Yuck. Double yuck. A quick mid-day rant.

WARNING (in honor of PETER). The following image is cringe worthy. While TOOSOXY does not condone the use of illegal and harmful substances, we DO recommend you have an anti-nausea drug like Pepto-Bismal or its generic equivalent on hand when viewing the following image. Okay. Ready? Here it is:

Johnny Damon is on someone’s “Most Likeable Players” list. No. Really. He is. Click here and see.

Dissect this description for me, will you:

Would have stayed in Boston for less $$ but was forced to the Yanks. Success did not change him. He’s remained someone his mom could be proud of. Never whined, when not given the media attention he deserved.

Nevvvvver whined. I’m sure that pouty, “You’re welcome for making it fun again” comment was an oversight. Remember that time he made a big deal out of saying he would not HOF it in a Sox uniform? You know, Cooperstown A) doesn’t work like that and B) doesn’t want him? Standing on a metaphorical street with metaphorical heels, shaking his ass and pleading for the media to come get some? (I just called him a media whore. You caught that, right?)

“There’s no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard. … It’s definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It’s not what I need.”

Poor dear. Forced to play for pinstripes and swim in cash. Too much money to spend, what will he do? (I know! Make a website!)

I’m going to stop. Because this is too ridiculously easy. And this is giving him more media attention. You know. The kind he whines for. Every. Other. Fricking. Day. But please, feel free to dissect this yourself in the comments. I encourage it.

AND- there is a blogger out there already thinking about Youkilis leaving the Sox. As the future Mrs. Youkilis, I am incensed.

Middlebrooks is viewed as a future power hitting third baseman who will offer an impressive, well-rounded package of above-average offense and defense. He will be the first player about whom most teams will ask in trade conversations. That said, his value to the Sox is also substantial, given that he is expected to be big league-ready by the time that Kevin Youkilis’ contract expires. If Youkilis either departs or were to transition to DH, Middlebrooks is situated as his logical successor at third.

So, clearly, I do not like this Middlebrooks guy. How dare he excel in Youk’s possible stead? Curses. Let’s send him away. Send him away, I say!

Youkilis is going to stay forever, see. He will reside with us always and be the Tek to our third base. The Wake to our lineup. The spring in our step?

HEWILLBEHEREFOREVERSHUTUP.

For an off day, there’s quite a lot to get stewed over.

~L