Home > Uncategorized > Scrubbing off 2011. Look! It’s 2012! And we’re all clean!

Scrubbing off 2011. Look! It’s 2012! And we’re all clean!

There’s lots of ways to create a New Year’s post. I mean, I could do a super classy year in review. I could talk about that time Sept 19 broke my heart. Or how Dice-K died. Oh! And how everyone’s favorite K-Youk was K-put.

Or… I could focus on the kickass moments. Like the Tek homers people said wouldn’t happen. Or that little Stanley Cup thing we won…

Or… I could do what all good New Year’s summations SHOULD do. Look ahead to the future. Because what happened (or didn’t happen) doesn’t matter. What matters is Soxtober 2012. And it’s going to be a doozy.

—–

By this time next year-

1. NO ONE will talk smack about Kevin Youkilis. NO ONE. And he will polish his WS MVP accolades. On our mantel. Because he will be living here. You know. Part-time. When he’s not like, playing baseball, and signing cologne contracts and stuff.

2. Tim Thomas and I will have coffee and discuss the second Stanley Cup. And how two cups hold a lot more champagne than one cup.

3. Carl Crawford will write journal entries that don’t sound like angsty girl rock. Oh, and he’ll absolutely kick ass and make certain people at ESPN rethink their goat comments.

4. Josh Beckett will become a vegan.

5. Derek Jeter will cry. On camera.

6. John Lackey will be a born-again post-TJ surgery super star. It will creep all of us out. And then, after the WS victory, he will disappear, and it will be like one of those Amelia Earhart stories. Where did he go? We’ll talk about it for years to come at cocktail parties.

7. Andrew Bailey will surprise everyone and be amazing. And Rivera will be like, ‘Man, I wish I was that guy.’

8. Jon Lester will pitch four no-hitters. FOUR.

9. Tim Wakefield will pitch amazingly (as long as that walker can make it to the mound) and then replace Larry Lucchino.

10. No one will ever read the name “Manny Ramirez” in a headline.

11. Adrian Gonzalez will learn to run to first.

12. Jacoby Ellsbury will sign to the Red Sox forever. And teach everyone else how to play baseball.

13. We’ll have this nailbiter ALDS matchup, right? And just when we think it’s over, who should appear? But Josh Reddick! Magically traded to us for… um… Bobby Jenks! And Josh Reddick will be badass Josh Reddick 2.0 and… oh! oh! oh! That’s when Derek Jeter will cry on television!

14. Alex Rodriguez will accidentally inject so much female growth hormone that he gets bigger boobs than his girlfriend.

15. Jorge Posada is signed by the Red Sox. Wait for it… where he must don a Green Monstah costume and entertain children. FOREVER.

16. Tito will come back!

17. Mike Lowell AND Pedro Martinez will wake up one day and be amazing and re-sign with us. Oh! Oh! Oh! And can we have Derek Lowe too? Thanks.

18. And Jason Varitek takes Curt Young’s job.

19. The headline reads- Sabathia is the 2012 version of 2011 John Lackey.

20. Jay will apologize to me for saying David Ortiz was on steroids. Oh! And David Ortiz will be amazing.

21. Joe Maddon will get year-long laryngitis.

22. David Price will take Don Mattingly up on his offer to start a ballet company.

23. BASEBALL: The Musical will win four Tonys.

24. Kevin Gregg will be irrelevant. But wander from talk show to talk show anyway talking smack until finally he winds up with a permanent home on Dancing With The Stars.

25. And there will be world peace.

—-

What are your predictions? Mine are going to happen. You’ll see.

Best prediction wins a prize!

I have to go! So much to do!

Best clean up if Kevin Youkilis is going to be moving in!

Happy New Year, Kevin Youkilis! I hope you like dogs!

And, on a personal note- have to go find glittery clothes. Spending New Year’s with the UNC-Chapel Hill fan. Who is in a band. And sends me nice text messages at one in the morning and not pervy ones. Hope your New Year’s isn’t sucky!

~L

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  1. December 31, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I certainly hope that you’re right about your prediction for Derek Jeter. :-)

  2. December 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I’m all for Derek Jeter crying and A-rod turning female. The way A-rod runs/acts is already pretty girly as it is.

    I predict the Jays will win the World Series. I will continue to predict this every year until it actually happens, at which point I’ll look like a genius.

    http://bluejaysnest.mlblogs.com/

  3. JW
    December 31, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    A-Rod is already female.

    Jon Lester will pitch four no-hitters…on his rehab assignment at Pawtucket.

    This list is dangerously close to a cry for help.

  4. FireDannyAinge
    December 31, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    This list is beautiful (most of it anyway)except the whole Posada being in Boston thing. I don’t care if he is sweeping up popcorn from under my feet, he will in no shape or form be part of my ten trips to Fenway this year, got it?

    • December 31, 2011 at 6:59 pm

      sorry, FDA- contract’s already in the works! i mean, i guess you can use him as your personal punching bag if the mascot gig doesn’t work out… he’d be so good at that!

  5. January 1, 2012 at 2:07 am

    I hope that your predictions are true, although The Lackey one seems unlikely. He had a horrible year last season, and I don’t know if he can get back on track.

    Happy new year!

  6. January 1, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Coming from an Orioles fan, Kevin Gregg is already irrelevant! So you’re dead on with that one. Oh, and there’s something very cute in that picture. The girl isn’t bad either.

    CAN’T WAIT TILL APRIL!! Happy new year!

  7. athomeatfenway
    January 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I predict that all of your predictions will come true. And thanks for ladling this psychic Kool Aid. I feel better now.

  8. January 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Well I don’t think I can top Derek Jeter crying. That’d really be something. I also won’t mention that I’ve heard Youk’s name mentioned in trade possibilities…. (just kiddin!).
    –Jeff

  9. January 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    If Joe Maddon gets year long laryngitis, the Rays will somehow build some sort of travel day theme around it and use it to spur themselves on to victory. They’re tricksy those Rays. As for A-Rod getting boobs, that would be perfect. Then he can leave baseball and play the role of continually passed over groupie in the touring production of Baseball: the Musical.
    — Kristen

  10. January 3, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    1. NO ONE will talk smack about Kevin Youkilis. NO ONE. And he will polish his WS MVP accolades. On our mantel. Because he will be living here. You know. Part-time. When he’s not like, playing baseball, and signing cologne contracts and stuff.
    – I don’t think anyone is talking ‘smack’ about Youk now. Sure, he’s caught in a lot of trade rumor stuff, but that’s because he’s good and people want him on their team. I liken Youk to that other guy who wore #20 a short time before he did, Mike Stanley (also wore 24 between Dewey and Manny). He isn’t always pretty but he brings intangibles and work etchic.

    2. Tim Thomas and I will have coffee and discuss the second Stanley Cup. And how two cups hold a lot more champagne than one cup.
    – You can also discuss how Big Z gets robbed of Norris Trophies and why the Champs aren’t on NBC as often as teams that didn’t win it last year.

    3. Carl Crawford will write journal entries that don’t sound like angsty girl rock. Oh, and he’ll absolutely kick ass and make certain people at ESPN rethink their goat comments.
    – He will kick-ass. The excuses are done, the honeymoon over. Time to shine, period.

    4. Josh Beckett will become a vegan.
    – Nope. Tofu fried chicken sucks.

    5. Derek Jeter will cry. On camera.
    – Once they trade A-Rod for pitching. Tears of joy.

    6. John Lackey will be a born-again post-TJ surgery super star. It will creep all of us out. And then, after the WS victory, he will disappear, and it will be like one of those Amelia Earhart stories. Where did he go? We’ll talk about it for years to come at cocktail parties.
    – True. He will regain his form and will indeed dissapear… to San Diego and PetCo.

    7. Andrew Bailey will surprise everyone and be amazing. And Rivera will be like, ‘Man, I wish I was that guy.’
    – No surprises, just a solid high pressure closer.

    8. Jon Lester will pitch four no-hitters. FOUR.
    – Eh. He’ll pitch one in Interleague and have two close calls, each broken up in the eight and ninth, respectively.

    9. Tim Wakefield will pitch amazingly (as long as that walker can make it to the mound) and then replace Larry Lucchino.
    – He will pitch very well in his Time Lord utitlity role. He’ll tie the all-time record for Sox wins (but not break it) and be clutch down the stretch out of the pen. Only Satan can appoint Lucchino’s successor.

    10. No one will ever read the name “Manny Ramirez” in a headline.
    – Yeah, no.

    11. Adrian Gonzalez will learn to run to first.
    – Oh, he will. Minimum of ten more homers and ten or more doubles in 2012. He’ll learn how to hit Fenway and out shine King Albert for 1B All-Star.

    12. Jacoby Ellsbury will sign to the Red Sox forever. And teach everyone else how to play baseball.
    – Yes, there is an extension on the horizon.

    13. We’ll have this nailbiter ALDS matchup, right? And just when we think it’s over, who should appear? But Josh Reddick! Magically traded to us for… um… Bobby Jenks! And Josh Reddick will be badass Josh Reddick 2.0 and… oh! oh! oh! That’s when Derek Jeter will cry on television!
    – Um, probably a better chance of J.D. Drew 2.0…. and that’s frightening enough.

    14. Alex Rodriguez will accidentally inject so much female growth hormone that he gets bigger boobs than his girlfriend.
    – Nope. They’ll find out he had some uber-crackpot procedure done overseas which will further eliminate him from HOF voting.

    15. Jorge Posada is signed by the Red Sox. Wait for it… where he must don a Green Monstah costume and entertain children. FOREVER.
    – He’ll sign with the Sox for a one-day contract to play off the bench, hit a double while going 2 for 4 in the DH slot, retire and have the Sons of Steinbrenner remove all his memorabilia from the House That Ruth Financed.

    16. Tito will come back!
    – Definitely. Every time ESPN does a Sunday night game from Fenway.

    17. Mike Lowell AND Pedro Martinez will wake up one day and be amazing and re-sign with us. Oh! Oh! Oh! And can we have Derek Lowe too? Thanks.
    – Done. Lowell and Pedro will be inducted into the Red Sox HOF while Lowell makes a start for the Tribe (the day following Justin Masterson) and gets lit up.

    18. And Jason Varitek takes Curt Young’s job.
    – Sweet.

    19. The headline reads- Sabathia is the 2012 version of 2011 John Lackey.
    – In related news, Hank Steinbrenner stabs Brian Cashman.

    20. Jay will apologize to me for saying David Ortiz was on steroids. Oh! And David Ortiz will be amazing.
    – Well, he may have been on steroids. Even Big Papi doesn’t know for sure!! But, he will be great hitting behind A-Gon again.

    21. Joe Maddon will get year-long laryngitis.
    – If the Bobby V. experiment fails…. Joe Maddon is the next Sox manager.

    22. David Price will take Don Mattingly up on his offer to start a ballet company.
    – Yep, first up is a production of ‘Am I really Hall of Fame worthy’?

    23. BASEBALL: The Musical will win four Tonys.
    – Bud Selig will get the Lifetime Achievement award for his years of dedicating acting.

    24. Kevin Gregg will be irrelevant. But wander from talk show to talk show anyway talking smack until finally he winds up with a permanent home on Dancing With The Stars.
    – Enough. Neither guy landed a good punch.

    25. And there will be world peace.
    – A new playoff format where the Sox could play the Yanks in a one game or three game format? Nope, not gonna’ be peaceful at all!

    Happy New Year.

  1. January 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

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