You guys know how much I LOVE to make fun of egotistical fan sites, right? I found the best one today. THE BEST ONE. The site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as the farmer in Babe. A site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as dryer lint, really. A site that makes… well… why don’t you just SEE FOR YOURSELF.
Just when you thought it was safe to refresh your browser… THERE IS A VIDEO. A VIDEO, Soxies. With AMERICAN FLAGS.
It’s like the universe is wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously. There’s so much to make fun of! There’s the intro, obviously. The bio. The fact that his middle name is Aristides. The fact that he’s called a “fixture,” a star, a hitter… but not a juicer? Oh! And it says he’s a Dodger (way to update, Juiceter)- but makes NO MENTION OF HIS RED SOX TENURE! How interesting, because when I talk about the Red Sox, I make no mention of you, Juicy Juicerez.
Oh! Oh! Oh! And there are photos! There’s a whole clicky button for photos (they leave out this one, though). And a section for Kids! Where you can play him (yeah, you’ll see his name enough on the website. I don’t have to type it on this blog) battling aliens! It’s like you’re throwing baseballs at aliens, but to make it more fun, do what I did and imagine it’s a syringe. There are even T-SHIRTS. I would LOVE to meet someone who actually buys these T-Shirts.
AND- just when you think the website can’t get ANY BETTER- oh, it does. It does.
There’s a FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS page! Strange, though, in between his favorite cartoon (Anime? Really?) and favorite movie (the Matrix, by the way), there’s nothing in FAQ about his favorite steroid. Or his favorite place to inject. Or even his favorite mug shot!!!! I kind of feel cheated, you know? Manny, you know a lot about cheating…
So, as my me-Birthday gift to you, I leave you this amazing gem to make fun of. May it bring you as much joy as it did to me. And, of course, alien-hating children everywhere.
What a GREAT day. Thanks, Juice King. Thanks.
Seriously. It can’t possibly be REAL, can it? Can it?
PS- Just when I thought it couldn’t get funnier… CLICK HERE. Just do it.
Tim Wakefield, aka Father Time- as the media would have you believe, wants another year. See, Wake’s the definition of a utility player- the first to raise his hand and literally the last to leave the bullpen. He’s like our “Wonder Years” dad. You know. But happier and slightly less curmudgeonly. There with supportive words of wisdom and the occasional scowling wisecrack. Working quietly in the background. But highlighted in select episodes so that we’ll be guilted into telling our own fathers “thank you?” But, you know, not always integral to the front-and-center Fred Savage-Winnie plot today?
In other words, Tim Wakefield is a workhorse. Just one that may be working at spending his money next season, not getting ours…
“I just saw that (Jorge) Posada retired, you know it’s something that my wife and I need to talk about,” Wakefield said, according to FloridaToday.com. “I’d probably need to talk about it with my kids, too. Ultimately, I would like to obviously play for the Boston Red Sox for one more year and see where it goes.”
Anyone else imagine his voice all mopey when he says that?
Okay. Now imagine it in this voice!
With the Sox since 1995. I was eleven. MLB debut in 1992. I was six. 200 wins. 2,156 strikeouts. A bazillion smiles.
Despite suffering through one of his worst seasons of an otherwise solid and sometimes spectacular career, the Eau Gallie High graduate and Florida Tech baseball standout is convinced he can still help a team win.
And it’s not that repetitive denial that has-beens repeat on their Facebook and Twitter feeds. Wake DOES have stones left.
It’s just- do those stones fit into our ball park and our ALREADY cramped pen?
“There have been a number of clubs who have called, who have an interest in signing me but I’m kind of just weighing my options right now,” he said, obviously waiting and hoping that Boston will make an offer. “I think I can be a valuable asset to them as an insurance policy, you know a fifth or sixth starter or if something doesn’t pan out for some of the guys they have already penciled in to the rotation. You know that’s kind of been my job these last two years; I don’t have a problem doing that.”
Getting past the condescension of the author’s “obviously waiting” remark (I hate condescending reporters, don’t you?)… He knows his value. As an insurance policy.
If the choices for No. 5 starter come down to reclamation projects like Aaron Cook, Carlos Silva and Vicente Padilla, or a number of other untested or questionable choices (Junichi Tazawa is one), is Wakefield really so undesirable?
Bobby Valentine has already said he cannot imagine Wakefield competing for a job. That might sound cold, but whatever the Red Sox owe Wakefield (and a roster spot is not on the list), the newly hired Valentine owes him nothing.
He’s not asking to take the lead. He’s not asking for $$$. He’s not asking for fame. He’s just asking to keep playing baseball, with a humility that SOME people (ahem, Lackey. Papelbon. Probably Jacoby next year) could learn from…
And even at 45-he can still be a benefit. My thoughts? We hold onto him. Not make him part of our regular rotation. Not make him part of our bullpen. But keep him for a clutch moment when everyone’s arm is shot. Going to happen. Late this summer when the rotation is tired and we need a miracle. A hero. Someone with a good attitude. Because when Tim does rise from the ashes of everyone else’s failure- that’s when he pulls it out. That’s when he shines. And that’s when debates start about his robotness. Save him for when we need him. And let him retire in a Sox jersey. He’s earned it.
And seriously, Benny C. Call. Him. Back.
You NEVER forget to call your father. Bad things happen, Ben Cherington. Bad things. He’ll just show up at your doorstep. He’ll just show up. And demand to see your packing progress. And when you don’t have packing progress, he’ll compensate by packing your coffee. And you won’t be able to find it. And you’ll have to go to a gas station Monday morning. A GAS STATION. That’s $1.99 you’ll NEVER get back, Ben.
PS- and this is random- but I miss Mike Lowell. I miss Mike Lowell so much that it hurts sometimes.
Mike Lowell would NEVER have let Soxsplosion happen. No, sir. Not Mike Lowell…
I’m okay… I’m okay…
In less somber news (because that was somber, man), Curt Schilling is expressing his opinions again. This time about something waaay more relevant than his usual cup of bitters. He’s defending something video gamey that I’ve never heard of. Whatever, Curt. Did you know he owned a video game studio? Did you care?
HuffPost released an interesting list today- the 10 worst contracts in baseball. Carl Crawford is #10. John Lackey is #6. Alex Rodriguez is #3.
There’s no way for the Yankees to get out from under a contract that will pay A-Rod $21 million during the season he turns 42. And then there’s the $30 million in home run bonuses he stands to earn. The Yankees print money, but yikes!
Jason Werth is #1? Really?
Manny Ramirez, Juice King, may be back in the MLB fold, as the A’s are rumored to crave juice… Be a part of the collective eye roll in 3, 2, 1… NOW.
MLB is reeealllyyyy struggling for news. So they popped up a craptastic piece about how we don’t always know who wins or loses pre-season. Wow with the ace reporting, skip. We allllll know which team this article aims to scrutinize passive aggressively.
Roy Oswalt, enjoying the attention, clearly, is going to milk it just a little bit longer before taking a deal with (probably) the Cardinals.
And here’s a theory about putting Jose Iglesias in the shortstop dance.
So. How’s your Monday?
I’d quit again, if I could.
Is a dramatic exit redundant when you’ve already put in your two weeks? I think it might be time to stage “I quit: The Musical.” I’m good on vocals, but I’m going to need a five string…
Manny Ramirez, aka: the She-Juicer, found a few suckers to watch him play baseball- the Blue Jays and the Orioles.
Buck Showalter, I expected this from you… But Danny Duquette?
AND JOHN FARRELL????
Canada, I thought you were a better country than that.
Duquette! I thought you had better taste.
AND JOHN FARRELL?????? I called you brilliant, like, a month ago, in a blog post. I did. Remember how I wanted YOU and not Bobby V?
Well, now that I have this keen perspective on life (thanks, JOHN), I like Bobby V even more…
I’d like to know how my bird friends feel about this.
“Manny’s an interesting guy,” Duquette said. “He’s interesting to the fans. And he can hit. Or he could hit. I don’t know if he still can.”
As the Red Sox’s general manager, Duquette signed Ramirez in 2000 and has always liked Ramirez as a hitter.
“He wants another opportunity,” Duquette said. ”He’s trying hard to get one.”
Why don’t you just fill the syringe for him, Danny?
INTERESTING? So is Roger Clemmons.
The part of this article I find INTERESTING? The fact that Manny is turning 40. Did you know that?
Duquette wouldn’t confirm anything to MASN-
“People have been trying to link us to Ramirez because I signed him in Boston, ” Duquette said, “and they’ve been doing that ever since he said that he wanted to play ball again.”
Well, better you guys than us.
Despite the talent he flashed as a youngster, the two failed drug tests — in 2009 with the Dodgers and 2011 with the Rays — have stained his legacy forever.
And the drug tests are just part of my anti-Mannyness.
After savoring success, he succumbed to laziness. He became a lackluster defender in the outfield. He couldn’t keep track of his “injured” knees and milked the attention. He strolled down to first base as opposed to hustling on ground balls.
Imagine if Ramirez had the work ethic to complement his talent. He could have been destined to reign atop the all-time home run list and would have shattered many more records than he currently holds.
As far as our boys in Boston? Apparently, we’re looking at outfielders.
And Bobby Valentine is keeping busy.
As for me…
Day three of crippledom.
Today my mother came to visit. She took me shopping.
We got a wheelchair at the mall and she wheeled me around for an hour.
It. Was. Weird.
But I got ice cream. So there’s that.
In the first flat out rejection of my New Year’s predictions, Manny Ramirez once again elbows his way toward press attention.
Just when you thought it was safe to return to your Google news alerts…
And coming to a ballpark near you…
Seriously? I have rolled my eyes about this since the She-Juicer first tried to re-relevant himself in December.
100 games reduced to a 50 game suspension is still… well, a 50 game suspension. And then there’s the “retirement.” Oh, and the attitude. Let’s focus on the attitude.
“Every day that goes by I regret the decisions (NOTE HOW PLURAL THIS IS) I made by following bad advice (FROM WHO? BE SPECIFIC),” Ramirez said. “We are human (SANS JUICE), we make mistakes (PLURAL!), we are not perfect. Everybody deserves a chance to show he has changed.”
It’s my understanding you got that chance, Manny. But sure. Okay. Let me help you out. I’ll play Bob Barker to your prize package, k?
Attention, MLB teams. For the low-low-low price of your dignity, 50 games and undisclosed amount of… um… juice… the following prize package could be YOURS! Would models make this more interesting? I think models would make this more interesting.
1. Smelly dreadlocks that go unwashed for luck. And a dirty helmet. Oh. And a smirk.
2. The constant repetition of “Manny being Manny,” because if you don’t say it, the realization that “Manny being Manny” is really “Manny being a jackass” is too irritating to bear.
3. A bad attitude.
5. Mysterious and phantom injuries! ooooooooh. Scary!
Feel free to post other selling points in the comments.
He’s holding a workout for “interested teams.”
Ramirez’s last full season was 2010 and he hit .298 with 19 homers and a .949 OPS in 104 games for the Dodgers and White Sox. Under normal circumstances that would be enough to make him worth a low-cost flier, even at age 40, but because it’s Ramirez the over/under for teams attending his workout is probably around 2.5 (depending on how many scouts in the area are curious and/or bored that day).
The Bleacher Report sums this up nicely:
We often need to separate the difference between what should happen and what will happen. Manny Ramirez should never face another pitch in Major League Baseball. But none of that means that he won’t ever see another pitch. Someone will bring him in.
Ben Cherington, this is one I’d appreciate you missing. Thanks.
I am having a bad day.
No. You know what? Let me capitalize that.
I am having a BAD DAY.
So, I’m turning to the one thing guaranteed to put a smile on my face and a skip in my step (provided there are no more icy stairs. Skips in one’s steps leaves one vulnerable to really dramatic backflip falls, I hear): Your letters.
In today’s edition of Ask Too Soxy, we first hear from Ryan. Okay. So, that’s not his e-mail signature. But I’ve decided it’s less vulgar to just make up a nondescript name.
Dear Too Soxy (I added the “dear.” I always add the “dear.” Guys, when you e-mail me, could you add in your own “dear?” Thanks.)
How does it feel to vomit your season?
Sincerely (added that too),
Hi, “Ryan.” First of all, let me tell you I appreciate your twitteresque efficiency when it come to the written word. Most people must utilize several lines of text before revealing themselves as jackasses devoid of constructive thought, a feat you alone can accomplish in eight words. Bravo! And using the word “vomit” instead of its lesser urban descriptors (barf, puke, etc) definitely showcases your post-10th grade education. So kudos to you! No toothbrush toilet scrubbing for “Ryan!” I didn’t realize they had Internet access at your temporary-just-until-your-screenplay-about-frogs-takes-off job at the Mini-Mart. And your generalizations! I applaud you on your ability (one shared by several, mind you- a fact I must point out so that you don’t think I’m applauding any creativity) to lump an entire season into a one-month Soxsplosion. That must be very freeing. Like that time you were canned from Taco Bell for never showing up to work, yet thought it all had to do with jealousy over your screenplay’s recent near success at the local writer’s guild critique at Golden Corral. It must be very freeing to, instead of concentrating on your life as a whole (yikes) series of failures, be able to fixate on that last mini-failure. It probably helps keep the cold, cold despair from trickling out of your eyelids on those blind dates that have been less and less frequent lately. Now, to answer your question: Frankly, “Ryan,” it sucks.
Sincerely, (<- see what a positive punch that one little adverb can have, “Ryan?”)
Next, let’s cross over to the Midwest and hear from John. John says he’s from Michigan. See, I’m thrilled to hear from someone from Michigan. Thrilled. Because it’s 29 degrees outside. And I bet you’re colder, John. Thank you for that.
I am excited to have Daniel Bard start. I think it’s a good move, but I see you keep saying mistake. What other choice do we have, (I added the comma) really?
Dear John (hah! I feel like I’m in a bad Nicholas Sparks novel all of a sudden. I kind of don’t want to leave the parenthesis because then cruel, cruel reality will set in…),
Daniel Bard has done this starting thing before, remember? I believe an appropriate summation would be the following hyphenated term: Mega-fail. He wasn’t just inefficient. He was bad. He was like, Lackey-in-an-important-game bad.
Additionally, he has already shown that pressure gives him more than hives. It gives him the temporary title of “Crazy Pitch.”
We’re already shifting Alfredo Aceves- who, I might add, is the epitome of versatility. You take out Aceves AND Bard and you’re just asking for trouble. A bullpen without badassery is just… well… a fence.
I’m a fan of leaving Bard EXACTLY where he is. Bullpen super star. I think “Crazy Pitch” was flukey this fall and, while I am confident that flukes aren’t permanent- that doesn’t mean I trust him at something as crucial as closing, either. He needs a hot second to warm up to badassery and closers don’t have the hot second. They are the hot second. Bard is just not up to hot second snuff. Let’s pop him in the bullpen and watch what happens.
What other choice do we have? We have all the choices in the world, John. We have, right now, Clay. We have Beckett. We have Aceves. We have Lester. We have Miller- but I think he’s bullpenable too. We have the capability of snatching someone. It’s a long off-season. And don’t count out Doubrant, who is much more startable (look at Triple A) than Bard. I think Ben Cherington is making a big mistake by not making big moves. The more we stall, the more terrible the answer to the question- What other choice do we have?- becomes. Am I the only one holding out an ounce of Dice-K hope?
A girl that’s into sports. I never thought I would meet one. You are awesome.
A girl that’s into sports. You still haven’t met one. This is the Internet, Jason. I could be a Tibetan monk with an I-phone. Or a rebellious Amish blacksmith or something with a record-setting beard. You don’t know.
We both do, however, know that I am awesome. Thanks for further bringing my awesomeness to my attention. Sometimes I think I’ll forget.
Dear Too Soxy,
You talk smack about Manny, but he’s the Sox’s golden child. So when you talk smack about Manny, you’re talking smack about the Sox. Think about that.
I was extremely disappointed to find you’re not nearly as peppy as your name implies. Seriously. Sunny is a name that evokes positivity. Optimism. I have decided to call you Cloudy. Cloudy McManny. I think that’s more appropriate. And I like adding “mc” to things. Let me start this again:
Dear Cloudy McManny,
Thank you so much for reading. It’s wonderful to know that out of all the Sox sites in all the world, you’ve stumbled into mine.
As far as talking “smack” about Manny, while it’s true I have made some extremely spot-on observations, the “smack” is what Ramirez is injecting into those obnoxiously veiny arms of his. And, the truth is in the juice. He got caught post-Sox. Therefore, I’m talking shit (much better term than “smack” now that I’ve told you what “smack” really means, right?) about the post-Sox Manny.
At least as far as steroids are concerned.
Sox Manny was a jackass. A point I have been on the record about pre- and post- Sox ouster. I take extreme issue with players who simply don’t want to play. Manny wanted to prank. Manny wanted to pose. But Manny didn’t want to play. Good riddance.
And seriously- how many bridges does Manny have to burn before baseball says no?
And, with that beep, my day just got worse.
Think of me, Soxies.
PS- make your letters LONGER. Shoot them to firstname.lastname@example.org
The internet seems SURPRISED that Jacoby Ellsbury didn’t win MVP.
Really internet? Really? Don’t you get that NOTHING IS WORKING FOR US RIGHT NOW? Nothing!
I mean, you could say I was SURPRISED at September Soxsplosion.
That was surprising, right?
Oh! And when Terry Francona left. That was surprising.
When Theo left… that was… um… startling.
Oh! And Curt Young left.
That was… um…
And the other people… they were…
And Jonathan Papel—
Nothing surprises me about Soxpocalypse, 2011.
My surprise nerve? It’s dead.
Kind of like my optimistic-about-Ben-Cherington-nerve.
My thoughts on Valentine?
Indifference. You and I, Ben Cherington, we apparently have the same level of influence. I wanted Lovullo. You were like, whatever. You wanted Sveum. They were like whatever.
I’m looking for new jobs. See, this is important, Ben Cherington. Because it has to be the right job. Remember that time you took a job and then your bosses nixed your ideas in your first month? And it was kind of humiliating and made us all agree with Shaughnessy about something? I don’t want that to happen to me. New jobs in Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill. I am this specific in case you know something, internet friends. In case you know ANYTHING. email@example.com.
You know what else is important? PAYING YOUR HOUSEKEEPERS, Manny Ramirez. Manny Ramirez news is always fun.
Yeah. So. Mondays suck.
Jon Lester. 15-day disabled list.
John Lackey. On another kind of DL.
The DENIAL List.
And no. I’m not talking about a river in Egypt.
But who is in greater denial? John Lackey, who has an ERA of OVER 7.4, allows 7 runs in like three innings AND then says things like ““Overall, my arm felt pretty good?”
Or Theo Epstein, for STILL holding on to his $85 mill investment? An investment that is making the 2008 economic collapse look like a checking error.
Despite BUZZ to the contrary, he’s still around. Or maybe we’ve just ALLLLLL got our JLs mixed up. JOHN LACKEY, God. NOT JON LESTER.
Perhaps we should have all been more clear. That’s the last time I close my eyes and wish with initials alone.
“Maybe,” coworker-who-barely-knows-what-baseball-is says, to stop me from continuing ANOTHER John Lackey rant, “This Ted Epstein doesn’t have cable.”
I don’t have cable.
“Maybe,” exasperated coworker says, “He’s not as tech savvy as you with the internets.” (yes, we say the internets, plural, in THIS office)
He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars.
“Maybe,” dead-inside-coworker says, “He has better things to do than fire pitchers.”
He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars to do this.
“Maybe,” bleary-eyed coworker says, “You should save this for your blog.”
But, I already blogged about John Lackey. Like… ALL THE TIME.
And then he told me to shut up. Me. I know. The nerve of SOME PEOPLE.
PS- MORE STEROID NEWS. Awesome. They should call today WednesROIDday.
Alex Rodriguez’ doctor pleaded guilty today in federal court for… *drum roll* bringing drugs from Canada… including *another drum roll* HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!
Awesome. Thanks, guys. For CONTINUALLY throwing the juice in America’s face.
Other athletes on…
the DENIAL List:
Johnny Damon (I’m still relevant! Hall of Fame, hear I come!)
Andy Pettitte (Roger is my BEST friend)
Derek Jeter (I’m still in the game!)
Jason Giambi (Wow, people sooooooo care about what I have to say)
Coco Crisp (This hairstyle is a GREAT look for me!)
Tiger Woods (I can change!)
Dale Earnhardt Jr (It’s a real sport. Really.)
The US Women’s Soccer Team (People are sooooo watching us on television right now. Sad but true, people. )
Maxim Lapierre (Je suis étonnant!)
Dirk Nowitzki (I have normal arms. Really. You guyyyssssss)
Jorge Posada (I could totally play another five years)
Manny Ramirez (This will ALLLL blow over)
Alex Rodriguez (They ALLLLL want to be my girlfriend)
The Cubs (It will happen our lifetime, guys!)
Got anymore? I’m trying to compile an official list. Then I’ll move onto actors. That means you, Nicholas Cage!