Theo Epstein Presser: Try not to vomit
THROW UP. Yuck. This Chicago Cubs press conference is nauseating.
But we here at Too Soxy have decided to take the high road. The high, high, high, high, high road.
Instead of talking about how you make us taste bile, Red Sox front office, we are going to eulogize the passing of our dear, dear Theo. Because, see, Soxies, that’s what happened. He died, see.
And we need YOUR help.
Hit the comments with your best Theo memories. Or your worst Theo memories. Or. Whatever. Feel free to shoot e-mails to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Seriously, I didn’t know how bitter I would be until I saw this nonsense.
Look how happy the little Cubbies are. In their little Cubby suits. With their little Cubby curse.
I feel like the Grinch did that one time when glaring at Whoville. THEO! Step. Away. From. The. Roast. Beast. NOW.
Oh- and that newspaper column Theo wrote? That pandering piece of… (breathe, Lauren) ALL that piece did- ALL it did- was serve as a confession that you have been plotting to leave all summer. NO WONDER there was a lack of focus. BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TRAINING YOUR REPLACEMENT. I was fine with you leaving. I said kudos. Remember, Soxies? When I said kudos? I said I wished you well. I SAID THAT. But, since I know that you had planned this allllllllllll along, I take back my kudos. ALL OF THEM. You hear me, Theo? NO KUDOS FOR YOU.
But a eulogy. Yes. It will be good for both of us. Comment, please.