Scrubbing off 2011. Look! It’s 2012! And we’re all clean!
There’s lots of ways to create a New Year’s post. I mean, I could do a super classy year in review. I could talk about that time Sept 19 broke my heart. Or how Dice-K died. Oh! And how everyone’s favorite K-Youk was K-put.
Or… I could focus on the kickass moments. Like the Tek homers people said wouldn’t happen. Or that little Stanley Cup thing we won…
Or… I could do what all good New Year’s summations SHOULD do. Look ahead to the future. Because what happened (or didn’t happen) doesn’t matter. What matters is Soxtober 2012. And it’s going to be a doozy.
By this time next year-
1. NO ONE will talk smack about Kevin Youkilis. NO ONE. And he will polish his WS MVP accolades. On our mantel. Because he will be living here. You know. Part-time. When he’s not like, playing baseball, and signing cologne contracts and stuff.
2. Tim Thomas and I will have coffee and discuss the second Stanley Cup. And how two cups hold a lot more champagne than one cup.
3. Carl Crawford will write journal entries that don’t sound like angsty girl rock. Oh, and he’ll absolutely kick ass and make certain people at ESPN rethink their goat comments.
4. Josh Beckett will become a vegan.
5. Derek Jeter will cry. On camera.
6. John Lackey will be a born-again post-TJ surgery super star. It will creep all of us out. And then, after the WS victory, he will disappear, and it will be like one of those Amelia Earhart stories. Where did he go? We’ll talk about it for years to come at cocktail parties.
7. Andrew Bailey will surprise everyone and be amazing. And Rivera will be like, ‘Man, I wish I was that guy.’
8. Jon Lester will pitch four no-hitters. FOUR.
9. Tim Wakefield will pitch amazingly (as long as that walker can make it to the mound) and then replace Larry Lucchino.
10. No one will ever read the name “Manny Ramirez” in a headline.
11. Adrian Gonzalez will learn to run to first.
12. Jacoby Ellsbury will sign to the Red Sox forever. And teach everyone else how to play baseball.
13. We’ll have this nailbiter ALDS matchup, right? And just when we think it’s over, who should appear? But Josh Reddick! Magically traded to us for… um… Bobby Jenks! And Josh Reddick will be badass Josh Reddick 2.0 and… oh! oh! oh! That’s when Derek Jeter will cry on television!
14. Alex Rodriguez will accidentally inject so much female growth hormone that he gets bigger boobs than his girlfriend.
15. Jorge Posada is signed by the Red Sox. Wait for it… where he must don a Green Monstah costume and entertain children. FOREVER.
16. Tito will come back!
17. Mike Lowell AND Pedro Martinez will wake up one day and be amazing and re-sign with us. Oh! Oh! Oh! And can we have Derek Lowe too? Thanks.
18. And Jason Varitek takes Curt Young’s job.
19. The headline reads- Sabathia is the 2012 version of 2011 John Lackey.
20. Jay will apologize to me for saying David Ortiz was on steroids. Oh! And David Ortiz will be amazing.
21. Joe Maddon will get year-long laryngitis.
22. David Price will take Don Mattingly up on his offer to start a ballet company.
23. BASEBALL: The Musical will win four Tonys.
24. Kevin Gregg will be irrelevant. But wander from talk show to talk show anyway talking smack until finally he winds up with a permanent home on Dancing With The Stars.
25. And there will be world peace.
What are your predictions? Mine are going to happen. You’ll see.
Best prediction wins a prize!
I have to go! So much to do!
Best clean up if Kevin Youkilis is going to be moving in!
And, on a personal note- have to go find glittery clothes. Spending New Year’s with the UNC-Chapel Hill fan. Who is in a band. And sends me nice text messages at one in the morning and not pervy ones. Hope your New Year’s isn’t sucky!