Home > Previews and pep talks, Scary Red Sox Rants > Puppy. A “P” word we can tolerate.

Puppy. A “P” word we can tolerate.

Look at the puppy.

Okay. Did you get a long, hard look?

Look again.

One more time.

Okay. Now that we’re all calm… all zen (FDA, you need to look at the puppy again. Ready? Okay. Keep reading.)… let’s talk about last night.

Let’s talk about it very calmly. Very rationally. We’re not here to cast blame (TERRY FRANCONA! JOSH BECKETT! TERRY FRANCONCA! GAHK. Sorry. I’m looking at the puppy. Looking. At. The. Puppy.)

We’re to analyze this. Breathe. And move forward.

So we lost to the sandwiches? Big fricking deal. So we’ve lost the bulk of our last bazillion. Whatever. So we lost to the Pirates. Big whoop.

So we lost to the … to the… to THE FRICKING PADRES?

ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?????? WHAT THE HELL, TERRY FRANCONA? WHAT THE FRICKING HELL ARE YOU DOING NOT UTILIZING THE FRICKING DH? FIND SOMETHING FOR HIM TO DO, DAMNIT. YOU ARE TITO. FIX THIS. I CAN’T FIX IT FOR YOU. What the frick, Tito? You’re doing that Timlin thing. And you have to stop. BECAUSE YOU ARE MESSING WITH MY ZEN.

AND YOU, BUD SELIG!!!!!! INTERLEAGUE PLAY WILL NOT WORK AS LONG AS THERE IS THIS FRICKING DH DIVIDE. You know what Bud Selig? Maybe we SHOULD reorganize. MAYBE WE SHOULD. Of course, you don’t like to ROCK THE BOAT, do you, Bud Selig????? DO YOU??? Ahem. Steroids. Ahem. Steroids. I WILL REORGANIZE YOUR FACE.

AND YOU, JOSH BECKETT!!!! IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. Because after yesterday????? I don’t know. I DO. NOT. KNOW. I want you to find where you and Dice stashed that time machine and I want you to get the frick in it and find yourself when you KNEW HOW TO SHUT OUT GAMES. It does not take a ROCKET SCIENTIST (pun FRICKING intended) to know that you were OFF YOUR FRICKING GAME. That was not the stomach flu. And if it was, CLEARLY you are not better. CLEARLY you should have been a wee bit more honest in our pre-game chats and people are all… OH BECKETT… RUNNING WITH THE BAT… Poor AL pitcher baby. But you and I BOTH KNOW you can be a badass with the bat. We have BOTH seen it. Oh, you’re mad about the game? You’re going to stomp off with mad-face to anger-ville? GOOD. GET MAD. You better get good and fricking mad because the All Star Break is coming and LACKEY is still in the rotation and CLAY keeps getting fricking blisters and there is something wrong with Lester and the kid hasn’t been tested and JENKS IS BACK… so we’re going to be counting on YOU to NOT SUCK. Comprende? Get your wife to translate.

AND YOU, ACEVES. I WILL NEVER FORGET HOW WE LOST TO THE FRICKING PADRES. NEVER. This is your fault for being a demotivator. You’re an anti-cheerleader. Limp like the PASTA DISH IMPLIED BY YOUR NAME, ALFREDO. And don’t think I forgot about you, JOHN LACKEY. Oh no, you Dirk-armed sloth creature. But you know what, John Lackey? This isn’t your fault. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I BLAME TITO. See, Terry Francona? He watches the games I watch. He can smell your failure from the dugout and he KEEPS PUTTING YOU ON THE FRICKING MOUND. What. The. Hell??????? There comes a time when you need to eat your losses. EAT THEM. Stuff your face with them. Write passive aggressively and tearfully in your journal, Tito, have a good cry and MOVE THE FRICK ON.

Okay. Looking at the puppy. Nice puppy. Looking at the puppy.

Let’s look at the puppy again together, shall we?

There. Now. It’s all behind us. We’re abso-frickin-lutely fine.

Letter “P”? That stands for PUPPY. Not Phillies. Or Pirates. Or… or… or… padres…Padres…

We’re fine.

See this control, Josh Beckett?

Now that we’re all calm. Again. Let’s look at tonight’s game.

“We’ll come out tomorrow and try to play better tomorrow,” Pedroia said yesterday.

That’s the spirit. So. We have… John Lackey? Still? Are you fricking kidding me?????

Okay. Let’s take an… unbiased look. Highest ERA among pitchers with 50 innings… in ALL OF BASEBALL????

Okay. Looking at the puppy.

7.36. Okay. 7.36.

$7.36.

Oh my GOD, John Lackey! Your ERA is more expensive than my lunch. Oh God.

Puppy. Cute puppy.

In fact, if his season ended right now, Lackey would have the second highest ERA in franchise history for a pitcher with at least 50 innings pitched.

I can’t do this. I have to work. I have to support myself so I can afford lunch at Lackey’s ERA.

Dear Tito,

WHY?

Inconsolably yours,

Lauren

———————————————————————–

Youkie-poo,

Okay, baby. Clearly Tito is broken. Clearly it is up to us now. You and me. We can only count on each other, baby. But I’ve got to be honest with you, Youk. I’m starting to think you don’t read this. Do you have any idea how many people call my faith in you “blind”? Two. Two whole people.

See, I love you. You know I do. But I’m starting to think you don’t love me. Because if you did love me, Youkie. If you did, really and truly love me, you’d take on some sort of leadership. You’d fix this! Tek? He’s transitioning. Okay? He’s not there every game. But you! You wield that bat almost every time.

It’s up to us, Youk. You and me. But I can’t do it alone. Cheerleaders, you see, can do nothing unless the players take the initiative. With a questionable rotation and bullpen, the nation needs you to rally on offense. Get Skippy to help. Go. Go. I know you hate good byes. So I’ll leave you with a beach photo from Ocean Isle, NC, currently serving as my computer background.

All my love,

Lauren

  1. FireDannyAinge
    June 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    WTF is wrong with this damn pitchi…. (Oh look, A cute puppy, awww WAIT A MINUTE, I don’t like puppies) WTF is wrong with this pitching staff?

    I get that we can’t win every game but seriously like you said, The Pirates? The PIRATES? Please.

    I’ll just keep saying to myself Cliff Lee was unbeatable last year until the world series where he sucked and they lost (Thanks Giants. I appreciate that a lot more now then I did then)

    Not having Papi has been huge. We lose our DH but when they come here they gain a DH. Sounds UNFAIR to me.

    By the way I am not updating my blog unless I get really pissed cuz I want everyone to vote for TIM THOMAS and the Boston Bruins for the ESPY awards. If you haven’t GO VOTE
    I am leaving taht up and bitching here instead.

  2. June 29, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    I haven’t seen that many “CAPS” since an old boss I used to have…who didn’t understand that typing in CAPS means you are YELLING. Now focus on the puppy. We’ll go through this again…Papi on bench. Crawford hurt. Drew is…whatever, Rotation being held together with duct tape. Buchholz hurt. Wakefield pitched over weekend…last time at Citizens Bank Park he threw 8 shutout innings. Cliff Lee. CLIFF LEE. Nice puppy.

  3. June 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    You can bitch here all you want. Guest blogging opportunities are also available. Just ask Jeb.

    I’m rolling my eyes at the ESPY awards. But, before you capital-letter-yell at me, I voted for Tim Thomas.

    But I roll my eyes at them because Appalachian State University beating Michigan apparently wasn’t good enough for America. So. Whatever. And I am NOT voting for Tom Brady for anything except most-likely-candidate-for-hair-plugs-in-2012.

    But yay, Tim Thomas.

    But if he wins, I will continue to roll my eyes at the ESPY awards. I think our adoration is much more meaningful to Tim Thomas than a silly ESPY.

    • FireDannyAinge
      June 29, 2011 at 7:15 pm

      You voted for the Bruins to right?

      Cute puppy, cute puppy.

  4. June 29, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    And EVERYONE should like my puppy, FDA. Her name is Elliott May Precious Ortiz and she is 6-years-old and spectacular.

  5. June 29, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Just want you to know that I love…LOVE…your blog. I originally thought about doing a Sox blog (“Insoxicated” would have been the title). But I most certainly couldn’t have come close to this. And you’re a journalist too?? So cool.

    Youkie is lucky to have a such a devoted wife-to-be like you. I, too, am a Red Sox wife-to-be. I plan on wedding Papelbon. The second I saw him when they clinched the AL East in 07 in those tight black spandex and a bud light box on his head (I love bud light), I knew. We were meant to make lots and lots of babies.

    Keep up the awesome posts!!

  6. June 30, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I actually voted for ESPY’s for the first time in my life. I voted for all you Boston people. You’re welcome. I did not see any nominations for Elliott May Precious Ortiz but if I had I would have checked off votes for her also.

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