What a ridiculous news day.
In a move that has this song in my head all day-
-Ben Cherington adopted a child for us. His name is Daniel McGrath and he’s 17. And now the Red Sox are his daddy.
Daniel McGrath. Hmmm. It’s the 5th highest $$$ signing out of the 435 Aussies signed to play. Don’t worry. He’ll “complete year 12″ before Soxing it to spring training next year. And, hey, maybe the beer store will start carding. So, there’s that.
Maybe that’s Benny’s plan. Import people who CAN’T buy beer for the clubhouse.
It doesn’t say how he got his super powers… but I think we all know where that 150 km/hr fastball pitch REALLY came from.
Do you think he’ll introduce us to Gary Busey?
In other news, Trot Nixon is heading this Hall of Fame class… but the REAL news is that he went to New Hanover High School in Wilmington. Did YOU know that? I’ve been there like, a bazillion times. It’s the high school that every movie/tv show uses when they film in North Carolina- a high school I became acquainted with during my actor days. And, apparently, Trot Nixon could have been in the same town. You’d think that someone would have told me.
Oh! Oh! Oh! But there’s more news!
Giving us yet another reason to roll our eyes at New York, Mayor Bloomberg called Boston “Loserville.” Really. Mr. Bloomberg, do you know what comeuppins are? Because they’re comeuppining in April. Loserville? Really? Tim Thomas? Are you going to stand for that? I’ll be checking Facebok later for your statement.
I will remember this, Mr. Bloomberg, and I will rub your snotty little New York nose in it on behalf of all New England (just don’t cry again, Tom Brady) in April. Seriously, footballians, stop crying. How many rings does New England have? Honestly. You’d think you were Michelle Kwan. And a silver medal isn’t THAT bad.
And stop. STOP. Pulling baseball fans into your web of depression with whiny reminders like:
If only Wes Welker caught the ball. If he had, the city of Boston would still be sweeping up the confetti and Tom Brady would be resting comfortably in the pantheon of football greats. We’d still think Giselle Bundchen was charming and we’d be practicing dance moves to imitate Rob Gronkowski’s postgame partying. Eric Wilbur would be living a peaceful life.
Sound familiar? Sure does. In fact, it sounds a lot like last September.
SHUT. UP. Seriously, New England. You WON the Sandwich Monday Contest. Who NEEDS the Super Bowl?
Arbitration has been scheduled for Papi. Here’s to hoping it’s quick and painless!
I’m not the only one, btw, who rolled my eyes at Dan Shaughnessy yesterday. Our friends at Fenway West also voiced their whatevers at ya, Dan.
Speaking of rolling our eyes, the Roy Oswalt drama continues. And my eyes? They’re still rolling. You’d think they’d get tired.
So, kiddies, what do you think? Teenagers. Papi. Roy Oswalt. I’d like to hear your thoughts of the whole mess that is the Red Sox offseason.
What a beautiful day in Boone, North Carolina! The sun, Soxies, is shining. The temperature is NOT freezing. The mood? Chipper. That’s right. CHIPPER. All, my dears, is right with the world.
And the internet is complimenting my day. The internet NEVER does that.
See, in honor of the Super Bowl, Time Magazine recreated great New York vs Boston moments…
Like the 2004 ALCS!
It’s like Time Magazine said to itself, “how can we make Lauren’s already spectacular morning even more spectacular? Why, with a double dose of 2004 miraculousness.”
The Sox didn’t need extra-innings to win game six but rather starting pitcher Curt Schilling bravely playing through the pain of a torn tendon sheath to pitch the Sox to victory (it would forever be known as the bloody sock game). By now the Yankees were reeling and with Johnny Damon hitting a grand slam early on in the winner-take-all game seven, New York couldn’t recover and arguably the greatest choke in sports history was complete. The Sox became the first team in MLB history to lose the first three games and win a seven-match series. They didn’t lose another game, sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series to finally end the 86 year-long curse.
So, see, Oswalt, I no longer give a frick what you do. Go ahead and meet with the fricking Rangers. It is of little consequence today.
And Delcarmen, I LOVE that you’re the Stank’s problem now. Good for you. Have fun.
And sure, Ben Cherington. Tell the world that our rotation is game ready. Go ahead.
Not even your extreme denial can bring me down today.
Because there are birds today, people. Birds. And they are singing and not shitting all over metaphorical cars. You know. Like hopes and dreams.
The shithawks? Not hovering around MY head.
Life is good.
PS- Are you my Twitter friend yet? Because you should be.
The quest for a new Nomahhhhhh-
It’s dominating the painnnnnnfffulllllyyyyyy boring headlines (if you can call them that) of Sox nation today, as we mourn the passing of Scutaro and quirk our confuzzled eyes at our roster. Seriously. Boston short stop=Spinal Tap drummer.
The kryptonite Nomar Garciaparra left behind when he was traded in mid-2004 has lost none of its potency in 71⁄2 years. Saturday night’s trade of shortstop Marco Scutaro to the Colorado Rockies for $6 million in salary relief — and, don’t forget, pitcher Clayton Mortensen — once again put the spotlight on the Sox’ curiously consistent inability to groom Nomar’s heir.
Other than giving the Herald’s Michael Silverman‘s inner child the chance to use words like “kryptonite,” not much is new.
That’s kind of the story of this off season: Nothing new, folks. Enjoy the cheese plate.
Nick Punto and Mike Aviles are going to tag team shortstop. So. Um. Apparently it takes two to make one Nomar. I hope it’s like those two guys in the Mighty Ducks. Remember the bash brothers? But with less time in the penalty box? Maybe it will be like Batman and Robin. I kind of think Mike is going to be Robin. I’d like to make a Captain Planet reference here, but I’m just not up to it today.
Does it really take TWO players to equal Marco Scutaro? I mean… I dig the Scut, really I do… but the math is fuzzy for me. Is it fuzzy for you? I get the why. Really, I do. But I still don’t understand the math. I don’t understand why we couldn’t unlock Lackey. Or Dice-K. Or a plethora of other money sucking black holes. And I really, really, really don’t understand why we care about luxury taxes. Or taxes in general. Aren’t our wallets supposed to be endless? Maybe you could sell your yacht, John Henry.
Speaking of strange purchases, Detroit wants Johnny Damon. And Roy Oswalt (who, undoubtedly, they will buy. I have no faith in Sox’s shopping department right now). Fascinating.
In other news, Josh Beckett is listed as the #25 “biggest hothead” in sports. Well. He is pretty hot. I don’t think his hotness is confined to his head…
Newly acquired Vicente Padilla (oh goody) is also on the list- number 19.
Red Sox pitcher Vicente Padilla never met a batter he didn’t want to hit with a baseball; he’s pegged an impressive 106 batters in his career so far.
Vicente, do you take requests?
He also apparently shot himself- accidentally- in 2009. Oh, goody.
A nasty temper and a deadly weapon are an excellent combination.
Oh. This is funny. Apparently he nailed Mark Teixera in consecutive at-bats in 2009.
Does Vicente remind you of anyone?
Good job with the bargain binning, Benny C.
No Yankees made the hothead list. And no Kevin Greggs either.
In other news, Doug Mirabelli isn’t even PLAYING and he’s winning. So maybe we should snatch him up too. Why the frick not? Dougie, want to come home?
And, if you want to sigh an audible awwwwww at work today, read this.
Are you seeing this? Rumors abound that a Scutaro trade could be a-foot.
Scut was actually useful. USEFUL. Could we stop this crazy talk, Benny V?
Let’s talk more imports than exports, guys. Who we can get. Not who we can kick out.
The theory is- Scut would free up the $$$ to get pitchers. Okay. Great. I like pitcher $$$.
Someone explain again why we can’t do that with Lackey? He’d be a GREAT export.
What’s your take on Mr. Marco? Leave the scoop on the Scut in the comments section.
PS- it is snowing in Delaware. See?
I am terrified. Because I have to drive to the Philly airport in the am. Stupid snow. It follows me. I’m telling you…
PPS- I like Delaware. Because you never have to pay for drinks. More on this later.
An injury-free box. An unbreakable box. Like a bubble. But angular. And unnnnnnpoppable.
Okay. So. I’m a little behind on my ESPN (I’m in Delaware, people!)- and just got the Crawford-is-too-hurt-for-opening-day-memo. And let me tell you. I’d rather get an anthrax envelope. Um. Sort of.
Seriously. When the world is starting to believe in you again, Crawford. When optimism is seeping in to replace all those ugly, ugly glares we gave you allllll summer. When the words “this is going to be Crawford’s year” are said aloud on ESPN. You waited for them to say that, didn’t you?
And why now? Benny C offers a timeline explanation here- but it’s not good enough for me. I’ve been spouting about how he’s broken for months. MONTHS.
And you people have access to X-RAYS.
“I think whenever something like this happens we always go back and think about whether we could have found this out earlier, found something earlier. Having surgery in the first week of January is a lot better than the last week of March, but probably not as good as the first week in October,” the Red Sox GM said.
An astute observation.
“I don’t think there’s anything we could have done, practically speaking, sooner. The facts are that he ended the season and was essentially symptomatic and expressed he felt fine and felt normal, as normal as he would going into any offseason. When you have a case like that the last thing we would do is be proactive in exploring a surgical solution for a player when there’s no direct evidence that that’s needed. In this particular case I don’t think anything could have been done differently and I think the medical staff handled it as well as they possibly could, and Carl handled it as well as he possibly could.“
“We have to trust the player,” he said. “They’re the one out there playing. If they feel like their body is good enough to play, and they’re OK to play, the last thing we would want to do is introduce a concern to them unnecessarily because then you start getting into issues of confidence and things of that nature that are clearly things we want to avoid. In this particular case there just wasn’t any indication at the end of the season this was something that should have been pursued. It happened, and better in early January then late March.”
I can’t even talk to you sometimes, Benny. I just… I can’t.
X-RAYS, people. X-RAYS.
I’m going off to grumble about this in private.
Nick Cafardo and I agree on one thing today. And that is Tim Wakefield.
Who- as I’ve said before- we shouldn’t just write off- despite the imaginary walker.
Not sure it’s safe to assume that his tenure with Boston is over. Even if they don’t sign him right now, what prevents them from bringing him back in May or June or even after the All-Star break if they need a starter? He could always be one of those half-season veteran pitchers.
That’s what I see for Tim. Tim’s a utility guy and a hero. He’s not the guy you parade around the mound for a milestone. He can still serve a purpose.
And every time we write him out- he comes back as a weapon.
Well, you know. Except for that one time. Okay, that several times over the summer.
But that wasn’t his fault, see. It was the number.
Numbers are scary beasts.
So. Here’s the deal, folks. Benny C is playing it… safe? Is that even the word for this? He’s certainly playing it oppositeville. Maybe he was hanging out with Michael Hill… they were playing chess, see, when all of a sudden… the board, it got struck by lightning, right? And their hair frizzed up. Oh! And then, something magical happened like that one time on Gilligan’s Island. They switched brains!!!!!
Or, maybe Benny C doesn’t know we have money.
Maybe he doesn’t read all the disparaging comments people make about how we’re moneybaggers and buy our championships and have a bazillion dollars.
Or maybe he’s busy arguing salaries with our six unsigned arbitration-eligible players: RHP Alfredo Aceves, INF Mike Aviles, RHP Andrew Bailey, RHP Daniel Bard, OF Jacoby Ellsbury and DH David Ortiz.
Or maybe he’s still playing with the rolly chair in what used to be Theo Epstein’s office.
Are we REALLY too broke for Roy Oswalt?
I do not understand how moving around payroll works. I understand that it’s how we lost Alex Rodriguez (blessing in disguise). I understand that the internet understands it better than I do-
Can we unLackey ourselves or something? I mean, it’s not like he can play…
I am so confuzzled by our pseudo-poverty.
So, in other words- this could be as good as it gets- at least for now.
Provided we have Aceves in our rotation- how do we stack up- right now- as of Jan. 17? Because I’m not feeling the rotation strength. The real people we’ll be counting on- Lester, Beckett, Buccholz- they couldn’t pull us out of a Soxplosion. And now they’re starring in our comeback tour? I’m not feeling the pep today, folks.
In other news- it always hurts when someone moves on. You know the relationship is over. You say you’re fine. But it’s like that Gavin DeGraw song-
I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m talking about…
Benny C’s digging through the bargain bin again- this time for Vincent Padilla.
Padilla, who hasn’t pitched in MLB since 2010, is well known for something called a SOAP BUBBLE PITCH.
I’m just going to let that one go.
Meantime, back on the ranch, Bobby V is talking vets.
“I couldn’t imagine having Wake come in and compete for a job,” Valentine said, according to the Providence Journal. “I can’t imagine that. Even ’Tek, for that matter. It’s not something I can imagine.”
Why can’t Tek be the new Curt Young? Seriously.
By now you’ve probably read the chuckle-worthy comments Bobby V made about recent Stankee acquisitions.
His comments have Yankees fans snarking. Kind of makes me tip my hat to Bobby.
Bobby is also working on BFF status with Carl Crawford.
“He seemed very determined,” Valentine said. “He seemed very understanding of the fact that things got spinning a little fast for him last year in a new environment, and he seemed to be determined to correct that.”
Slow, snowy weekend in the High Country of North Carolina.
Have I mentioned how much I hate snow?
I really hate snow.
With puff-chesty vengeance, the Stankees stole OUR Osakan last night. Hiroki Kuroda is officially in pinstripes. And we’re officially stagnant, party of one.
Seriously. I was feeling a keen sense of camaraderie with the stripeys. They’re doing a fat load of nothing this offseason. We’re doing a fat load of nothing this offseason. I thought maybe, possibly, we could put this stanktastic rivalry aside and be friends. Buds. Mates. Play chess on the weekends. But NOOOOOOOOO. You had to stick your chest out and steal OUR Osakan. Don’t say I didn’t try, Hal.
Clearly, this means war.
Not roll-over and stay stagnant, BEN. That’s NOT the way we do things in Boston.
Now take out your checkbook. We KNOWWWWW they gave you a checkbook. You aren’t fooling ANYONE with your bargain binning, Benny C.
Fix this, Ben Cherington. Fix. This. NOW. It’s time to stop shopping off the rack.
Watch Texas. TEXAS KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
In other news, the internet is a-buzz with the happy/confusing/conflicting news that Tekky could be back- news I reported with a mixture of glee and confusion last night.
Jason Varitek would make a move. Jason Varitek would make a big move.
I nominate Jason Varitek for GM.
I’m hearing a lot of hate.
Everyone’s heartbroken about Josh Reddick, who, if you didn’t read my post from yesterday, is now officially a letter and not a Sox…
But, see, this movie doesn’t have to have a crappy ending.
We’ve all seen this situation before.
I think you know what I’m talking about.
This EXACT situation happened in a classic film from 1987.
I think it’s obvious where I’m going with this.
That’s right, ladies and gents. Classic of all classics, “The Brave Little Toaster.”
Allow me to explain.
Okay. So, there’s this toaster, right? Let’s just call him Josh. And, despite being BADASS (you should see the toast man, it’s stellar. Just add butter), toasters are a competitive lot. I mean, Josh is like a two toast toaster. And there are like, eight toast toasters at Walmart for just a couple of extra dollars. Even though Josh’s toast is faster. And crispier. And, um, energy star. And who eats eight pieces of toast anyway? So, when the kid grows up, let’s call that kid… oh, I don’t know… BEN. When the kid grows up, he’s going to get all these new appliances, right? Like an electric blanket that works and stuff.
So the Toaster, um, Josh, and his little friends (D-Lowe! Gotta have hope! Tek!) go on this walk about, right? And have these great adventures. All to find their kid again.
I mean, it’s scary. As we know, it’s not a movie for the faint of heart.
I mean, it has Joba Chamberlain…
And the Orioles…
Oh! Joe Maddon…
It’s a very scary movie, guys. Can you believe I watched this when I was three?
Anyway, SPOILER alert, the toaster comes back. And so will Josh. You’ll see. And when he comes back, we’ll all eat toast.
He just has to have an animated adventure first.
There. Feel better?
YOU ARE WELCOME.
Never seen BLT? Well, this situation is also exactly like this movie… Except without the grizzly bears.
Picture it. Benny C. Straightening his collar (he has a collar), staring into that freshly windexed mirror, repeating to what looks back the same thing he’s been rambling since Theo patted him on the back a few months ago.
“You can do this, Ben! You got this. You da man.”
The lip-trembling figure staring back? Doesn’t look much more optimistic than I do, glaring into a computer screen here in Boone, North Carolina. Except I have better hair and my ears don’t stick out. Oh. And I wouldn’t quiver when I saw Larry Lucchino on my caller ID.
You can talk the talk, Benny C- at least when it’s your mirror and there’s no one but a Mr. Clean can there to ridicule you… but can you walk the walk? Or, more specifically, DO ANYTHING?
I’m fed up, Benjamin.
I don’t have to tell you Soxsplosion was bad. 2011? 2011 SUCKED. We, your nation, Mr. New-Theo, need inspiration. It’s like that time in “Independence Day” where our White House has been decimated and our pilots are about to blow up and you’re the president.
You are BILL PULLMAN, Ben Cherington. And we need inspiration.
STARING AT YOUR MIRROR IS NOT INSPIRATIONAL.
Remember what you said in September?
“For every pitcher you acquire,” Cherington said, “there are five more that you try to acquire.”
You lost out on-
And, well, just click here and look how many people we’ve just glowered at…
Oh! And we can’t forget about-
What I’m getting at here is…
It is Dec. 28. And you have done nothing but move Daniel Bard. A move I am neither pleased nor optimistic about.
It is Dec. 28. You hearing me? 52 days ’till pitchers and catchers report. Jason Varitek (this is called OPTIMISM. NOT DENIAL), Lavarnway, Shoppach and Saltalamacchia need someone to catch.
I have a few suggestions.
But I’m not the manager. You are. Now put on your big boy face, step away from the mirror, and get busy. Because I’d really like to forget 2011 when 2012 comes around.