Home > Sox Game Recaps > How do you lose to a sandwich? WELL, I’LL TELL YOU.

How do you lose to a sandwich? WELL, I’LL TELL YOU.

Well, guys… We’ll always have New York…

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Really?

Okay. So. I didn’t watch the game. Wasn’t working. Wasn’t saving puppies from fires. Was intentionally. Not. Watching. Yeah. That’s right. I didn’t watch a game. What? I have friends. I DO.

I had a social function. With people. And when I said, “um, I will be late. I kind of want to watch the game,” Chris said, “If you miss a party for a baseball game in JUNE, I will make fun of you.”

And then I saw this game yesterday. Where. We. Um. Mega lost. And I said… John Lackey… I do not feel like watching you. And so I didn’t.

That’s right, Lackey. You aren’t the boss of me. AND, APPARENTLY, YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF THE MOUND.

I see the “sputtered offense is stymied again.” Good use of alliteration, redsox.com. If I weren’t SO ANNOYED at this game, I would be impressed with your 10th grade retention.

It’s not the two runs that you gave up, Lackey. It happens. Really. It does. It’s the EIGHT hits.

EIGHT.

And the Braves won. So. Um. The like… TWO baseball fans I know. They’ll be thrilled. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

“He had great mound presence, and we were all very impressed,” Pedroia said. “It’s really good for a kid that young to have a presence like that on the mound. He’s going to be a good one.”

STOP COMPLIMENTING THE SANDWICHES, PEDROIA. I cannot handle your tact. I have been drinking.

“Did that guy just come up or something? Man, because he looked pretty good to me,” Ortiz said of Worley. “He had decent stuff, and it really looks like he’s been around for a long time.

SHUT UP.

And David Ortiz, maybe… instead of complimenting a sandwich hurler, you could be… oh… I don’t know… FIGURING OUT HOW TO HIT THE DAMN BALL.

Useless. You are all USELESS.

Except for you, Youkilis. You are in my heart. BUT NOT BECAUSE OF THIS DAMN GAME.

When are we going to turn it around, hmm, Bruce? See, it was almost better in April when we were consistent bags of fail. You know. Because we didn’t know any better. The bar was already at fail. Now, we’ve experienced Stankee sweeps and regular stompings. Fail. Fail. Fail.

It’s these damn shithawks. I’m telling you.

You have ONE MORE CHANCE, Red Sox. ONE DAY MORE.

You should watch this. It will educate you. Musically. Imagine I’m Eponine. I always do when I watch that clip.

~L

PS- I’m kind of glad I have no Red Sox tickets. And don’t live in Boston. That’s not true. I’d like to at least see the failure in person.

  1. June 30, 2011 at 7:43 am

    This is the scariest sandwich I’ve ever seen. This team is amazing this year. Of course, the Sox SHOULD be amazing. Instead they’re meddling in mediocrity. (See? I can do alliteration, TOO!!) I’m going to see them in Houston Saturday. I’m worried. I don’t want to see them lose to the Lastros.

  2. June 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Lauren, last year in Philly John Lackey gave up homers to both Ryan Howard and Jayson Werth when the Sox fell 5-1. Yesterday was actually better! You can see the glass is half full, right? He was also most of the Boston offense….oops, there’s the glass half empty part. Vance Worley in his ninth career start…he really should be in Triple-A still. Definitely not a good night for Boston but brighter days ahead…as Bickleyhouse dubbed them, the Lastros are in sight. Houston, you (will) have a problem…

  1. October 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

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