Home > Scary Red Sox Rants > NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This is what I get, Soxies. This is what I get for being distracted by my OWN issues. DAMN YOU, BEN CHERINGTON!!!!!!!!!

I look away for ONE SECOND. One fricking second. And THIS is what happens.

We will NEVER be friends, Kelly Shoppach.

And this is a strike and a HALF for you, Ben Cherington. And for you, Bobby Valentine. And for YOU, America. For blogging all week long about how outplayed Tek is.

When he was drafted, Shoppach was regarded as the potential catcher-of-the-future who might ultimately take Varitek’s place. A decade later, that outcome appears to be coming to fruition, albeit in unexpected fashion.

Say it isn’t true! Make it not be true!!!!!!!

This is EXACTLY like that scene in West Side Story where Chino tells Maria Tony killed her brother. EXACTLY like that.

Okay. So maybe it’s not like THIS version. But imagine this as a GOOD version.

Tek isn’t about the numbers. He’s about the heart. And about stability. And every other thing that’s been fizzling since Soxsplosion. I just want some fricking stability. Is that so much to ask for? Is that so wrong? It’s always the children that suffer, Benny C. You people NEVER think of the children.

As for you, Jason Varitek- it’s not over for us.

I don’t care what the Red Sox say. You’ll always be captain to me.

~L

More on this later when I can see through my tears.

Can you at least return to my have-Tek-replace-Curt-Young plan? Please?????

My feelings can best be expressed in the 90s classic, “Say it ain’t so” by Weezer.

Youtube is fun today.

  1. December 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Kelly Shoppach is the most frustrating player in the history of ever. I dealt with him for 3 years. this is what you’d get from him, in no specific order…

    1. a player who swings as hard as he can at every pitch
    2. a player who can’t hit an offspeed pitch
    3. productive outs… if a strike out is productive
    4. below average defense
    5. bats broken over his thigh like toothpicks after striking out
    6. the greatest nickname ever… Quadzilla

    enjoy the 2012 season!

  2. BuckStopsHere
    December 13, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    you’re blogs always amuse me, I hope Shoppach pans out, and also hope Varitek stays around

  3. December 13, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Ha ha, good one

  4. December 13, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    The Curse Of Bobby V begins…I will blame him for everything that goes wrong in Boston this year…and next year…which is like less than three weeks away. Wow. Time flies. Rooting for Tek regardless of what they say about his time…left.

  5. JW
    December 13, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Didn’t Jason Varitek catch for Abner Doubleday?

  6. FireDannyAinge
    December 13, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    My friend used to hate Shoppach. She said he whined when we got rid of him and bad mouthed us. He’s no Tek.

  7. December 13, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    I saw the article and can’t write about it (no Internet) yet I knew you’d say it perfectly. ETF?! I rather Ryan than this chump. Ugh

  8. Dmitri Old
    December 14, 2011 at 3:53 am

    When I read we had re-signed him, I got all excited.

    I lied.

    This is what down-sizing looks like.

    I hope Salem Red Sox’s own Ryan Lavarnway pans out. Did I ever mention that I got to see him play for them a couple of years ago on my road-trip up the Blue Ridge Parkway?

    • December 14, 2011 at 7:47 am

      I live just off the Parkway!

  9. Jay
    December 14, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Sorry buddy I think the steroid stuff is for real. I think the whole team was on the roids. Trot Nixon, from fat to jacked in like a month…Winstrol. Think Tek was on the stuff too.

    • December 14, 2011 at 8:11 am

      Show me the proof and we’ll talk about it!

  10. December 16, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Oh, Captain, my Captain!

  1. December 14, 2011 at 6:03 am

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