The Miami Marlins and the baseball prom, starring Rachel Leigh Cook

This OffSeason is EXACTLY like that classic of all classics, “She’s All That,” starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Rachel Leigh Cook.

Allow me to explain.

In today’s metaphor, The part of Rachel Leigh Cook will be played by…

The Miami Marlins.

So. There’s this girl, right. Let’s just call her Florida.

And she’s ANYTHING but “All That.” She’s got glasses, people! Glasses! And everyone knows that in movies like “She’s All That” and “Princess Diaries,” glasses are like two giant eye pimples. And, are apparently the only thing you look at. Don’t act like this is a concept limited to movies. It tricks Lex Luther EVERY TIME.

Anyway, Glasses McPlain walks around in the halls doing deep stuff like painting and poetry and conceptual art (ew, we’re supposed to say! ew!). That is, until she’s noticed by a bunch of jackasses.

Those jackasses decide, just for funsies, to give her a makeover so they can embarrass her at prom.

So, they wipe the fish off her cap, slap it with a shiny (and somewhat ridiculous) M and say, ‘Now your name’s Miami!’

And, armed with her shiny new contacts, all of a sudden, Miami’s “all that” and has a date with Albert Pujols to the prom.

But see, the movie stops with Rachel Leigh Cook and Freddie Prinze Jr. discovering their true love, blahblahblah, glasses don’t matter, we’re all deeper inside than previously anticipated… let’s embark on a teeny stereotype together… blahblahblah, let’s do our next movies based on Scooby Doo or that Pussy Cat band from the Archie comics.

The Marlins didn’t stop with the Prinze. They’re whoring it up allllllllll over MLB. What example is that setting for the CHILDREN, Miami?!

That is NOT how the movie is supposed to end.

And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of standing on the sidelines at prom while Miami has a full dance card. I’m about to go all out Carrie, people.

Don’t these boys KNOW WHO I AM????

So Miami’s got a fancy, schmancy sleek new logo.

WHATEV.

It’s contact lenses, people. The INSTANT she gets pinkeye (and they way she’s slutting up the winter meetings, well…), those lenses come off. Those glasses will come back on, and she’ll be Clark Kentified. And then where will you be, Albert Pujols???? Oh. That’s right. In MIAMI.

Now, you all know I’m a Miami girl. True story. Miami-Pinecrest, baby. If I have to pick a NL team, it’s you every day, baby. But I swear to Fisk that if you don’t cut it out, I will make a list of mean Miami puns. Miami girls know a lottttt of Miami jokes. Give me a reason. Just. Give. Me. A. Reason.

It’s our turn to dance. Bobby V. Get moving.

And Pujols, don’t be fooled. Superman’s just Clark Kent in tights, after all. In tights.

You know, this is kind of like “12th Night.” Except less cross dressing.

Can something HAPPEN for the Red Sox already????

~L

PS- OBVIOUSLY, I am kidding. Freddie Prinze Jr.’s BEST, most classic movie? Um. Scooby Doo. Duh. You know, I have often been compared to Daphne. True story. I think it’s my investigative prowess.