Mannywood. Oh. My. God. It's real.

You guys know how much I LOVE to make fun of egotistical fan sites, right? I found the best one today. THE BEST ONE. The site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as the farmer in Babe. A site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as dryer lint, really. A site that makes… well… why don’t you just SEE FOR YOURSELF.

Just when you thought it was safe to refresh your browser… THERE IS A VIDEO. A VIDEO, Soxies. With AMERICAN FLAGS.

So, I found THIS while looking to see if the juice king himself was really taking another shot at the ALE (he is, by the way, the ORIOLES, but that’s not nearly as laughable as that opening video).

It’s like the universe is wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously. There’s so much to make fun of! There’s the intro, obviously. The bio. The fact that his middle name is Aristides. The fact that he’s called a “fixture,” a star, a hitter… but not a juicer? Oh! And it says he’s a Dodger (way to update, Juiceter)- but makes NO MENTION OF HIS RED SOX TENURE! How interesting, because when I talk about the Red Sox, I make no mention of you, Juicy Juicerez.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And there are photos! There’s a whole clicky button for photos (they leave out this one, though). And a section for Kids! Where you can play him (yeah, you’ll see his name enough on the website. I don’t have to type it on this blog) battling aliens! It’s like you’re throwing baseballs at aliens, but to make it more fun, do what I did and imagine it’s a syringe. There are even T-SHIRTS. I would LOVE to meet someone who actually buys these T-Shirts.

AND- just when you think the website can’t get ANY BETTER- oh, it does. It does.

There’s a FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS page! Strange, though, in between his favorite cartoon (Anime? Really?) and favorite movie (the Matrix, by the way), there’s nothing in FAQ about his favorite steroid. Or his favorite place to inject. Or even his favorite mug shot!!!! I kind of feel cheated, you know? Manny, you know a lot about cheating…

So, as my me-Birthday gift to you, I leave you this amazing gem to make fun of. May it bring you as much joy as it did to me. And, of course, alien-hating children everywhere.

~L

What a GREAT day. Thanks, Juice King. Thanks.

Seriously. It can’t possibly be REAL, can it? Can it?

PS- Just when I thought it couldn’t get funnier… CLICK HERE. Just do it.