Kevin Youkilis wants me to be a Stepford Wife but I don’t DO dishes.

December 6, 2012 7 comments

There really aren’t words.

Well. They are. But I am an adult now. And I’m trying not to SAY those words, see.

I’ve had some time to process. To process that thing. You know. The one I will LINK to, but not say out loud.

There are a lot of emotions right now. Anger. Heartache. Anger. Despair. Anger.

And to find out this way.

I was working a corporate event on no sleep and a hallucinatory caffeine buzz. Go back to office. Open email. Get a “haha” email from a coworker with a Link. This link.

I just-

I can’t-

I…

I know what this is, guys. It’s me.

It’s my new job. The new job where I’m making actual money.

Like, dollars.

The kind you read about. The kind people put in banks.

Like real banks.

Not the kind your sister rules in plastic when you play monopoly.

Like a bank with papers. And ids. And signatures. And cash.

Actual cash.

See, I think it’s clear what this is about.

Kevin Youkilis does not like working women.

He is threatened by a strong, career oriented woman. Career women who don’t have time to 100 percent fawn and cry and scream and curse and be fun. Working women who are busy doing things like ironing shirt collars and working and driving and putting actual gas in their car (like, the kind that fills it up, not the kind that goes to the halfway point. The kind that you pay with on the card because the $60 hold on your account won’t compete with your water bill). I’m finally happy and fulfilled and he just can’t stand it. He wants me all to himself, see. He thought he’d pitch a fit. Leave me for the fricking White Sox. Thought that would bring me back. It almost worked, Youkie. It did. But then another project came along and I got busy and… and…

And… he’s…

Nope. Still can’t say it.

You’re like Mr. Banks from Mary Poppins. “You know how Mr. Banks hates the cause…”

I would think that you would be proud of me, Youkie. My readers are. Seriously. So many of them have emailed me to see if I’m okay, alive (a few thought the season killed me). They EMAILED ME. They didn’t send me a nuclear bomb of vomit. That’s what you did to me today, Kevin. You sent me a nuclear bomb of vomit.

In the form of…

Nope. Still can’t say it.

I don’t think he’ll do it, guys. I don’t think-

Seriously. I am happier than I have ever been. I have an amazing boyfriend. I-

Oh God. That’s it, isn’t it? You think just because Matt moved in last month (Matt moved in last month! I live with a boy! I live with a boy and sometimes I wash dishes! Well. Um. I have washed a dish! Um. It was a cup. Um. I have a dishwasher. Um. Well. I threw the plastic cup away. Um.) that I don’t have room in my life for you. You did this, Kevin Youkilis. When you left me for Chicago.

What? You didn’t think I’d move on? You didn’t think I could find someone else? Someone taller? Um. SOMEONE WHO CAN REACH THINGS AND CHANGE LIGHT BULBS AND LISTENS TO TAYLOR SWIFT WITH ME SOMETIMES DURING CELEBRITY REHAB COMMERCIALS?????

You NEVER listened to Taylor Swift with me, Kevin Youkilis.

Maybe I want you to go to…

Nope. Still can’t say it.

I’LL CHANGE! I will quit my job! And wear an apron! And wash your dishes!

You know what, Youkie? Do what you want. You’re irrelevant. And your feet are stupid.

Anyone who can’t support me and my career and my goals and dreams (I have goals and dreams now, guys!) can go to…

I didn’t mean that.

YES I DID.

I just…

I can’t…

I can’t say it.

I can’t…

You know who can say it?

As for my readers,

I miss you.

I miss baseball.

I do not, will not, won’t ever… MISS BOBBY Valentine.

Oh. And regarding Farrell news, I DO have a statement.

I. Told. You. So.

(Interestingly enough, the above link references the job I have RIGHT NOW)

Won’t be another two months. I promise. The nonfunny truth is, my job is really hard. It is really wonderful, but really hard, and required my complete focus. I’m starting to get a grip. Stay tuned.

In the meantime… be happy for me?

And ignore this Youkilis news. It shall go away. Yes. It shall.

He wouldn’t do that, people.

Right?

~L

Um. RIGHT?

JEB WANTS this to happen. HE SAID SO ON FACEBOOK.

Seriously?

September 7, 2012 11 comments

I have been drinking. You know how I am when I drink.
This game is tragic. I mean… It is like that movie where all your friends tell you it sucks but it has that guy from Twilight in it. And, as much as you pretend you ate being ironic when you fake flirt with the movie… He is hot and he does have that accent. So you watch it. And you think… Hey… It is not terrible. And then Encarnaciasshole knocks one out if the park and you can’t believe you just wasted $9 on that movie ticket. It is like that.

Oh god just fire Bobby Valentine and bring back Youkie already…

Um. So. Hi guys. Um. How’s your summer?

L

Categories: Uncategorized

Lauren meets Kevin Youkilis

May 18, 2012 15 comments

I am in Durham and Kevin Youkilis is here and our eyes met and i might be hysterical.

I just took a picture of Kevin Youkilis stretching….

20120518-184926.jpg

Don’t worry. I took close ups with the other camera. I think my boyfriend is uncomfortable. Um.

But it is Kevin Youkilis, you guys! I wish I wasn’t already blasted. Am I crying? Maybe.

20120518-185316.jpg

Ohmygodimightbehystericalbutkevinyoukilisislookingarme!

It is starwars night at the Durham bulls athletic park but who cares because Kevin Youkilis is here? Oh. And chew baca threw a pitch. But whatever. Kevin Youkilis is here.

I talked to the paw sox manager. He says youk looks great. I said, yep. He says, you know he is taken right? I say, oh, me too, pointing to Matt, who is far away. He says- mmhmmm. I just got mmhmmed by the paw sox coach, you guys! But is doesn’t matter because youk is here! So is matsui – for the bulls- but who cares?

You know. Because youk is HERE.

20120518-190640.jpg

This is how close I am to the fricking bullpen.

Matt went to get beer. It is probably because of my teenagebieberesque girl scream I let out a second ago.

Jose Iglesias is here. And before the game, I ate a cheese sandwich with Ryan Lavarnway. But really. Who cares? Youkilis is here. Jose is batting. But I am still screaming 20. Maybe this is way my new red six friends are sitting far away. Youk is batting

20120518-191044.jpg

He is on first and I spilled my beer.

Matt is back. I am conflicted. Because the love of my life is at first.

Youk stole second.

20120518-191359.jpg

20120518-191522.jpg

The inning is over. But I was watching youk. So I do not know what happened. Whatever. I am like… 50 feet from third base, so this works for me too.

The bulls ate scoring. Whatever. I think youk looked at me. I mean, it is prob bec I screamed “father my babies” during a moment of silence… But a look counts. Oh. Um. Hi, Matt.

Matsui. Bah.

I mean, I took his picture. He is scarier up close.

20120518-192813.jpg

Matsui is too close to me, you guys…

20120518-193027.jpg

Matt is great.
I am tipsy.
You know who else is great? Kevin Youkilis!

20120518-193814.jpg

It is star wars day and dearth vader is here and I am not talking about matsui.

Whatever. Kevin Youkilis gruffed at me.

He is batting.

20120518-194834.jpg

He struck out. I yell, it’s okay, baby. We can talk about it.

And he looks at me.

Maybe youk and I will hang out at the cheesecake factory after the game. Never can tell.
Matt says if I leave with youk, he is going to Vegas. What does that mean?

Btw-youk says he is feeling good. He has no comment about bobby v drama.

So. On the good camera- I have like three shots of matsui scratching his crotch. Just FYI. Looks like he picked up a little something extra last time in new york…

20120518-200618.jpg

I am not even watching the game. This is ridic.

20120518-200847.jpg

My photos do not make sense. My actual camera- takes better pics. Will show those tomorrow.

20120518-201100.jpg

20120518-201203.jpg

Jose.

Youk struck out again.

20120518-201541.jpg

My mother just sent me a text telling me not to get so tipsy that I flip over the rail. She reads my blog!

I have so many funny things to tell you all when I am sober.

There is a cow. See? Oh. I get it. The bulls. Oh.

20120518-204006.jpg

The cow sign says- if you hit it- get a steak. Matt says youk deserves more than steak if he hits it. I agree.

20120518-204923.jpg

I am happy. Recap later.

20120518-210357.jpg

Categories: Uncategorized

Bobby V hits an iceberg. And that iceberg is my temper tantrum. Oh. Go Bruins!

April 25, 2012 9 comments

Number 11? US watching the SKANKTASTIC series over the weekend.

Those should be YOUR tears, Bobby Valentine!!!!

I think I relate most to the Brad Pitt clip from “Legends of the Fall.”

No. I couldn’t save them… I just… COULD NOT.

So.

I have been working a lot. Which is why you haven’t heard from me.

You know who hasn’t been working?

THE RED SOX.

SPECIFICALLY?

Sure, you scooted by the Twins, Bobby, but you allowed THIS to happen:

So, thanks for that.

And this.

I like how it’s the same anniversary of the Titanic.  I thought that too. Thanks, Bobby.

Seriously. This weekend was like the movie “John Carter.” It cost a billion dollars to make, panned, and got people fired.

You suck like the “John Carter” movie, Bobby Valentine.

A friend was at Fenway and said cries of “Tito” echoed the monster.

Seriously. I think my feelings regarding this weekend are best expressed in the following video clip:

Well, it’s all up from here. Right, Dawson?

Go Bruins. Game seven, baby.

Red Sox. I just… I…

Bah.

So many movie references. SO MANY.

What are your thoughts, Soxies? If you could describe the season so far in one movie quote, what would it be? Mine would be, “I think we’re going to need a bigger boat.”

~L

Really guys. It’s just April. It’s just… APRIL.

PS- I am going to familiarize myself with THIS scent so I know who to avoid at bars. I suggest you do the same.

Categories: Uncategorized

Live Blog: Sox vs Rangers. Oh. And more ranting about Bobby V. And HATE MAIL!

April 17, 2012 48 comments

It’s 7:10 p.m. and I’m off work, damnit. And I’m going to watch this game, damnit. With or without you. AND- if you’re lucky and this game is boring, I’ll even respond to hate mail about my post yesterday.

Hate mail from people who clearly don’t read my blog.

Otherwise they’d know how much I LOVE hate mail.

And how much LESS sorry it makes me.

Oh. A base hit. Oh. A guy at first. A guy at third. Oh.

You know. I said all along Bobby V’s not a longterm manager. I have this theory that he’s a place holder until Farrell’s contract in Toronto is up.

Lesterrrrrrr… double play… Kills the half. Sweetness.

We are two minutes late and Jerry Remy is killing time with the Don.

They’re talking about Bobby V and how it’s “blown over.”

“Everybody seems to be on the same track with this thing,” Jerry says.

I’m not, Jerry. I AM NOT.

“It’s a learning process between both sides right now,” Jerry says.

I have lots to teach.

Again on how this is SOOOOOO not about Youkie. I would be this irate if Bobby V talked smack about anyone- even… JOHN LACKEY. Talk smack, seriously. I take that back. Talk the smack all you want. In the clubhouse. In a sternly worded letter to Youkilis. To Cherington. Hell, trade him. Fire him. Make him run laps. Take his beard away. I don’t care. But DO NOT TALK SMACK TO THE MEDIA.

All I ask.

7:12. Jon Lester is out. So I have to try to swallow the grumbles. FOR NOW.

Strike two. I love you, Jon Lester, and your keen ability to turn my frown upside down. Seriously. It was a Cody Ross scowl and now it’s an Ortiz high five grin.

7:14. And…

Oh. I’m frowning again. As he singles. You know.

My boss today tapped my Red Sox season schedule (the small office one, not the massive one at my house) and smirked and said, “Have they won a game yet?”

Smirk.

Why yes, surely they have.

Because we are winners. As we shall show you nine innings from now. Jon Lester last faced the Rangers on Opening Day last year- that game we lost ridiculously. Thanks for the reminder, Don.

Strike out. K-count? ONE.

Boom.

I want to be one of the K people. If I make it to Fenway, can we make sure that happens? Thanks.

I do not want to judge, but the crowd does not look focused today. I’d be focused. I would be.

7:24. Bottom of the first and Aviles is on first, guys!

Dustin Pedroia………. air to center field… AND HOME RUN.

That’s a two run home run.

That’s a two nothing lead.

THAT is my Dustin Pedroia.

AND a hit from Adrian Gonzalez? WHO ACTUALLY RUNS?

What world is this? Oh. Our world. OUR world, damnit. 7:27.

And THE David Ortiz steps up…

Caught. But it’s okay, see, because KEVIN YOUKILIS is up. Did I hear a boo? Did you DARE boo MY husband?

Righhht… a “groin” problem. Right. I would have kept him out of the lineup yesterday too.

It’s okay, baby. It’s just you and me. And… um… right. Everyone… um… else.

Oh. I’m getting angry again. Oh.

Strike three. Am I being redundant when I say I blame Bobby V?

Who’s with me?

Bah.

It’s okay, see, because Ryan Sweeney is here. Off the wall! Boo. Yah.

My boyfriend is on second. He did that for my husband. Weeeeird.

But great.

It is 7:32. Cody Ross. The guy I want to like. And kind of do. But kind of don’t, just because of his frowny faces…

Hi, Cody. I get why you frowned yesterday, those silly crayon calls and all…

But today is a new day. And we have two people on base. Smile it off, Cody.

Pedroia looks perplexed in the dugout.

Or awkward. or something.

Probably because Bobby V asked him to pass the chewing gum or something.

Ross retired at first.

2-0 RED SOX.

You are in the Ohio Valley?! There IS an Ohio Valley? Is there an Ohio mountain? I’ve been to Ohio. This one time. It was cold. And a piece of my hair broke off like in “Cool Runnings.” And I cried about it. And my tears froze to my face. (mostly) true story.

Hi, Mr. Buck.

Another K. That means strike out. I would be such a great K gal. Just saying.

I have been to West Virginia. It is cold there too.

I think my most favoritist K-Youk collector, Paul, is going to join us as well.

Bees’ knees.

You know what’s NOT the Bees’ Knees? A double.

Who “takes” strike two. Takes? Sometimes baseball phrasing confuzzles me, Don.

Remember that time last year when they had Mike Lowell in the booth? I’d like to see that again. I’d like to-

FRICKDOUBLEFRICK. Napoli homers. And now it’s an even slate at 2-2. Which, if you think about it, completely negates all the funtastic hitting our most favorite Dustin Pedroia did…

Whateverwhateverwhatever. It’s just the top of the second, people.

7:42. I think that is the best comment I have ever seen, Bruce. The BEST comment. I shall make one. That’s perfect. Like my wedding. Initially, I wanted swans, but they’re quite nasty creatures, actually. I think we’re going to get dolphins instead.

Jon Lester is on his 30th pitch. Which is fouled. Full count. You know. Because that’s how he rolls. With my heart in his fricking knuckles.

I do NOT like this. One out walk for Alba. I DO NOT LIKE THIS. Oh no. Larry Lucchino joins us in the booth. Actually, I kind of want that. I have some things I’d like to say to Larry Lucchino.

You have MET Kevin Youkilis? Buck, your next comment better contain a detailed description followed by contact information.

Hi, Paul.

7:45… the announcers seem to be having some trouble filling time today.

Is it Troy Alba or Troy Alber? I don’t care.

Still only one out in the inning that takes forever… oh. A base hit for Gentry. Oh. Third hit of the inning for Texas. Jon Lester… Jerry just called you “shaky.” Unjello yourself and FOCUS, damnit.

Oh. Larry will be here to “tell us about that special day,” more 100 Anniversary stuff.

That is NOT what I want to hear from you, Larry.

You better ask him some actual questions, Don.

You asked Mo Vaughn questions. Remember that?

Do you think Stephen King is there tonight?

I am not going to argue with a call in our favor… but that looked a little sketch…

Not a good day to misstep, ump.

They keep closing up on this guy who is constantly scratching his head. I shall call him Scratchy. Ball four.

LOADED bases. From crappy pitching.

I think I just saw a “damnit” from Bobby V.

Doesn’t seem so snarky today, does he? How’s that spray tan working for your home life, Bobby?

Oh… down the third base line… and Lester just holds the ball. For funsies? So it’s 3-2. Because Jon Lester felt like watching. Bet Bobby V told him too.

“The wise thing by holding onto the baseball,” Jerry says.

Don’t get it.

Scott Atchison is warming up. FDA is thrilled.

Hamilton hits to left. ROSS FORGETS TO CATCH. AGAIN.

4-2.

Thanks, Cody.

And THAT doesn’t make you frown?

Two outs. Bah.
You know who I miss? Adrian Beltre. Well, hi, Adrian….

Crapola! Computer…. Mozilla… Crashes… Have to relaunch MLB… Have no idea what is happening! Crap, crap, crap! Chaos, I say!

It is back. 8pm. Something about dustin? What did Dustin do? Why are our bases loaded? Dear god, why are our bases loaded?!

It is 8:02. And, if the Rangers weren’t clipping fouls, we would walk our way off another cliff.

Lester is broken!

I bet it was Bobby V.

Just saying.

8:03. Inning ends. But, you know. After 43 pitches and four Texas runs. Maybe the spray tan is contaminating the bull pen. You know, making Lester’s eyes water? It could happen. It could happen, right? Does spray tan cause leprosy? Has anyone studied that?

“Let’s take a look back at last inning,” Remy says. Of course. Let’s. I mean, it was four seconds ago. But sure. Let’s do it.

Hey, do you have any chickengate footage while you’re at it?

No?

Blahblahblahblah.

Salty. Salty will fix this. He’ll… SPICE it up. (I am hilarious)

Best Salty pun wins a smile!

Bobby Valentine is going over to talk to Lester. Oh. Yeah. That’ll fix it.

It was odd that it took Lester awhile to get to the mound earlier, I agree, Don.

Jason Repko is coming up…

Strike one. It’s the third one that counts, Jason. For a second, you looked like Mike Lowell. I miss Mike Lowell. Do you know mike Lowell, Repko? You should look him up.

I feel like he is watching over us today. I really do.

Strike three. And Repko is super out.

Looked like an outside ball to me….

Hi, Mike Aviles. Continue to defy my low, low expectations for you, please.

Aviles’ bat went somewhere. That’s… um… not the goal…

And that’s over. Texas at bat after an annoying commercial with animated birds.

It is 8:13. And they are talking to some meteorologist INSTEAD of watching the game.

Todd Gutner? I do not know who you are. And I do not care. And I do not like your tie. Wear Red Sox colors when you are going to be wasting my FENWAY time, buddy.

And we have enough spray tanner in the clubhouse, Todd Gutner.

Well, I’m glad the booth missed that spectacular dodge. That not-catch looked intentional. Man on first. Blah.

Todd Gutner is feeling reeealllyyyyy cool right now.

Bah.

Don is asking him if he’s a storm guy or an in-studio guy.

Um. Don, he wears makeup and spray tanner. Let’s hazard a guess.

Can we watch the game now?

Yes, Buck, EVERYONE loves Mike Lowell.

Look. Ball four. Another on first.

How’d that convo with Lester work out, Bobby V????

See, some people think the Bobby V poomouth is a tactic. Is this a tactic too, Bobby V?

I know! Let’s load up the bases and THEN think about Atchison.

Zero outs. Mm-hmmm.

It’s okay, Jon. It’s not your fault. You’re clearly broken.

It’s Bobby V’s fault for not forcibly lassoing your shaky ass onto the bench. A move he probably learned from Curt Young. I bet Curt Young and Bobby V are friends.

I bet they throw pennies in fountains together, braid hair and go for double pedicures.

“Getting very close to having to make a decision here…”

CLOSE, Remy?

Ball four. Bases loaded.

Oh good. Yes. Here you go, Scott. Bases loaded. No outs. But hey, at least you get a pep talk from Bobby V…

Best Bobby V pun wins… um… something!

Seriously, take Youk-gate out of the convo- how annoyed are we with Bobby V right now?

And why do you think Lester was late on the mound? Bet it has something to do with why he’s early off of it…

WHAT?! MIKE LOWELL? WHERE?! Don’t toy with me, Bruce…

8:23. In case we forgot, Don’s reviewing the damage. Instead of stalling with a monologue about our faults, I’d like to see CARTOONS, Don Orsillo. Can you make that happen? Who should I talk to?

Hi, Scott. Want me to make you a Blame Bobby t-shirt? Oh, Youkie… way to force an out. I love you SO.

5-2 lead. Rangers.

“he’s lucky he didn’t get spiked at third…”

Says Remy.

Yikes. Youkie made a Jacoby face and I was worried for a millisecond. I blame Bobby V.

Scott Atchison reminds me of Dennis Quaid. I have said that before.

We WILL do better, Buck. Farrell. You wait and see.

I DID like Bobby V. I think that’s why this hurts so much…

Grrr.

I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed. AND ANGRY.

Another full count. Ball four as Scotty catches the Lester disease and throws one in the dirt. Bobby V looks uncomfortable. Maybe it’s pre-leprosy. check his fingers!

This guy’s name is Elvis Andrus. And he will strike out. You’ll see.

Bases are loaded.

LOADED. Just the way Lester likes ‘em. Only it’s Atchison up there treading water.

“Pretty good test here for the Red Sox…”

What about the Tampa “test?”

Thanks Remy. He’s got our backs, see.

And it’s in the air… deep… Sweeney makes the catch because he loves us, but it’s still now 6-2.

Matt Albers is warming in the pen. Because, why not?

Base hit. Another score. 7-2. Yep.

Think I can blog and make food at the same time? Bet I can during THIS game…

I mean, if I could stop getting e-mails. Smartphones kind of mean you are allllwwaaaayyyysss working.

I like adding extra letters to things. Kind of like how our pitchers like adding balls to things.

Ryan Sweeney makes another catch. I’d like to point out that MY husband and boyfriend made ALL the outs in that inning.

Hi, Jup!

I think the pitching coach is a figurehead. He’s like the Queen of England to Bobby V’s Tony Blair.

I see it.

8:34. Dustin Pedroia will save us all. He’s like that midget in that movie where the dwarf saved everyone. It was like, fantasy or something, and I didn’t actually see it, I just told people I saw it.

Like the first Terminator.

First out? FIRST OUT? That did NOT happen in the movie I just referenced. I don’t think.

Adrian Gonzalez is hitting. He is going to smack it out of the park so that he doesn’t have to run quickly. You’ll see. Adrian is 7 for 8 in his career against this guy, so I am expecting Greatness. GREATNESS.

Weird camera angles tonight, no?

I think the umpire just said “I’m sorry, two and one.”

YOU’RE SORRY?

Bah. Out. Two outs.

Hell, bring back Wakefield? No hell about it. I wanted Wakefield to stay all along.

Because Wakefield is like Batman. He may not have actual super powers like Superman, but he is a badass and his movies make more money.

El Tiante? That sounds like something I would like to yell.

David Ortiz should play the entire lineup. He should- Oh, Hi, Kevin Youkilis.

I love you.

I’ve always loved you.

I will always love you.

Like in THIS song.

Oh.

Well. Um. At least I have something to sing during the commercial break.

Doooowwwn…

And it’s totally relevant, right?

I think I have this amazing talent for finding the perfect song, really.

It is 7-2. And Larry Lucchino is here.

I mean, he’s going to do a PR vomit, but hopefully he’ll also say something about Youk-gate.

He’s wearing flannel under his suit. Is he wearing flannel under his suit? Or just plaid. It is a poor choice, regardless, Larry. we KNOW you can afford clothes.

Okay. If we’re not going to watch the game, I’d like to watch you answering some actual questions, Larry.

Like why the FRICK you people made investments in soccer and not baseball?

Oh. And why the FRICK you didn’t forcibly tweeze Farrell from Toronto.

Oh… and why the FRICK you didn’t buy us an Oswalt? Or an equivalent.

Oh. And Scutaro. EXPLAIN THAT, Lucchino.

Oh. Sure. Talk about plaques instead. I’m sure that’s what everyone wants to hear.

“The Friday thing has got tremendous national attention…”

Mmmmhmm.

Oh look. He’s done talking.

AND YOU CALL YOURSELVES JOURNALISTS. Do Don and Jerry call themselves journalists?

I’d like to know when the next YACHT trip is.

Your dad looks like WAKEFIELD, Buck? Interesting…

It is 8:47. I know Scotty struck someone out. But I don’t really know what happened because Larry Lucchino was talking a lot. Maybe that’s why we don’t have Roy Oswalt.

Comeonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Can you just make contact with the fricking ball already????

Oh. Um. Not like that. Um. Beltre catches for the first out.

Bah.

THEY ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT PLAQUES? Can’t you do that on your own time? Or on Twitter or something?

I want a lemonade.

Cody Ross. Doing the Ross. That’s my new phrase for horribly sad grimace. Oh…. And he is on FIRST BASE! Oh, Ross, that’s nothing to Ross about! Turn that Ross upside down!

Salty does nothing.

Oh. And there are two outs.

Jason Repko. This will not end well for us.

Pray to Fisk for a MIRACLE.

A MIRACLE!

Off the wall… Ross makes it to third and… Repko is out at base.

I bet Bobby V eats miracles. I bet he fries them up and eats them like chicken.

8:52.

Yes. Wine is good, Jup. I was having glasses of wine. But then I decided drinking from the bottle meant I didn’t have to keep pouring glasses of wine. It was a decision based on efficiency, really.

Hi, Dennis Quaid.

Maybe Mike Lowell can pitch. I mean, if he applies himself.

The Yanks got Pettitte back. I’ll start a letter writing campaign. Dear Pedro…

Atchison STRIKES out… one out… yay…

I’m still writing to Pedro.

Dear Pedro Martinez,

Please come home.

Love,

Lauren.

Through the legs and into center. Of course. And Genry is on first.

Maybe Aviles should play target at a county fair. You know? And dodge water balloons or something. He’d be good at that.

Considering him and Cody Ross like to dodge balls so much.

It’s like the worst game of dodgeball EVER tonight.

Steeeeee-rike.

Mike Aviles goes down face first…

and those of us still traumatized by Jacoby CHOKE ON OUR WINE.

He is okay… He is okay…

He is okay, right?

And another out. But it’s still 7-2, see, and I’m still not pleased about that.

9:02. Maybe my wine is kicking in- but I really think it’s going to be okay now. I have a really good feeling about this inning, guys…

Rock out with me (it’s more fun than listening to Don talk)

I do not like thinking about balloons floating around and killing birds in Boston, guys. But Bobby McFerrin wants me to stop worrying and be happy, so…

Mike Aviles, see, is going to-

Oh. He’s out already?

Bobby McFerrin! There is NOTHING in your song about-

Okay… every little thing… is going to be okay…

Not worrying…. about a thing…

Hi, Dustin Pedroia! I’m not worried.

About a thing… Because every little thing… is going to be-

CAUGHT?

Bobby McFerrin?!

Okay… okay… not worrying… nope…

Be happy…

Ooooooooohooohooohooohoooohhhhhhhhhh

Be happy…

When you’re worried call me…

What’s your number, Bobby McFerrin?

Okay, okay. Adrian Gonzalez. You’re right, Bobby McFerrin.

“When you’re worried, your face will frown and that will bring everybody down…”

Okay, Bobby.

How can you listen to this song and not bob your head back and forth? Seriously. Which beats what I was doing before. The glaring at Bobby V and swigging wine thing.

I really feel like we’re-

Out?

OUT?

What a STUPID song.

“It will soon pass, whatever it is.”

Well, you got that part right, at least, Bobby McFerrin.

You tell ‘em, Louis.

Oh look! More game!

7-2. And a ground ball!

Oh. He’s out. He’s out?

He is out!

Maybe there’s like, an inning delay on Bobby McFerrin magic?

“It’s just one of those nights. Everybody hast them.”

DO NOT pander to us, Jerry Remy.

Do NOT-

Adrian… catches it?

Two outs?

TWO OUTS?

Neato.

Thanks, Bobby McFerrin. It’s nice to have a Bobby on our side. A Bobby that gives us hope. A Bobby that supports us and-

Oh. A home run.

Nobodddddyyyyyy knows… but Jesus…

8-2. Inning is over.

Bah.

It’s okay, you guys. Eighth inning MIRACLE time… sixth inning? Really? Damn.

Right, BRUNO MARS? RIGHT?

Really, Bruno? That’s what you look like? And one out.

Clearly, Ortiz, you need to watch more Sesame Street.

Kevin Youkilis is batting. But he’s Cupid Cursed. So…

See? Strike out. That was YOUR strike out, Bobby V.

A double! A double! By who? MY Ryan Sweeney, of course.

Oh look. The Cody Ross scowl. He should listen to Bobby McFerrin, but on his own time. We have a game to play, see.

Inning is OVER.

I mean, I do blame someone. But you know how I hate calling people out.

I like wine. And music.

Baseball is better with both. Seriously. Let’s create Baseball: The musical! We could Skype it?

Yes?

9:23. Hi, Matt Albers. It is the top of 7th and not the 15th, apparently. Even though it feels like the 15th.

I am jealous of your Merlot. I am zinfandeling it tonight.

Rossssssssss… catches it. Whew. Was worried. What with it coming toward you, Ross. Thanks for remembering how to catch. THIS time.

Jup, have you ever seen “The Guild?” It is on Netflix. And it is about gaming. And I have never played video games. But I do play sports spectating, and sometimes I think it’s the same thing.

We could write a much better musical. There would be so much drama. I mean, obviously, it would star Jason Varitek. And, obviously, a side plot would be my fantastic love with Kevin Youkilis. It would be heartwarming. And we could include Lugo for comic effect!

Mike… Timlin… yes… do you think he needs a job? Because we may need a manager soon…

That is EXACTLY what I mean, Jup!

Hi, FDA! Jon Lester broke.

I like Salty. I do. I don’t care. I think he COULD save us. Maybe he needs inspiration. He’d get some if life was a musical.

Ohcrudmuffins. They caught you, Salty. And there is an out.

And Jason Repko is up. Should we just skip ahead to the out? Everyone cool with that? You know, time constraints and all…

Oh. Apparently not, because he’s still batting.

Oh… high ball… oh…

Never mind. Strikes out. For a second I thought…

Sigh.

Why is the booth talking about chihuahahs? I can’t even spell that, apparently. And I REFUSE to look it up.

Because it is IRRELEVANT.

Mike Aviles strikes out.

Yep.

Everyone strikes out.

I mean, at least they’re bonding as a team?

MIRACLE inning. I feel it.

Come on. Turn your volume up and belt it out Mariah style. It’s our ONLY SHOT!

Jup… I think Tek wants us to do this. I think he… SAFE?

And then Kevin Youkilis will sing a song about vengeance. And rip his hair out in anger. And that’s why he’s bald…

It will be very dramatic. Like that suicide Javert song in Les Mis! Where the lights swirl! The lights will SWIRL.

What a dumb game.

I don’t even know if animated musicals can save us now…

It is the top of the 8th. Which is fine. Because all we need are seven runs, really. That’s all.

What a STUPID game.

Josh Hamilton allegedly got a home run. Um. Allegedly. And it’s allegedly 11-2.

Zero outs. Oh. Look. Another deep ball. Oh. Look. Another home run. Oh. Look.

12-2. Allegedly.

I love that. I love that so much. And John Lackey could realize the error of his ways and purposefully pull his hamstring in a moment of great self-awareness and self-sacrifice.

It would start angry. And then end in swirly lights. Like THIS.

Cole Porter was right. It is so much more fun to write musicals than watch baseball. And, um, Jup… we’re kind of AMAZING at this.

Mark Melancon could be the subject of an ensemble comedy song. See, you know, as people try to pronounce his name…

12-2… The world I have known… is lost in shadow…

Oh look. A home run.

14-2.

Oh look.

I can’t stop looking…

Can’t stop… Can’t…

Yeah. So… Um… Bobby V… we are SO broken up.

This time it’s because you let Jon Lester stay in forever.

My music taste is random tonight. Um.

Jed Lowrie is an understudy’s DREAM, Jup!

You and I could be an angry girl chorus! Like those girls in Little Shop of Horrors? But ANGRY. And with better hair.

I am paying much more attention to the musical in my mind than this game… 9:57.

Youkilis can’t catch. Yep. Bobby V’s fault.

Yep.

Why do we let them do this to us, Jup?

Do you think we could get Bernadette Peters to play Dustin Pedroia? She could pull off ANYTHING.

I love her.

Oh look. Another score.

15-2.

Oh look.

Anything but down…

Everything is crashing to the ground… well maybe I’m not your perfect kind… maybe I’m not what you had in mind… and maybe we’re just killing tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime.

I love music.

Jup. For homework. We need to come up with some fantastic musical scenarios. It has to be us. Because we are so talented. This might be why we’re here, Jup. To share this talent with others.

I love you, Youk. For throwing it, even though it’s a foul. Because you are TRYING. Because you are IN THE GAME.

Oh. Off the wall. Oh. 16-2. Oh. No matter. I am PERFECTLY CALM. Go ahead, Rangers. Just GO AHEAD. I don’t care. You and the umpires make a very happy couple, really. This is for you too, BOBBY V.

It’s 16-2, of course. OF COURSE.

Oh. The inning is over. Oh.

Yes. Oh… and Larry Lucchino could big in an ominous spotlight in the background….

Maybe we could end with controversy… you know? Like Bobby V laughing because he thinks he has won. It would be a nice set up for a sequel…

Oh no. They are giving up. Clearly. WHY ARE THEY GIVING UP? It’s just 15 runs, you guys! That’s all!

HOME RUN FOR A-Gonz!!!
See? Just fourteen more and…

Um…

YAY, home run for A-Gonz!!!!

Tottttally going to be fine.

Two outs? Fiiiine.

All we need is one.

Fiiiiiine. We. Are. Fiiiiine.

Oh. Look. And Bobby Valentine strikes out to end the inning. YOU HEARD ME.

Vincente. We need your serial killer eyes now.

And then we need heads to roll. SERIOUSLY. 14 home runs. ANYTHING LESS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Vincente. He might wrestle crocodiles (he totally does that) and kill people with his eyes, but he LISTENS.

Oh.

Look.

Another home run.

Oh.

And a hit. Oh.

18-3.

Um.

Okay. We can.

Um. Okay.

Um. 17 homeruns? We need that extra homerun.

20 homeruns?

Jup- a step ahead of you. Just makes you nauseous.

I feel…

Um…

Betrayed…

Betrayed enough to do…

THIS:

Music, I would MUCCCHHHH rather listen to you than Don and Jerry right now.

I am so angry.

I am angry.

I am angry and nothing can appease me. NOTHING.

Oh, yay! Ryan Sweeney!

It’s Ryan Sweeney, you guys! He’s on a base! And there are zero outs! And… um… only 16 runs to score! That’s all you guys! It could be worse. It could be 17. They were trying really hard to make it 17. And by they, I of course, mean US.

Desperate times call for… MORE ANIMATION.

WAIT. Celine, you are NOT in the Lion King…

You have cursed us all. Two outs.

Thanks a lot, CELINE.

I have had more wine and decided we will be fine. Because-

Wait… is that Jason Repko? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, BOBBY V????

Vincente and Adrian are asking themselves the same thing.

Oh look. a STRIKE OUT. How very UNFRICKINGPREDICTABLE.

I am angry. Too angry for hate mail. Hate mail, I will deal with you tomorrow.

And Jup. You know the mission.

We have work to do.

And. Um. Things to drink.

Good night.

To everyone except for Bobby V. And Jason Repko. And Celine Dion.

~L

Categories: Drunken Live Blogging

Dear Bobby Valentine, About what you said regarding Kevin Youkilis…

April 16, 2012 14 comments

So. Um. I’m ticked off.

Instead of watching the game during my twenty minute break to walk the El, I’m talking to YOU, Bobby Valentine, in a way I have NEVER talked to one of our managers before. Not Grady Little. Not Tito. Not even John Lackey.

Ahem.

An abridged version of what I wrote earlier today- without the leprosy references and the part about hoping you dissipate into a thousand molecules and that the brain molecules float to Raleigh…

Dear Bobby Valentine,

Maybe, instead of experimenting with spray tanner, talking to the media, practicing your smirks in front of the mirror, oh and TALKING TO THE MEDIA,

You should be developing our players. And not making enemies. Especially ones vindictive enough to start a new segment (look for it tomorrow) with a fun fact about you every day.

L

And a sidenote- for those of you who think this is about Kevin Youkilis- it is NOT. It is about a team MANAGER talking smack about his own fricking team. Unprofessional and Unintelligent.

It doesn’t matter if Kevin Youkilis walks in every day with a Frick-You-Tude. It’s something you deal with privately, a PERSONNEL issue. And not in the media. NEVER appropriate. That’s one of the things that had us as fans so ticked in September, remember? One of those things that was going to STOP in 2012?

For the first time, I want Kevin Youkilis to leave the Red Sox. Because you can’t play in that kind of environment. It’s going to break my heart to see him go- but I don’t think he has a choice. What if your boss was on the radio saying this crap about you?

Bobby V, we’re done.

I’m going to root for your team. And root for you to leave Boston. We need someone who will UNIFY the clubhouse. Not crap all over it.

I don’t like watching people crap, personally.

I’m disappointed.

I really wanted to like you.

So, I’m not the only one questioning this, Bobby V.

“I know he plays as hard as anybody I’ve ever seen in my life. I have his back and his teammates have his back,” Dustin Pedroia said. “I really don’t know what Bobby’s trying to do, but that’s not the way we go about our stuff around here. He’ll figure that out. The whole team is behind Youk.”

No. It’s not, is it, Dustin Pedroia?

Screaming at the Shortstop’s Jup thinks it could be trouble

If you have a blog- and you write about this- e-mail me the link at ohnolauren@gmail.com and I’ll add yours too.

Categories: Uncategorized

Coming out as a Soxzombie. This REALLY just happened to me.

April 15, 2012 11 comments

So. Today I did something. It was a big something. And it’s something that I’ve been meaning to do for awhile. I just couldn’t keep living the double life. I have to be myself, you know?

So I came out.

As a Red Sox fan.

To the boy. The one I date from Boone. The one who visits me.

It was…

Interesting.

Remember the perfect-dream-guy? The one that didn’t call me months ago? And the one that decided to call me before I moved to Raleigh? The boy from Boone?

Yep. That one.

So, he knew I was a Red Sox fan.

But he didn’t know I was a Red Sox FAN.

To prepare him, I took him to a minor league soccer game yesterday. The Railhawks.

We all know I don’t give a frick about soccer. But I do love yelling. It was interesting to see his eyes do that “I’m-with-crazy” thing when I threw my thunderstick and yelled obscenities at the ref.

He said, “Oh. I am beginning to get it. This must be what you’re like.”

I said, “Yes, except I actually CARE about the Red Sox.”

I then had to explain to him what a Soxzombie is. I started out with a few benefits of dating a Soxzombie- of which there are several.

I mean, how often can you predict a girl’s mood with a single click of the mouse? I showed him the Red Sox website where he can easily see my mood in advance of seeing me (convenient) and I showed him the extensive baseball schedule (“See, Matt? I’ll never be clingy!”).

Then I showed him my wall calendar where I color code the games by broadcast schedule. Then I showed him my Sox paraphernalia. Of which I have a lot. Then I showed him my collection of Sox magazines. Then I showed him my Kevin Youkilis bulletin board. THEN I showed him who Kevin Youkilis is (thanks, GOOGLE).

Then I paused, smiled sweetly, and said, “Go Sox.”

And then the pause got longer.

And the smile got awkward.

And he said-

“I think I can be okay with that.”

But he said it strangely, right?

And then I said-

“Well good.”

And he said “Um.”

He “UM-ed” me.

So there was this other pause, right?

And I told him the PawSox are coming into town in a few weeks, and that I wanted him to come.

He said…

“I don’t know.”

And there was a longer pause.

I said, “This is important… and kind of a big deal… and please.”

And then…

He said…

I swear to GOD he said…

“So, I mean, does this mean you’ll dress up as a guy?”

Um. What?
“Like, will you still like, dress up and stuff?”

Um. What?

“Like, when you go to the game, are you like one of the guys, or do you still look hot?”

“I ALWAYS LOOK HOT.”

That conversation really just happened.

And I wanted to share it.

And, in my defense, this guy is 99.999998 percent perfect. Oh. And he fixed my window. And brought me a koozie. And takes me on the river.

He doesn’t know about the blog, really.

I think we’ve come far enough for today.

If you’re in Raleigh- hit the Bistro on Hurricane starting at noon today- Triangle Red Sox Nation is blood driving it and watching the game- and I’ll be live iPhone blogging it…

So… see you in a few.

L

Categories: Uncategorized
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 259 other followers