Home > Uncategorized > A Legacy in his WAKE- Timmy to make decision by this weekend

A Legacy in his WAKE- Timmy to make decision by this weekend

Our father, Tim Wakefield, hallowed be his pitch… may be hitting the National League.

Is it wrong to kind of want to see that happen because Timmy-at-the-bat sounds entertaining? Oh. Right. National League. As in NOT IN BOSTON. I can feel the gods themselves trembling, can’t you?

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. I know that you are (well) old enough to make your own decision, but let me tell you what I, the official spokesman today (why not?) for Red Sox Nation has to say…  You could retire… OR-

Go to spring training as a non-roster player!

Do it, Timmy, and here’s why-

You come through in a clutch. You know it. We know it. Benny C knows it.

We’re going to need your clutch powers this summer. We’ve got Dice-K (who, let’s be honest, could melt like Elphaba by May). We’ve got Bard (who, let’s be honest, is so going to wind up back in the bullpen. I hope I’m wrong). We’ve got Josh Beckett (who, let’s be honest, is one beer can away from punching that sexy pitch fist through the dugout). And Buccholz (who I predict will break in June). And then we’ve got the bargain binners and the criminals (Vincente, you know they’re alllllll thinking it). And let’s be honest. We’re not even going to have Jason Varitek and his stern, but firm looks and worldly control over all things pitchtastic. Children need a father figure, Timmy. And trust me, our bullpen/rotation is full of CHILDREN. Without you, they’ll be awash in a sea of confusion and cupcakes (see, I predict cupcakes will be the beer-chicken of 2012).

Stay. Have a shot at the Clemens record. Stay. Retire in a uniform. Stay. Continue to have fans that don’t just count on you for strikes- but respect you for decades of service.

Or go. Go to the National Leagues. Hang out. Tell all your “back in my day” stories to an inattentive audience. And have to move. Moving, Tim, SUCKS. There’s packing. And box finding. And packing. And not ALL liquor stores will give you boxes. And there’s u-haul renting. And deposit paying. And lease get-outing. And before you know it, you have your first gray hair. Well, you think it’s yours. It could be your dog’s. You both have very similar hair. And she does steal your hair brush.  And why did you buy all those canned black beans anyway? You can’t throw them away. They’re food. You can’t give them to the poor because you’re poor. They’re too heavy for the crappy boxes. And damnit, BOONE. WHY ARE YOU SO COLD?

What were we talking about again?

Oh. Right.

DON’T LEAVE US, TIM WAKEFIELD!!!!!

“We’re discussing the options — and he has some options — and over the next few days, we’re going to try to figure it out,” agent Barry Meister said by phone today. “These next few days is just a period of introspection, where he’s trying to decide what to do, whether to play, who to play for.”

Meister is a great last name. I think it means master.

Barry Meister won’t pack up your boxes for you, Tim Wakefield.

And you’re old. And you probably have a bad back. You probably got it from helping the aliens craft the pyramids during your teenage years. Carrying that sleeper loveseat down all those stairs in the snow is REALLY going to suck for you.

So, Soxies! What are your thoughts on Timmy? Recount your memories- and maybe, together, we’ll convince daddy to stay.

~L

PS- It’s not official, but I found a smarmy Timmy fan page.  I mean, MY blog has more visitors… but…

  1. February 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm | #1

    “Our father, who art Tim Wakefield, hallowed be thy pitch…” Brilliant! You made me lol on the train. Other passengers now think I’m nuts. Thanks for that. But, still, brilliant.

    I would like Father Tim to stay one more year. As insurance. Thanks for asking!

  2. February 9, 2012 at 6:16 pm | #2

    Honestly wouldn’t mind seeing Wakefield go one more year, given how the pitching staff has a history for depleting as the season rolls on. Varitek on the other hand is a different story.

  3. Jup
    February 9, 2012 at 7:06 pm | #3

    I cannot handle losing Timmy and Jason in the same offseason. If he leaves us, I do believe I will require hospitalization for some ‘quiet time’

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