Red Sox Nation: Meet your new enemy. Meet and laugh at him. Because he is hilarious.

Kevin Gregg, ladies and gents! Currently my third least favorite player. Interestingly enough, he bumped Joba the Gut (<- trying that) to fourth. That means my top three (currently) are pinstripe free.

This picture is brilliant. Doesn’t he look like that guy, you know the one? With dried saliva spittle who tells you (after high fiving his buddies) that he doesn’t come here often? Oh, and that being the stock boy at Ingles isn’t his “real” job, because see, he has ambition. And saw one of those 1-800 numbers for would-be-truck-drivers. And, swear to God, he’s going to get his license again any day now. In the meantime, have you seen his vespa? It’s “the shit” and seats two.

The only person who seemed to be missing from the bench-clearing brawl that erupted in the eighth inning of the Red Sox’ 10-3 victory over the Orioles last night at Fenway Park was the fight announcer, with microphone in hand, bellowing his trademark, “Are you ready to rumble?’

And, in the great jackass tradition, Kevin GROSS vomits soundbites to the media. Kevin GROSS. Kevin Greatless? Kevin Grunt. Kevin… damn it.

“I think we showed them we’re not backing down, we’re not scared of them, them and their $180 million payroll, we don’t care,’’ Gregg said. “We’re here to play the game, we have just as much right to play the game here, and we’re going to do everything we can to win.’’

Seriously? Someone has his panties (and they’re silky) in a bunch because Buck Showalter (like everyone’s mommy did when they were ten) said, back in April, that he was special. I sure hope those panties aren’t silk, because that’s a bitch to iron!

“We don’t care” about the payroll. Clearly, you’re in it for the love of the game. So, when rip that $10 million check into itty bitty pieces, be sure to take a photo of it for your Facebook page.

“We’re here to play the game.” Well, thank God. I thought you were here to maul Papi. I mean, with a 1-7 record of late, you’re definitely not here to WIN the game.

“We’re going to do everything we can to win.” I see that. I like how you at least admit it was on purpose.

“Ortiz, the place to get him out is in; you’ve got to pitch him in,’’ Gregg said. “The first pitch wasn’t too far off the corner, and he jumped away like it was at his head. The next pitch was a little bit further in, he didn’t like it, he stared at me. I’m still going to go in there and try to pitch in there.’’

Oh. After you just said you did it on purpose? I am going to make you a t-shirt. You might not be able to wear it around children.

The place to get him out is in? How would you know? You’re not the most experienced Papi-pitcher. I wiki-pedia-ed you, you jackass!

“Jumped away like it was at his head.” When a bazillion mph ball comes at YOU on the plate, Gregg, let’s see you stare solidly ahead.

“You go to the well three times, something’s looking pretty bad,’’ Beckett said. “I don’t know why they were trying to do that, but it was pretty obvious to me that it wasn’t just ‘I was just trying to pitch you in.’ ’’

Gregg. Wow. Well, at least he shut up. Because, you know, if this were high school or a baited facebook status attack, he’d… oh, wait…

“They’re going to whine and complain about it because they think they’re better than everybody else, but now, we have just as much right to pitch inside as they do,” Gregg said.

“I think there’s some ethics to this game, guidelines you got to stay within,’’ Gregg said.

And you know Gregg. He’s got morality.

Of a ten-year-old. On a birthday-cake-fueled sugar rush. When mommy tells him to put the transformers in the toy box.

“I feel like [Gregg] should’ve been thrown out before any of that [stuff] even happened,’’ Beckett said.

“The rule is that happens and you leave the mound, you’re automatically ejected. But it wasn’t handled that way and now we got other guys probably looking at fines.’’

“We’re a good hitting team and you can’t just be hitting our [expletive] guys just because we score a lot of runs. That’s how the game should be played.”

If every team takes on this philosophy, we’re screwed. You know. Because we’re going to keep scoring a lot of runs.

Gregg, as soon as I figure out some hilarious pun for your name, I will use it. You are ridiculous.

~L