Bobby Jenks. You made my soul cry. Your hater, Lauren
Dear Bobby Jenks,
I do not know what happened.
I have been interviewing the Doobie Brothers all day. See, while you were hurling a ball around for funsies, I was actually doing MY job.
So… I have not had a chance to completely analyze your FAILURE. I haven’t had a chance to figure out whose effigy I need to construct before my million hour writing crusade tomorrow. But, Bobby Jenks, Youkie Bear says I should talk to you.
So I’m talking to you, Bobby Jenks. I’m talking to you and I am trying to use small words so you can understand me through that mass of irrelevant crap on your chin.
WHAT DID YOU DO, YOU CATERPILLAR FACED TWIT CLOWN??
I don’t know whether to yell at you or do the defeated headshake.
I don’t know whether to shoot you a subliminal toe stubbing curse or throw a “trade him” temper tantrum.
And I’m too tired to think of how many ridiculous things rhyme with your name, JENKS. But I’m sure when I sing in the shower in the AM, I will be inspired to construct lots of nasty lyrics about how UTTERLY USELESS YOU ARE.
There’s this chess game where you play opposite chess. It’s called suicide chess, I think, where you TRY to get checkmated. The first person to force the opponent to checkmate them wins…
WERE YOU PLAYING SUICIDE BASEBALL?
You know what? I can’t do this. My feet hurt. And my tolerance has been crushed by children with sticky fingers and funnel cakes.
So I am giving you a pass.
I’m giving you the whole night to think about what you’ve done.
Sob into your pillow, Jenks. Let it out now. Because Monday, when MerleFest is over, I am going to yell at your face so loudly that if your face was a house with pigs it would be like that fairy tale where all the pigs have to run into the brick house because their straw house dies.
Bobby Jenks, I HATE you.
PS- Random. A reporter today (not me) asked Patrick Simmons of the Doobie Bros if Jesus was still alright with him.
Patrick Simmons replied, straight-faced, “Jesus is just alright.”
You know what’s not alright, JENKS? LOSING TO THE MARINERS. I bet Mike Cameron glares at you in the locker room. You RUINED his homeruns, Jenks. Damn you.
At least it’s not the Orioles again.