Archive for January, 2012

2004 ALCS flashbacks and singing birds. And rainbows. And probably a unicorn.

January 31, 2012 1 comment

What a beautiful day in Boone, North Carolina! The sun, Soxies, is shining. The temperature is NOT freezing. The mood? Chipper. That’s right. CHIPPER. All, my dears, is right with the world.

And the internet is complimenting my day. The internet NEVER does that.

See, in honor of the Super Bowl, Time Magazine recreated great New York vs Boston moments

Like the 2004 ALCS!

It’s like Time Magazine said to itself, “how can we make Lauren’s already spectacular morning even more spectacular? Why, with a double dose of 2004 miraculousness.”

The Sox didn’t need extra-innings to win game six but rather starting pitcher Curt Schilling bravely playing through the pain of a torn tendon sheath to pitch the Sox to victory (it would forever be known as the bloody sock game). By now the Yankees were reeling and with Johnny Damon hitting a grand slam early on in the winner-take-all game seven, New York couldn’t recover and arguably the greatest choke in sports history was complete. The Sox became the first team in MLB history to lose the first three games and win a seven-match series. They didn’t lose another game, sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series to finally end the 86 year-long curse.

So, see, Oswalt, I no longer give a frick what you do. Go ahead and meet with the fricking Rangers. It is of little consequence today.

And Delcarmen, I LOVE that you’re the Stank’s problem now. Good for you. Have fun.

And sure, Ben Cherington. Tell the world that our rotation is game ready. Go ahead.

Not even your extreme denial can bring me down today.

Because there are birds today, people. Birds. And they are singing and not shitting all over metaphorical cars. You know. Like hopes and dreams.

The shithawks? Not hovering around MY head.

Yay, today.

Life is good.


PS- Are you my Twitter friend yet? Because you should be.

An ode to Timmy: Timmy Wakefield

January 30, 2012 5 comments

Tim Wakefield, aka Father Time- as the media would have you believe, wants another year. See, Wake’s the definition of a utility player- the first to raise his hand and literally the last to leave the bullpen. He’s like our “Wonder Years” dad. You know. But happier and slightly less curmudgeonly. There with supportive words of wisdom and the occasional scowling wisecrack. Working quietly in the background. But highlighted in select episodes so that we’ll be guilted into telling our own fathers “thank you?” But, you know, not always integral to the front-and-center Fred Savage-Winnie plot today?

What a great show...

In other words, Tim Wakefield is a workhorse. Just one that may be working at spending his money next season, not getting ours…

“I just saw that (Jorge) Posada retired, you know it’s something that my wife and I need to talk about,” Wakefield said, according to “I’d probably need to talk about it with my kids, too. Ultimately, I would like to obviously play for the Boston Red Sox for one more year and see where it goes.”

Anyone else imagine his voice all mopey when he says that?

Okay. Now imagine it in this voice!

With the Sox since 1995. I was eleven. MLB debut in 1992. I was six. 200 wins. 2,156 strikeouts. A bazillion smiles.

Despite suffering through one of his worst seasons of an otherwise solid and sometimes spectacular career, the Eau Gallie High graduate and Florida Tech baseball standout is convinced he can still help a team win.

And it’s not that repetitive denial that has-beens repeat on their Facebook and Twitter feeds. Wake DOES have stones left.

It’s just- do those stones fit into our ball park and our ALREADY cramped pen?

“There have been a number of clubs who have called, who have an interest in signing me but I’m kind of just weighing my options right now,” he said, obviously waiting and hoping that Boston will make an offer. “I think I can be a valuable asset to them as an insurance policy, you know a fifth or sixth starter or if something doesn’t pan out for some of the guys they have already penciled in to the rotation. You know that’s kind of been my job these last two years; I don’t have a problem doing that.”

Getting past the condescension of the author’s “obviously waiting” remark (I hate condescending reporters, don’t you?)… He knows his value. As an insurance policy.

If the choices for No. 5 starter come down to reclamation projects like Aaron Cook, Carlos Silva and Vicente Padilla, or a number of other untested or questionable choices (Junichi Tazawa is one), is Wakefield really so undesirable?

And that is assuming Daniel Bard fits in as No. 4 starter, which remains an assumption for now.

Bobby Valentine has already said he cannot imagine Wakefield competing for a job. That might sound cold, but whatever the Red Sox owe Wakefield (and a roster spot is not on the list), the newly hired Valentine owes him nothing.

He’s not asking to take the lead. He’s not asking for $$$. He’s not asking for fame. He’s just asking to keep playing baseball, with a humility that SOME people (ahem, Lackey. Papelbon. Probably Jacoby next year) could learn from…

And even at 45-he can still be a benefit. My thoughts? We hold onto him. Not make him part of our regular rotation. Not make him part of our bullpen. But keep him for a clutch moment when everyone’s arm is shot. Going to happen. Late this summer when the rotation is tired and we need a miracle. A hero. Someone with a good attitude. Because when Tim does rise from the ashes of everyone else’s failure- that’s when he pulls it out. That’s when he shines. And that’s when debates start about his robotness. Save him for when we need him. And let him retire in a Sox jersey. He’s earned it.

And seriously, Benny C. Call. Him. Back.

You NEVER forget to call your father. Bad things happen, Ben Cherington. Bad things. He’ll just show up at your doorstep. He’ll just show up. And demand to see your packing progress. And when you don’t have packing progress, he’ll compensate by packing your coffee. And you won’t be able to find it. And you’ll have to go to a gas station Monday morning. A GAS STATION. That’s $1.99 you’ll NEVER get back, Ben.


PS- and this is random- but I miss Mike Lowell. I miss Mike Lowell so much that it hurts sometimes.

Mike Lowell would NEVER have let Soxsplosion happen. No, sir. Not Mike Lowell…

I’m okay… I’m okay…


In less somber news (because that was somber, man), Curt Schilling is expressing his opinions again. This time about something waaay more relevant than his usual cup of bitters. He’s defending something video gamey that I’ve never heard of. Whatever, Curt. Did you know he owned a video game studio? Did you care?

HuffPost released an interesting list today- the 10 worst contracts in baseball. Carl Crawford is #10. John Lackey is #6. Alex Rodriguez is #3.

There’s no way for the Yankees to get out from under a contract that will pay A-Rod $21 million during the season he turns 42. And then there’s the $30 million in home run bonuses he stands to earn. The Yankees print money, but yikes!

Jason Werth is #1? Really?


Manny Ramirez, Juice King, may be back in the MLB fold, as the A’s are rumored to crave juice… Be a part of the collective eye roll in 3, 2, 1… NOW.


MLB is reeealllyyyy struggling for news. So they popped up a craptastic piece about how we don’t always know who wins or loses pre-season. Wow with the ace reporting, skip. We allllll know which team this article aims to scrutinize passive aggressively.

Roy Oswalt, enjoying the attention, clearly, is going to milk it just a little bit longer before taking a deal with (probably) the Cardinals.

And here’s a theory about putting Jose Iglesias in the shortstop dance.


So. How’s your Monday?

I’d quit again, if I could.

Is a dramatic exit redundant when you’ve already put in your two weeks? I think it might be time to stage “I quit: The Musical.” I’m good on vocals, but I’m going to need a five string…


Moving sucks. But either way, Roy Oswalt, you’re still going to have to pack.

January 29, 2012 3 comments

I think I get it. I think I get why it seems to irritate these baseball players to be offered loads of money to move to a new city and play a game.

Because, see, I have an offer too, Roy Oswalt. More money. To move. And I should be celebrating. Or eating cake. Or dancing to Cheap Trick or something. But I’m not. Because I have cleaning and packing and cleaning and packing. Is that why you’re not excited? Because you know, Boston or otherwise, you still have to pack…

I think that’s it. Baseball players just don’t want to move. Because moving is horrifying. Terrifying. Annoying. Irritating. Sweaty. Gross. Inconvenient. And heavy. Oh. And expensive. So expensive. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. Roy Oswalt. And Edwin Jackson. And the rest of the baseball players of America who don’t want to move to Boston.

It’s so expensive, that I’ve resorted to some creative, if humbling tactics. Like begging. And Craigslist ads.

I'm making progress. Sorta.

But see, Roy Oswalt, you’re rich. You can pay people to do this crap for you. I looked it up. For like $1,500, you can even get someone to put everything in boxes for you. $1,500. Hmmm. What do you think they’ll do for $15? I can spare $15. $22. But that’s ALL I have in my emergency vodka fund.

Which means… I’d have to do some of this sober…

THAT could be a problem…

But not for YOU, Roy Oswalt.

You could probably drink mimosas on your porch (it’s going to have to be beer if you’re moving to Boston) and take bets on which mover splits a disk first. You could probably sit on your porch and play a rich person game. Like bridge. You could drink mimosas. Play bridge. And watch blue collar workers break themselves over your canopy bed. Do you have a canopy bed? If I was rich, I’d have a canopy bed. I think I’m going to buy a canopy bed. But I’m going to wait until I get to Raleigh so I don’t have to move it. Maybe I could donate all of my things to charity and get new things. Um. From a charity. In Raleigh. Um. Things cost money…

If you don’t want to go the professional mover route and, you know, actually accomplish something. You could hire college students. Or. Um. Me. I bet moving your things would be more interesting than moving my things. Can I have your canopy bed? You can pay me $1,500 exactly so that I can get to Raleigh.

I have a lot of girly things. Like really, really girly things. Like Miley Cyrus-esque hot pink things. I should get rid of my hot pink things. Adults don’t have hot pink things. I’m already pushing it with my Red Sox lamps…

Some free advice- NEVER watch your boyfriend’s cats for five months. Because he won’t pay you back for food like he said he would. And, when you break up and they’ve destroyed your carpet and made your house smell, the ex will just call you a bad word in a grocery store parking lot. I mean, I’ve heard that can happen. Um…


So, in relevant to everyone else news, the Sox could actually get something out of this Cubs situation. I mean, -I- doubt it… but some people actually think we’ll see a payday.

We’re NOT close to a deal with Edwin Jackson. Of course not. Because that would be the opposite of stagnancy. And stagnancy is the off-season theme. Can’t depart from the theme. Oh no.

In I’ll-Elaborate-On-This-Later news, Timmy Wakefield is thinking retirement.

We have another random bargain bullpen (seriously- what’s with this?).

Oswalt hates us.

Jenny Dell stole my job.

And I have so much fricking packing to do that it is interfering with my Sox news alerts.


Oh. And Jose Canseco STILL hasn’t e-mailed me back.

He did update his twitter feed, though.

Jose, it’s not about the money, is it? Because I’ll give you $22 to move a couch. It’s enough to buy… um… vodka.

Packing and packing and packing. Looking for music to pack to. But still on that Gavin DeGraw kick…

Do you think John Lackey’s TJ surgery means he can’t lift things? Because we could load him up like a packhorse! I mean, he’s already paid for…

I am moving to Raleigh. Do you think Kevin Youkilis will be able to find me?

January 27, 2012 9 comments

This would NEVER happen to me in Raleigh.

Dear Boston Friends,

Next time you see Kevin Youkilis at the Cheesecake Factory, could you tell him I’m in Raleigh now? Thanks.

PS- Do you know anyone in Raleigh?

Because… um… other than the exboyfriend (who I’d kind of prefer NOT know I’m in Raleigh. At least while I sort out my anger issues), I know…. oh… no one…

Two weeks, ladies and gents. Two weeks…

There’s no baseball in Raleigh… sigh.

But at least there are… you know… people there. Oh! And you know what’s NOT in Raleigh? Mountains.


Categories: Uncategorized

Waiting is horrible. But Youkie’s back. Did he ask about me, Nick?

January 27, 2012 1 comment

Today’s the day I decide my immediate future. And we all know how much I suck at making decisions. And there’s waiting involved this time. And other assorted patience-testing factors. Apparently I’m a patience fail.

So, I’m trying to distract myself at work.

But I can’t distract myself at work, see, because it’s a slow news day. And because work is entwined in all this inner turmoil waiting drama.

I could distract myself by reading the In Defense of John Lackey article… but I’ll just feel guilty. You know. About this.

So instead, I’ll read interviews with Kevin Youkilis over and over. Oh, Youkie, how I’ve missed you…

Now that Youkie’s back, I feel like everything’s going to be okay again.

“It’s just playing the game and not worrying about other stuff and the media hype and things that are going on. Because if you’re going crazy with that stuff, it’s going to eat you all up.

“If you just play the game, not worry, not read what’s put out there, everything that’s said, it handles itself.’’

What sage, smart advice. I’m going to print that out and put it on my “goodbye” notes at work.

And he’s better, guys! He’s better- he’s back- and he’s Youktastic (I’m trying to get that word to catch on since Posada ruined my last trend).

“I’ve been cleared,’’ he said. “For the past two weeks, I’ve felt great, my whole body. There are little things here and there, this time of year, you have to get going and ramp it up. I’ve started to ramp up as much as I can, and I feel great, healthy, lifting with no restrictions.’’

No restrictions, eh?

I know a gal who loves you that’s moving in two weeks. And she has heavvvvvy couches…

And, craziness, he was Beantown for a Youk’s kids event that featured Gavin DeGraw- of “Sweet Chariot” and “Not over you” acclaim… the same Gavin DeGraw who was in Boone last November. This is crazy, see- because I’ve been having these really weird dreams- kind of heavily Gavin with a little Youk thrown in. Very strange, considering I was lapse in my Youk news and didn’t know they were together. It’s like one of them is trying to contact me!

I keep dreaming he’s back in Boone and I’m interviewing him and we have these deep conversations. I bet Gavin and Youkie have deep conversations. I bet Youkie has SUCH deep conversations. Right. Back to Gavin DeGraw. Who I am now following on Twitter.

Gavin shows are a blast- probably best concert I’ve covered in the past two years (save Patti Lupone. Nothing can beat Patti Lupone)- so, if you have the opportunity to go (esp if it’s at a smallish venue like Farthing Auditorium)- do it. Do it now. If I get bored later (and Delaware still hasn’t called about the job and/or I’m still agonizing over Delaware vs Raleigh), I’ll go into a little more dream detail. Youk was there. You might have been too, actually…


So. Um. Know any good jokes? Any good Youk memories? DISTRACT ME, PLEASE.

Where the money went. To people like JOHN LACKEY, that’s where.

January 26, 2012 3 comments


From Full Count


John Lackey, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve growled at you on this blog, I could afford THREE Roy Oswalts. Think about that.

Rejection?! What is wrong with the world? Is it us? Do we have something in our teeth?

January 26, 2012 Leave a comment

Okay. The following statement is going to sound egotistical. But it’s not. It’s just a fact. And I can’t help it if facts make me look a snob, people. Rejection? Not something that happens to me. Seriously. And it’s not because I’m beautiful (even though I like to think that I am. Hmmm. That one WAS egotistical). And it’s not because of my personality (which, by the way is SPARKLING, as you see daily). It’s because of my confidence. And this theory that I have that all guys are inherently desperate and will always, always, always buy you a drink if they’re not poor, gay or taken. Well, apparently Roy Oswalt and Edwin Jackson are poor, gay or taken. Because they’re NOT buying us drinks. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

Remember when we used to ooze confidence? We oozed it, Soxies. And now…

Seriously. Roy Oswalt is looking at Texas and St. Louis. TEXAS AND ST. LOUIS? What do they have that we don’t have? We are GORGEOUS. Just ask David Ortiz (who Benny STILL hasn’t signed. What the FRICK are you people doing in the front office?). We’re smart. We’re talented. And if you don’t want to go out with us, there are plenty of guys who would be lucky, no- BLESSED to have us in their lives. Pretty guys. TALLER guys.

Which brings me to Edwin Jackson. Edwin FRICKING Jackson. Lucchino’s first choice. Our “whatever” choice. And now HE might reject us for… wait for it…. THE FRICKING ORIOLES, ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

There is something going on here. Something sinister. Like a love potion. Or spinach teeth. Or something. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME AT BARS. TWICE? In like, a day???? There’s something going on here…

And the other irrrrritttaattting thing I’m learning about rejection- is it kind of makes you want him more. All of sudden those flaws, flaws like mediocrity and weird Vulcan pitching fade away… and what’s left is this sought after pitching Adonis. All of a sudden I want Roy. And Edwin. I want them so badly, Soxies. And… um… they… um… might… not… want… me???? WHAT CAN WE SAY TO MAKE YOU LOVE US?

I have to go question my identity now. I don’t know. Maybe with ice cream? Is that what dateless people do?

Speaking of rejection, icky, icky rejection, I STILL haven’t heard back from my first choice job-wise. Got a really amazing offer on the table in Raleigh. So, definitely fleeing the mountain… So, there’s that…


Roy Oswalt might not be INTERESTED in us? Are we not pretty enough for you, Roy? Because I’m pretty enough for all of you.

January 25, 2012 5 comments

So much news to report when you’re avoiding your own life-altering decisions! Now they’re saying Roy Oswalt has been made an offer. So, um, does this mean we could have the handy-dandy Oswalt-Jackson combo of badassery? Because I’m good at math see. And TWO is always better than ONE.

The Sox have made Oswalt an offer, according to CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman, but it’s reportedly unclear whether he’s interested in joining the team.

Seriously? YOU could be rejecting US? You realize that our management has rejected… um… almost everyone BUT you, right?

Wait… wait, wait… rejecting us for… Cincinnati???? Seriously?

See, this is kind of a big deal, Roy Oswalt. You could be… um… the ONLY big move we’ve made um… ALL OFFSEASON.

Reject us. Hah.

I’ll show you rejection. I’ll reject your rejection, you mess with me.


I’m going to wikipedia you. I’m going to wikipedia you hard, Roy Oswalt.

Oswalt is known as one of the faster workers in baseball in terms of time between pitches. Despite his small frame, he is one of baseball’s hardest hurlers, and frequently appears among the league leaders in innings pitched.

Oswalt throws four primary pitches. His fastball is consistently between 92 miles per hour (148 km/h) and 94 miles per hour (151 km/h), occasionally touching 95 miles per hour (153 km/h) to 97 miles per hour (156 km/h); he throws a high percentage of fastballs and is known to be very aggressive, at times throwing multiple fastballs in a row into the strike zone. He throws an overhand curveball at a speed of approximately 70 miles per hour (110 km/h) that is thrown with three fingers over the seams. Oswalt also throws a Vulcan changeup in the low 80s, which he added to his repertoire during the 2010 offseason, and a slider in the mid-80s.[11]

What the frick is a Vulcan changeup?

Whatever it is, I bet this is the face you make...

You won a gold medal. That’s neat. Um. Okay.

Wikipedia, you seriously need to work on putting more personal information on baseball players on your website. How can I ridicule Oswalt into accepting our offer if I don’t know his character weaknesses and dating history????

Your pitching flaw, at least, is evident.

Oswalt is currently considered to be among the elite pitchers in the National League.

The NATIONAL League. Yeah. That kind of doesn’t count, Roy Oswalt. The ALE is a whole different ballgame. Esp now. Hmmm. I don’t blame you for the wide-eyed fear you probably feel. But you’ll like Boston, Roy. You really will. I mean, I’m not in Boston, a flaw with the city that haunts Kevin Youkilis to this day, but there are other neat things. Like bars. And your new teammates like beer, apparently, so you’ll never Happy Hour alone. Oh! And Boston is the setting of Cheers, like, the greatest show of all time. So you’ll always have Ted Danson. And you could jog along the Cape with a puppy and pretend you’re a Kennedy. See? So many great things about Boston. And there’s, apparently, a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and maybe you’d get to meet Mitt Romney.

Now that I have swayed you, you should really call Benny C back asap. Before he goes bargain binning and gets like seven more mediocre versions of you. Because he’ll do it. Just ask Jed Lowrie.

And I know how difficult this is, Roy. I have a lucrative job offer on the table too. I get it. But, see, it doesn’t get any better than Boston. Just ask David Ortiz.


Oswalt out, Jackson in. So. Um.

January 25, 2012 4 comments

Edwin Jackson. Rumor has it, we’re looking at him over Roy Oswalt. Which, you know, could answer the question, WHY THE FRICK HAVEN’T WE SIGNED ROY OSWALT?

So- is Jackson worth the Scut monies?

Like in all things, we turn to our trusty friend for the answers.


Edwin Jackson, Wiki says, was born in Germany. Okay. But he’s an American professional baseball player. His father was a German army cook, see. Okay. In 2011, he was both a White Sox and a Cardinal. Mmm-K. He threw a no-hitter in 2010.

There was a time when Jackson was regarded as one of the premiere pitching prospects in baseball (after posting sub-4.00 ERAs in AA and the majors at age 19 in 2003), but poor showings in AAA and MLB after that season ended his status as a “can’t-miss” prospect.[citation needed] He made his major league debut on September 9, 2003, his 20th birthday. In that game, he pitched 6 innings, giving up just one run and out-pitched Cy Young Award winner Randy Johnson to earn his first career major league victory.

He tied with James Shields to lead Tampa to 14 victories in 2008

Jackson is one of a minority of MLB starting pitchers who relies almost exclusively on two pitches, a mid-90’s fastball and an effective power slider.[12].

No interesting personal info, wikipedia? None at all? How are we supposed to make a judgment on numbers alone?!

On July 29, 2011, Edwin Jackson pitched his first game as a Cardinal and threw 7 strong innings, leading St. Louis to a blowout win over their rivals the Chicago Cubs.

Uh oh, guys. He’s another Scott Boras. WE DON’T HAVE 214 MILLION DOLLARS! It’s okay. Breathe, Lauren. Breathe. Sometimes Scott Boras makes mega-fails. Like with Ryan Madson.

What do our friends at Over the Monster have to say?

Jackson isn’t as good as Roy Oswalt, and maybe not as good as Gavin Floyd, but at this stage, he likely would be cheaper than either: Oswalt is reportedly looking for around $8 million per year, and Floyd, while inexpensive monetarily in terms of the luxury tax, will cost the team in prospects. At the least, he is durable, averaging 208 innings per year over the last three years, and 202 over the last four, and his ERA+ since he left Tampa Bay is an above-average 108.

How about the Globe’s Peter Abraham?

For a guy who has been traded six times, the 28-year-old Jackson has pretty good numbers (a fWAR of 11.2 the last three seasons) and is a decent bet to produce a good season. But he’s also a Scott Boras client.

And the folks at Bleacher Report say Jackson is vital to “keep the Cardinals on top.”

Jackson might be a good fit… but what happened to Oswalt?

What are your thoughts, nation? Are we bargain-binning- or is this move something we can brag about on our facebook statuses?


Jose Canseco holds sign: “Will play for photo-ops.” Sox try to keep a straight face.

January 25, 2012 5 comments

Jose Canseco… um… Jose Canseco. Sorry. I’m struggling with how to type this and not sound sarcastic. Ahem. Okay.

Jose Canseco is making a comeback.

Inside Jose Canseco’s head.

“I’m trying my hardest and damndest,” Canseco said Tuesday in a phone interview with this newspaper. “I can’t get anybody to give me a chance. I saw the movie “Moneyball”, and I was amazed at what Billy [Beane] had to go through. I guess if you love something … that movie really got my juices flowing. I love baseball, people don’t know that about me. I miss it so much.”

It is like he KNOWS it’s a slow blog day.

“I’m 47, so my legs are not going to be what they were, but my bat speed and hands are still the same,” he said. “I can’t believe how fast (they are). I’m shocked how I haven’t lost a beat there.”

See. I could mount a wit attack here. But I think this story speaks for itself.

“Fenway 350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats. I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout.

The funny thing is that Canseco’s numbers are wrong. He’s a career .312 hitter at Fenway Park, and only averaged one home run per 13 at bats.

Really? THAT is the funny thing?

You best believe I’m a new Twitter fan. With quotes like this:

In case you can’t read that- it says:

“I guess murderers and child molesters get more chances than I do.”


See, I am not a fan of the juicing. We know this. We’ve all heard my juice rants.

But you know what I AM a fan of?


Buster Keatonesque, physical, slapstick comedy.

So I say, on behalf of myself and all comedy aficionados,


And televise it.

I mean, that’s comic gold. I can’t believe no one has thought of this before…

Oh wait.

Please, Bobby C? PLEASE??????? Can I order an advance dvd? Thanks.


Seriously. How can you turn down the chance to share THIS with America?


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 259 other followers