EVIDENCE to continue his quest.

Can you tell what I was doing before I made Raleigh friends?

So see, Dice-K. You’re the aliens. We want to believe in you. But you’ve got to stop abducting people and just have a nationally televised conversation. And. You know. Pitch.

What do you think, Soxies? Do you believe in Dice-K? Or do you think we’re alone in the universe?

—

In other news, the media is really sorry about all that chicken sh#$ (see what I did there?) they spread in September and they’re trying to apologize by over compensating Lavarnway style. I appreciate the attempt to keep my cries of “VARITEK! WHYYYYY” at a minimum. But, seriously, Boston Globe. You don’t have to pander to me. All I need is time.

Some encouraging words about Jose… I mean, we didn’t win. But, apparently, he caught a cool ball. So that’s nice.

Oh, and the media, so astute they are, have decided to tell us all that Bobby V is not Terry Francona. Thanks, Yahoo Sports. What would I do without you in my life? I get you mixed up too, media. Like, just the other day, I was like, Why, Hello, Anderson Cooper! What are YOU doing in the booth? And then I realized it was Jerry Remy. You make THAT much sense, Yahoo Sports.

In conclusion, today was a sucky Red Sox day. Except for the bit about Lesterness.

So, comment, nation. Comment away. Doubront, or not to Doubront? Dice-K, or not to Dice-K? Aliens, or no aliens? Scully or Mulder?

~L

Jed Lowrie is gone! Stuff is happening, you guys! It’s like we’re a REAL team!

In a move that’s only exciting because, well, it’s the ONLY move we’ve seen so far- everyone’s favorite hypochondriac, Jed Lowrie, is Texas-bound.

As longtime readers know, I can’t stand Jed Lowrie. Also as longtime readers know, I can’t really articulate why.

But when I say I’m okay with this move, I am as okay with this move as I am devastated about the possibility of being captainless. Well. Um. almost.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And Kyle WHINEland. I am sorry. I definitely don’t want to leave you out. Kyle Weiland is gone too!

I’ve been okay with that possibility since September 19, when Kyle Weiland taught us what a Soxsplosion is really all about.

Kyle, you just LOOK ineffective in this photo.

So, what are we getting for this wealth of exported talent?

A new Papelbon! Thanks, Astros.

Okay, Mark Melancon. I don’t know anything about you, but the fact that this is the first image Google spits out-

- doesn’t bode well for us…

Okay, Mark Melancon… you are (were!) an Astro, wikipedia says. You weren’t even on my closer market radar… which is slightly concerning…

He made his major league debut as a relief pitcher against the Boston Red Sox on April 26, 2009, pitching two scoreless innings.

Hmmmmm….

And that’s pretty much all wikipedia has got…

Hmmmmmm….

Okay. The Globe has a bit more info…

Melancon, a hard-throwing 26-year-old had a 2.78 earned run average and 20 saves in 74.1 innings for Houston last season. He struck out 66 and walked 26.

His numbers suggest he could serve as the departed Jonathan Papelbon’s successor as the Red Sox closer in ’12, though he may also be the first of many pieces added to the bullpen…

Whatever. At least we DID something. Fah-fricking-finally.

And Texas, have fun with Jed. Hope your first aid kit is stocked. Oh, and it’s Ma-lan-son, I’m told.

~L

PS- Someone out there is trying to turn me into a Cub fan. It’s NOT GOING TO WORK, Theo. DO YOU HEAR ME????

Damn it.