Home > Uncategorized > Moving sucks. But either way, Roy Oswalt, you’re still going to have to pack.

Moving sucks. But either way, Roy Oswalt, you’re still going to have to pack.

I think I get it. I think I get why it seems to irritate these baseball players to be offered loads of money to move to a new city and play a game.

Because, see, I have an offer too, Roy Oswalt. More money. To move. And I should be celebrating. Or eating cake. Or dancing to Cheap Trick or something. But I’m not. Because I have cleaning and packing and cleaning and packing. Is that why you’re not excited? Because you know, Boston or otherwise, you still have to pack…

I think that’s it. Baseball players just don’t want to move. Because moving is horrifying. Terrifying. Annoying. Irritating. Sweaty. Gross. Inconvenient. And heavy. Oh. And expensive. So expensive. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. Roy Oswalt. And Edwin Jackson. And the rest of the baseball players of America who don’t want to move to Boston.

It’s so expensive, that I’ve resorted to some creative, if humbling tactics. Like begging. And Craigslist ads.

I'm making progress. Sorta.

But see, Roy Oswalt, you’re rich. You can pay people to do this crap for you. I looked it up. For like $1,500, you can even get someone to put everything in boxes for you. $1,500. Hmmm. What do you think they’ll do for $15? I can spare $15. $22. But that’s ALL I have in my emergency vodka fund.

Which means… I’d have to do some of this sober…

THAT could be a problem…

But not for YOU, Roy Oswalt.

You could probably drink mimosas on your porch (it’s going to have to be beer if you’re moving to Boston) and take bets on which mover splits a disk first. You could probably sit on your porch and play a rich person game. Like bridge. You could drink mimosas. Play bridge. And watch blue collar workers break themselves over your canopy bed. Do you have a canopy bed? If I was rich, I’d have a canopy bed. I think I’m going to buy a canopy bed. But I’m going to wait until I get to Raleigh so I don’t have to move it. Maybe I could donate all of my things to charity and get new things. Um. From a charity. In Raleigh. Um. Things cost money…

If you don’t want to go the professional mover route and, you know, actually accomplish something. You could hire college students. Or. Um. Me. I bet moving your things would be more interesting than moving my things. Can I have your canopy bed? You can pay me $1,500 exactly so that I can get to Raleigh.

I have a lot of girly things. Like really, really girly things. Like Miley Cyrus-esque hot pink things. I should get rid of my hot pink things. Adults don’t have hot pink things. I’m already pushing it with my Red Sox lamps…

Some free advice- NEVER watch your boyfriend’s cats for five months. Because he won’t pay you back for food like he said he would. And, when you break up and they’ve destroyed your carpet and made your house smell, the ex will just call you a bad word in a grocery store parking lot. I mean, I’ve heard that can happen. Um…

—–

So, in relevant to everyone else news, the Sox could actually get something out of this Cubs situation. I mean, -I- doubt it… but some people actually think we’ll see a payday.

We’re NOT close to a deal with Edwin Jackson. Of course not. Because that would be the opposite of stagnancy. And stagnancy is the off-season theme. Can’t depart from the theme. Oh no.

In I’ll-Elaborate-On-This-Later news, Timmy Wakefield is thinking retirement.

We have another random bargain bullpen (seriously- what’s with this?).

Oswalt hates us.

Jenny Dell stole my job.

And I have so much fricking packing to do that it is interfering with my Sox news alerts.

~L

Oh. And Jose Canseco STILL hasn’t e-mailed me back.

He did update his twitter feed, though.

Jose, it’s not about the money, is it? Because I’ll give you $22 to move a couch. It’s enough to buy… um… vodka.

Packing and packing and packing. Looking for music to pack to. But still on that Gavin DeGraw kick…

Do you think John Lackey’s TJ surgery means he can’t lift things? Because we could load him up like a packhorse! I mean, he’s already paid for…

  1. January 30, 2012 at 1:20 am | #1

    I Always Hated Moving.
    Not Because Of The “Moving Somewhere Else” Part.
    Just The “Packin’ My Chit” Part.
    Loved The Trip.
    Also HATED HATED The “UnPackin’ My Chit” Part.
    Hang In There, Ms. Soxy.
    Progress Is STILL PROGRESS!!! ;)
    L8r, Pretty Lady!
    -BRADLEY

  2. January 30, 2012 at 10:38 am | #2

    Gavin will likely be the most help in your move, compared to Jose or Roy. I’m not sure I’d trust Jose or Roy with the fragile stuff. Jose might break it. Roy might throw it. Let Gavin do “the lifting.” Suggestion: don’t throw anything away (just because you’re moving) you’ll regret later. Better to pack it up and then decide when you take it out of the box in Raleigh and then you don’t want to put it out…get rid of it…by donating it. Your trash, another’s treasure…pink or otherwise.

    • January 30, 2012 at 11:03 am | #3

      yeah. um. i kind of went dumpster happy already… um…

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