Lost in translation: The story of Eduardo and how I keep accidentally hitting on Yankee fans.
Tonight, on a bracket high (for a whole few minutes. SCREW YOU, VCU. SCREW YOU), I decided to go out.
See, this is big deal. Now that I work like, a real job. With, like, sleep requirements… my social life… well, it’s a lot like the beginning of a romantic comedy. Jill just has no time for boys! Until Jack comes into her life with a charming sense of whimsy…
So, I went out with Allison and Dave. I know Allison from college. And I know Dave from Allison. So, it’s easy to see why they are my two BEST FRIENDS.
A guy sits next to me with shoulders you could… well… um… hit people with.You could totally use them as a weapon. Like, you could fit them into your purse (it would have to be a big purse) and beat someone senseless.
We start talking. He’s a minor league baseball player. Or was. He wasn’t so good at the English. Outfield, I think. Something about San Francisco? Anyway, with shoulders like that, I thought I could understand him just fine.Venezuela. Say it again, I say. Venezuela.
That’s when it got weird. He starts talking about PINEDA. In present tense. Then he starts talking about how Nick Swisher is his “man.” And he’s serious. Oh, he’s serious.
In my defense, imagine him saying the word “Venezuela” with this lilty Latino sex vibe… oh… and the shoulders. I mean, I’m sure he had like a face and stuff too.
Why do the hot shouldered guys of this world have to like the Yankees? I say, “I’m a Red Sox fan.”
But it’s not like a, “wow, you’re so astute in your baseball team selection” kind of smile.
It’s a “I am thinking hilarious things about you in Spanish right now” kind of smile.
I don’t like this fricking smile. But I let him talk… because, well, you weren’t there. You didn’t hear him say “Venezuela.” So you can’t judge me.
He tells me he thinks David Ortiz has a ‘tude. I think that’s what he’s saying. He could have also said he had a David Ortiz nude.
I tell him my player is Kevin Youkilis. And he did this shady laugh thing. A SHADY LAUGH THING.
What the frick.
He asks me to come back to Fuquay. It takes me a really long time to realize that’s a place in North Carolina. I say, no thanks. And he loses interest very quickly.
But I sat for awhile thinking about how, after all these years, even in a new city with ACTUAL Red Sox fans, I am still a fricking Yankee magnet. Is it me? It must be.
I wonder if I should go out with this guy just so he’ll say Venezuela again. I have been drinking.
Did you know I have to be at work at 7 a.m.?
Venezuela. What a sexy place.
I knew a sky diver from Venezuela.
So. Um. Clearly I can’t go out with this guy.
Right? Um. Maybe he would just read my answering machine…
I could go out with him just once.
You know, even the dream guy (the guy who is perfect, other than the living in Boone thing)- his parents are Yankees fans. Hmm.