That day Daniel Bard ruined Tim Wakefield Day.

For a while, it was little more than an oddity. But increasingly, it has become an alarming pattern with Daniel Bard, a reliever who is amidst one of the worst stretches of his career.

Daniel Bard. I was watching. Here. Silently. In my office. I was on the phone with a senator, Daniel Bard. A SENATOR. But I watched. I watched. I did that for YOU. And then you…

And I…

The gasp… it was audible. Awkward. And I couldn’t breathe. I did this choking thing.

You know all about choking.

The oxygen left my brain and I blanked out for like five seconds. While a senator had to ask me if I was okay.

What we all need to ask is

ARE YOU OKAY, DANIEL BARD?

ARE YOU????

Hopefully you can’t answer. Because you are in a corner. Thinking about WHAT YOU DID.

Do you know what you did, Daniel Bard? DO YOU?

Did you see that e-mail I got earlier? Did you see how I defended YOU? I defended ALL OF YOU.

And Lackey. LACKEY is the sloth. He’s the guy that gives us the aneurysm cringe. And now he’s whistling in the dugout because he has that haughty knowledge that, for once, all eyes are on you. All squinty, critical, cocky, no good Johnny Damon touting eyes are on you and…

Do you see how I am not making sense right now, Daniel Bard???? Do you see this?

And…

CURT YOUNG. CURT FRICKING YOUNG. This is your fault too. And Tito. Your fault.

And this is also my coworker’s fault. That Detroit Tiger’s fan. The guy who is talking right now.

“Toronto? You let Toronto walk over you?”

“I will destroy you,” I say. “I have THREE dry erase boards at my disposal (true story) and I will DESTROY you in marker cartoons.”

“What you should have is a Justin Verlander voodoo doll,” he says.

“It is 5:03. Don’t you have places to be?”

Jeff and I are going to have an epic office war. If, that is, we ever SEE Detroit in the playoffs.

It is supposed to be Tim Wakefield Day. We are supposed to be on a 200 high. A TWO HUNDRED HIGH.

I… I…

I can’t…

Here. Read this. It will distract you. It’s about Manny Ramirez being a wash out.

“Oh. Detroit scored another ruuuuuun,” Jeff said.

“SHUT UP. I have pink post-its and I am NOT afraid to use them.”

Was just. Um. Reprimanded for hurling post-it notes across office.

THAT is your fault TOO, Daniel Bard.

L

And Gonz left the game with MUSCLE tightness?

FROM WHAT? Your quiet walk to first????

Oh. You got a home run. Oh. I. Um. Didn’t see that.

And Carl Crawford? HIT SOMETHING.

I can’t look at any of you. ANY OF YOU.

Come on, Kevin Youkilis. Let’s go home.

Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz broke up. But I will still avoid her movies. Because they are bad.

DAMNIT DANIEL BARD.

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