I don’t even want to go to work, you guys.
I think my coworkers are jackassy enough to make me a sympathy card.
Youktastic- The new word for ultimate, shoddy, heartbreaking betrayal with a side of suck that can best be expressed by the cult classic, Bloodhound Gang.
I didn’t mean that. That was harsh.
Yeah. I think I meant both of those.
I’m going to go eat ice cream for breakfast.
PS- signs your boyfriend is starting to get it:
“Well, at least you got to see him one more time before he, you know.”
There really aren’t words.
Well. They are. But I am an adult now. And I’m trying not to SAY those words, see.
I’ve had some time to process. To process that thing. You know. The one I will LINK to, but not say out loud.
There are a lot of emotions right now. Anger. Heartache. Anger. Despair. Anger.
And to find out this way.
I was working a corporate event on no sleep and a hallucinatory caffeine buzz. Go back to office. Open email. Get a “haha” email from a coworker with a Link. This link.
I know what this is, guys. It’s me.
It’s my new job. The new job where I’m making actual money.
The kind you read about. The kind people put in banks.
Like real banks.
Not the kind your sister rules in plastic when you play monopoly.
Like a bank with papers. And ids. And signatures. And cash.
See, I think it’s clear what this is about.
Kevin Youkilis does not like working women.
He is threatened by a strong, career oriented woman. Career women who don’t have time to 100 percent fawn and cry and scream and curse and be fun. Working women who are busy doing things like ironing shirt collars and working and driving and putting actual gas in their car (like, the kind that fills it up, not the kind that goes to the halfway point. The kind that you pay with on the card because the $60 hold on your account won’t compete with your water bill). I’m finally happy and fulfilled and he just can’t stand it. He wants me all to himself, see. He thought he’d pitch a fit. Leave me for the fricking White Sox. Thought that would bring me back. It almost worked, Youkie. It did. But then another project came along and I got busy and… and…
Nope. Still can’t say it.
You’re like Mr. Banks from Mary Poppins. “You know how Mr. Banks hates the cause…”
I would think that you would be proud of me, Youkie. My readers are. Seriously. So many of them have emailed me to see if I’m okay, alive (a few thought the season killed me). They EMAILED ME. They didn’t send me a nuclear bomb of vomit. That’s what you did to me today, Kevin. You sent me a nuclear bomb of vomit.
In the form of…
Nope. Still can’t say it.
I don’t think he’ll do it, guys. I don’t think-
Seriously. I am happier than I have ever been. I have an amazing boyfriend. I-
Oh God. That’s it, isn’t it? You think just because Matt moved in last month (Matt moved in last month! I live with a boy! I live with a boy and sometimes I wash dishes! Well. Um. I have washed a dish! Um. It was a cup. Um. I have a dishwasher. Um. Well. I threw the plastic cup away. Um.) that I don’t have room in my life for you. You did this, Kevin Youkilis. When you left me for Chicago.
What? You didn’t think I’d move on? You didn’t think I could find someone else? Someone taller? Um. SOMEONE WHO CAN REACH THINGS AND CHANGE LIGHT BULBS AND LISTENS TO TAYLOR SWIFT WITH ME SOMETIMES DURING CELEBRITY REHAB COMMERCIALS?????
You NEVER listened to Taylor Swift with me, Kevin Youkilis.
Maybe I want you to go to…
Nope. Still can’t say it.
I’LL CHANGE! I will quit my job! And wear an apron! And wash your dishes!
You know what, Youkie? Do what you want. You’re irrelevant. And your feet are stupid.
Anyone who can’t support me and my career and my goals and dreams (I have goals and dreams now, guys!) can go to…
I didn’t mean that.
YES I DID.
I can’t say it.
You know who can say it?
As for my readers,
I miss you.
I miss baseball.
I do not, will not, won’t ever… MISS BOBBY Valentine.
Oh. And regarding Farrell news, I DO have a statement.
(Interestingly enough, the above link references the job I have RIGHT NOW)
Won’t be another two months. I promise. The nonfunny truth is, my job is really hard. It is really wonderful, but really hard, and required my complete focus. I’m starting to get a grip. Stay tuned.
In the meantime… be happy for me?
And ignore this Youkilis news. It shall go away. Yes. It shall.
He wouldn’t do that, people.
JEB WANTS this to happen. HE SAID SO ON FACEBOOK.
Kevin Youkilis’ ultimate betrayal. Oh. And someone thinks Mike Aviles is interesting. WHY, Youk?! WHY?
It is 5:23. Apparently, I’m not good at floor sleeping. Everything is packed. Everything is in a box. Or stacked. Or piled. Or something. And the movers will be here in three hours. I’m supposed to go to work (last day! last day!) in 3.5 hours. 12 hours from that, I’m supposed to go to the bar. 12 hours from that, I drive to Raleigh to sign a lease. Monday- stuff arrives. Tuesday- Work starts. I think it’s only appropriate that I leave this place as stressed out as when I got here just over two years ago…
I’d love to sleep for an hour. And nothing puts me to sleep like the 11-12 offseason! I mean, Roy Oswalt: The Indecision! It’s like narcolepsy inducer. So, here are some news briefs. They’re more for me than you.
Yay! Jon Lester news! Jon Lester is in Fort Myers being a badass. I’m glad the media can finally get past Soxsplosion and actually report on something positive for a… oh.
Though he was named as one of the fried chicken-and-beer trio, Lester was among the first players to address the situation back in October. And now he is in camp, working hard, looking lean, and excited about the coming season.
OF COURSE. Can’t compliment you without a KFC throwback…
Apparently, he’s “setting an example” and already working with… wait for it… DICE-K!!!!
Rich Hill is coming back from Tommy John surgery. Remember when he broke?
This isn’t working. I’m not tired yet. Are you tired?
So, the Red Sox have their own plane. John Henry, you are rich. Why hasn’t this already happened?
Oh, look! An article on Mike Aviles. That’s new.
Red Sox fans likely will never forget their team’s epic collapse in 2011.
It was bad enough that Boston blew a nine-game lead on the Rays for the wild card in September, missing the playoffs. But there also were reports of pitchers Jon Lester, John Lackey and Josh Beckett drinking beer and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse during games. Terry Francona, the ultimate players’ manager, supposedly lost the team, and then his job. Wonder boy general manager Theo Epstein would leave town, too, off to the Cubs.
Seriously??? THAT is how you open a Mike Aviles article? Thanks for the reminder, champ. Thanks.
However, during the debacle, there was also a rebirth. For the first time in a long time, Red Sox infielder Mike Aviles, a 1999 Middletown graduate, felt wanted.
He’s not going to cry, is he?
“I think Boston did wonders for me in only a short period of time,” said Aviles, who will report next week to Boston’s spring training facility in Fort Myers, Fla. “I was grateful for the opportunity Kansas City gave me. I had to scratch and claw for every at-bat in Kansas City, and I had to in Boston, too. But in Boston, it just seemed like they wanted me to play when I did. That makes a person feel wanted.
“It got to a point in Kansas City that I did everything I could, but it wasn’t good enough. Coming to Boston was a blessing in disguise.”
Hey! It’s working!
I think I’ll actually be able to…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The happy couple, who spent Super Bowl week together with the Brady clan in Indy, got engaged “recently” after dating for at least a year, we’re told from a few F.O.Ys.
My feelings can best be expressed through the following clip:
I will NEVER go to sleep now. DAMNIT, Youkie.
Don’t put me through this AGAIN.
Maybe… Maybe it’s not serious. I mean, she lives in California, right?
In fact, the future Mrs. Youk, a schoolteacher, and her daughter, Jordan, 5, will move to Florida from California when the third baseman reports to spring training later this month.
Seriously, Youk. What’s with you and Tom Brady’s sisters? First reports of NANCY. Now reports of JULIE? If my brother cried and botched games, would you love me? Because it can be arranged, sir. IT CAN BE ARRANGED.
Maybe this is a sleep-deprived nightmare.
Maybe I can forget about this.
I’m going to go take a shower since I’m never sleeping again.
I hate change.
I will never love again.
Today’s the day I decide my immediate future. And we all know how much I suck at making decisions. And there’s waiting involved this time. And other assorted patience-testing factors. Apparently I’m a patience fail.
So, I’m trying to distract myself at work.
But I can’t distract myself at work, see, because it’s a slow news day. And because work is entwined in all this inner turmoil waiting drama.
So instead, I’ll read interviews with Kevin Youkilis over and over. Oh, Youkie, how I’ve missed you…
Now that Youkie’s back, I feel like everything’s going to be okay again.
What sage, smart advice. I’m going to print that out and put it on my “goodbye” notes at work.
And he’s better, guys! He’s better- he’s back- and he’s Youktastic (I’m trying to get that word to catch on since Posada ruined my last trend).
“I’ve been cleared,’’ he said. “For the past two weeks, I’ve felt great, my whole body. There are little things here and there, this time of year, you have to get going and ramp it up. I’ve started to ramp up as much as I can, and I feel great, healthy, lifting with no restrictions.’’
No restrictions, eh?
I know a gal who loves you that’s moving in two weeks. And she has heavvvvvy couches…
And, craziness, he was Beantown for a Youk’s kids event that featured Gavin DeGraw- of “Sweet Chariot” and “Not over you” acclaim… the same Gavin DeGraw who was in Boone last November. This is crazy, see- because I’ve been having these really weird dreams- kind of heavily Gavin with a little Youk thrown in. Very strange, considering I was lapse in my Youk news and didn’t know they were together. It’s like one of them is trying to contact me!
I keep dreaming he’s back in Boone and I’m interviewing him and we have these deep conversations. I bet Gavin and Youkie have deep conversations. I bet Youkie has SUCH deep conversations. Right. Back to Gavin DeGraw. Who I am now following on Twitter.
Gavin shows are a blast- probably best concert I’ve covered in the past two years (save Patti Lupone. Nothing can beat Patti Lupone)- so, if you have the opportunity to go (esp if it’s at a smallish venue like Farthing Auditorium)- do it. Do it now. If I get bored later (and Delaware still hasn’t called about the job and/or I’m still agonizing over Delaware vs Raleigh), I’ll go into a little more dream detail. Youk was there. You might have been too, actually…
So. Um. Know any good jokes? Any good Youk memories? DISTRACT ME, PLEASE.
Roy Oswalt might not be INTERESTED in us? Are we not pretty enough for you, Roy? Because I’m pretty enough for all of you.
So much news to report when you’re avoiding your own life-altering decisions! Now they’re saying Roy Oswalt has been made an offer. So, um, does this mean we could have the handy-dandy Oswalt-Jackson combo of badassery? Because I’m good at math see. And TWO is always better than ONE.
The Sox have made Oswalt an offer, according to CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman, but it’s reportedly unclear whether he’s interested in joining the team.
Seriously? YOU could be rejecting US? You realize that our management has rejected… um… almost everyone BUT you, right?
Wait… wait, wait… rejecting us for… Cincinnati???? Seriously?
See, this is kind of a big deal, Roy Oswalt. You could be… um… the ONLY big move we’ve made um… ALL OFFSEASON.
Reject us. Hah.
I’ll show you rejection. I’ll reject your rejection, you mess with me.
I’m going to wikipedia you. I’m going to wikipedia you hard, Roy Oswalt.
Oswalt is known as one of the faster workers in baseball in terms of time between pitches. Despite his small frame, he is one of baseball’s hardest hurlers, and frequently appears among the league leaders in innings pitched.
Oswalt throws four primary pitches. His fastball is consistently between 92 miles per hour (148 km/h) and 94 miles per hour (151 km/h), occasionally touching 95 miles per hour (153 km/h) to 97 miles per hour (156 km/h); he throws a high percentage of fastballs and is known to be very aggressive, at times throwing multiple fastballs in a row into the strike zone. He throws an overhand curveball at a speed of approximately 70 miles per hour (110 km/h) that is thrown with three fingers over the seams. Oswalt also throws a Vulcan changeup in the low 80s, which he added to his repertoire during the 2010 offseason, and a slider in the mid-80s.
What the frick is a Vulcan changeup?
You won a gold medal. That’s neat. Um. Okay.
Wikipedia, you seriously need to work on putting more personal information on baseball players on your website. How can I ridicule Oswalt into accepting our offer if I don’t know his character weaknesses and dating history????
Your pitching flaw, at least, is evident.
Oswalt is currently considered to be among the elite pitchers in the National League.
The NATIONAL League. Yeah. That kind of doesn’t count, Roy Oswalt. The ALE is a whole different ballgame. Esp now. Hmmm. I don’t blame you for the wide-eyed fear you probably feel. But you’ll like Boston, Roy. You really will. I mean, I’m not in Boston, a flaw with the city that haunts Kevin Youkilis to this day, but there are other neat things. Like bars. And your new teammates like beer, apparently, so you’ll never Happy Hour alone. Oh! And Boston is the setting of Cheers, like, the greatest show of all time. So you’ll always have Ted Danson. And you could jog along the Cape with a puppy and pretend you’re a Kennedy. See? So many great things about Boston. And there’s, apparently, a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and maybe you’d get to meet Mitt Romney.
Now that I have swayed you, you should really call Benny C back asap. Before he goes bargain binning and gets like seven more mediocre versions of you. Because he’ll do it. Just ask Jed Lowrie.
And I know how difficult this is, Roy. I have a lucrative job offer on the table too. I get it. But, see, it doesn’t get any better than Boston. Just ask David Ortiz.
Snow. Youkilis. And Tek. But there’s so much snow, guys. SO. MUCH. SNOW. It’s 11 degrees. ELEVEN. That’s significant, Spinal Tap fans. So I’m distracted. Bear with me. You know. Polar bears have a lot of fur. I need a new electric blanket. Or an electric coat. Do they have electric coats?
My thoughts on life today can best be expressed in this clip from Gilmore Girls. That’s right. Gilmore Girls.
There are SNOWNADOS. Did you know that?
They come at you with a frigid, frigid cruelty. Barreling at your car and making you cry on the way to work.
I fishtailed ALLLLLLL the way to work today in a 2009, hatchback version of this.
I hate snow so much that I updated the “about me” page to reflect this intense, intense sensation.
I hate snow. And I hate snow drivers.
The geniuses that the North Carolina mountains produce decided it would be a good idea to keep passing on my left. I mean, I 360-ed twice. But sure. I’m sure I’ll miss you, giant jackass SUV with your stupid 4wd and your stupid, stupid, stupid snow tires.
That’s just showing OFF.
The Chevy that can’t is begggggging me not to move to Mass. And I think God is concurring, what with his snow vomit of discouragement. Seriously. It’s been snow vomiting alllllll day. And I have to drive 15 mile to get home. And I hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate weather.
So I’m sitting here, at the office my boss encouraged me to leave (because all of a sudden we’re concerned about my safety. Can’t afford orange traffic vests, folks.)
Procrastinating. I think I just saw Mrs. Gulch fly by. She sure looks cold.
I need a coat with a zipper.
Oh! And boots.
I had an accident with my yak tracks today. I don’t want to talk about it.
In Red Sox news, I am not the only one who appreciates Kevin Youkilis today. Take time out of your snowy schedules to read these wise, wise, wise words posted on redsox.com today.
When Youkilis is healthy, he might be the most valuable piece in Boston’s batting order. He wears down pitchers and also comes up with substantial production. I’ve heard Youkilis is having a very good winter of training, and the hope is that he can avoid the late-season breakdowns of the past two years. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Red Sox missed the postseason both years that Youkilis missed signficant time late in the season.
I took the liberty of bolding the important part for you.
Doesn’t sound like trade fodder to me, naysayers.
Oh god… the snow just made a noise. Seriously. I heard it through the window.
I think it’s saying my name.
Here’s some news that might melt our troubled, troubled hearts-
VARITEK COULD BE BACKKKKKKK?
(Ohmygod, I heard it again. It. Is. Alive. Ohmygod. I think I saw a snowmonkey. Snowmonkeys aren’t real. They’re not real. They’re not… Oh god, its EYES!!!! Relax, Lauren. Stay cool. Focus on Tek. Tek will protect you…)
Where was I?
Got that, people? JON HEYMAN. H-E-Y-M-A-N.
If Tek does not make a triumphant return, blame Nick Cafardo and JON HEYMAN for your dreams crushing.
(Oh god… it’s snowing harder. Keep typing Lauren! Keep typing! Ward off the frostbite)
Jacoby Ellsbury is getting a raise…
(Oh god… the snownado has a face! It’s looking at me! Oh no! It’s looking at me!)
I’m sorry guys. I can’t keep doing this. There’s something I must do…
If I don’t…
If I don’t…
Just know that…
Well… I always…
You know what? Just make up something clever and tell everyone I said it, k?
We’ll always have Soxsplosion. Here’s looking at you, kid.
This never happens in FLORIDA.
Okay. That was SO not a squirrel.
Nick Punto is a BACK UP, people. A BACK UP. I have gotten two e-mails today on how he could push my precious, amazing husband, Kevin Youkilis out of the lineup.
Will not happen. And I refuse to read any more blogs that try to frighten me. If I want to be frightened, I will watch the news. Or read about ebola or something.
Youkilis will NOT be traded. I know this.
Because, see, God and I had a conversation…
Back to the topic at hand, Nick Punto has a great name. An absolutely great name. Punto. I love it. He has just nabbed a 2-year, $3 million deal.
And I’m happy with him. Thrilled with him. He’s like Jed Lowrie, but will require less bandaids.
If, however, and this is a teeth-gritting if… if he leads to the trade of MY Kevin Youkilis, I will rain down such blogging venom that all the world will tremble and blink apostrophes.
So, Nick Punto. I think we have an understanding. Let’s learn about YOU! Hmm. You are old. You were born in 1977. You went to a place called Saddleback (hah) College. You were drafted by… ah… the Red Sox. Wiki, you are so helpful. You were one of four Twins nicknamed Piranhas. That’s great. If you don’t suck, that is what I will call you. Or Punty.
You played for the Phillies too…
You had time to play for a lot of teams, being around sine 1977…
Wow, you sucked in 2007. I remember 2007 being a swell year…
And you signed with the Cardinals this year.
Okay. I can deal with you, Punto.
AS LONG AS YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUKILIS.
PS- in crummy news, we are officially Darvishless.
So. Brian Cashman of Stankees infamy does have a redeeming quality: His taste in players. When asked to identify his favorite player to watch from another club, he only said what everyone was thinking.
“Kevin Youkilis probably. He really grinds out an at-bat and just kills you. He is so determined,” said Cashman. “You can pitch him in. You can hit him. Whatever. He just gets back in there and it’s sheer determination. It’s never a comfortable at-bat when you’re watching this guy try to do damage against your pitchers. He just finds a way to do it. I appreciate watching how he goes about his business and just how tenacious he is. A lot of these guys are very controlled in this sport, unlike football. But he’s got a tenaciousness that just oozes right through his bat, right there at the plate, and it’s pretty special to watch.”
He IS pretty special, isn’t he?
And, before you totally blink out of oppositeville, guess who Sox scout Galen Car said: DEREK JETER.
In good news, Captain Obvious’s messages are finally hitting home, as Alfredo Aceves is being conditioned to start in the Sox rotation.
The “I-told-you-so” chorus would be louder, but it is currently Papelgrieving, so…
There are also rumors that Bard’s being looked at for rotation. But that’s a bad idea. Why?
Were you watching baseball this summer? Do we really have to relive the pain? He’s a short-term pitcher with not a lot of inning depth- and his eyes bug out in pressure games. Let’s work him in the bullpen until he’s unJenksed, k?
And rumors are circulating about Matt Cain.
The MANAGER Search
And Torey Lovullo (ex Paw-Sox manager) and Gene Lamont (Tigers) are adding their names to the dating pool for the management gig. And I have a TooSoxy endorsement that may not be the most popular.
Yes, I know he’s a Jay- but just hear me out. Not only has he ALREADY had to deal with Sox drama (Paw Sox, yep, Paw Sox) AND is familiar with the players- he’s currently the righthand of John Farrell. Something HAS to have rubbed off. Darkhorse? Yes. Popular? No. Sveum? No. My choice? YES.
To be fair, Lamont and Sveum have also worked with the Sox- but in a bigger capacity- so they could already be tainted by Front Office whimsy. It all makes sense in my head, see.
Besides, the killer is always the person you least suspect. And NO ONE suspects Lovullo.
And, since I know how much my opinion means to you, America- start reaquainting yourself to Clam Chowder, New England style, Lovullo. And the rest of you, start learning to spell his name. THREE Ls, people. Come on.
So. Paps is out. But that doesn’t mean we have to lose the rest of our hopes and dreams. There’s Jason Varitek, and FireBrand says it’s time to let go:
Based on what you can expect from a 40-year old catcher, it might best to move on. It’s Lavarnway time but it’s always great to remember how important Varitek has been to the Boston Red Sox and how lucky we were to have him.
TooSoxy has a different opinion.
We’ll never let go, will we, Soxies? (Yes. I went there)
So he’s no spring chicken (Is it too soon for chicken jokes?). Tek needs to retire in a Sox uniform. He’s more than a glove. He’s a leader. I say slide him into Curt Young’s vacancy. He’s more than the catcher. He’s the captain. And after what we’ve been through, we need stability, continuity and JASON VARITEK.
David Ortiz. If Tek is the soul of the Sox, Ortiz is its heart. And he’s not going ANYWHERE. Right, Ben Cherington? Right?
“There’s some interesting guysout there that could factor into our right-field mix,” said Cherington. “A lot of that depends again on David. If David’s here, we’re going to go in a certain direction with the outfield. If he’s not here, it sort of opens it up a little bit. There’s alternatives, both in free agency and in a trade market for guys that can play right field.”
Is anyone else NOT comforted by that?
Theo Epstein is really gone. Really, really. And, even though HE CAN’T SEEM TO SHUT UP AND LET GO… we have to.
“How do you describe a death spiral?” he said. “We knew we had issues going into September (even though) we were on pace for 100 wins. We just couldn’t stop bleeding. A lot of things happened at the same time. We lost a few key guys to injury, a few guys had a significant downturn in their performance, and all of a sudden we looked up and we didn’t have enough pitching.”
“There weren’t players getting drunk during games. And it wasn’t widespread — it might have been one, two, three guys,” Epstein said.
Stop talking! You are making it worse!
I think this is alllllll part of the plan to steal our manager candidates.
And, in bizarrely horrific news, remember the Washington Nationals catcher kidnapped in Venezuela? (This really happened) He’s been rescued.
What is the world coming to?
So much news. Anyone else’s eyes rolling around in their heads?
TooSoxy has Twitter
And, in the most exciting news news of the weekend, we officially have a Twitter page. Tweet me. Tweet me like you’ve never Tweeted before.
So, thoughts people! Manager search! Ortiz! Tek! Who should stay? Who should go? Who should be kidnapped next in Venezuela (too soon, Lauren. Too soon)? Onward to the caffiene.
Yes. So we all needed a good cry/Fiona Apple angst marathon after what can only be called the nauseating icing on a crapcupcake of a game… (Avilles, REALLY???? REALLY???)
But now that we’ve had our moment. Our breath. Our private walk punching session. Now that the Neosporin is starting to cool off our bandaged knuckles… it’s time to put things into perspective.
Sweet, sweet perspective.
And that perspective says:
At least we’re not Cleveland.
Over Labor Day weekend, 10 of the ablest minds at Grantland briefly stopped typing their own names into a Google search bar and devoted themselves to a sad question: Which city’s fan base is enduring the roughest stretch in sports right now? Where should the sympathetic among us direct our pity? Or, for the cruel at heart, our Schadenfreude?
Check it out. It’s how I almost smiled today. Thaanks, JEB.
PS- If I get off work (60 percent chance!), join me at 7 for a live victory blog. <-positivity. Let’s try it.
You know, Wakey, maybe you should stop thinking about 200 as a milestone. Shoot for 500. FIVE HUNDRED. Then, see, you have 301 games that don’t matter, really, in the grand scheme of the milestone. It’s psychological. Write it on your mirror or something. It can only help. FIVE HUNDRED.