Home > Ask Too Soxy > Hey, Soxies: Some moron thinks we’re screwed.

Hey, Soxies: Some moron thinks we’re screwed.

Apparently, some of us are ready to just…

well… sink.

And, unless you’re James Cameron and have a neat submariney thing, it’s really not that fun down there, guys.

The following is an ACTUAL e-mail exchange from earlier today. The name has been changed to protect the identity of a “fan” who can only be described as a complete moron.

MORON:

So, Lauren. What are you going to blog about now that the Red Sox are fudged*?

(*he didn’t say fudge)

ME:

Um. Hi. Well, considering it hasn’t even been a week of baseball… I think we’ve… um… still got a shot.

MORON:

If you were a real fan and had watched baseball as long as I have, you would know there’s no coming back from this. Obviously you don’t really pay attention.

ME:

….

That REALLY happened.

I have started about eight e-mails to you, MORON, but I… I just can’t…

Wow.

Okay. Hold on. Let me clear my throat. Shake out my shoulders.

Okay.

So. In my other job (my, you know, actual job), I do this thing where I let numbers tell stories. Numbers are fantastic. My math geekiness aside, numbers are the COMPLETE opposite of people. They don’t lie to you. They don’t e-mail you ridiculousness. And they don’t make ridiculous assumptions. And they would never EVER make you watch a Nicholas Cage movie.

So let’s look at the numbers.

SIX days of baseball.

SIX games of baseball.

Let’s see… 6/162.

Let’s do iPhone math, shall we, MORON?

Not even FOUR percent.

My advice? Get out more.

No, seriously. Put on a belt (and pants. Try pants!). Slap on some sunscreen (because, let’s be honest, it doesn’t sound like you’ve seen Mr. Sun in a hot decade). Trek out of your mom’s basement (she’ll still be there, trivial pursuit and all when you get back) and hit the sidewalk. Take a walk. That’s what a sidewalk is for. If you’re feeling randy, invest in a scooter!

Because, clearly, baseball spectating is NOT for you.

Let me put it into perspective for you- throwing in the towel NOW is like-

Going ahead and investing in cats now because you’re fifteen and no one asked you to the sock hop.

Making the pudding switch at age 30 because you know you’ll likely lose your teeth at 95.

Never getting out of bed because you know you’ll be sleeping in 15 hours anyway.

Turning off a movie because Nicholas Cage is in the opening credits. Okay. That one is legitimate.

But you’d have to be a MORON not get my point, right?

Here’s something else that’s moronic- Blaming our rotation.

Go back a few years. Pre-Pedro. Perfect rotations? Wasn’t in the pre-season expectations. It was hitting, hitting, hitting. Am I wrong?

You can have the best rotation on the planet (and I am NOT saying we do), but if you can’t hit, you can’t get a run. You can’t get a run, you can’t win.

You can have the WORST pitching on the planet and still outhit another team.

Logic. Math. Numbers. See why I want to snuggle up with them? Math is so sexy, you guys.

I find it interesting that everyone blamed Santos for OUR win. No one said, hey, look, the Boston bats are back.

I find it interesting that everyone blamed Daniel Bard for OUR loss. No one said, hey, look, the Boston bats are paperweights.

I find it interesting that a TEAM sport is an individual sport when you lose…

And that individual is ALWAYS a pitcher.

It’s six games. SIX games. I’m hardly panicking. But I will tell you that my cloud of concern- it’s not hovering over the pitcher’s mound.

I mean, we managed to win Lackey games last year. Remember?

I am flummoxed.

But still planning to watch our boys come Soxtober. You heard me.

~L

 

Categories: Ask Too Soxy
  1. April 12, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Yet another example of “football” mentality commenting on baseball. If you are 1-5 in football, that’s a big problem. If you are 1-5 in a 162 game baseball season, you say “it’s early.”

  2. April 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Could this slug have pinstripes on his knickerts ?

  3. FireDannyAinge
    April 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Where is your blog on the newest member of the Cleveland Indians. I want to throw up

    • April 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

      Funny you should mention that…

  4. April 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    Soxy…Do not let the nattering nabobs of negativism bring you down…It’s a marathon not a sprint….

  5. April 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I can’t wait for Indians fans to discover Johnny Damon needs a cut-off man to pass the soap in the shower.

  6. Wha Happenin?
    April 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    SRSLY. The Red Sox are already one game ahead of last years pace when they started out 0-6 and look how their season ended: one game away from the playoffs. QED

  7. April 13, 2012 at 11:31 am

    I guess I’m going to have to stop kidding around…”step in” again like I did a year ago (go ahead, check the archives)…and remind everyone on this site to just sit tight. Everything will be fine. And it was fine last season just like I said it would be. Until September. Which I am so NOT responsible for…

  1. April 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm
  2. April 13, 2012 at 6:26 pm

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