Bard-o-drama starts 7ish!

6:55- I have a theory that tonight’s game is a big deal.

Not because of Canada (sorry, Hosers). And not because of the possibility of another swell Santos outing. But because of one man.

DANIEL BARD.

See, tonight, we get to see if the Bard experiment meets up with the Valentin-o-thesis (hypothesis… get it? No?).

Tonight’s game, in that sense, is more important than the Beckett outing (we already knew he could be flukey). And Lester (who wasn’t so bad considering). And Buccholz (meh) and Doubront.

Tonight’s game is going to give us a definite feel for the immediate future of starting pitching- and give the haters a true idea of how screwed we are (or aren’t).

Here’s hoping I’m wrong and that Bard dominates…

I’ll be on intermittently – but I am still at work… so the live blogging will be more infrequent and less drunken. Bah. Oh. And I have a date later. But it’s at a bar. So best believe my focus will be on you, Bard.

I’m interested in your live thoughts as the game progresses- so definitely keep commenting, kids.

Last night was fun.

Let’s do it again…

—-

7:03. Well. Um. At least there’s no seven million minute intro this time.

7:35 I am illegally blogging in traffic because ESPN radio says we are losing! Is it as bad as it sounds???

7:42. Just got home. Bard has his sad face on…

ONE run isn’t so bad, really. ESPN radio had me thinking Soxpocalypse Part Deux…

Hmmm. Arencibia is batting. I can blog, watch baseball and curl my hair at the same time. Yep. Oh no! Did you see that? Ball knocked off Salty’s mask. That’s like, the second attempt on your life in as many days, Jarrod!

I am glad you’re okay.

Nice strikes. This doesn’t look so bad… I am suspicious. Why doesn’t this look so bad? One out. And Arencibia strikes out. So we’re at KK now…

Really, why the panic, ESPN? Were you seeing something I wasn’t? Confuzzled.
Three outs!

Word up.

Hi, FDA. Would you wear your hair up or down if you were going to have drinks with a super Democrat? 9:46.

Tonight is Twitter Tuesday at Rogers Centre? There’s a Twitter Tuesday? What the frick is that, Canada…

7:49. Did I hear that correctly? Did Youkie poo hit something earlier?

These announcers sure are critical of their own guys…

Nick Punto! Is that you? I am excited to s-

Oh. And it’s caught.

Oh. Well. Um.

Ellsbury- easily thrown out at first. EASILY.

Ellsbury, you are SCARING me.

“I’ll take my chances with young pitchers who have stuff any time,” announcer says.

UmK.

“It’s worked for Atlanta over the years.”

Really?

One, two, three outs.

—

FDA- I’m thinking the kid’s okay. I’m thinking I’ll get to (thankfully) eat my words. 7:53. Optimism is a NICE way to end the work day…

“The growth continues for a young pitcher.” The Canadian announcers think they are narrating a movie and not a game.

Hi, Daniel.

“Four of the five starters came through the Red Sox-minor league system…”

Yep.

“That’s a real good thing for an organization. To grow your own starters.”

Yep.

Remember Masterson?

I miss Masterson.

I mean, not at this particular second, because you’re kind of kicking ass, Bard. Tek would be so proud (TEK!).

Do you think Tek’s watching this game?

CRAP. I hope Tek didn’t watch that. Centerfield hit.

It is okay. Please do not break down like you do sometimes when they pile up, D-Bard… it’s just ONE guy at first. You still have this. I mean, it’s Kelly Johnson at the bat…

FOCUS.

The booing is kind of immense today…

TooSoxy visitor Mike (a Toronto fan) is AT the game today. I hope he is having fun and taking pictures. Particularly of Brett Lawrie.

SERIOUSLY, PEDROIA???

Was that leap for show? Because you COMPLETELY missed. In case you didn’t notice.

And now there are two people at bases. I mean… JUST two people, Bard. No reason to break into stress sweats like you did last year.

JUST two people. First and second. Just two people…

Oh. Hi, Bautista.

FDA. That is scary. Because I am doing so many multiple things. 8:01. Bautista, apparently, has never hit Bard. So. Um. That’s goooood.

There are no outs, by the way. And jays at first and second.

Bautista is doing this stupid chewy spit thing that would be embarrassing if we gave a frick about Bautista.

Bard’s eyes are doing his glinty fearful thing. Crap.

Bautista tossed the bat aside and got a late strike call and there were boos and it was hilarious.

Especially since it was such an OBVIOUS strike.

Full count, sucka.

And an awesome strike. The 360 strike that looks like it hurts. NICE one, Bard. You can do this. ONE fricking out.

Adam Lind, aka Squinty, is at bat. You know. Squinting. Cause he’s good at that.

“The cleanup spot behind Jose Bautista is really important and he knows he needs to do his job.”

Well, I hope he knows that. Another astute announcer observation.

Base hit up the middle with two strikes… Escobrat scores. 2-0, Jays.

It’s JUST two runs, Bard. WIPE that look off your face. WIPE. IT. OFF. You’re with the big boys now, Daniel.

Because they are Canadians and they lost their towels, that’s why, FDA.

Encanaswat is batting. And Daniel’s doing his nervous thing with his eyes…

Grrrr.

I am doing something with MY eyes too.

Canada is rallying or something. They are quite loud. Oh. Security is chasing a fan.

“We’re not going to show you that, of course…”

WHY NOT, CANADA?

Apparently, Bobby V got upset last night when they threw out debris? I don’t remember that.

Wow, Bobby V looks pretty peeved right now. Nicely timed closeup, Canada…

8:07. FDA, take a benadryl. It’s probably your losing allergy acting up again.

We’re talking about determination now. Because, you know. That’s unique.

Back to action… high pitch… of course.

“They need to get the bats rolling a bit.”

“They’re looking for that big hit.”

Oh, announcer astuteness.

Come on, BARD. Get it together.

A pop… OUT. Jacoby catches the ball. It is nice that he remembers to catch. At least he knows he is playing baseball. I mean, you wouldn’t know it from his h-

OH! Brett Lawrie is up! Brett Lawrie is up!

Some bitch in the crowd has a “Marry Me, Brett Lawrie” sign.

Whatev.

Try not to be distracted by Brett’s hotness, Bard.

We should buy Brett Lawrie. See? Base hit.

Kelly Johnson is at home. Salty looked like he had it. But whatever.

It is 3-0 Jays, of course.

And now Daniel Bard’s about to really lose it.

Does anyone have an extra chill pill they can throw at him?

“A chance to break the game wide open here…”

Really? Because it’s 3-0. And you’re batting. A CHANCE? The game IS wide open.

Um.

John Farrell, I miss you.

Do you think Bard would pitch like this if Tek was here?

Toronto, I like your gloves.

Strike out. KKKK for Bard. But it’s 3-0. So no one is going to remember that part, Daniel.

—

Hi, John!

It is way hard to curl your hair and type, btw.

Papi is batting. There is one out. And more panic on twitter than when Josh pitched- and he was way worsem, btw…

Pop out…

YOUKKKKK

OW.

I just burned the sh$% out of myself. Three outs. Um…

—

Seriously- I cannot believe I am the one defending him… but Bard is not THAT bad… I mean… I was expecting worse…

2 outs.

And 3 outs. See?

—

8:28. My boyfriend, Ryan Sweeney, is batting.

Bah.

Now it’s Frowny. Aka, Cody Ross, the guy whose attitude we broke. DOUBLE.

Nice. And Salty is at first. So. Salty at first, Ross at third… and we’re starting to play.

Don’t you love it when hitters at least TRY to back up their pitchers? Remember when that was an expectation?

TWO outs. But a solid foundation to score, really. One would think.

Nick Punto, I am NOT impressed with you.

And… one out later… I’ll second my own statement. BAH.

Daniel Bard. 8:37. Announcers just called him a roller coaster.

Pedroia SNAGS it out of the air for the first out. I like that, announcer. SNAGS. Because that’s exactly what he did. ONE out. It’s teh 5th, in case you were wondering.

Well… the offense COULD be worse. i love it when JB strikes out… 2 outs…

What is the basketball score? How are my heat doing?

Oh no. They just mentioned Tek again. SNIFF.

Cleaning inning. Out. Good job, Bard.

Walking my dog. Steven, you are in charge.

OHMYGOD. Ellie just had a fish in her mouth. I am not kidding. Someone threw out a fish. And she tried to…

OHMYGOD I just touched a fish. And I have a date at 9:15. SO much washing. SO much.

I think I’ll have to redo my hair. It has been near fish.

8:50. Okay. The cries of ewewewewewewewewew emanating from my lips are starting to subside.

I am really thrilled about the lead off walk. like, really thrilled. But I kind of wish it was a lead off HIT.

Come on, Pedroia. It’s like he listens to me. OFF THE WALL!

Ellsbury stopped at third. Pedroia at second.

That’s a great place for Ellsbury to be. (Ah… Pettitte home steal… ah… memories…)

Pedroia. You are happy (pay attention Ross). You can hit (AHEM, Youk). And you are adorable (Um, Lackey).

You are everything we should be.

That’s why you are president of the “those-who-give-a-sh$%” club.

A-Gonz. Remember that thing we talked about? The RUNNING thing?

I think we should watch Forrest Gump together. Then I can explain some things.

Changeup to center… Bautista catches. ELLSBURY! SCORE.

Pedroia… hit him… crap. Are you okay, Dustin? You can tell me.

Are you broken? DAMN you, Toronto… if you hurt Dustin…

His elbow…

I love you, Dustin. It is 1-3 now. We shall avenge your elbow. And by we, I mean Papi. Who depends on people like me to cheer for him. So I say we.

SB- Sorta. I’ll be more intermittent soon because I have to leave for my date. It is a bar date. So I’ll be checking in via iphone obnoxiously.

I kind of don’t want to go now. I feel as though I am needed here.

ORTIZ WALKS!

I am just excited to have two people on base. Because that is the exact amount we need. MATH. How I’ve always loved you.

This is for you, Dustin Pedroia.

You are welcome, guys.

There are lyrics if you want to sing along, Steven.

Youkilis is one for two, guys! That means he hit something!

Maybe he’s back. Are you back?

Then I can play this song.

You are welcome again.

Come on, Youkie. I love you more than I love the Backstreet Boys. And that is a lot.

Because I grew up in the 90s.

Oh, I know Steven. I am counting on you.

Hi, Kevin. I love you so much that I’ll put embarrassing-to-admit-I-like-them music videos on my blog.

Double play. CRAPOLA.

I take my song back, Kevin. I TAKE IT BACK.

DAMNIT.

You broke my heart, Youkilis.

Okay. Leaving for the bar. You kids have fun. Be back momentarily via the iphone…

FDA, you can play DJ.

Holy frick. 6-1?! Does this mean I cannot ever leave my house? Starks and o’s are tied 4-4, to the chagrin of stank fans here…

I just asked guy next to me at bar(waiting) what the f happened. He says he took his eyes off for a second. So did god, apparently. Frowny mcfrownerson is batting. 9:28.

I always believed in you, youkie. Never doubted you for a second.
Hi, salty.

Sidebar. You know what I miss about living on the mountain? Bright headlights. You can’t do that in the city…

Come on, salty………
Do it for America! And for homer simpson ( that was for you, mike)….
Or for me. Do it for me.

A walk. ‘at’ll do, salt.

That was in my babe pig farmer voice, btw.

I am glad we have two outs bc punto is batting….

And the. Ellsbury. Remember when that was comforting? Just make it to ellsbury, they’d say…

This sucks.
My friend texts and says he will be here in a sec….
This tv is nesn and I can see jerry remy. They are talking about how well the sox will do if…
I refuse to listen to this.
Hurry up and pitch, perez.
Hi, jacoby.
And he is out…

How annnnnnoying.

Bah. Guy is here. Bah

That sucked. 7-1

It is 11:05. And that was horrible. 7-2. Dustin pedroia is the only reason we are not embarrassed. Speaking of embarrassed- all I can talk about on my “date” is the boy from Boone. I have problems.