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Posts Tagged ‘David Ortiz’

Sox sign teenager. Benny C will do ANYTHING to keep beer out of the clubhouse.

February 8, 2012 9 comments

What a ridiculous news day.

In a move that has this song in my head all day-

-Ben Cherington adopted a child for us. His name is Daniel McGrath and he’s 17. And now the Red Sox are his daddy.

DANIEL McGrath is 17. Yesterday he earned a $400,000 sign-on bonus after agreeing to a seven-year contract with the Boston Red Sox. Yes, the Boston Red Sox.

”It’s always been a dream of mine to play major leagues for the Boston Red Sox,” said Daniel, who used to watch games at the famed Fenway Park with his American-born mother, Dale.

”It’s a seven-year contract and hopefully I’ll be in the big league in that time. It’s just the start of the journey and I’m going to have to work really hard to make it,” he said.

Daniel McGrath. Hmmm. It’s the 5th highest $$$ signing out of the 435 Aussies signed to play. Don’t worry. He’ll “complete year 12″ before Soxing it to spring training next year. And, hey, maybe the beer store will start carding. So, there’s that.

Maybe that’s Benny’s plan. Import people who CAN’T buy beer for the clubhouse.

It doesn’t say how he got his super powers… but I think we all know where that 150 km/hr fastball pitch REALLY came from.

Do you think he’ll introduce us to Gary Busey?

In other news, Trot Nixon is heading this Hall of Fame class… but the REAL news is that he went to New Hanover High School in Wilmington. Did YOU know that? I’ve been there like, a bazillion times. It’s the high school that every movie/tv show uses when they film in North Carolina- a high school I became acquainted with during my actor days. And, apparently, Trot Nixon could have been in the same town. You’d think that someone would have told me.

Oh! Oh! Oh! But there’s more news!

Giving us yet another reason to roll our eyes at New York, Mayor Bloomberg called Boston “Loserville.” Really. Mr. Bloomberg, do you know what comeuppins are? Because they’re comeuppining in April. Loserville? Really? Tim Thomas? Are you going to stand for that? I’ll be checking Facebok later for your statement.

I will remember this, Mr. Bloomberg, and I will rub your snotty little New York nose in it on behalf of all New England (just don’t cry again, Tom Brady) in April. Seriously, footballians, stop crying. How many rings does New England have? Honestly. You’d think you were Michelle Kwan. And a silver medal isn’t THAT bad.

And stop. STOP. Pulling baseball fans into your web of depression with whiny reminders like:

If only Wes Welker caught the ball. If he had, the city of Boston would still be sweeping up the confetti and Tom Brady would be resting comfortably in the pantheon of football greats. We’d still think Giselle Bundchen was charming and we’d be practicing dance moves to imitate Rob Gronkowski’s postgame partying. Eric Wilbur would be living a peaceful life.

Sound familiar? Sure does. In fact, it sounds a lot like last September.

SHUT. UP. Seriously, New England. You WON the Sandwich Monday Contest. Who NEEDS the Super Bowl?

Arbitration has been scheduled for Papi. Here’s to hoping it’s quick and painless!

I’m not the only one, btw, who rolled my eyes at Dan Shaughnessy yesterday. Our friends at Fenway West also voiced their whatevers at ya, Dan.

Speaking of rolling our eyes, the Roy Oswalt drama continues. And my eyes? They’re still rolling. You’d think they’d get tired.

So, kiddies, what do you think? Teenagers. Papi. Roy Oswalt. I’d like to hear your thoughts of the whole mess that is the Red Sox offseason.

~L

Oswalt, no one cares about you. It’s my birthday.

February 7, 2012 6 comments

Roy Oswalt and the Sox have no “traction.” That’s what’s being reported today. Again. I care about this… oh… as much as I did LAST week when a similar report surfaced. Oh. And the week before. And the week before. And… tell me, was this Oswalt crap going on THE WEEK BEFORE THAT?

You know what’s more interesting than ANYTHING you have to say, Roy Oswalt? This morning’s Bleacher Report on the five players under the most pressure.

Got me thinking. The five- the Beckster, A-Gonz, Carl Crawfail, Papi and Bardlebutt. And, since I’m a Sox fan, a cynic and in an irritated mood today, obviously, my thought is the following question:

WHICH ONE OF THE FIVE WILL CAVE FIRST? My guess is Daniel Bard.

What do you think?

And what do you think our most controversial offseason move has been thus far? I’m going to go with Marco Scutaro…

—-

In other news, the Patsies are still sobbing Giant tears. So, this morning, Shaughnessy tries to make us feel better by telling us the Red Sox failures are worse. Gee, thanks, Danny.

Speaking of the Patsies, I know I haven’t done an ASK TOO SOXY in awhile, but I got a super cute e-mail yesterday. Ahem:

Dear Lauren,

I can’t believe you John Denvered (Hah. I did that, didn’t I? Oh, the cleverness of me… I like that. I hope that catches on. John Denvered! Oh, classic) the Super Bowl. Do you know that most of your readers are Patriots fans? (I have readers?!) And you get really off topic. Reading your blog is ALREADY annoying (So is your face). Maybe you shouldn’t alienate the fan base you have left. If the Sox had lost to the Giants (um) you’d have a sappy, dramatic One Tree Hill song for us (you do read me! you do!), not John Denver. Maybe you owe your readers an apology.

Cash

Brian Cashman, are you an inner New England fan?! I never knew! See, the usual me would mock you for your mixed sports similes and ponder at why you, a good speller, has so much fricking free time. I’d thank you over and over again for your clearly obsessive fanship of my blog and probably send you a commemorative silver star in my mind. But you’re right. The new me should be more sensitive. Should humor you. After all. I am 28-years-old today. Much more mature than yesterday’s 27. So. No John Denver. Here you go. This is me humoring you. And your humiliating, humiliating, excruciating Brady (that’s my new word for LOSS. It’s a verb AND a noun) yesterday. I mean, I did expect you guys to Brady to the Giants. But maybe I should have been more sensitive when you Bradyed. So. It’s just one Brady, after all. I mean, it’s a pretty super Brady. And Madonna was watching. But really, she slept with A-Rod. Her credibility is shot. But I loved her outfit. Did you love her outfit? Life is a mystery… Sing it, blondie. Sing it. Right. Back to you. And your team’s humiliating, nationally televised Brady. Let’s all sway to Joseph Arthur. Who was NOT in an episode of One Tree Hill.

Here. Stare at this while that song is playing for the full effect, k?

So, Soxies, happy my birthday to you. I hope it’s filled with sunshine and wins. You know. And not Bradys.

~L

How ya doin’ this morning, Tom Brady?

February 6, 2012 5 comments

I’d like to dedicate this song to Mr. Tom Brady.

I’d continue to harass you about your devastating loss to New York last night, Tom, but if TMZ is correct, you have enough problems this morning, don’t you, tough guy?

Click here, Pats fans. This will make it all better.

Congrats to PAUL for winning the TooSoxy Super Bowl contest and rightfully predicting the Brady smackdown.

While it was fun to watch the close up of sad eyes through the helmet (TB, I’m talking to YOU!)… I couldn’t actually sit through the Eli Manning dance…

Anywho, back to the GOOD part of New England- the RED SOX.

Yay, Red Sox.

—-

Reports come out today that Jason Varitek is still “deliberating.”

“He’s deliberating what he wants to do,’’ said his agent, Scott Boras.

And that deliberation has to include the very difficult reality of possible retirement.

Varitek will be 40 years old on April 11. In his heart, he believes he can still play. His body feels as good as it has in a long time. So why quit now?

That probably is his mind-set, but the reality is that there is no room on the Red Sox roster for him.

Whatever, Nick Cafardo!

But seriously, what Scott Boras SHOULD be doing? Sorting out a way for the Cap to coach. Or buying balloons for the retirement party. Please don’t send Tek to Minnesota.

Tek shouldn’t have to fight for a roster spot. I really hope that’s not the route this takes…

—-

Speaking of our classics, David Ortiz is saying he really wants to avoid arbitration. Really, Papi? Because there’s a really easy way to avoid arbitration. Don’t arbitrate!

—-

And Roy Oswalt drama is STILL going on? Seriously?

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A sad analysis that Josh Beckett 2011 will return in 2012.

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And apparently we could trade for Jason Bartlett, who, as the Bleacher Report points out today, would be a terrible, terrible idea.

Bartlett managed a batting line of .245/.308/.307/.615 in 2011.  His worst full season in his career.  If that isn’t bad enough, he broke his own record by beating his previous worst career season, which came in 2010.  His batting line then was .254/.324/.350/.675.

Hey, you know who WAS NOT having a record bad season? Marco Scutaro. Let’s see if he’s available to shortstop.

—-

In unadulterated wallowing fashion, Over The Monster has released its collection of the worst baseball moments of 2011.

The Red Sox were going to win the World Series. At least that was the prediction before the season started. After all, they signed Adrian Gonzalez. And Carl Crawford. And the pitching rotation was healthy. All signs pointed to destruction and devastation of any team that could potentially stand in their way.

Oh, how wrong that prediction felt in April.

This is too depressing to keep quoting.

Yuck.

I made my own list, if you’ll recall, last year. Here it is, if you didn’t get a chance to marvel.

On that note, have a happy Monday! I’ll be 28 tomorrow. Do you think I’ll feel like an adult?

~L

PS- If you like politics, you will giggle at the comparison between the Curse of the Bambino and Mitt Romney, made by Matthew Dowd at the National Journal:

The legendary Curse of the Bambino fell upon the Boston Red Sox when they sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees in the 1919-1920 season. The Red Sox went nearly a century after that without winning another World Series. The curse was lifted in 2004. But could it then have moved on to haunt another team? A political team?

Dear Roy Oswalt, We’re through. Sincerely, Lauren

February 1, 2012 2 comments

It’s JUST like this:

If you don’t love us, LET US GO, Roy Oswalt.

Roy Oswalt is still mulling offers. And we “still have a shot” with him. What-thefrick-ever.

I no longer care. This guy must have a bigger ego than Prince Fielder.

I get mulling your options. I do. But I’m not a fan of people who drag others along for their ride to nowhere-ville. I have girlfriends whose men (and I use that term lightly) pull the same shit, Roy. You, Roy, are not the bees’ knees. You are not Pedro Martinez. You are not Mike Lowell. And you are NOT (let me repeat) NOT Kevin Youkilis. So slide off your high horse and get back on the track with the rest of us. You can’t do that, can you? You have to occupy OUR Google news alerts with your “will he, won’t he” bull shit.

So, Roy Oswalt, on behalf of Red Sox Nation, I rescind the offer. You are no longer welcome in Boston. Go home and don’t let the door hit you in the cup on your way out.

I don’t know if you KNOW this, Roy, dear, but we had this little morale issue last year. We had a couple attitude issues. Some chicken. Some beer. You know. And this season? Well, it’s time for an attitude adjustment. It’s time to up the ante and get our heads in the game. And if your head isn’t in Boston, WE DON’T WANT YOU.

Same to you, Edwin Jackson. Seriously. Instead of all these articles saying that you’re “unlikely” to sign with us, CUT THE CORD.

Stop building us up for rejection.

It’s like this:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO MAKE A FRICKING DECISION? I spent less time mulling MY offers and I guarantee you that you’re BOTH ending up with more moolah.

WHATEVER.

See, we don’t need you. Because DICE-K WARMED UP IN A BULLPEN THIS WEEK!!!!

It’s on now, suckas.

Our ship is coming in. Oh, yes.

So grab a life vest.

~L

PS- Speaking of irritation, our own big Papi may be sending us to an arbitration hearing. Blah. Whatever, I say. I’m just glad he’s on our boat.

 

 

 

Nick Cafardo and I agree on something. Oh, and this could be as good as it gets, folks.

January 17, 2012 11 comments

Nick Cafardo and I agree on one thing today. And that is Tim Wakefield.

Who- as I’ve said before- we shouldn’t just write off- despite the imaginary walker.

Not sure it’s safe to assume that his tenure with Boston is over. Even if they don’t sign him right now, what prevents them from bringing him back in May or June or even after the All-Star break if they need a starter? He could always be one of those half-season veteran pitchers.

That’s what I see for Tim. Tim’s a utility guy and a hero. He’s not the guy you parade around the mound for a milestone. He can still serve a purpose.

And every time we write him out- he comes back as a weapon.

Well, you know. Except for that one time. Okay, that several times over the summer.

But that wasn’t his fault, see. It was the number.

Numbers are scary beasts.

So. Here’s the deal, folks. Benny C is playing it… safe? Is that even the word for this? He’s certainly playing it oppositeville. Maybe he was hanging out with Michael Hill… they were playing chess, see, when all of a sudden… the board, it got struck by lightning, right? And their hair frizzed up. Oh! And then, something magical happened like that one time on Gilligan’s Island. They switched brains!!!!!

Or, maybe Benny C doesn’t know we have money.

Maybe he doesn’t read all the disparaging comments people make about how we’re moneybaggers and buy our championships and have a bazillion dollars.

Or maybe he’s busy arguing salaries with our six unsigned arbitration-eligible players: RHP Alfredo Aceves, INF Mike Aviles, RHP Andrew Bailey, RHP Daniel Bard, OF Jacoby Ellsbury and DH David Ortiz.

Or maybe he’s still playing with the rolly chair in what used to be Theo Epstein’s office.

Are we REALLY too broke for Roy Oswalt?

I do not understand how moving around payroll works. I understand that it’s how we lost Alex Rodriguez (blessing in disguise). I understand that the internet understands it better than I do-

…in order to sign the pitcher at his current asking price a corresponding roster move would have to made in order to free up payroll.

Can we unLackey ourselves or something? I mean, it’s not like he can play…

I am so confuzzled by our pseudo-poverty.

So, in other words- this could be as good as it gets- at least for now.

Provided we have Aceves in our rotation- how do we stack up- right now- as of Jan. 17? Because I’m not feeling the rotation strength. The real people we’ll be counting on- Lester, Beckett, Buccholz- they couldn’t pull us out of a Soxplosion. And now they’re starring in our comeback tour? I’m not feeling the pep today, folks.

—-

In other news- it always hurts when someone moves on. You know the relationship is over. You say you’re fine. But it’s like that Gavin DeGraw song-

I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m talking about

~L

Your daily injection! Braun’s still not talking about his syph-um… private medical issue. Oh. And Minka gets another gift basket.

December 30, 2011 2 comments

Ryan Braun, stalked by TMZ AGAIN today… once AGAIN offers no explanation for his PED test…

See, as I reported last week, I could totally buy the “private medical issue” excuse- provided you give us a little more of an explanation.

I mean, if someone accuses me of something horrible and immoral… like… um… puppy murder. Or homeless sleeping bag stealing. Or, you know, steroids… I fess up my alibi. Even if my alibi is something less than Lauren-y. Like. Um. A Gossip Girl marathon over ice cream and regret. I mean, embarrassing is better than puppy murder or steroids, right?

Ryan Braun… is it syphilis? You can tell us. Christopher Columbus had that, you know. It’s Hep C, isn’t it? Leprosy?

We all know my opinion on the ‘roid issue. For new readers- I say exactly what David Ortiz has said-

Ban ‘em for the whole year.”

Except I add a “forever.”

Give us SOMETHING, Ryan Braun. Apparently, there are people that look up to you. An excuse. Any excuse, really, would be better than the flaky attitude you’ve been flicking at us. There might be an explanation.

When Ortiz was accused (Jay, take note) he had ALREADY fessed up to an energy shake that he was unsure of.  Pre-emptively in 2007:

“I tell you, I don’t know too much about steroids, but I started listening about steroids when they started to bring that shit up, and I started realizing and getting to know a little bit about it. You’ve got to be careful. I used to buy a protein shake in my country. I don’t do that any more because they don’t have the approval for that here, so I know that, so I’m off of buying things at the GNC back in the Dominican (Republic). But it can happen anytime, it can happen. I don’t know. I don’t know if I drank something in my youth, not knowing it.”

You could say SOMETHING, Ryan Braun. Celebrities don’t get privacy, see. But you do get millions of dollars, hence the me-not-feeling-sorry-for-you.

Oh, Braun… that’s not a shadow following you around…

That’s an asterisk.

—-

In other ridiculous roidy news- Alex Rodriguez is OFF THE MARKET.

Thank GOD, the market says. Until the market examines the catch. That catch is Torrie Wilson who, judging from the pictures, may share A-Roid’s juicing hobby. I don’t see this working out. I mean, what if they BOTH see a reflective surface? Staring at that window pane could waste a whole day, guys. Alex, it is such a newsy week for you.

Does anyone else think that A-Roid’s hookups will be a reality show some day?

—-

And, to round out today’s irrelevant gossip, the gift baskets must have gotten expensive… because Derek Jeter is back with Minka Kelly. Let’s all take a deep breath and pretend to care.

There. Now, don’t we all feel dumber?

You’re welcome, America.

~L

PS- Speaking of steroids- interesting position on Jeff Bagwell- read it HERE.

Please don’t make me choose. Jacob versus Edward. Papi versus Youk. It’s a metaphor, people.

November 16, 2011 4 comments

Choosing didn’t work out so great for Bella.

(SPOILER ALERT)

She ended up glittery, ripped open and a teen mom.

Of course, she did get some nice clothes, a mansion and a car. And there’s that whole eternal life thing.

Fire Brand of the AL says I might have to choose: Papi, my family. My mascot. Versus Kevin Youkilis. The love of my fricking life.

Juliet chose. Remember that?

Didn’t work out so well, did it?

Nope. No matter which interpretation you grew up with.

But seriously. Claire Danes was flat. Wasn’t Clair Danes flat? She’s no Olivia Hussey.

Claire Danes was so rigid she might as well have been in this movie.

Which, according to my four-year-old niece, is actually great. So that argument holds no traction. Because she has good taste. She likes pineapples. So. There’s that.

Gnomes? Really?

But then there’s Shiri Applebee’s ABC Family classic, Pizza My Heart. Where “Juliet” gets to keep Romeo AND her family. And she’s a person and NOT a gnome.

Not only did she get both her metaphorical Papi and her metaphorical Youkilis- in the end, everyone gets pizza.

What can we learn from this, Soxies?

I think it’s obvious, don’t you?

Mellow Mushroom for lunch.

Please, Ben Cherington. Don’t make me choose.

I can’t. I love too deeply.

~L

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