He’s back, you guys! Andy Pettitte is back!

PLEASE, baseball gods, let this be true. USA Today is reporting that… my FAVORITE Yankee player to watch of ALL time has mounted a comeback.

Nope. It’s not Joba (who you know fills me with giggle fits) or that humble stalwart Johnny Damon.

It’s not Grumps (aka: AJ Burnett, who you know I also adore).

Nor is it the scariest pirate of them all, MATSUI.

Oh no. MY favorite Yankee player to watch should undoubtedly be YOUR favorite Yankee player to watch.

He is, after all, the greatest Yankee player of all fricking time.

You heard me.

It’s ANDY PETTITTE.

Really, Andy? It’s been since 2010? I kind of thought you were hiding behind CC Sabathia’s Balloo belly…

Why is Andy Pettitte the GREATEST Yankee player of ALL fricking time, you ask? Why, because of THIS moment:

Pettitte is 39 which, as we have ALLLLLLL learned from media coverage of Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek, is like Father Time. I am so happy you are back, Andy Pettitte, and I hope you continue to mouth curse words. Because the Andy Pettitte drinking game has NOT been the same without Andy Pettitte. Who’s YOUR favorite Yankee to watch? It’s Andy Pettitte, isn’t it?

In honor of Andy Pettitte, I have compiled a list of FAVORITE Andy Pettitte moments in recent history that DO NOT involve Jacoby. Could you imagine these links being watched to the tune of “Memory” from “Cats?” Thanks.

Those two days when you errored.

“If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize,” Pettitte cries. “I accept responsibility for those two days.”

Oh! That time you testified.

Oh! And that time you ratted out Clemens.

And that time when you ratted out Clemens, but he got indicted.

Longtime Clemens friend and teammate Andy Pettitte told congressional investigators that Clemens confided to him that he had used HGH. “I believe Andy has misheard” the conversation, Clemens responded. He said he had simply mentioned to Pettitte a TV show about three older men who used HGH to get back their quality of life.

Seriously? It’s been two years? I’m so glad that Roger Clemens has been in our lives so that I haven’t been able to miss you. My little heart would have bursted. Are you SURE he retired? Maybe he was on vacation…. Ahem-fromtesting-ahem….

L

A mistrial for Chaz? I mean… um… Clemens? Your daily injection

To clarify: I LOVE Chaz Bono. Really. I saw Chaz in NY when Chaz was Chastity and was irrationally excited and my irrational excitement alienated my peers. I took a cell phone picture. I hate Roger Clemens. If I saw him, I would take a cell phone picture, but only so I could post it here and say, “I hate you, Roger Clemens” and have a good visual aid.

The Roger Clemens drama continues. *insert Law and Order soundbite*

A fricking mistrial. Why? Because the prosecutors made a rookie mistake and didn’t follow simple directions.

Really. Click here for proof.

NOW THEY HAVE TO CALL A NEW JURY.

This means we will have to hear about this FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

No. I’m secretly (not so secretly) thrilled. I kind of love soap operas. I used to watch them when I was sick in elementary school. When I became a grown up, soap operas became less convenient (and kept cancelling… weird) so I have to use things like this trial to fill the void. Oh, and my job. That’s a void-filler.

The judge halted proceedings this morning over complaints from the defense about the prosecutors use of information the judge had banned – and then the judge quickly accepted their concerns and declared a mistrial.

The defense had objected to the use of part of Clemens’ 2008 testimony about Andy Pettitte, drug use, etc, etc.

Before  a brief recess Walton admonished prosecutors for not editing down portions of the testimony, “I made a ruling that  statements that Mr. Pettitte made to his wife could not be admitted.”

“This clearly runs afoul of my pre-trial rulings.”  Walton told the prosecutors. “That testimony is not going to be relevant.”

Afoul! Such dramatic language. I can just see a pirate belting that out on an angry sea.

Can’t you?

Clemens sure would make a great pirate.

Pirates don’t care what you’re on as long as you have time for some yohohos and a bottle of rum.

Oh, and some horrifically graphic pillaging. Pirates don’t sound so cool when you think about the horrifically graphic pillaging. Kind of like how Roger Clemens doesn’t sound so cool when you think of the needle juice.

So thanks, prosecutors, for making a complex issue even more complex.

Wait a second… there might not even be a fricking trial now? What????

There will be a hearing on September 2 to determine whether Clemens would face double jeopardy, should the government elect to try him. Since it was mostly a procedural error and the jury never made a decision, there will probably be another trial.

Oh, I hope so. Else you’ll get a nasty letter from me, prosecutors.

Not everyone thinks it’s going to be so cut and dry.

“This is also just absolutely terrible pre-trial publicity. The entire world knows now what has happened, and you’re never going to get a fair jury. You can’t even change the venue. Fundamental fairness [says] don’t prosecute Roger. He has a big chance right now to walk away from this. We’re going to find out I think in the next 24 hours whether that happens or not.”

~L

At least SOMETHING good is coming out of all the juice drama…

Baseball players are getting “scared straight.”

But the LA Times explores whether or not it’s trickling down to younger athletes…

Steroid use among teens rose in 2010, according to the University of Michigan’s annual Monitoring the Future study on teenage drug use.

The survey of approximately 50,000 eighth-, 10th- and 12th-graders showed 4 percent of male high school seniors said they used steroids in 2010 — up from 3.4 percent in 2009 and the highest number since 2004.

Still looking for drama? Read this article about how a trial might have reignited the Wade Boggs- Roger Clemens feud of ultimate hilarity.

Juries and jerks: Your daily injection

Another busy day in the world of growth hormones, as the Roger Clemens melodrama continues. *insert Law and Order-esque da-dah here*

Jury selection continues…

And it’s slower than steroid molasses. (never inject molasses, no matter what they tell you)

The first woman questioned was excused after expressing apparent confusion over the presumption of innocence for a defendant…

America, ladies and gents. That’s just one of the potentials. 36 need to be selected before the trial moves forward. OUT of those 36, 12 will be selected. And it’s (as they say in the south), “slim pickin’s.” Could someone tell me what that saying means?

Clemens, as you know, has been charged with SIX felonies for lying to Congress about why his thighs are so beefy. Pettitte, as you know, is just one in a slew of people who call foul on Clemens’ claim that his massive bulk is just about wheaties.

Maybe, prosecutors say, but your wheaties were spiked!

No, he says! Nothing comes between me and my cereal!

Really, they say? Because your cereal bowl looks a lot like a syringe…

No, he says, shaking his mammoth fists! That’s a spoon!

A syringe, good sir!

A spoon! A spoon! A spoon! I’ll spoon your face! I’ll spoon all your faces!

You are out of order! Out of ORDER!

It’s a lot like that in real life. Except the spoons are metaphorical. You know. You can borrow that script, if you want, you know, for dinnertime reenactments. But use plastic spoons, k? Because when we tried it at my dinner table, it got violent.

Opening arguments are set for WEDNESDAY. And I can’t wait. Now the judge says he may not let the prosecution question Pettitte at all. Apparently, having witnesses say they’ve juiced up could tamper impartiality where Clemens is concerned.

This one’s going to be fun. So much juicy (pun intended) drama! It’s like reality television, but I don’t have to have cable!

And… on the other side of the world, people are still testing positive for doping. See, and this is going to continue to be a problem until everyone, across the board, is held accountable. And to hold the accountable, you have to catch them, see… and to catch them *ahem, Selig, ahem* you have to WANT to catch them. The unspoken tolerance? Got to stop.

~L

Sorry, cops! No juice for you! Your daily injection.

So much steroid news this week! So we better get started.

Here’s your daily injection. Because it looks like this is going to need to be a daily dose.

Apparently, coproids (<- think that could catch on?) are a BIG problem in New Jersey. Apparently, an investigation found cops (ahem, coproids) and firefighters (fireroids) using gov benefits to juice. Seriously. Steroids: Not just for baseball.

New Jersey paid more than $11 million in 2010 for steroid and growth hormone prescriptions for state employees.

Meanwhile, back on the courtmound, Roger Clemens trial is underway… jurors are being asked about vitamin use. Somehow, I don’t think they’re talking flintstones. Seriously. Going to help you out. Ask if they’re Boston Red Sox fans.

But the saga gets a new, hilarious chapter. BLACKMAIL! Seriously. It is like a spy novel.

…it appears this is the defense that is supposed to keep him out of a perjury conviction and out of jail:
That his former trainer Brian McNamee kept syringes and blood and all the rest of it in case he might want to blackmail an innocent man someday.

Okay, Jason Bourne.<– Movie reference

Another of his clients? Andy Pettitte. But apparently not worthy of blackmail? Not to mention the little gem that Andy Pettitte said McNamee GAVE HIM THE SUBSTANCES.

Honestly. 8 katrillion in legal fees and THIS IS ALL YOU’VE GOT, ROGER?

Oy. Maybe Casey Anthony’s lawyer has some free time, Rog…

B-12. Riiigggghhhhttt. Because that doesn’t come in a pill.

This is like a bad novel with a circulation of 15.

I get those sometimes. Seriously. People send me photocopied novels for review. Things like this? Would tottallllyyyyyy get equal eye roll time from me.

And now they bring Sammy Sosa into this?

This will not end well for anyone.

THANKS, ROGER CLEMENS.

In other news, Debi Clemens revamped her website.

Wow.

And don’t think this is confined to America. Oh no…

At least we won today. And at least this doesn’t involve us. Today. Please, my Red Sox, don’t make me read an article about you juicing. Thanks.

~L

NOOOOOOO! Wrong JL. WRONG JL!

Jon Lester. 15-day disabled list.

John Lackey. On another kind of DL.

The DENIAL List.

And no. I’m not talking about a river in Egypt.

I’m talking about a sloth on the mound.

DENIAL.

But who is in greater denial? John Lackey, who has an ERA of OVER 7.4, allows 7 runs in like three innings AND then says things like ““Overall, my arm felt pretty good?”

Or Theo Epstein, for STILL holding on to his $85 mill investment? An investment that is making the 2008 economic collapse look like a checking error.

Despite BUZZ to the contrary, he’s still around. Or maybe we’ve just ALLLLLL got our JLs mixed up. JOHN LACKEY, God. NOT JON LESTER.

Perhaps we should have all been more clear. That’s the last time I close my eyes and wish with initials alone.

“Maybe,” coworker-who-barely-knows-what-baseball-is says, to stop me from continuing ANOTHER John Lackey rant, “This Ted Epstein doesn’t have cable.”

I don’t have cable.

“Maybe,” exasperated coworker says, “He’s not as tech savvy as you with the internets.” (yes, we say the internets, plural, in THIS office)

He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars.

“Maybe,” dead-inside-coworker says, “He has better things to do than fire pitchers.”

He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars to do this.

“Maybe,” bleary-eyed coworker says, “You should save this for your blog.”

But, I already blogged about John Lackey. Like… ALL THE TIME.

And then he told me to shut up. Me. I know. The nerve of SOME PEOPLE.

~L

PS- as for YESTERDAY? I thought he was out. Don’t like it? Petition Bud Selig for robot umps. Oh-oh-oh- And Johnny Damon hurt his ‘ittle wrist. I’m playing “Cry me a River” on my way home from work.

—–

PS- MORE STEROID NEWS. Awesome. They should call today WednesROIDday.

Alex Rodriguez’ doctor pleaded guilty today in federal court for… *drum roll* bringing drugs from Canada… including *another drum roll* HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!

Awesome. Thanks, guys. For CONTINUALLY throwing the juice in America’s face.

————-

Other athletes on…

the DENIAL List:

Johnny Damon (I’m still relevant! Hall of Fame, hear I come!)

Roger Clemens (They were manly vitamins, man! Andy is my BEST friend)

Andy Pettitte (Roger is my BEST friend)

Derek Jeter (I’m still in the game!)

Jason Giambi (Wow, people sooooooo care about what I have to say)

Coco Crisp (This hairstyle is a GREAT look for me!)

Tiger Woods (I can change!)

Dale Earnhardt Jr (It’s a real sport. Really.)

The US Women’s Soccer Team (People are sooooo watching us on television right now. Sad but true, people. )

Maxim Lapierre (Je suis étonnant!)

Dirk Nowitzki (I have normal arms. Really. You guyyyssssss)

Jorge Posada (I could totally play another five years)

Manny Ramirez (This will ALLLL blow over)

Alex Rodriguez (They ALLLLL want to be my girlfriend)

The Cubs (It will happen our lifetime, guys!)

Got anymore? I’m trying to compile an official list. Then I’ll move onto actors. That means you, Nicholas Cage!

Oh, good, Roger. You’re back in the news.

Everyone’s favorite turncoat Roger Clemens is back in the news! But it’s not for a weasley World Series victory. It’s not for a ring contest. Or even a who-has-the-veiniest-bicep competition… even though… um… that’s closer…

It’s for *drum roll please* LYING. Lying about juicing up in 1999, 2000.

And who turned him in? Who, oh who? Oh, that’s right. HIS BEST FRIEND. Andy Pettitte. Which seems to be the bigger story than Roger Clemens popping happy juice. HIS BEST FRIEND.

Roger, remember when I was your best friend? Remember that?

Yeah. Me neither.

It’s quite dramatic. All the major characters are there. The bastard best friend (Pettitte) the anxious butler turned gossip (Giambi). It’s like one of those mystery weekend novels by Agatha Christie.

Poooooooor Pettitte, the NYT says.

“I can’t imagine what he’s going through, knowing he will have to sit there and testify with his best friend right there at the defense table,” said the former Yankees slugger Jason Giambi, who testified about his own steroid use when he was a government witness in March at the federal perjury trial of the home run king Barry Bonds, who was convicted of obstruction of justice.

“I was close with Barry, but my testimony was all about me and my own use,” said Giambi, who played with Clemens and Pettitte for two years with the Yankees. “So I really feel for Andy. Knowing how he is, it’s going to be very, very hard for him.”

You know what wasn’t very, very hard? Pettitte’s veins, apparently, since he ADMITTED to using the human growth hormone too.

I like how this article seems mostly about poor Pettitte and not about jerk Clemens who LIED.

Though he never spoke much in the clubhouse about his religious convictions, Pettitte became known among the Yankees for his strait-laced life. Some of his former teammates, including catcher Jorge Posada, said Pettitte’s best quality was that he could be trusted.

Really, Posada? It wasn’t truth juice.

YOU should know.

And they were just buddies, Pettitte and Clemens. Like Milo and Otis? Like Fox and the Hound? Not so much. More like Bonnie and Clyde. You know. Except, instead of cash, it was a substance that gives you man-boobs.

“It was strange if you didn’t see them together in the clubhouse,” said John Flaherty, a former Yankees catcher. “You’d see them running, lifting or throwing a football before games, then they’d play golf on off days. It was always Andy following Roger around.”

How’d that work out for you, champ?

“Andy was always prepared to handle the pressure, but in court, he is not in his comfort zone,” Joe Girardi said. “It’s out of his realm, and it’s out of our realm, too. None of us want to see that.”

Read further, and you’ll see law experts telling the reporter that Pettitte has absolutely no reason to tell the jury any of this.

“In 1999 or 2000, I had a conversation with Roger Clemens in which Roger told me that he had taken human growth hormone,” Pettitte said in the affidavit, a potentially pivotal declaration if spoken before a jury.

And yet he testifies anyway. This means two things about Andy Pathetic.

1. Maybe he and Clemens had a fight on the jungle gym

2. Maybe he actually has some integrity

I hope it’s number 2. I’d like to be able to say something nice about Andy Pettitte. I’ve been on this soap box before. You all know how I feel about the ‘roid years. You saw how I snipped Manny like a bad habit. IF Pettitte is really testifying for the integrity of baseball, I give him props.

Before today, whenever I thought of Pettitte, I thought of THIS MOMENT. You know the one. Where Jacoby steals home and Pettitte looks like he’s going to cry? I even remember where I was. It was that pivotal to 2009. I was in an Irish pub near work in Charlotte with my friend Doug and I choked on a nacho.

If Pettitte really does this, I’ll get to remember him for two things. And shame on the misplaced focus on Pettitte, who didn’t do anything wrong (THIS TIME) instead of the juicing rock slinger himself.

But the honesty bug, it doesn’t make up for the Yankee tolerance of juicing. You know it’s true. Just look at the Mitchell Report. Look at testimonials. Look at the team. There’s a tolerance. That’s the crux of my rivalry. Well, that and Johnny Damon.

Clemens insisted he had told Pettitte that his wife, Debbie, not Clemens himself, had used the drug. In his Congressional testimony, Clemens said Pettitte “misheard” and “misremembers” what Clemens had said about growth hormone.

Sure.

I think the law professor in the Times article sums this up nicely.

“So I think Clemens is in big trouble,” he added. “He probably wants to kick himself for picking the kid who was the Eagle Scout on the block to shoot off his mouth to.”

The trial begins today, and I’ll be paying attention.

~L

—

So, I’ve been thinking… and I have a tip for the defense attorney, ’cause I’m so nice. Maybe you should ask potential juries if they are Red Sox fans…

CLICK HERE  and scroll down FOR MORE STEROID NEWS. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with today?