Home > Scary Red Sox Rants > Kevin Youkilis wants me to be a Stepford Wife but I don’t DO dishes.

Kevin Youkilis wants me to be a Stepford Wife but I don’t DO dishes.

There really aren’t words.

Well. They are. But I am an adult now. And I’m trying not to SAY those words, see.

I’ve had some time to process. To process that thing. You know. The one I will LINK to, but not say out loud.

There are a lot of emotions right now. Anger. Heartache. Anger. Despair. Anger.

And to find out this way.

I was working a corporate event on no sleep and a hallucinatory caffeine buzz. Go back to office. Open email. Get a “haha” email from a coworker with a Link. This link.

I just-

I can’t-

I…

I know what this is, guys. It’s me.

It’s my new job. The new job where I’m making actual money.

Like, dollars.

The kind you read about. The kind people put in banks.

Like real banks.

Not the kind your sister rules in plastic when you play monopoly.

Like a bank with papers. And ids. And signatures. And cash.

Actual cash.

See, I think it’s clear what this is about.

Kevin Youkilis does not like working women.

He is threatened by a strong, career oriented woman. Career women who don’t have time to 100 percent fawn and cry and scream and curse and be fun. Working women who are busy doing things like ironing shirt collars and working and driving and putting actual gas in their car (like, the kind that fills it up, not the kind that goes to the halfway point. The kind that you pay with on the card because the $60 hold on your account won’t compete with your water bill). I’m finally happy and fulfilled and he just can’t stand it. He wants me all to himself, see. He thought he’d pitch a fit. Leave me for the fricking White Sox. Thought that would bring me back. It almost worked, Youkie. It did. But then another project came along and I got busy and… and…

And… he’s…

Nope. Still can’t say it.

You’re like Mr. Banks from Mary Poppins. “You know how Mr. Banks hates the cause…”

I would think that you would be proud of me, Youkie. My readers are. Seriously. So many of them have emailed me to see if I’m okay, alive (a few thought the season killed me). They EMAILED ME. They didn’t send me a nuclear bomb of vomit. That’s what you did to me today, Kevin. You sent me a nuclear bomb of vomit.

In the form of…

Nope. Still can’t say it.

I don’t think he’ll do it, guys. I don’t think-

Seriously. I am happier than I have ever been. I have an amazing boyfriend. I-

Oh God. That’s it, isn’t it? You think just because Matt moved in last month (Matt moved in last month! I live with a boy! I live with a boy and sometimes I wash dishes! Well. Um. I have washed a dish! Um. It was a cup. Um. I have a dishwasher. Um. Well. I threw the plastic cup away. Um.) that I don’t have room in my life for you. You did this, Kevin Youkilis. When you left me for Chicago.

What? You didn’t think I’d move on? You didn’t think I could find someone else? Someone taller? Um. SOMEONE WHO CAN REACH THINGS AND CHANGE LIGHT BULBS AND LISTENS TO TAYLOR SWIFT WITH ME SOMETIMES DURING CELEBRITY REHAB COMMERCIALS?????

You NEVER listened to Taylor Swift with me, Kevin Youkilis.

Maybe I want you to go to…

Nope. Still can’t say it.

I’LL CHANGE! I will quit my job! And wear an apron! And wash your dishes!

You know what, Youkie? Do what you want. You’re irrelevant. And your feet are stupid.

Anyone who can’t support me and my career and my goals and dreams (I have goals and dreams now, guys!) can go to…

I didn’t mean that.

YES I DID.

I just…

I can’t…

I can’t say it.

I can’t…

You know who can say it?

As for my readers,

I miss you.

I miss baseball.

I do not, will not, won’t ever… MISS BOBBY Valentine.

Oh. And regarding Farrell news, I DO have a statement.

I. Told. You. So.

(Interestingly enough, the above link references the job I have RIGHT NOW)

Won’t be another two months. I promise. The nonfunny truth is, my job is really hard. It is really wonderful, but really hard, and required my complete focus. I’m starting to get a grip. Stay tuned.

In the meantime… be happy for me?

And ignore this Youkilis news. It shall go away. Yes. It shall.

He wouldn’t do that, people.

Right?

~L

Um. RIGHT?

JEB WANTS this to happen. HE SAID SO ON FACEBOOK.

  1. December 6, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Can’t tell you how great to read from you again.Please find your way back.We NEED you.If Youk does do it he comes off my wall of fame!

  2. December 6, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Welcome back Lauren! So glad things seem to be going so well for you…Youkilis rumors aside. Hope you’ll be back a lot more often.

  3. FireDannyAinge
    December 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    If anyone understands where you are coming from its me. Derek Lowe, the love of my baseball life has become one and now I have to hate him. I just watched his replica shirt and I wanted to throw it under the lawn mower instead of in the dryer.

    I must say it doesn’t get easier.That whole time will make you forget thing? complete bull shit.

    If I can hate D-lowe you can hate Youkilis. Believe me it gets easier to hate your loved ones when they wear pin stripes and pitch four innings of no hit ball WHEN YOUR PLAYOFF HOPES ARE TRYING TO STAY ALIVE!.

    What are those 5 stages of grief again???

    Welcome back if only for a few, Matt isn’t a Yankee fan is he?

  4. cybellekate
    December 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    The season, nay, the entire stinking sport of baseball, was not the same without you. But don’t toy with us. You can’t write two Posts and then get all busy and adult-like again. Adult, shmadult. Baseball is what’s important in life. For heaven’s sake. Everybody knows that. (Don’t they?) No. He won’t go there. It’s impossible. One year until A Rod comes back and shoves him aside? What would the point be?? Go to the Indians where they’ll appreciate you and you can work for the best and most missed manager in baseball. Heck, maybe in time the whole team could be reunited in…um…Cleveland. There are worse things…
    Oh yeah, congrats on cool life, boyfriend, career thing. :-) How’s your dog????

  5. December 7, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Good to have you back!

  6. December 10, 2012 at 11:02 am

    First person I thought of when the “Youk/Yank” info came up on the ticker across the bottom of my TV screen…you. And here you are…welcome back. Perhaps you will inspire me to resume my ramblings as I do not currently have the adult/work “interruption” to navigate.

  1. December 6, 2012 at 9:01 pm

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