Dear Roy Oswalt, We're through. Sincerely, Lauren

It’s JUST like this:

If you don’t love us, LET US GO, Roy Oswalt.

Roy Oswalt is still mulling offers. And we “still have a shot” with him. What-thefrick-ever.

I no longer care. This guy must have a bigger ego than Prince Fielder.

I get mulling your options. I do. But I’m not a fan of people who drag others along for their ride to nowhere-ville. I have girlfriends whose men (and I use that term lightly) pull the same shit, Roy. You, Roy, are not the bees’ knees. You are not Pedro Martinez. You are not Mike Lowell. And you are NOT (let me repeat) NOT Kevin Youkilis. So slide off your high horse and get back on the track with the rest of us. You can’t do that, can you? You have to occupy OUR Google news alerts with your “will he, won’t he” bull shit.

So, Roy Oswalt, on behalf of Red Sox Nation, I rescind the offer. You are no longer welcome in Boston. Go home and don’t let the door hit you in the cup on your way out.

I don’t know if you KNOW this, Roy, dear, but we had this little morale issue last year. We had a couple attitude issues. Some chicken. Some beer. You know. And this season? Well, it’s time for an attitude adjustment. It’s time to up the ante and get our heads in the game. And if your head isn’t in Boston, WE DON’T WANT YOU.

Same to you, Edwin Jackson. Seriously. Instead of all these articles saying that you’re “unlikely” to sign with us, CUT THE CORD.

Stop building us up for rejection.

It’s like this:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO MAKE A FRICKING DECISION? I spent less time mulling MY offers and I guarantee you that you’re BOTH ending up with more moolah.

WHATEVER.

See, we don’t need you. Because DICE-K WARMED UP IN A BULLPEN THIS WEEK!!!!

It’s on now, suckas.

Our ship is coming in. Oh, yes.

So grab a life vest.

~L

PS- Speaking of irritation, our own big Papi may be sending us to an arbitration hearing. Blah. Whatever, I say. I’m just glad he’s on our boat.