Why?! What is it that you have against .500, exactly?
Note: If it is too painful to recap this game, feel free to click here.
.500. What. The. Frick. It’s just a number. It is not like I am asking you to murder a puppy.
Come on people.
Now, I realize there could be a goooooood explanation for the stomach twisting 4-4 I see before me at 9:07. I have, after all, missed the majority of what I see is a spiffy performance (Jon, I will get to you in a minute).
But remember that discussion we had yesterday? Remember?
How some of us have things to do other than pitch? Remember how I said, pleaded, begged, wept for you people to just keep it at 9 innings? Fix it, boys. Fix it now.
9:14. 5-4. Okay, guys. So. Not. What. I. Meant. Why do you guys have to take me so literally?
Okay, Jon Lester. Don’t get so excited. We can… we can talk about this… no… you don’t have to throw it all away. You have innings to live for, Jonny. Innings. Happy times ahead, do you hear me?! Do not go gently into that dark night… turn the boat around, buddy. Miles to go before we sleep. Miles to go! Do it for the children, Jonny! 9:18.
9:20. Okay, Jon. What do you want? Unmarked bills? A helicopter? Well… I… um… can’t get you that-but-no-wait… wait-wait-wait… I’m sure we can work something out! How do you feel about chocolate milk?!
Hi, Rich Hill. We don’t really know each other. I mean, we’ve seen each other in passing. I’ve… I’ve always liked you. Really, really I have. It’s your name, really. Simple. Direct. So, now that we’ve established that we like each other… about that .500. Did I mention I have salt and vinegar potato chips? 9:24.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Okay. We’re okay. We. Are. Okay. 7th inning. Okay. Hit, people. Hit for AMERICA. Stop stalling! That’s what Canada WANTS you to do! 9:27.
While we’re having this special moment, Pedroia (and it is special, Skip, it is), let’s try to get to the heart of this .500 issue, shall we? Is there some childhood trauma you associate with .500? Like… um… some video game reference I don’t get because I was too busy playing with barbie dolls or something? Dusty, baby, if you can’t talk about this with me, you should talk about it with someone. A trusted adult, perhaps? 9:29
Gonzzzz! You get a treat. It’s a psychic cookie.
Sorry, Youk. You got cookies last night.
Speaking of my one and only… Hi, Youkie-Bear. Buttercup. Show ‘em how it’s done. Let’s stop this silly fake hitting and get down to the nitty gritty, the kind of hits that kill birds and dent space shuttles, k?
This is stressful. This seems more stressful than normal. Is it the .500? That pleasant spark of mediocrity that’s just in reach?
Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby, just to let me down…
Many phobias stem from the parents. Did your daddy issues contribute to your utter avoidance of a .500?
9:47 p.m. A strike out. Okay. That’s something.
Now is not the time to hit people with pitches, Aceves, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Save it for Friday. I… um… didn’t mean that.
8th inning. You know, that’s the best time to rally, really. I’d muuuucccchhhhh rather rally in the 8th than the 9th.
Okay. I like Jed Lowrie when he’s not injured. Which apparently happens now. A double, people.
SALTY got a single?!
Wait… is this the part where my heart goes a flutter and you rip it out?
Yes, baby. 13-7 hits. Yesyesyesyesyes.
10:13. I am tired. You are doing this on purpose. Let’s just all admit it. Youkie, can you tell your boys to stop building me up for heartbreak? You’re supposed to be only one with that power, sweetikums.
Hi, Daniel Bard. Keep that last convo we had… keep that in mind, k? Okay. I am going to go walk the puppy. I will be back in five minutes. FIVE MINUTES. FDA, I’m leaving you in charge. Don’t screw it up.
6-5?! 6-5?! Someone needs to tell me what happened. Is this my fault for leaving? Is this my puppy’s fault for having to go outside? Is this my carpet’s fault for not being grass?!
9th inning. Okay! No worries. All hakuna matata here, kiddies.
Okay. All kidding aside, this is a kickass game. Thanks, Gonz, for improving my attitude with your sexy homerun. 6-6. Annnndddd, darling Youkie-Bear, I’m going to let that massive strike out pass. You better buy Gonz chewing gum or something. He just saved you from a mini-me-rant.
Thunder. Did anyone else hear that?! Of course not. Because you guys are in Boston. I wish I was in Boston. Anybody have any jobs in Boston? I write stuff.
That was fun. I’m glad I saw that. Jose Iglesias, you’re alright. More wild pitches, please!
Anddddddd… Carl Crawford. Blast. Out. Yep. All’s back to normal.
Okay. Let’s take to inning 10, people.
Okay, people. We need a tight ship. We need… Albers?! Well, um, okay, Curt… if you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
That thunder is super loud. You might can hear that in Boston.
Thunder means my 35-lb sheltie-shepherd mix is a lapdog. It’s kind of hard to see over her. One. More. Out. 10:42.
And the tenth starts with the Captain. Remember when that wouldn’t make you nervous? Fisk be with us all.
Dustin Pedroia. It is up to you. If you do not knock one out of the park, I will have to stay up to see inning 11. Trust me. You don’t want that. You wouldn’t like me when I’m cranky.
Crap, that lightning was close! I know it’s all cool to say things like, “I love thunderstorms, I’m exciting like that, blahblahblahblah….”
But I don’t love thunderstorms and I am NOT exciting like that.
So, Pedroia, if you could knock that ball hard enough to divert a thunder cloud in North Carolina… my puppy is shaking so hard she looks like she’s having a seizure.
Okay guys, let’s make it to 11 innings. Who else is glad Bobby Jenks isn’t in the bullpen tonight?
I am so stressed out. Why are you on third?! Why?
No. No! Nooooooooo!
.500, I never knew ye…
Dugout, you need counseling! Your daddy issues are getting in the way of .500 mediocrity!